sas

⇝ pairing: downbad!sim jaeyun x downbad fem!reader

⇝ genre: college au, dorm neighbours, sloooooooooow burn, mutual pining, angst, tooth rotting fluff, eventual smut

⇝ synopsis: two hopeless romantics and incredibly awkward people meet, neither knowing how the other feels.

OR

in which jake is obsessed with you, but it’s okay, because you’re obsessed with him too!!

⇝ warnings: cursing, suggestive language, mentions of alcohol/drinking, mentions of insecurity/negative body image, mentions of anxiety, masturbation (m), possible SA (forced kissing), making out, dry humping minors DNI

part 1 - 5.4k words

part 2 - 6.2k words

part 3 - 8.4k words

more to come…

comment to be added to taglist!!

⇝ pairing: downbad!sim jaeyun x downbad fem!reader

⇝ genre: college au, theyre nearly roommates, sloooooooooow burn (read pts. 1 and 2 first!) ANGST i’m very sorry, fluffy ending (i gotchu guys dw)

⇝ synopsis: two hopeless romantics and incredibly awkward people meet, neither knowing how the other feels

⇝ warnings: mentions of alcohol/drinking, possible SA (forced kiss), panic attack, suggestive language, making out, dry humping minors DNI

wc: 8.4k

a/n: will they be idiots forever…or not? enjoy!!!! (also WHAT 300+ likes on part 1 is so crazy thank you all so much i love my readers mwahhhhh)

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3

jake ignores you for the rest of the day. well, not really—he still talks to you occasionally, still smiles and jokes as normal, but you can feel a strange sort of distance. it’s like he’s restraining himself, holding back something, and you have no idea what.

and to be honest, it’s making you a little hurt. you had always been a bit oversensitive, ever since childhood. you didn’t really know what to call it—just that when you sensed a slight shift in someone’s tone or manner, you’d get scared that you’d done something wrong. and that’s followed you all the way to adulthood.

you confess this to chaewon while you’re getting ready to go to the club. it’s one that heeseung’s cousin recommended, but none of you have ever been, so you’re a little apprehensive. you get the impression that it’s one of those clubs where you really have to look the part, or you’ll be left alone at the edge of the dance floor, standing there awkwardly, not knowing what to do with your hands.

and that sounds a little bit like your worst nightmare.

you’re applying your mascara when chaewon says, without any warning, “jake likes you.”

you flinch, mascara wand nearly poking your eye out. “what?” you exclaim, turning to face her. “no, he doesn’t. i think i’d know by now,” you say dryly.

chaewon grabs both your hands firmly. “yes, he does. heeseung told me. he said that jake was a pussy and that he’d been trying to get him to do something about it for months now, but he was too scared or something.”

your brain feels scrambled. how could this be true? how could you not have known? is heeseung even telling the truth?

“so, what am i supposed to do about it?” you ask, sighing. “you think i’d make the first move? me?” you point incredulously towards yourself. “i don’t think so,” you say, shaking your head.

chaewon looks at you like you’re a little bit stupid, but also like she’s about to say something she knows you’ll disagree with.

“okay,” she says, abruptly slamming her hand on the bathroom cabinet. “we’re going out tonight, right? you want jake to stop being a coward, right?”

you nod tentatively. “yeah, but what does that…”

“we’re going to use the oldest trick in the book and make him jealous,” chaewon says.

you look at her like she’s crazy. “don’t worry, i’ll help you,” she says quickly. “i already know a guy who’s a friend of heeseung’s. he’ll think you’re cute. i’ll introduce you.”

“chae, i don’t know if it’s worth it,” you murmur. “do you think it’ll even do anything? i mean, it might just make jake think i’m unavailable or something.”

chaewon chews the inside of her cheek. “i did think about that, but heeseung doesn’t think he’ll give up that easily. it’s worth a shot, right?” she shrugs.

you hum in agreement and finish applying your mascara, heart already beginning to pound in anticipation.

the guys are already downstairs when you and chaewon come down after getting ready. you’d all been clubbing together before, so it wasn’t really anything new for jake to see you dressed up, but you’ve put in a little more effort tonight.

he thinks he might lose his mind just from looking at you. tonight, he thinks. tonight he’ll finally do something.

the club is full when you enter, bodies packed together under too-hot lights. the air smells of spilled alcohol, sweat and sex.

you kind of want to go home a little bit. but you pull yourself together as chaewon and heeseung lead the way over to another group of guys. “hey,” heeseung says easily, dabbing one of them up. “this is y/n, my girlfriend’s best friend. i was telling you about her, remember?”

the guy looks at you appraisingly. “hey, i’m nicholas, nico to my friends. nice to meet you,” he nods in your direction.

you nod back in greeting, not quite meeting his eye. there’s something that doesn’t seem right about him, but you can’t put your finger on it yet. and anyway, you have to concentrate. you’ll think about this later.

it’s not long before everyone has disappeared onto the dance floor, except for you and jake. you don’t know how it always ends up happening like this—you instinctually finding each other, even if your other close friends are there.

you’ve been nursing a drink for the past 20 minutes, not saying much, just glancing at the dance floor a few times. jake can’t understand why, and he’s just about to work up the courage to ask you to dance, when nico pushes his way through the crowds of people.

“hey, y/n,” he says, slightly out of breath. “wanna dance?”

you look at jake. and back at nico. and back at jake. and then you agree. “sure, i’d love to!” you say, more enthusiastically than you feel.

you really hope chaewon’s plan works, you think as you follow nico back into the crowd.

jake doesn’t mean to follow you. he really doesn’t, and he’s pretty sure it doesn’t count as following. but his eyes find you out of habit. you’re with nico on the edge of the dance floor, and that alone is enough to make jake’s jaw clench slightly. he knows he shouldn’t be feeling like this—you’re not his, he’s not yours. you’re not anything to each other except for friends who occasionally wake up in each others’ arms and call it platonic.

he can’t help it, though. nico’s hands are hovering on your waist, barely grazing it through the fabric of your top. he’s leaning a little too close for comfort—definitely too close for someone he met ten minutes ago, jake thinks.

but again, it’s really not his place. he watches you for a few more minutes before turning to find sunghoon in the crowd. he should let you be, he tells himself firmly. no matter if it hurts.

the dance floor is getting altogether too hot for you. you can feel your makeup melting off, despite you having sprayed about ten layers of setting spray on beforehand. you’re out of breath, and you can feel the beginnings of a stitch on your right side.

nico has been nothing but respectful—not getting too close, barely touching you, just leaning in enough that you can feel his breath fan across your neck, giving you goosebumps. you’ve danced with people at clubs before, sure, but you never let it get past that, because you wanted all your firsts to be with someone you trusted. not some random person you didn’t really know.

somehow, tonight feels different. like before, you can’t put your finger on it. it could be because you feel a little bad about doing this just to make jake jealous, it could be because it’s just altogether too hot in here.

you go with the latter, and say to nico, “i gotta get some air. i’ll be right back.” you turn to leave, but he stops you.

“i’ll come with you,” he says. “if that’s alright? i could use some air too.”

nico follows you out into a courtyard. it’s deserted, nothing except for a few cigarette butts and old bottle caps littering the ground. you spot a bench and take a seat, sucking in lungfuls of the cool night air.

you can feel nico’s presence beside you, but your mind turns back to jake. what could be doing right now? did he find a girl to dance with? did he even see you with nico?

before you can examine any further possibilities, nico breaks you out of your thoughts. “you’re really pretty,” he says softly, inching slightly closer to you.

“oh, thanks,” you laugh awkwardly. what are you supposed to say when a guy compliments you? you rack your brains, but come up short. belatedly, you’re pretty sure you have to have some kind of comeback ready.

but you can’t finish that thought, because as soon as you turn to face nico, he kisses you.

pure shock is the first thing that you register. then the sensation. unfamiliarity comes with the shock. then lips on your lips, his tongue trying to force its way into your mouth. the taste of alcohol on his lips, stale, and the smell of cigarettes on his clothes. his lips, pressing against yours, forcefully it seems. too forcefully.

then you register the wrongness of it all. then a blind panic comes over you like a tidal wave. you shove him away more roughly than you mean to, so much that he looks up at you, almost as shocked as you are.

“i’m sorry, i can’t.” you shake your head once, twice. nico’s features are contorted with something like surprise, but with something meaner underneath.

“you can’t?” he laughs. it’s a cruel sound, jarring. “should’ve known you were a virgin,” he says, a mocking edge creeping into his tone. “knew it from the way you couldn’t even meet my eyes.”

panic washes over you again. “i’m sorry, i just—” you scramble away from him as fast as you can, standing up.

“you just couldn’t handle it, could you?” nico laughs again, the sound cutting through the night air. he looks bored all of a sudden, like you weren’t even worth his time to begin with.

before he can get another word out, you turn on your heel, walking as fast as you can away from the courtyard. tears begin to blur your eyes, but you refuse to let them fall.

you wind your way through the crowds of people inside the club and wrench open the door, pushing past the bouncers and outside into the fresh air. you sit down on the curb, shakily wiping a hand across your lips. you can still taste him, the meanness, the force he used to kiss you like that. the tears begin to fall, dripping onto your knees.

and then you realise, with a hot rush of awareness, that your first kiss was just taken from you.

people often made fun of you in uni for wanting to wait for someone you genuinely liked, but you couldn’t understand why. it’s not like you ever insinuated waiting for marriage—god no—but you didn’t just want to kiss any random person. you saw kissing as an intimate act, something that should be shared with someone you really liked, and trusted.

hell, you weren’t even saying it had to be someone you loved. just not a dickhead in a club. was that so much to ask for?

the tears start rolling faster now, your sobs coming out in choked hiccups. you don’t want to believe that the moment you waited so long for, dreamed about after watching old 90s romcoms, was ripped away from you. the hopeless romantic in you feels cheated, like something was stolen.

you wouldn’t have even cared if he had just asked permission. but he didn’t. and now you feel more then angry—you feel violated.

you scrub your hand over your lips again, willing the taste of him away. your breaths are getting shakier, your chest rising and falling in erratic bursts. you blink fast, trying to stop the tears, stop the panic, just stop feeling so stupid.

but you can’t. there’s a tightness in your chest now—you’re not sure if it was caused by the dancing, or the alcohol. but you feel like you can’t breathe.

you fleetingly wonder if that counts as assault, but that only makes you cry harder.

you curl into yourself, pressing your palms against your eyes so hard you see those little explosions of colour. you pull out your phone, to text someone, call someone, but then you realise everyone’s inside. no-one will hear their phone ring.

they’re too busy interacting with each other like normal people. not overthinking the smallest things, not making fools of themselves like you just did.

you’re about to get up and go back inside to find chaewon when the sound of the door opening startles you. you turn around instinctively, just to see if nico had by chance followed you out.

but it’s not him. it’s jake.

