♡

but somehow i didn't realize;

you're ruining me more than the smoke in my lungs.

yet i would still inhale every cigarette with your name on it,

since your presence in the smoke

so warmly engulfs my insides

(as much as it burns going down).

it so closely reminds me of what you did to my heart

and it's now the only way i can interact with you.

your aura killing my body slowly

you were the one who got away

i tried so hard to keep you

and i still miss you to this day

only for it all to fall through

this cycle that we always had

of leaving and also barely staying

stopped being fun and started to make me feel like i was decaying

we made such a perfect pair

with little to no effort

i miss u but not enough for u to care

cause i was never the one you'd stay for

yet every time i hear your favourite song

a reminder you set my insides ablaze

i still hope you'd come along

and that's why i still chase

but of course u don't so i play along

and damn i'm tired of your delays

i play along with the careless games

finally leaving you alone

but my heart's still in flames

the exact ones you've made known

i've accepted this might not go anywhere, as much as i'd want it to,

and stepping back, trying to allow you to show me if you will step up and reach out.

we just talked

we didn't know eachother at all

except we have the same favourite animal

we'd both sometimes randomly bring up penguins

he keeps forgetting we both love them but it's nice thinking of him whenever i see one

we also love the same flowers!

we found that out when we were having our first out of maybe three serious conversations

and it was brought up again when he told me he'd take me out and buy me flowers

that never happened of course,

but it was a cute thought

his favourite food was pizza

he said he loved any kind except cheese

in his mind it's too basic and doesn't see why not put something else on it

i let him know thats one of the few pizzas i eat

and he suddenly said it was still nice

did he really mean that?

i told him about my memory box and all the weird things in it

a lot of people know about it, it doesn't matter

but he encouraged me to show him and i was shocked to see him interested

of course i loved talking to him, letting him closer

it was a way to prolong our conversation, so i did

it was never anything serious

we just texted

...for hours and hours on end

sometimes he'd stay up all night talking to me even if he had work in the morning

we didn't even notice the sun had come up

i swear the conversation started an hour ago?

i felt so warm after so long

(even if i'd experience cold for the next 2 months, it was worth it)

we just texted

and i dont think ive ever laughed so much at my phone

you've said numerous times that you cant believe my sense of humor

and of course i went along with the joke

we'd both always be dying laughing

we just texted

but we talked about why we couldn't work

he told me hes the last guy i wanna be involved with

of course i didnt buy it, i said that i'd be the judge of that

(i was)

he always apologised saying he didnt want to hurt me

and i always said that he wasn't and even if he did it would be my fault

(sometimes only half truths are good enough)

but we also had the same music taste as kids

we both love tattoos

we know so many of the same people

we both love so hard

and thats the exact reason that we couldn't work

i had no barriers and fell for him too hard too fast

while he was held back by his past, his mind and his pain

we also disagreed a lot

i believed things happen for a reason

that things like fate exist

(and that you were part of mine)

you believed it was all coincidence

but that night you said that recently you've been seeing "reasons" more and more

did he really mean that?

he saw me as... i don't even know

a distraction? a rebound? an option?

all i know is that he broke away the walls around my heart and made me feel again

it was never anything serious

i still remember everything about him

ive never felt so connected to someone in such a short time

and we didn't know eachother at all

i honestly don't know if i regret it or not since you're still always on my mind