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are you healed, or just distracted
Neither, I’m miserable
“i wish i was like you” he says. heaves a sigh that blows up into the air and tries to claw my face open. i hide my eyes by staring at my coffee cup. “uh,” i said. “what does that mean.” under the little cafe table, i jiggle my legs enough to start an earthquake. why did i even agree to meet up. “what does that mean?”
he said it was a professional thing. i don’t know why i bought that. my mom says i always trust tigers too much, am gonna end up with a mauling.
“you know,” he sighs, “you’re in love. and you’re happy. and it’s not even like i need that kind of thing, but i want it. i want someone who tries their best to keep me happy and who is always there for me and will be in my bed at night and wake me up with coffee in the morning. i want that.”
“uh,” i say. i think i’m taken aback, but i am not enough of a white middle-aged woman to feel valid in the emotion. i settle for shuffling the papers we still haven’t gone through. “okay.”
he leans over. “i know you’re like, gay, or whatever - but how did you find her? where do i find somebody like her?” deep breath. “someone for me, like that. someone romantic, that remembers all my plans and ideas and desires. who gets me the right gift even when i wasn’t expecting it. you know. true love.”
there’s wrong, and then there’s this. and he’s not the first person i’ve heard say basically the same thing. i tear up a piece of croissant. “you want love,” i say.
“yeah,” he says.
“then how come,” i put the croissant down. i pick up the papers. “everything you just wished for is what someone can give you, not what you can give someone?”
“Sometimes you are going to miss a person who was an almost to you. And feel sad because there is no name for that feeling. You just feel it in a way that makes you tired to your very bones.”
— Nikita Gill, Almost Feelings

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wish i was snuggling not struggling
““But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.””
— Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters (via goodreadss)
Love isn’t safe. And whoever you love will hurt you. It’s part of the human experience. No-one is perfect … people make mistakes. The secret is to focus on what they do right and decide what quirks you can live with.
Kristin Billerbeck (via purplebuddhaquotes)

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i hope you all fall in love with someone who never stops choosing you and i hope you feel at home when you look at them
“It happened on Father’s Day. I took him out to lunch, and then afterward we went to a barbecue at his family’s house. He’d been drinking all day. At one point he’s got our daughter in his arms, and he tells her to call me a ‘biatch.’ So I start yelling at him. And he hits me so hard with his fist that I had to get ten stitches. That was the last straw for me. I still think he’s a great dad. I’ll give him that. A lot of people ask me how I can say that, but I see it like this: when he’s around my daughter, I see the love. She lights up when he walks in the room. I wanted that love for myself, but at least she gets it. And he’s a good provider. He works. He just bought her a bunch of new clothes this weekend. When he dropped them off at the house, he asked me if I was going to drop the charges. I told him ‘no.’ Not this time.”
“You’ll understand why storms are named after people.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald (via quotemadness)

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“We disappear as stars do, soundless, without a trace.”
— Charles Wright, from Drone And Ostinato in “Appalachia”