20 MINUTES AGO

jake’s lost sight of you for a while, now. he’s slipped off the dance floor as discreetly as he can, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. not to go and exercise some weird kind of alpha “she’s mine” ritual—just to make sure you’re okay.

after a few minutes, he spots you walking away from the crowd, nico following closely behind. something doesn’t feel quite right to him, but he pushes the feeling away. there’s nothing in your demeanour that screams “i’m uncomfortable” yet, so he waits. but he’s alert.

sunghoon sidles up to him as you disappear around a corner. “yo, you good?” he asks, looking genuinely concerned.

jake numbly gestures to the door you walked out of. “this means i have no chance, doesn’t it,” he says, feeling somewhat defeated.

sunghoon’s never been good at keeping secrets. especially not around jake. so don’t blame him when he remembers the conversation he overheard a few hours ago while you and chaewon were getting ready.

he sighs, realising what he’s about to say might make things a bit complicated. but, to him it’s better than having to watch jake pine over you for another five months.

“i wouldn’t say that,” he begins, watching jake’s expression closely. “i heard chaewon tell her you like her earlier. and then somehow coerce her into making you jealous so you would do something.” he watches jake’s expression morph into one of surprise, then of confusion, then…elation?

jake can’t believe what he’s just heard. “you…what?” he shakes his head vigorously as if to remind himself this isn’t a dream. “so i do have a chance, is what you’re saying. she likes me too?”

sunghoon looks at jake like he’s a complete idiot. “yes, jake, she likes you too. from what i heard,” he shrugs noncommittally, “she’s been pining for you almost as long as you have.”

jake thinks his brain just exploded. he’s about to high five sunghoon for telling him, or do something equally embarrassing and stupid, when he sees you push your way through the crowd, head down, walking fast. too fast to be comfortable.

he looks back at sunghoon. “she doesn’t look okay, right?” he asks, just to confirm.

sunghoon shakes his head, pushing jake gently towards the door. “go do something about it, then,” he says firmly. “go get your girl.”

NOW

the first thing jake sees when he reaches you is the way you’re curled in on yourself. you look small, your head buried in your knees.

you turn around, startled, to look at him. and the second thing jake notices is your tear-streaked face. your mascara is running and your eyes are bloodshot, and you look strangely out of it, like your mind’s not really here.

jake drops down beside you. “what happened?” he asks gently. he has an inkling of what the reason for your crying is, but he’d rather hear it from you before he makes a stupid decision. like beating nicholas up.

you try to speak, but your chest seizes up, and you can’t get in enough air to squeeze the words out. you open your mouth again, gulping down lungfuls of air. “he—he—” you gasp out.

jake scooches closer to you, putting an arm around your shoulders. he can feel how tense you are, feel your whole body shaking. he pulls you closer so your knees are touching, and so you can feel the warmth of his body against yours. “breathe, okay?” he says softly. “i’ve got you.”

you look at him now—really look at him. you feel your body relax, just a little bit, the tension easing out of you as you register his body against yours, the gentle pressure of his arm around your shoulder.

and then it all comes tumbling out. jake listens calmly, it seems, but you can see the muscle in his jaw clench slightly, and his arm tightens around your shoulder. you’re not sure if you just exposed yourself or not—you didn’t exactly say anything about the fact that you only talked to nico because you thought it’d make jake jealous enough to finally confess, but you kind of wish you had, just to clear things up.

jake doesn’t give the fact that he already knows away, though. he’s not sure what to make of this, or who he should blame. the romantic in him recognises that this is just something that happens, that girls can play games as much as guys can, and that while something undeniably awful just happened to you, you wouldn’t have been in this mess if you had just talked to him like a normal human being.

the notion solidifies in his head that he’s not the coward here. he’s not the one who couldn’t voice his feelings, he’s not the one who constantly complained about his position in your life to his friends. it’s you. and it feels a little mean of him to entertain the thought, but he can’t reconcile the you he knows with the one who played stupid, childish games and got yourself hurt in the process.

jake releases you abruptly, and you feel the cold rush back to your side, the loss of him sudden in the cool night air.

“did i…did i do something wrong?” you ask tentatively. you can feel the shift already—this is just how your mind works. having you always on tenterhooks as you worry about what other people think of you. jake’s brow is set in a way you’ve never seen before, and his eyes are harder, more focused.

he sighs, like he’s resigned to saying something he knows will be difficult to hear but he’s going to say it anyway. “lots of people have stupid first kisses,” he says. “it’s not a big deal. i mean, what did you expect would happen with nico?”

he gathers himself before his voice can crack—alarmingly, he’s more hurt than anything else that you couldn’t just come to him and tell him how you felt. “did you think i’d see you with him and just come running?” he scoffs slightly this time, putting more effort into it than it needs, the sound jarring in the quiet.

you sit up straight and move away from jake. no, you think. there’s no way he knows the real situation. for a moment, you think it might be better to just tell him he’s wrong, that you genuinely liked nico, that it didn’t have anything to do with him.

“i’m not a child, you know. we’re not high schoolers who can’t talk to each other. if you really liked me that much, couldn’t you have just said something?” jake says, more harshly than he means. he realises he might be pushing it a bit too far, just a second too late.

your face closes in on itself again, this time more with anger than anything else. “if i’m not wrong,” you snap, “you’ve liked me almost since we met. i’ve told you everything about me.” your hands twist together in your lap, words spilling out in a torrent. “i told you i was inexperienced, that i didn’t really know how romance worked outside of media, and somehow you still expected me to say something first? do you even realise how scary that is for me?”

jake looks slightly abashed, but you continue anyway. “okay, so what i did tonight was stupid. but did you even stop to think for one second,” you say, holding up a finger, “that it wasn’t even my idea? that i was unsure to begin with? look, i can admit that i made some mistakes. but don’t pin the blame all on me for not being open with you when you couldn’t possibly—” you break off as tears start rolling. hot, frustrated tears mingling with the shame of the whole situation, the embarrassment, and the hurt.

“couldn’t possibly what?” jake asks, more softly now. he takes in your expression, the set line of your lips pressed together, willing yourself to stop crying.

at that question, though, you couldn’t possibly control yourself if you tried. “couldn’t possibly like me, jake!” you blurt out, too loudly. “you’re so…” you gesture at his face, “and i’m just not in your league, and half the time you treated me like a sister anyway. so what was i supposed to think? that if some inexperienced, random girl who just happened to be your friend out of convenience because we’re neighbours confessed to you, you’d reciprocate?”

“that wasn’t—” jake scrubs a hand over his face. “that wasn’t me treating you like a sister, that was me giving you signs.” he sounds borderline exasperated, but he can’t help it.

“and how, just how,” you say, just as exasperated as he is, “was i supposed to know that? look, jake, i’m sorry you weren’t happy with how i handled whatever—” you gesture between the two of you— “whatever this was. but i think it’s better if we just…give each other some space.” your lower lip trembles, but you refuse to lose your last shred of dignity. “i’m walking home. don’t look for me.”

you get up, a little unsteady on your feet. you don’t even look back to see jake struggling to stop his own tears from falling. no, you speedwalk away from the club as fast as you can, wanting to put as much distance between the two of you as possible.

how could you have been so stupid?

luckily, the villa is only a short walk away, lights still twinkling cheerfully from when someone forgot to turn them off. you open the door silently, though you know no-one’s home. it’s just you, and your thoughts.

once you reach your room, you peel off your clothes slowly and step into the shower, rubbing cleansing balm slowly into your face, which feels absolutely raw from crying. the tears don’t stop, though—they only intensify. you can’t believe what just happened. it feels almost worse than if you had just confessed and been rejected.

because now you have this awareness that jake likes you, and that you like him too, but because of tonight, neither of you can do anything about it.

you shouldn’t have listened to chaewon. it’s not her fault, thought you do think fleetingly that she should know you better than to put you in a situation like that. it’s completely and utterly yours.

you should’ve known yourself better than that. that’s the realisation that hurts the most.

and you’re angry, you realise as you step out of the shower. really, really angry. you honestly can’t believe jake acted like that—maybe his ego was bruised, you guess.

or maybe he’s just like all those other guys who, at the end of the day, can’t take a virgin seriously.

as you pull on your pyjamas, you remember that jake will inevitably come home, and you’re sharing a room with him. but with another flare of bitterness, you lock the bedroom door with a soft, final click. pain smarts again as you feel the hopelessness of the situation wash over you.

but what could you really do? it’s the kind of thing where no-one is really in the wrong, you think, climbing into bed. it’s just two people who hurt each other without really knowing why or how—which also means there’s no clear way to fix it.

the thing that stings immeasurably is the loss of friendship. this becomes clear when you smell jake’s scent still on the pillow next to yours, which reminds you of the way you woke up this morning, wrapped in his arms, feeling so safe and held that you realise belatedly why it scared you so much at the time. because of things exactly like this.

you pop a couple of melatonin gummies and tuck yourself further under the blankets, willing sleep to come. the room is pitch black, just how you like it. despite your mind still reeling, you’re utterly exhausted from everything just happened—and you’re alone. just like you’ve been used to.

but you can’t sleep at all.

by the time morning comes around, you feel completely wrecked. you heard the handle jiggle at about 1 am, try a few times, and then give up. you knew it was jake. so you pressed your head further into the pillow and willed him away as hard as you could.

you drag yourself up out of the blankets and trudge to the bathroom, looking outside the window. it’s raining, of course. of course it would rain on a day like today when you already feel the tears threatening to fall.

you wash up slowly and apply copious amounts of concealer to cover up the dark circles under your eyes. but you look terrible, and no amount of makeup will help hide the raw hurt in your smile, you think as you practise it in the mirror. although there’s no point, because everyone will know what happened by now anyway.

opening the door feels like stepping out onto a battlefield. the house is quiet, too quiet, you think as you descend the stairs in search of breakfast. the only noise is your stomach grumbling loudly, too loud in the silence of the morning.

you’re about to contemplate what you’ll do if you see jake, when you do actually see him.

he’s leaning against the breakfast island in the kitchen, looking breathtaking as usual. but you can’t miss the exhaustion on his face, the unguarded hurt you catch a glimpse of before he sees you.

then it gets really awkward, really fast. gone are the easy mornings when you’d greet each other early and eat breakfast together in the communal kitchen. gone is the smile he’d give you when you entered the room—the real one, the one that would light up his whole face.

now he just looks startled. a flicker of hurt crosses his face once more, but then it disappears, replaced by a stony expression that’s borderline unreadable. you school your features as well and make yourself some cereal, with quick, practised movements.

you don’t look at him once.

chaewon moves into your room after that. she comforted you on the morning after it all happened, apologising profusely. “i’m so sorry, i really had no idea nico would do that, heeseung said he was a good guy,” she says, giving you a tight hug. “jake should never have expected you to make the first move. i’ll give him a talking to for you—although it sounds like you already did that.” she arches an eyebrow. “you know what, i’ll get heeseung to knock some sense into him. he won’t be able to ignore it then,” she says firmly.

“no, it’s really okay, chae. maybe we weren’t supposed to work out anyway,” you mumble into her shoulder, tears wetting her sweater. “maybe we should’ve never even become friends in the first place.”

chaewon shakes her head. “just give it time. i’ve seen how you two are together—even without romance, you always seemed happy with him. it’ll all work out, trust me,” she says, squeezing you tighter. “you’re not broken,” she whispers. “you both just need space.”

you don’t believe her. and it seems you’re right, at least for the rest of that vacation. you honestly feel pretty terrible about causing drama for the whole group, so you stay back when they go out, so jake can enjoy himself without worrying about you there. you barely even eat with them because you feel so shitty about everything, preferring late-night snacks when you can’t sleep.

it hits you after the third night that you can’t sleep because jake’s not there.

the vacation ends dismally. you haven’t spoken to jake since, sticking only with chaewon, rei and yunah, who promptly distanced themselves from the guys too. you actually don’t think there’s a way of fixing anything by this point—jake still looks borderline angry whenever he sees you, which makes you want to cry, and you know you’d be incapable of having a rational conversation with him anyway, since you’re so cut up about the whole thing.

little do you know, he’s having just as much of a hard time as you are. you’re stuck on parallels again—feeling the same, but never being able to do anything about it. he hates it, but he knows it’s his fault.

he realises it more acutely on the last night of the trip. heeseung’s let him be all week, letting him mope around at stupid hours of the morning, scrolling on his phone until he eventually falls asleep with it in his hand. he’s watched jake wake up in the morning and genuinely shed a tear at the thought of you. he’s heard from chaewon the whole story, obviously, so he decides he needs to be the voice of reason.

heeseung pulls jake aside at around 11 pm, when everyone’s gone back to their rooms. “jake, we need to talk,” he says firmly, like it’s not an option to back out now.

jake turns to look at him. “about what, heeseung?” he asks tiredly, although he already knows.

“about what you said to y/n.” heeseung sits down on the bed and pats the space next to him. “i don’t think you realise how much you hurt her. i’m not saying,” he lifts his hands up placatingly, “that she didn’t hurt you too. in fact, i think you’re both stupid and too scared to admit what’s been in front of you this whole time. but you need to be the one to apologise first, if you want to fix this at all.”

jake’s posture shrinks in on itself. he already feels really bad about the whole situation, but heeseung’s right—he is a coward. “what do i even say to her, though?” he asks. “i don’t think she wants to be anywhere near me at the moment.”

heeseung sighs. “this is the problem, jake. you don’t acknowledge how terrible this is clearly making you feel, so you just make excuses based on what you think she thinks.” he puts a hand on jake’s shoulder. “i’m not saying this to make you feel worse. i’m saying this because we’ve been friends for so long, and because y/n is my girlfriend’s closest friend. so what’s going on between the two of you affects her too.”

heeseung sighs again, like he knows this isn’t what jake wants to hear. “y/n already told chaewon that if you can’t make it up, she’ll ask to be reallocated into the girls’ dorm. it’s too much stress for her otherwise.”

that does it for jake. he’s been spiralling over what he could possibly say to you for the past five days, but always knocked the thought of actually saying anything back because he doesn’t think it’ll achieve anything. the thought of no longer being in close proximity to you, however, is enough to change his mind.

“i like her so much, heeseung,” he says, voice cracking slightly. “i don’t know why i said those things—i was jealous, i know that much now, but sunghoon had already told me it wasn’t real.” he lifts his head. “did i damage something beyond repair?”

“no,” heeseung says, pulling him in for a quick hug. “you can fix it. but you need to say something soon, because she’ll just keep on overthinking it until you do. and then you might lose a friend for good.”

by the time you get back to the university, you and jake still haven’t spoken. you’re genuinely considering badgering the dorm manager to move you back to the girls’ dorms, where you technically should’ve been this entire time.

but something in you is still reluctant. so you wait.

as you’re unpacking your suitcase, you reflect on the past few days. you feel pretty stupid, more than anything else, for even trying to make jake jealous in the first place—clearly, you’d just read too many romance books and blindly accepted the fact that it would work.

you’re also hurt, though. sometimes, you still feel a brief flicker of excitement at the fact that jake liked you, but then you remember he probably doesn’t anymore. you’re pretty sure he thinks you’re immature, someone who can’t handle real life situations without reverting to games or pettiness. god, he even thought you were being silly when you told him nico kissed you and you absolutely hated it, and didn’t want him to.

so what could you possibly have to say to each other? unfortunately, overriding the hurt, and the sense of betrayal you currently feel, is the realisation that you miss him.

you just miss him.

you miss the way he would text you late at night when he knew you couldn’t sleep before an exam, just to say “i’m here.” you miss taking his dog for a walk when the weather got warmer—you even miss his mum’s cooking, which feels so ridiculous, because why did you even know his parents? you miss grocery shopping together, sharing airpods, building lego, just talking to him.

you’re about to grow some balls and knock on his door when a knock sounds at your own door. you don’t expect it to be jake, why would it be? in your mind, he’s still angry with you.

but when you open the door, he’s standing there, eyebrows slightly furrowed, and hands clasped awkwardly in front of him, like he can’t quite decide what to do with them. your expression mirrors his, you’re sure, because this is honestly the last thing you expected to see from him.

you can’t even get a word out before he steps forward and hugs you.

this isn’t one of his ‘one second’ hugs that you’d always complain about to chaewon, not one of the hugs that felt borderline brotherly.

this is bone-crushing. he pulls you into his chest so tightly you think you might suffocate, arms around you like you’re the only thing keeping him grounded. you don’t hug him back at first—you can’t, you’re too shocked—but without realising it, your hands come up to circle his waist, holding onto him just as tightly as he’s holding onto you.

and then he starts to speak, face still half buried in your shoulder. “i’m so sorry, y/n, i didn’t mean—” his breath catches in his throat, “i didn’t mean any of it. i was jealous, i was being so, so, stupid, i—” he catches his breath again, pausing. “i shouldn’t have put any of my insecurities on you. it wasn’t fair.”

he pulls back slightly. you open your mouth to speak, but he doesn’t give you time. “i broke your trust, and made you feel like you were in the wrong, but you weren’t, you trusted me, told me that you never—” you put a finger on his lips to shut him up, tears already welling in your eyes.

“no, i’m sorry, jake,” you say firmly. “i shouldn’t have put myself or you in that position in the first place. i was the stupid one. you just reacted to it.” you smooth your hands over his hair, trying to fight the tears.

he shakes his head. “i shouldn’t have used your words against you,” he says. “i knew how much your first kiss meant to you. but that didn’t count, you know?” he looks at you intently now. “what nicholas did doesn’t mean anything, yeah? especially because he forced you.” jake says the last part with so much conviction he feels tears well up in his own eyes.

you’re overcome with emotion, and you realise you’re still holding on to jake, so you hug him tightly again. “i forgive you, jake,” you say into the crook of his neck. “i don’t ever wanna lose you like that again. i missed—” you break off, wondering if you should say what you really feel. “i missed us,” you say, more confidently.

jake’s grip tightens on you, arms around your waist this time, which feels strangely intimate. “i missed us too,” he says, voice rough and wrecked. “let’s not—let’s not do that again, yeah? let’s be honest with each other.”

you pull back for real this time, nodding. you pat the bed, motioning him to take a seat beside you. “well, i…” you look sheepishly at him. “this is going to sound crazy, but i couldn’t sleep without you.” you realise how that sounded and hurriedly correct yourself, feeling your face heat with embarrassment. “i think it was just because we weren’t talking, i’ll be fine now, but i—”

“i’ll stay tonight, if you want,” jake says. “i mean, only if you want,” he says quickly, feeling his own face redden. “it’s fine if you don’t,” he says, words tumbling out even faster.

you feel a flutter of warmth in your chest. “that would…that would be nice,” you nod. “i’d really like that. let’s eat first, though,” you say. “god knows i need a good meal after all that.” right on cue, your stomach grumbles, and you both laugh. there’s a softness in jake’s eyes that you haven’t really seen before—maybe it’s because until now, he’s been holding you at arm’s length. you honestly hope he won’t put that distance between you ever again.

you and jake go to the japanese place you both frequent during term time. it’s cosy, with dim lighting, worn red booths and the best selection of udon you’ve ever seen at that price point.

you both order your usual—beef sukiyaki udon for you, prawn tempura for jake, and two beers. and it feels like old times, before anything fractured between you two. you think you’re probably being overdramatic as you reflect on that last part, after all, you two only spent about a week not speaking to each other.

but it felt like the longest week of your life.

“i feel like i have to ask something,” jake says, putting down his chopsticks for a moment. “you actually locked the door on that night, didn’t you?”

you pause, your spoon halfway to your mouth. “i mean…yeah, i was pretty upset,” you say, not sure where this is going. “but there’s literally a couch, did you not just sleep there?”

jake looks mock-offended. “that couch is the cheapest leather imitation i’ve ever seen,” he says dramatically. “i kept on slipping off, so i had to sleep in heeseung’s bed while he shared with chaewon.” he points a chopstick at you accusingly. “i know for a fact they were not just sleeping that night, okay? i would know, i couldn’t sleep,” he says, the last sentence coming out slightly softer.

“i’m blaming you for my trauma, y/n. if i die because the nightmares of those noises they were making won’t stop, it’ll have your name on the tombstone.” jake traces an imaginary title in the air. “murdered by y/n, it’ll say.”

you pretend to be shocked. “oh my god, i’m so sorry you had to go through that,” you say sarcastically, rolling your eyes. “how on earth would our dear jakey like me to make it up to him?”

there’s a pause. jake swallows, adam’s apple bobbing. he knows what he wants to say—something along the lines of “kiss me,” or “be my girlfriend,” but he still feels like everything is a bit too raw for that.

so he doesn’t say any of it. instead, he laughs, the sound coming out slightly more forced than he intends it to. “you could get this meal, for one,” he jokes. obviously, he’s the one paying for tonight. that’s the least he could do after everything.

you roll your eyes even harder, but you’re smiling. “since you’re sleeping in my bed tonight,” you say, “fine. this one’s on me, you can repay my emotional distress another way.”

and there it goes again. for both of you. that small, insignificant moment, where the line between platonic and romantic blurs so violently at the edges that you can’t even tell what’s what anymore.

you shovel another spoonful of beef and broth into your mouth to hide your facial expression. now that you and jake made up, you remember that on that night, you both essentially confessed to each other. the only problem was that neither of you could do anything about it at the time.

jake breaks the silence, trying very hard to steer the conversation away from something that involves putting a label on whatever your tenuous relationship is at the moment. “i have ice cream back at the dorm that may have been there since before we left…” he says, making that face that’s so familiar to you, that smirk that never fails to make you blush. “you have to help me eat it,” he stage whispers. “i also have sour straps. so. dessert?”

you laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. your tradition of udon and beer, followed by his favourite lollies (which also happen to be yours) was something that started very early in your friendship, and you can’t hide your smile at his mention of it now. “let me pay,” you say, finishing the last of your beer. “i’ll be right back.”

you have this determination in your eyes that makes jake think it wouldn’t be wise to protest, so he goes outside and waits for you.

when you meet him outside, you’re holding something pink and white and fluffy in your hands, and you have a very evil expression on your face. cute, he thinks. “what’s that?” jake asks.

you hold it up to him proudly. “i told the waitress i was here with my boyfriend,” you say. “it’s national girlfriend day, or something, so she gave me a discount and this…hat thing?” jake just looks at it, horrified. you’re holding a bunny hat, complete with ears and a nose on the top. “wear it,” you say. “this is your repayment for last week.” it’s not a request, he realises too late, as you jam the hat onto his head. it was an order.

you stretch up on tiptoes (though you don’t have to stretch much, unfortunately) to adjust the hat, not realising how close his face is to yours. there’s a moment of silence while jake just stares at you, wondering how he can possibly restrain himself from doing something stupid, like kissing you.

mercifully, you pull back at the last moment, taking his appearance in fully. “cute,” you giggle. “it suits you,” you sputter out, trying (and failing) to control your laugh.

and then you see something you’ve never seen jake do before. he blushes. hard. not something that could be mistaken for the excess warmth from the udon, or the humidity in the night air. no, this is a real blush. his face turns bright red all the way up to his ears, which immediately flush a bright pink. and then, even more shockingly, he giggles softly, putting his hand up to cover his mouth.

“…jake?” you look at him quizzically, still trying not to laugh. “you good there?”

jake snaps himself out of whatever that was as fast as he can. you’ve never called him cute before, and that did something alarming to his whole concept of masculinity. he feels like he’s about two seconds away from asking you to call him a good boy—although, preferably in a different context. preferably in one of your dorm rooms…

“uh, yeah, i’m fine,” he says quickly, willing his face to return to its normal colour. “let’s walk, yeah? you wear the hat. i don’t think it looks good on me,” he removes the hat from his head and places it gently on yours. “that’s better,” he says quietly.

a few minutes pass in a comfortable silence as you head back towards the dorm. you’re walking so close together now that your sleeve is brushing his. you wonder if you should take his hand—but what would that make you? together? something more than friends? obviously, you want that. but you don’t know if you can initiate something like this when you’ve quite literally never done it before.

but you can’t overthink it any more. because jake’s hand finds yours and intertwines his fingers with your own. he looks at you, slightly questioning, as if to say, “is this okay?” you’re momentarily surprised, but you squeeze his hand back anyway. his palm is warm, and you know your hand is getting unbelievably sweaty just from the proximity—but he doesn’t seem to care.

you stay like that all the way back to your dorm room.

“are you…still staying tonight?” you say cautiously. holding hands felt like something immeasurably significant to you, but you don’t know if you’ve taken it the wrong way.

jake looks at you like you’re crazy. “didn’t i already say i would?” he holds up your joined hands. “you can’t get rid of me now,” he says. “go change, and let’s have dessert.”

you both demolish the ice cream and lollies in about five minutes flat. then you just talk. about what the next year will hold (he wants you to walk layla with him more often—apparently, she misses you), about how chaewon and heeseung somehow always find a way to bring you two together.

that briefly silences both of you. “i mean…they are our best friends,” you say. “it makes sense that they’d know a lot about us.”

“sometimes more than we even want to admit to ourselves,” jake says, nodding in agreement.

you laugh. “perks of being in a healthy relationship.” you feel your face warm, because you didn’t mean to phrase it like that.

but the room quiets in a way that makes the air feel weirdly thicker. you can almost feel the short distance between you and jake like a tangible thing—you’re both on your bed already, and it’s only a single, so there really isn’t much room between you at all. normally, these things would be impromptu, something you could put down to coincidence if you happened to fall asleep together—something that didn’t disturb the line between friendship and something more.

tonight feels different. jake feels it as much as you do. the feeling of your body next to his is intoxicating, and he can smell your perfume, skin-warmed and sweet. he suddenly feels the overwhelming need to say something, anything, that will finally address the elephant in the room. that he likes you, a scary amount, and that he can’t wait for the ‘right’ moment any longer.

“y/n,” jake says, before he can stop himself. “i like you. a lot. you…” he takes your hand again. you look at him, slightly startled, but waiting for him to go on.

“i’ve liked you since the moment i saw you, if i’m honest. i thought you were the prettiest girl i’d ever seen. and you still are to me. but…” he looks down at your joined hands now. “it was what came after that made you someone who i never, ever want to lose,” he says.

he takes a deep breath. “i know i made you feel like you were too inexperienced, but i really couldn’t care—”

but he can’t get another word out, because without overthinking too much about it, you pull his face towards yours and kiss him. he makes a surprised noise in the back of his throat, like this wasn’t what he was expecting, but deepens the kiss anyway.

you obviously have no idea what you’re doing. however, you’re a quick learner, and jake’s a very good teacher. he parts your lips with his tongue, kisses you slow and sweet. your hands tangle in his hair, his come up to your face. he takes your bottom lip between his teeth, and it’s your turn to make a small, involuntary noise, which briefly embarrasses you, but jake thinks he could stay here, with you making that noise, forever.

you pull back slightly for air. “hi,” you say, voice completely wrecked.

“hi,” jake responds, smiling against your lips, voice equally ruined. “not bad for the first time,” he jokes. “i think we can do better, though, yeah?”

and then he’s pulling you in for another kiss. somehow, you’ve landed half on his lap, almost straddling him. his hands trail down to your waist now, drifting beneath your tank top and over your back. when he reaches your bra strap, your hips give a little involuntary roll against his—nothing more than a slight shift against him, but enough for you to feel the hard line of him against your core. you gasp into his mouth, experimentally rolling your hips again, the friction building deliciously as he kisses the sensitive spot below your ear.

the feeling of you grinding against him is almost enough to undo jake completely. he can’t stop himself from whimpering—actually whimpering—as you shift forward again, and he knows he won’t last long.

but he doesn’t want to overwhelm you by coming in his pants the first time you even kiss, so he pulls back. “y/n,” he gasps, rough with suppressed need. “let’s—let’s sleep, yeah?”

you rest your forehead against his. “i knew you’d edge me like that,” you grumble, but you slide off his lap anyway. “i’m not done with you, jakey,” you say, kissing his pulse point as you lie down next to him.

jake has to clench his fists to stop himself from losing it altogether.

but then your mood shifts slightly, to something more contained, more genuine, almost. you curl into his side and sigh softly. “for what it’s worth, jake, i’ve liked you since we met too. we just took a little while to notice it.”

he smooths his hand over your hair, pulling you closer to him. “nah, i think we found each other exactly when we needed to,” he says. “i wouldn’t have this any other way.”

and as you both drift off to sleep, you finally realise that with each other, you’re exactly where you need to be.

youll see 🫣🫣

omg thank you so much 🥺🥺i was worried it was too slow or that im dragging scenes out for too long but i’m glad you think the pace is good!!

⇝ pairing: downbad!sim jaeyun x downbad fem!reader

⇝ genre: college au, theyre nearly roommates, sloooooooooow burn (read pt. 1 first!) jake is kinda a dick at the start, reader cries, guys it’s getting angsty eek! heeseung featured, jake is also kind of stupid for a bit </3, sub!jake foreshadowing

⇝ synopsis: two hopeless romantics and incredibly awkward people meet, neither knowing how the other feels.

⇝ warnings: cursing, suggestive language, mentions of insecurity/negative body image, mentions of anxiety, masturbation (m) minors DNI

wc: 6.2k

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3

a/n: thank you sosososo much for all the positive feedback on part one!!! i was not expecting 100+ people to enjoy my silly little story, so i really appreciate it. i really hope my writing reaches all the girls who think they’re ‘average’ out there - you’re all more special than you think, and i know someday someone will see you in exactly the way you deserve :)

waiting at the front of the football field for jake, you feel a small surge of happiness, a smile making its way unbidden onto your face. regardless of whether what’s going on between the two of you is platonic or not, it’s just nice. and you’re a little scared of what that might mean for your sanity, and your heart.

you’re shaken out of your thoughts by jake. “y/n!” he stops in front of you. “there’s this burger place just off campus, wanna go there?” he looks so genuinely happy, so cheerful, that you can’t help but grin back.

“sounds good,” you say. “i’m actually starving right now.” you fall into step beside jake, an easy silence falling between you.

it’s a short walk to the burger joint jake suggested. it’s cosy, with a few booths tucked in each corner of the room. the dim lighting makes it feel strangely intimate, like it isn’t lunchtime, and you’re not just grabbing lunch with a friend. no, it feels like more than that, you muse as jake asks for a table for two.

you’re directed to a booth, which feels more important that it should. you take a seat, expecting jake to sit across from you. but he doesn’t. with an easy smile, jake slides into the spot next to you. “how else am i gonna steal your chips if i’m not next to you?” he says, a teasing edge in his voice.

“bold of you to assume there’ll be any chips left for you to steal,” you say dryly. “those cocoa pops of yours were 90% air.” you sound more confident than you are. it’s not a date, but your heart thinks it’s starting to feel like one. and your brain doesn’t know what to do with that information.

after ordering, you and jake slip into your regular conversations.

“i was so nervous before i scored that goal,” he admits, a small smile on his face. “i think that’s the first time, actually? i’m actually not that good at soccer.” he runs a hand through his hair.

“that’s cap,” you say. “don’t you train like…three times a week? when chaewon goes to watch heeseung practise she always tells me you’re there too.” that last part comes out before you can stop it. “wait, i didn’t mean—”

jake leans slightly closer to you, face inches away from yours. “pause. you’ve been asking if i was there?”

your face heats with embarrassment. “no, i—it’s usually when you’re not responding to my texts,” you say. “bro’s leaving me on delivered for eight hours, so i have to find out why.” you roll your eyes dramatically, wondering how you can save yourself from this moment. maybe the ceiling could collapse?

luckily, the moment is broken by your food arriving. “oh my god, this is so good,” you say around mouthfuls of your burger. “i haven’t had a burger for so long.”

jake nods in agreement, taking a huge bite of his own. he looks vaguely pensive, like he’s thinking about something really hard.

surprise surprise, he’s thinking of what his next move on you could be. so far, he’s tried a few things, but nothing’s worked. either you really don’t like him like that, or he’s being too subtle about it.

he sees his opportunity when you turn to say something to him, a small fleck of sauce on the corner of your mouth. before you can speak, he reaches out and wipes the sauce away. “you had something there,” he says, all too casually, before even more casually licking the sauce from his own finger.

you genuinely think you might just spontaneously combust right there and then. “jake, what the—” you wipe your mouth with a napkin to hide your blush. “that was so uncalled for,” you say.

jake just shrugs. “you were gonna just leave it there, weren’t you,” he says, looking mildly disgusted. “i couldn’t watch you just be oblivious, could i?”

oh. so it wasn’t what you were thinking. not what you’ve seen in countless romance movies time and time again. you feel stupid. “you chose this burger place, dude,” you snipe. “what did you think, that i was gonna eat it with cutlery?”

jake doesn’t register his fumble until about thirty seconds too late. but the moment, or whatever he intended it to be, is gone.

you both finish your burgers. the air feels slightly thicker, like there’s a mess of things unsaid that you both have to wade through.

you don’t feel as comfortable as you did before. but, jake’s a guy. you couldn’t really expect courtesy from him. even if you thought the friendship between you was something to be treasured, even for a second, he was just a guy, who probably treated all of his female friends in the same way. blurring the line between things friends do and things they wouldn’t.

the waitress comes to your table. “all done here?” she chirps, cutting through the tension like a knife. although, only you feel the tension. so it probably doesn’t count.

“yep,” jake says, pulling out his card.

“oh no, you don’t have to—” you reach for your own card, but jake’s hand on your wrist stops you.

“i want to,” he says, before turning back to the waitress and tapping his card on the reader.

you can only sit there, mute, as you wonder what is actually going on between the two of you.

the walk back to your dorm feels easier. “thanks for the lunch,” you say. “i probably should’ve paid, given that you scored a goal earlier.”

jake shakes his head. “nah, i wanted to. you’ll get the next one, ‘kay?” he says as you unlock your respective doors.

“okay, okay,” you laugh. “i might be around to bother you later. text me if you’re bored,” you say over your shoulder in parting.

see, the thing is, jake feels a bit too satisfied with himself right now. maybe it’s that three months haven’t been enough to really know you, or maybe it’s just his mildly inflated male ego talking here. but, he thinks that his little move in the restaurant was successful.

he sighs, sitting down on his bed and checking his phone. the groupchat was talking about going out on the weekend, sunghoon texted him to ask for notes, and he has two new likes on his recent story. which happened to be a photo taken by you after he scored his goal.

then he remembers something. the way your face closed in on itself slightly, when he said something about you not wiping off the sauce yourself. he hadn’t thought much of it at the time, and even now he still can’t really see what could’ve made you upset. but there was a shift, and he can’t get it out of his head.

he picks up his phone again and texts heeseung.

jake: yo dude i think i fumbled MEGA pls help

heeseung: is this abt y/n again :/ can u please stop asking me for advice

jake: no no im being so fr i think i upset her

jake: can u be sneaky and ask chaewon when u see her next

heeseung: bru what did u do get to the point

jake: i lowk wiped a bit of sauce from her mouth and then mightve implied she was a messy eater or gross or smth for not wiping it herself

jake: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A MOVE OK DONT CANCEL ME

heeseung: oh damn ok um ill ask for u

heeseung: that kinda bad icl especially if she thought u were being cute

jake: fucking hell im so stupid what do i do

heeeseung: old news buddy, old news

heeseung: girls and food r weird

heeseung: if shes comfy to eat a lot around u then dont make her feel bad abt it

heeseung: anyways thats my top tip take it or leave it

jake: yeah it was a big ahh burger …

heeseung: seen

jake locks his phone with a sigh. he hopes he didn’t irreversibly damage your view of him, and he would really like to fix it before you think he’s genuinely disgusted by you.

he’s obviously blowing things out of proportion, because you’re fine. well, fine enough that you’ll probably text jake later anyway. but, you will tell chaewon about this.

she picks up on the first ring. “yes mama? how was your little lunch date?”

“it wasn’t a date,” you hiss through your teeth. “anyway, i’m a gross bigback according to jake now.”

chaewon sighs. “are you at home right now,” she says, not a question. “i’m gonna beat him up, mkay?”

you laugh in spite of yourself, the details of what happened now spilling out. chaewon is incensed, naturally. “i’m telling heeseung. gimme one sec. jake’ ll know what he did wrong in about two minutes.”

“no, chaewon, don’t—” but she hangs up.

you don’t text jake that night after all. instead, you briefly act like you never met the guy. it’s too much effort for right now, you think as you sink beneath the covers of your bed.

heeseung texts jake back the next day.

heeseung: yeah bro unfortunately ur in the sticks rn

jake: why what omg what did u finf iut

heeseung: “gross bigback”

heeseung: just gonna leave this here LOL

a sensation of pure horror spreads through jake’s body.

jake: im avoiding. the strategy is avoidance.

heeseung: ok chat do u like this girl or not

heeseung: bc if yes u gotta apologise asap

heeseung: like i said

heeseung: dont come between a girl and her food

if you could see these messages, you’d think you couldn’t have said it better yourself. it’s not that you think you’re fat—but sometimes you’re painfully aware of how fast you’re eating or drinking. you’re a chugger, always finish your food before anyone else, always go back for seconds.

who could blame you? food is literally life.

maybe that’s why jake’s comment stuck. and it’s not really about the food, at the end of the day. it’s that you felt scarily safe with him, and he went and said something that made you believe you weren’t.

but you can’t see those messages. and you don’t expect it when jake knocks on your door a couple of days later at 11 pm.

“open up,” he says, ear pressed to the door. he can’t hear anything from inside your room, but he’s pretty sure you’re in there. “y/n—” he starts to call out, when the door swings open.

you’re standing there in a towel. nothing else. water is dripping down the line of your collarbone from your hair, and you’re flushed from your shower.

“oh my god, just wait five minutes, will you?” you say, and shut the door in his face.

jake can’t deal with this. in fact, he wonders how his dick is ever going to recover. it’s almost like it’s actually saying “i won’t recover” in a snarky little voice as it jumps in his pants.

he looks down, willing the bulge in his pants to disappear. it doesn’t, staying stubbornly hard. and very obvious.

a few minutes pass, and jake hears rustling and what he presumes is your wardrobe door slamming. which just makes his dick twitch again as he (unwillingly, he’ll have you know) pictures you getting dressed. it’s so embarrassing how easy he is for you. but what’s more embarrassing, he thinks with a rush of panic, is that you’re about to open the door and see him rock hard, and using three packets of chips, a huge multipack of shin ramen, and a box of your favourite chocolates to cover it.

before he can contemplate throwing himself out the window any more, your door swings open again. “make it quick,” you say. “i just got off work, and i just wanna sleep right now.” you stifle a yawn.

i can get you off quickly, jake thinks fleetingly. stop it. he mentally slaps himself a couple of times. “i, uh—brought you snacks. i thought, uh—”

“you thought i’d get hungry?” you arch an eyebrow. what the actual fuck, you think. “so you basically think i’m fat. that’s what you’re saying.”

there’s a long pause. jake looks mildly shell-shocked, then panicked, then absolutely terrified. he remembers what heeseung said. “no, no, that’s not what i mean,” he says, words tumbling out. “i feel bad about the sauce thing, okay? i’m—look, i’m trying to make it up to you. eat as much as you want! however you want!” he pushes the snacks into your hands.

you look at him tiredly, taking the snacks. he is so ridiculous. ridiculously endearing, your brain shouts at you. but you smile anyway, despite yourself. “well, you’re gonna have to help me eat them then, aren’t you?” you practically pull him into your room.

obviously, you know this is heeseung’s doing. he and chaewon started dating almost as soon as you realised he knew jake, and he realised you were best friends with chaewon. so he basically knows everything about you, just by association.

you feel slightly grateful. jake still looks so lost, so apologetic that it almost turns you on.

well, not almost. it does.

you push the thought aside as quickly as it comes. you’ll deal with this new revelation about yourself later.

jake sits down on your bed and rips open a packet of chips. “here, eat something,” he says. you oblige, stuffing a handful of chips into your mouth.

a couple of minutes pass like that, the sounds of crunching filling the air. jake feels a bit bolder now—not enough to make another stupid comment, but enough to say, “i feel like i don’t really know you, y/n.” the words slip out before he can stop them.

this surprises you completely. “what?” you say, confused. “elaborate, please.”

“well, we’ve been friends for what, three and a bit months now? and i know you, but i had no idea i could accidentally hurt you like that, and i’m really sorry, and i think it’d be better if i got to know you—like, really know you, so i don’t mess up like that again,” jake says.

a shaky exhale leaves your mouth. no-one has ever apologised to you like that before. actually, beyond superficial things, you’re pretty sure no-one has ever really apologised to you.

“i—” you start to speak, but your voice comes out all croaky and weird, like it’s not your own. before you can even fully register it, you’re crying.

maybe it’s because it’s late, maybe it’s because you’re about to start your period, maybe it’s because it’s jake, who is sitting across from you looking so genuine that you can almost feel your heart physically split open.

but the reason doesn’t matter. you cry, great big crocodile tears, not dainty tears. they stream down your face in rivulets.

there’s a tangible pause. jake watches you for a beat, momentarily shocked. but then he’s overwhelmed with the need to make you stop crying, stop hurting, stop whatever made you feel this way. so he hesitates, only for a second, just enough to register the skin on your arms and legs begin to blotch up—angry red patches that stretch all the way to your neck.

then he shifts over to you and hugs you. it’s not a graceful hug. it’s not particularly comfortable for either of you, either. he’s next to you now, having pulled you half onto his lap, your face buried in his chest, sobs wracking your body. at first, he feels you stiffen slightly, but then you melt into his touch. your arms come up to circle his neck, fisting into the back of his hoodie as if to anchor yourself. jake just holds you, arms around your waist, as you continue to cry.

you stay like this for a good ten minutes. when you finally pull back, jake’s hoodie is a mess. your snot and tears stain the front, and the hood is almost creased from how hard you were gripping it.

mortification floods your body. “oh my god, i’m so sorry, i don’t know why i started crying, it’s just, no-one’s ever said they want to know me before, i just—” you break off and look down at yourself, noticing the blotches that cover your body. “i also get stress hives when i cry,” you grimace, “as you might have noticed.”

jake looks at you, really looks at you. your hair is mussed, your lips are swollen from you chewing on them, your face is flushed and raw. he thinks he’s never seen a prettier sight in his life. but also, he never wants to see you cry like that again.

“don’t ever apologise for that,” he says. “i don’t mind being here for you.” he means it. his mind, and his heart, and his dick—they all think you might’ve personally hung the moon.

and that nearly sets you off again. it feels so strange how simple words can make you feel so seen, so loved. you restrain yourself, though. “thank you, jake,” you say quietly. “you don’t know how much that really means to me.”

he just nods, pulling you in for another hug. since you’re not bawling your eyes out this time, you concentrate on the feel of him, of how secure being held by him makes you feel. it really does scare you. but somehow, you trust him.

and that terrifies you more than anything else.

things change between you and jake after that. he’s more careful with you. sometimes too careful, you think. but it’s nice, to be cared for, and you can tell he’s really trying.

he memorises your coffee order—iced soy vanilla latte if it’s before lunch, hot chocolate if it’s after, or raining. he pays so much attention to the things you say and remembers it all that sometimes even you don’t know what you said or when.

like the time when you happened to say your favourite flowers were baby’s breath, and then on your 21st birthday, you stepped outside your room to find a huge vase of them sitting on your doormat. or the time when you mentioned craving chicken and beer, and the next day jake ordered it in for the two of you.

it’s not like you spend a disproportionate amount of time with him—you still have your group of friends, and you’re honestly with them most of the time.

but it’s the nighttimes you save for jake.

you often share meals now, cooking together in the communal kitchen on your floor—“it saves time and money,” jake reasoned one day, and you didn’t have the heart to argue. you spend late nights studying in your room, you on the bed, him on the floor (you bought a cheap rug from ikea for this very purpose) and early mornings banging on his door to tell him to hurry up and finish showering because it’s messing with your water. the pipes, like many other things between the two of you, seem to be connected.

and somehow, it’s all completely platonic.

summer break rolls around too soon, the beginning of your third year of university looming. you and your close friends—chaewon, yunah and rei, have been invited to heeseung’s cousin’s beach house in jeju island for a couple of weeks. along with jake, heeseung and their friends—jay, sunghoon and jungwon.

you weren’t sure if you were going to go at first. “come on,” chaewon wheedled, “this is your chance to get out of the friendzone with jake.”

you sighed in exasperation. “chae, i already know he doesn’t like me like that. if he did, he would’ve done something about it already. i don’t need to go to jeju and torture myself by third-wheeling you and heeseung.” you ticked off people on your fingers, “and watching rei and jay flirting in japanese. and be ignored by sunghoon and jungwon as i usually am.”

your tone had an air of finality in it then, but here you are, piling into the coach heeseung rented to take you to the port. unfortunately, chaewon is busy being a ‘boyfriend girl’ and already looked at you unapologetically as she slid into the seat beside heeseung, leaving jake to wave at you from the seat over.

one thing you are not planning to do on this trip is get your heart broken.

but you sit down next to him anyway. he hands you an airpod almost immediately, chase atlantic playing through the tiny speaker.

“jake,” you say, looking at him incredulously, “in what world did you think chase atlantic was appropriate for a summer bus ride?”

jake shrugs. “they have good music? i just like it?”

“i know that,” you say. “but isn’t the vibe more applicable to…nighttime?” and making out? you want to add, but you stop yourself. there’s no need to expose the fact that you pictured losing your virginity to slow down more times than you can count.

again, jake looks completely unbothered. “you should see what else i’ve got queued up,” he says, matter of fact.

over the next four hours, you’re subjected to the horrors of jake’s playlist. and it’s doing terrible, terrible things to your heart.

it seems like he’s actually trying to say something to you, you think, when he plays best part immediately followed by from the start immediately followed by often. which also gives you emotional whiplash because how on earth are you supposed to deal with anything when his shoulder is pressed to yours, and laufey’s voice is crooning in your ear, voicing everything you wish you could say—but you can’t say any of it at all.

you feel like a coward, sitting there in silence in the coach. in fact, other than trying to focus on the music, you sit there and overanalyse yourself for the entire time.

you think that jake couldn’t possibly like you—you’re not pretty enough, for one, he mogs you in literally every way. you’re too anxious for him, his easygoing personality wouldn’t be able to handle it. plus, he’s made it clear that he won’t push your boundaries. your hugs never linger for more than a second, he never flirts, always looks out for you, always takes care of you in stupidly platonic ways.

almost like a brother, you think, and immediately want to punch yourself in the face.

little do you know, jake is spiralling almost—key word almost—as badly as you right now. he obsessively curated this playlist almost a month ago, ever since heeseung floated the idea of going to jeju. it’s full of all the things he wishes he could say to you, and might be a bit too pointed, he thinks, although he’s honestly hoping you finally catch on.

yes, he has been respectful—but that’s because he wants to do this right. he already knows you don’t open up easily, and he feels grateful that you trust him enough to cry in front of him, to rant about professors, your coworkers at your cafe job, and your hopes, dreams and fears.

it’s almost enough for him that he even got to that point, as a friend, because he likes you so, so much that he almost feels physically sick at the thought of losing you. and he can’t even imagine what might happen if he confessed and you didn’t feel the same. it would ruin your friendship, it’d be awkward, you’d probably finally bother the dorm administrator about switching rooms.

no, he can’t do that, he thinks, as you pass him his airpod back at the end of the bus ride. “thanks for the music,” you say dryly. “if i could nap i would’ve slept the whole way through it.”

jake hands you your suitcase, having taken it down from the overhead rack for you. “i’ve got more where that came from,” he says, a playful note in his voice. “want me to send it to you?”

you mock shudder, falling into step beside him as you walk to the boat. “i think i’ll pass on that one. i don’t think i need to experience laufey x the weeknd ever again.” you flop down on your seat inside the boat. “yeah, i’m sleeping through this boat ride.”

you already know you won’t be sleeping. obviously. but about half an hour later, your eyes droop shut and your head falls onto jake’s shoulder.

he’s startled momentarily. he knows as well as you do that it takes very specific conditions for you to sleep—usually consisting of three melatonin gummies and a 1 am bedtime. so this is new.

but, he thinks as he leans his head on top of yours, there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.

you and jake are woken up nearly three hours later by the sound of a camera shutter clicking and a loud “clipped!” followed by an uproar of laughter. you both blink awake, only to see your friends standing in front of you, looking very pleased with themselves.

chaewon holds up a digicam proudly. “got that one on the cam!” she says happily, raising her eyebrows at you. “it’s not every day miss insomniac falls asleep on a person, on a boat, in broad daylight.”

you roll your eyes and stand up. “maybe i was just very tired, okay?” you gripe, but there’s no real bite to it. you’re secretly proud of yourself that you managed to fall asleep with jake for the second time.

the nine of you exit the boat and pile into yet another minibus. you feel a strange sense of excitement now. but underneath that, there are all the things left unsaid between you and jake.

and you’re not sure how much longer you can last before you inevitably get hurt.

heeseung’s cousin’s beachside villa is, in a word, stunning. it’s not so huge, with only four bedrooms, but its eastern outlook is already making you picture the sunrises over the beach, and its white, weatherboard exterior looks so radiant in the evening light that you think you might never want to leave.

although, it’s going to be a difficult trip.

you realise this for the first time when you’re shown to your rooms, and it’s unfortunately turned out that you have to share with jake, of all people. never mind that you had your close girl friends with you and should’ve shared with them, no, it couldn’t possibly be that simple. since chaewon wanted to share with heeseung, no-one else wanted to bunk in with them. naturally. sunghoon, jay and jungwon already claimed the room with bunkbeds, and yunah and rei had the room with two twin beds.

which leaves you to share not just a room—but a bed—with jake. “it’s fine,” he says as you open the door to your room, only to see a double bed (not even a king size, you think indignantly) complete with pink pillows and towels shaped like roses.

“it’s fine,” jake says again, this time more to convince himself than you. “we’ve shared a single bed before, and you did sleep.” he glances over at you. your face is a picture of horror, which makes him feel a little offended. was he that bad?

“yo, what’s wrong?” he says, trying to break the tension. “if you want i’ll sleep on the couch outside.”

you snap out of your reverie. “no, no, it’s fine, don’t worry. i just realised i forgot my melatonin, and it’s a new place, so…” you trail off, sighing slightly.

before jake can answer, heeseung bursts through the door. “oh!” he muffles a laugh. “didn’t realise they gave you the couple suite,” he says slyly. “we’re heading down to the beach, wanna come?”

“yeah, yeah,” jake says. “be down in a sec.”

you turn to look at him awkwardly. “i gotta change, um, where—”

“you use the bathroom, i’ll change here,” he says. “just knock when you’re done to let me know you’re coming out.”

you change quickly, trying to avoid looking at yourself too much in the mirror. shouldn’t have eaten the macdonalds a few hours ago, you think to yourself. you’re already anxious just from the whole situation, but because of those damn nuggets (which you thoroughly enjoyed) you feel extra bloated. you feel like your bikini looks stupid since your tits are so far apart you could drive a boat through the middle of them, and your flat ass isn’t helping either.

you’re also too pale, you realise, rubbing your arms to warm yourself up. the little hairs on your arms are sticking up from the aircon, and you wish you’d shaved beforehand. you’re also pretty sure there’s a very visible ingrown hair at your bikini line from your last wax a couple of weeks ago.

you sigh again, wondering if you can face jake like this. but before you can overthink it any more, a knock sounds at the door. “y/n, are you done? i need sunscreen, and i put my toiletry stuff in the bathroom already.”

“yeah, yeah, come in,” you say, clearing your throat slightly.

jake opens the door, sees you, and thinks his heart stops. you’re only wearing a simple black bikini, which to you isn’t anything special, but to him looks like the pearly gates of heaven.

“what are you staring at?” you say, peering at him self-consciously. does he think you look silly? ugly, even?

jake opens his mouth. closes it. opens it again. “oh—nothing,” he says quickly. “nice swimsuit.”

nice swimsuit? is that really the best he can do?

while he’s busy thinking of all the ways he could rewind the last thirty seconds, you think you’re one ab away from a mental breakdown. jake is shirtless, in front of you.

obviously it’s normal, you scold yourself before your brain can fixate on his traps any more. guys go swimming shirtless. but you still forget to blink as you take in the line of his shoulders, the way his back muscles flex as he applies the sunscreen on his arms.

“want some?” he holds the bottle out to you.

you blink, hard. a few too many times. “uh, yeah,” you say, taking the bottle from him and applying sunscreen of your own.

you’re nearly done when he says, “i can’t reach my back. can you maybe…?” he gestures to the sunscreen bottle in your hand.

oh god. you take in a deep breath and nod. “yeah sure, let me just—” you squirt some sunscreen into your hands and dab it on jake’s back.

jake has to work very hard to control what may as well be full-body tremors as you start to rub the sunscreen in.

you’re battling similar demons. jake’s back is warm and solid under your touch, and so broad that you can already feel heat pool in your gut. you smooth your hands over his shoulder blades in an attempt to calm yourself, but it does little to slow your racing heart.

meanwhile, he’s gritting his teeth with the sheer effort of keeping himself together. mercifully, a few seconds later, you spin him around. “done,” you say softly. “i’ll get chaewon to do my back, don’t worry about it.”

but only because you’re not sure how much more of this you can take before you do something stupid.

the rest of the afternoon passes uneventfully. you stick close to chaewon, who has decided that she (temporarily) values your company more than heeseung’s. you swim, lie on the sand, and try very hard to forget about all the things jake is currently making you feel.

you stay that way, pretending he doesn’t exist, until you’ve all finished dinner—heeseung’s signature ramen recipe—and everyone is too tired to talk any longer.

but then you can’t ignore jake any more. you stay up with chaewon discussing, to your chagrin, how you can make jake realise what he’s missing out on. she thinks you should flirt with someone else. you argue that you wouldn’t even know how to, given your complete lack of experience in that field.

eventually, she shrugs, as if she can’t help you any more. “at least you’re sharing a bed,” she says. “anything can happen!” she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, and you cringe. of course you’ve thought about it—you’ve read enough romance books with the one bed trope, but it seems so unlikely that anything could possibly happen between you and jake, so it doesn’t seem productive to dwell on it.

you pad to your shared room at about midnight. when you open the door, jake is sitting up in bed, scrolling on his phone.

“you could’ve gone to sleep already,” you say. in fact, you’d been hoping he would, so you could lie awake peacefully without knowing he was aware of you next to him.

unfortunately for you, that’s not the case. “i wanted to wait,” he says, smiling slightly. “plus, i couldn’t sleep. you and chaewon were being kinda loud out there.”

you clap your hand over your mouth. “what did you—how much—you didn’t hear anything, right?” you’re horrified.

“i heard my name a couple of times, but that’s about it. nothing bad, i hope?” jake tries to force his face into a wider smile, but internally, he’s freaking out, praying you weren’t furiously negotiating with chaewon so you could swap rooms with heeseung.

“no, no, nothing,” you say, shaking your head vigorously. “i’m just gonna change and brush my teeth.” you point to the bathroom. “please don’t wait up for me! i’m not gonna sleep anyway, you know that.”

but jake doesn’t listen to you, obviously.

when you’re finished in the bathroom, the light is off, but you can hear jake’s still awake, from the way his breathing hasn’t evened out yet. not wanting to invite further conversation, you slip under the covers as inconspicuously as possible.

and you’re fully prepared to stay wide awake all night, as you usually would the first night in a new place—and especially because someone is next to you.

but later, in your half-asleep state, you dimly register clinging onto something warm and comfortable, before you completely drift off.

you wake with a start, body locking up as you realise that this is the second time you’ve acted like jake was a human pillow. embarrassment floods your body, and you shut your eyes tightly, hoping that this might just be a dream, and you’ll wake up on your own side of the bed, alone, peacefully.

then you register the position you’re in, and realise that you might not be at fault this time.

jake has his arms fully wrapped around your body. you’re pulled flush against his chest, and you can feel the soft rise and fall of his breathing behind you. and something, you register with a surge of horror, pressing hard against your ass.

you try to move, but it only pushes your ass further against jake’s now unmistakable boner. and before you can extricate yourself from his hold, he wakes up.

“oh my god—” the exclamation tears from his throat, voice rough. “i am so sorry, i can’t control it, i—” he practically pushes you away from him. “it’s got nothing to do with you, i swear, it’s just biology…”

from the other side of the bed, you suddenly can’t stop laughing. it’s such a ridiculous situation, and even though technically you should be concerned, or feel violated, for some reason it’s the funniest thing you’ve witnessed all week.

jake still looks absolutely panicked. and he is. unfortunately for him, his whole spiel about it being “just biology” isn’t completely correct. he was actually in the middle of an amazing wet dream. that just so happened to be about you.

and he’s very glad he woke up when he did, because otherwise he probably would’ve blown a load against your ass. and that’s a lot harder to explain.

“it’s fine, jake,” you say in between chuckles. “just…try not to strangle me in your sleep tonight, yeah?”

the sleep still lingering in your voice is almost enough to undo him completely. “i’m gonna—” he gestures frantically to the ensuite— “bathroom,” he says, scrambling off the bed and into the bathroom as fast as he can.

you looks quizzically for a second at the bathroom door. but, your goal is to forget about this as fast as possible for the sake of your own sanity, so you shut the door quietly behind you, and head to the kitchen for some breakfast.

jake breathes a sigh of relief as he hears your footsteps recede. he quickly pulls out his dick, still hard and heavy in his hand. he pumps it up and down a couple of times, and it doesn’t take much before he comes hard with your name on his lips, breath shaking.

after washing his hands, he stares at himself in the mirror and scrubs his hand down his face. that’s a new low for him, he thinks, shame flooding his body as he remembers how you admitted to him that you had never even kissed anyone, and here he is, jerking off to you in your shared bathroom, when you could come back at any moment.

he has to do something soon, he realises. otherwise this is just going to get worse, and he doesn’t know how much longer he can live with being ‘just friends.’

⇝ pairing: downbad!sim jaeyun x downbad fem!reader

⇝ genre: college au, theyre nearly roommates, sloooooooooow burn (will be multiple parts!) jake and reader are oblivious, im sorry they’re both very horny but too scared to do anything about it, reader is insecure, theyre both awkward, just give them a little time okay?

⇝ synopsis: two hopeless romantics and incredibly awkward people meet, neither knowing how the other feels.

⇝ warnings: cursing, suggestive language, mentions of alcohol/drinking, mentions of insecurity/negative body image

wc: 5.4k

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3

the first time jake sees you, he knows he’s done for.

it feels like he might’ve come across you before - maybe he’s seen you around campus, maybe you share a class. but he can’t place the feeling.

it’s the second week of the second semester of your second year at university. you’re lugging a cardboard box up the stairs to your dorm room, puffing, hair sticking to your forehead with sweat.

jake’s just about to descend the stairs himself when he sees you.

you stop, catching your breath, cheeks red from exertion, looking up to see how much further you’ve got left.

“oh, hi,” you pant. jake’s standing there, one hand braced on the bannister like he can’t quite decide where to put it, some kind of vacant expression on his face.

you peer closer. “…hi?” you say again, more cautiously this time. you stand up straight. “i’m your new neighbour, i think. they messed up my dorm allocation and they put me in the boys’ building and the elevator broke—” you pause.

for jake, it’s like time has stopped. in fact, he hasn’t even heard your little rant. he’s too busy focusing on how bright your eyes are, how prettily your hair sits in your ponytail, how your voice rings out cheerfully in the empty stairwell.

yeah, he’s gone.

“oh, uh…yeah, hi,” he snaps himself out of the trance. “i’m jake, room 5B. you’re 5A? the room’s been empty for a while now, i was wondering when someone would move in,” he chuckles slightly.

your slightly faded smile immediately returns. “yep, i’m y/n! i’m nearly done here, i just,” you gesture helplessly to the box lying on the stair above, “have this last one to go.”

“do you need some help?” jake regrets the words almost as soon as they exit his mouth. he’s already late for his lecture, his friends have been clowning him about his grades for the past month and he really, really shouldn’t be offering.

“oh, no, it’s fine! i’m really fine. but i’ll see you around!” you lift the box up the last few steps, just to prove your point, jake mentally breathing a sigh of relief. he feels like an idiot, since you clearly had no trouble, but he feels a little proud too. does that count as a move?

“yeah, see you around,” he lifts his arm up awkwardly as you slot your key into the door.

that’s the first time jake really sees you.

in the next few weeks, jake realises you’re a very, very quiet neighbour. he had almost hoped you’d play loud music at night just so he had an excuse to bang on your door poetically at three o’clock in the morning. he’d almost wished you made obnoxiously obscene noises with whoever he assumed you brought home—he thinks, with a face like that, you couldn’t possibly be alone all the time.

he also realises that you’re painfully organised. on that first night, while taking out the trash, he noticed your colour coded and labelled move-in boxes, all neatly piled up in the recycling. that cancelled out his scenario of you having mixed up your laundry with his. preferably laundry of the undergarment variety.

in fact, jake barely sees you at all. in the mornings, as he’s dragging his half-asleep self to a lecture he’s already an hour late to, he’ll smell the remnants of your perfume drifting up the staircase. at night, maybe he’ll hear your door softly close, maybe he’ll occasionally see your worn crocs sitting outside the door.

but really, that’s it. to him, you’ve settled at the edges of his life without even knowing it.

until something shifts.

jake’s gaming one night, on call with his friends. he’s really supposed to be studying for his engineering midterms, but as usual, he’s procrastinating that. his friends aren’t talking about much, just being stupid, but then he hears your name.

“yo, let’s rank the girls in our stem foundations course,” sunghoon says. it’s already two am and clearly he’s not thinking straight. everyone joins in, nonetheless.

“what are we talking about here, personality, or looks?” heeseung asks.

“both, duh. i’ll go first. yunjin is objectively the hottest, but her personality is crap. hmm…isa is sweet, maybe a bit shy though.”

jay’s voice cuts through jake’s headset like a beacon. “what about y/n? she’s lowkey quiet though, not much to say. pretty average, if you ask me.”

the others all hum in agreement, continuing to slurp their ramyeon noisily in between moves.

jake, on the other hand, hates what jay said, and hates even more that he doesn’t know you well enough to prove him wrong.

his character dies in game and he quickly leaves the call, typing out a quick “finger slipped, gotta study now anyway.”

in reality, he’s busy plotting ways to get closer to you.

the next morning, you’re in your nine am lecture, stem foundations, ironically enough. you’ve picked your usual seat—in the middle, just to the right. it’s about halfway through the class, and you’re halfway through writing a sentence in your notes, when you feel someone drop down next to you.

“hi, mind if i sit?”

you start in surprise, dropping your pen on the desk with an embarrassingly loud clatter. jake is peering at you cheerfully, no trace of shame in his eyes for the mild scare he just caused you.

“oh, sure!” you pick up your pen quickly. “why are you so late, by the way?”

jake shrugs. “overslept.” but he’s mentally fist pumping the air as he watches you nod and turn back to your notes.

he can’t focus for the rest of the lecture. when you’re dismissed, you give him a quick wave as you link arms with a friend.

“see you around!” he sure hopes so.

in contrast to jake’s view of you, limited though it might be, you genuinely believe you’re as average as his friends think. if you had overheard that conversation, you probably wouldn’t even be hurt—you’d probably agree.

which is why you don’t notice the shift in jake’s behaviour, or your own, when he begins slipping between the cracks into your carefully constructed routine.

it’s a regular wednesday night, not late, maybe eight o’clock. you’ve just showered after finishing up your shift at a nearby cafe. you’re comfortable—why wouldn’t you be? you enjoy a party as much as the next girl, but midterms are coming up, it’s midweek, and you’re just so, so, tired. and you definitely didn’t expect to be seeing anyone anyway.

you’re in your favourite pyjamas, a cute matching set from brandy with little flowers on it, braless—you weren’t about to put one back on after the nightmare shift you just had. you’ve switched out your contacts for glasses since your eyes were getting dry, and your hair is still damp from the everything shower you just took.

life is good. except for the fact that you’ve been hunched over your desk for the better part of two hours now, attempting to study.

you’re just about to give up and make some ramen when you hear a knock at your door. you quickly throw on a hoodie, check your reflection and open the door to see jake. with two bags of popcorn in his hand and a very, very, sheepish grin on his face.

you immediately experience emotional whiplash in the span of approximately two milliseconds.

firstly, you’re shocked. you and jake have spoken maybe…three, four times? nothing more than polite smiles and half-greetings on the stairs, the occasional “sorry” if you bump into him going in or out of the laundry room. and when he sat next to you in the lecture last week. but that barely counts.

secondly, you’re mildly irritated. at him, for interrupting your imminent bedrotting—you definitely couldn’t have kept up studying for much longer—and at yourself. because completely unbeknownst to him, and sometimes even to you when you try to deny it that little bit harder, you are a hopeless romantic.

hopeless in the way that if a guy so much as looks your way, your ego immediately believes he’s in love with you. hopeless, in that you honestly believe no-one ever could love you. hopeless, in that you don’t even want to know how many romance tv shows or movies you’ve watched, how many smutty books you’ve read at three in the morning, or how many times you’ve compared your birth chart and MBTI to your favourite celebrities.

thirdly—and you’re grasping at straws here—you think this may be your entrance into romance.

you snap yourself out of your mental whirlwind and attempt to gracefully smile at jake. “what are you doing here?” you ask. though it’s pretty obvious.

jake holds up the bags of popcorn. “uh…movie night?” he doesn’t sound sure that’s what he’s here for. actually, he’s not even sure what possessed him to think of this. but he’s here now—may as well commit to the bit, right?

“i was just studying,” you turn back to your abandoned desk, “or trying to.” you grimace. “it wasn’t working very well, so,” you gesture at him to come in, “be my guest.”

jake steps through the doorway into your room, and he thinks he’s died and gone to heaven. it’s identical to his, but it smells like a mix of your perfume and fresh laundry. a jasmine candle is burning in the corner, casting a warm glow over the room. your bed is neatly made with gingham linen, so unmistakably you that his heart is already beginning to stutter embarrassingly.

“nice place,” he nods approvingly.

you laugh. “jake, it’s exactly the same as your room. i haven’t even changed the layout,” you say. “so, movie night, right? honestly, you’re a lifesaver,” you sigh out, “i was going to bedrot alone, but it’s probably more fun with someone else.”

it’s a testament to jake’s willpower that he doesn’t bust in his pants right there and then like a teenager just from the way you say his name.

“did you pick something already?” you sit down on your bed and pat the space next to you. “come sit, there’s plenty of room.”

okay, you think, you may be coming on a little strong. in reality, you’re so nervous you think you’re about to have anxious diarrhoea.

“yeah, i mean, what genre do you like? i’ve got choices,” jake offers.

“anything is fine—oh!” you peer at the screen. “10 things i hate about you? i love that movie! let’s watch that.” you look at jake, who mentally checked out about thirty seconds ago when his back came into contact with your pillow.

he shakes himself out of his trance. “oh, uh, sure, yeah, sounds good.” he practically pushes the bag of popcorn into your hands in an attempt to distract himself from the way your shampoo smells. which is a little too good for his sanity at the present moment.

you press play on the movie and settle back against the pillow, shifting a little closer to jake without realising it.

twenty minutes in, jake thinks he’s about to lose his mind. he’s not watching, not really. he’s hyper aware of every brush of your thigh against his, of the warmth he can feel radiating off your body. he accidentally looks down and almost drools when he sees the way your shorts ride up every time you move slightly.

he’s so far gone it’s not funny. and he doesn’t even know your major, or name of your childhood pet, or your favourite colour.

little does he know, you’re just as far gone as he is.

the female ovulation is a powerful thing, and you’re pretty sure you just hit the peak. embarrassingly enough, at the ripe age of twenty, you’re still a virgin. not even just that—you’ve never even held hands with a guy. your friends can’t understand why. you’re decently extroverted, go out enough to parties to have the chance to hook up with someone, dress cute daily. but somehow, you’ve already managed to make it through two years of college celibacy, and you don’t see that changing anytime soon.

luckily, you’ll never be one of those girls who can’t get themselves to the end. you inwardly sigh, knowing you’ll have to take care of matters yourself once jake leaves. you’re not obscene about it—maybe once a week, twice if you’re stressed. but it’s necessary, right? no one could blame you for taking things into your own hands, if there wasn’t anyone to help.

you don’t even know jake. this is what your mind keeps screaming at you every five seconds. but when you glance down at his hands, your brain legitimately short circuits as you see them fidgeting. he’s so good looking you kind of want to scream. your traitorous, traitorous heart thinks maybe he might’ve come here because he likes you. but, your mind knows better. this is the pattern you predictably fall into, and you’re too scared to do anything about it anyway.

unfortunately, you believe that jake was probably just bored and needed someone to bother, and that someone happened to be you, out of convenience. nothing more.

by the time the movie ends, neither of you are watching anymore. actually, neither of you have been focusing for quite a while. at least not on the movie.

“can i get your number?” you blurt out as the credits roll. “i mean, this was fun, right? nice not to be alone all the time.”

jake’s heart kicks up again. he cannot believe that his extremely stupid idea to barge in on your peaceful weeknight has turned into something he never dreamed of. your number will be in his phone. “oh, sure,” he says. “here, put yours in.” he hands you his phone and you type your number in, sending him a quick “hi!” so he can save it.

you give him the phone back, standing up from your position on the bed. “we should do this again sometime!” you say, platonically. well, not really, but jake takes the (nervous) lightness in your tone as a very non-flirtatious way of saying “you can bother me again but you’ll never get into my pants.”

he pulls himself together, standing up as well and pulling your door open. “that would be nice,” he mumbles out. nice, jake, nice. he feels his cheeks reddening as you smile at him and nod, waving him goodbye.

you sigh and flop down on your bed as he leaves. you can still feel him in your room, the scent of his laundry detergent and something a little muskier underneath. you can still feel his warmth on your pillow.

you’re so, so gone for this man. but you shake yourself. friendship first, you think.

from then on, jake becomes a permanent feature in your life. turns out his best friend, heeseung, went to high school with one of your close friends. you were made aware of this information over coffee one morning, said friend chaewon practically half out of her chair with second hand excitement at your imminent romance. even if you didn’t know it yet, she had an inkling— “fate,” she called it, that you and jake would eventually cross that (to you) very defined line between friendship and something more interesting.

your friend group goes to shared movie nights with his friends, which inevitably end with you and jake leaving together to walk back to your respective dorm rooms. the administration still hasn’t fixed your room allocation, so you’re stuck next to him for the time being.

not that you mind it much.

it’s on these late-night walks that you find yourself being drawn to jake in a way that far surpasses your little infatuation with his hands. which you still have, by the way, but you’ve deepened your view of him now, thank you very much.

often, you play a silly game like truth or truth, since neither of you are game enough to do a dare, or twenty questions. with both of your tongues loosened by alcohol, you’re both a little bolder, more open with each other.

you learn that he only picked engineering because his parents thought it was the most sustainable thing to do. “i always wanted to be a music producer, you know, writing songs. but in this economy,” he shrugs, i didn’t exactly have a choice.”

you hum in sympathy. “have you written anything?” you’re genuinely interested. you’ve always loved music, both listening to it and making it, having played piano a little as a child.

he nods, but doesn’t offer anything. you’ve learnt that jake is a very private person, too. you don’t mind, though—you are too.

this is part of what he likes so much about you.

he learns that you’re scared of loneliness, failure and thunderstorms. your major is psychology, but you tend to know other people better than you know yourself.

you reveal, with great difficulty, that you can’t easily talk about your feelings. “i’m usually one to just bottle it up and try to move on,” you slur slightly one night. “why do you feel so easy to talk to?” you look up at him, blinking slowly.

he sighs. “i think we’re more similar than we look,” he says. “maybe we don’t need to say anything to understand each other.”

along with the movie nights, your friends go to clubs, where you and jake both awkwardly gawk at each other as unnoticeably as possible. the sight of your slight cleavage (which took a very good push-up bra to achieve) makes his mouth go dry. the sight of his forearms when he has his sleeves rolled up genuinely gives you goosebumps.

and neither of you have any inkling of what the other is feeling.

you meet up outside of your friend groups, too. it’s a natural shift, something that simply comes with spending enough time with each other that it feels like something normal and irreplaceable. most weeknights, you’re sprawled on his bed, scrolling mindlessly through tiktok, while he games with his friends. or he’s building lego on your floor while you attempt to study. usually, though, it ends up with him joining your scrolling session or you giving up entirely on your study, helping him with lego instead. you have a little collection, now, of lego flowers he bought, a car, and he has the tardis from doctor who on a shelf in his room.

one night, you’re on his bed, trying to finish watching a lecture you missed the other week, when your eyes begin to droop.

“jake,” you say, trying to get his attention, “don’t let me fall asleep. i really have to finish this…” you trail off as you notice how absorbed he is in his game. “jake!’ you kick his chair.

“what?” he tugs his headset down. “bro, just sleep, it’s so late. i’ll be off in five anyway.”

you fall asleep on his bed for the first time that night. when jake ends the call with his friends, he sees you curled up, your back to him. it’s around one in the morning. he doesn’t know the code to your room—or maybe he does, and his brain is just conveniently forgetting it in this moment. scrubbing a hand over his face, he goes to brush his teeth and wash his face.

when he comes back, you’ve moved. your whole body is now under his blankets, taking up the entire bed. he considers waking you up, but he’s had the displeasure of interacting with you in the morning before a nine o’clock lecture, and he doesn’t want to experience that. preferably ever again.

jake sighs. you’re just friends. friends can sleep in the same bed, right? he knows you don’t feel the same. it’s completely platonic, whatever is going on between the two of you, so he puts his reservations aside (not that there were many, he’s just trying to be respectful) and climbs in next to you.

two hours later, jake can’t sleep. you’ve slung your arm around his chest and you’ve got your head buried in the crook of his neck, fast asleep. he recalls seeing a few too many pillows on your bed and realises you’re probably used to hugging something in your sleep. but why did it have to be him? you’re so warm, he can smell your shampoo as your hair tickles his nose, and the soft rise and fall of your chest against his is making him embarrassingly hard.

one sheep, two sheep, he counts, focusing hard. he tries to celebrate the fact that he has you in his bed! although for all the wrong reasons.

eventually. he drifts off, arms coming up unconsciously to hug you back.

you wake up first, as usual. on sleepovers as a kid, you’d always lie awake for hours before your friends got up. you’re a very picky sleeper. you can’t nap, can’t even fall asleep on a car or a plane. you have to be in your own bed, alone, in complete darkness.

so how on earth, you think, did you manage to fall asleep on jake sim’s bed? he’s still asleep, evenly breathing. and so, so pretty in the morning light. heat rushes to your face as you register how close the two of you are. your legs are tangled, your arms are around each other’s waists, and you’re lying on his shoulder. having drooled onto his collarbone slightly.

you have never been this close to a guy in your life. and it scares you how safe you must’ve felt in his presence to sleep so well.

a few minutes later, jake’s eyes crack open a little bit. you abruptly tear your gaze away from his face, but he’s awake, and he feels your heart pick up against his side. “hi,” he says, voice rough from sleep.

you clear your throat. “hi,” you say back, looking up at him. “sorry, i did not mean to fall asleep here. you should’ve woken me up!”

jake laughs and extricates himself from your hold. “nah, i didn’t think it was worth how angry you’d be if i did. plus, we were pretty comfy, weren’t we?” he sounds smooth, but his heart is hammering. he thinks he might have to put this at the top of his list of ‘best experiences’ so far.

he swings his legs over the side of the bed. “you want breakfast? i have…” he goes to the cupboard, “cocoa pops and cornflakes.” he holds then up proudly.

“cocoa pops please!” you say as your bladder makes itself known. “i gotta pee though, be right back.” you head to the bathroom, heart pounding almost as fast as jake’s.

when you come back, he’s got two bowls of cocoa pops sitting on his desk. the curtains are open, and the sun is hitting his face at an angle that makes him look like he came straight out of a disney movie. you’re suddenly aware of how unkempt you must look. your hair is messy, there’s definitely dried sleep in your eyes, and your breath definitely smells like a sewer. but you sit down on his bed anyway.

“you’ve got a free day today, right?” jake asks as you shovel cereal into your mouth.

“yeah, nothing on today,” you shrug. “why?”

jake looks momentarily startled, like he didn’t expect you to say that. “oh, it’s just, there’s the campus football game today, and i was wondering if you wanted to come? i mean, you don’t have to, you’ve probably got stuff to do, but i just thought—”

“you’re playing, aren’t you?” you cut him off, a growing smile on your face.

“yeah, i—”

“heeseung told me you were in this one! i’ll come, i’ve really got nothing better to do. what time is it at? do you have a spare jersey? i’ll wear it if you want!” you know you sound much too excited for just a soccer game, but you don’t care. you genuinely like jake as a friend, and the secret other option that you’re still denying, so you want to support him.

jake looks extremely shocked. “you’ll…come watch? you’ll wear my jersey?” his voices pitches higher as it rises in incredulity.

“yeah, is that a problem? i mean, it’s not just a romantic thing, right?” you feel your cheeks warming as you almost touch on that forbidden subject that you keep on denying.

“no, i mean, sure, i’ll give it to you now, if you want,” jake gets up and fishes the jersey out of his wardrobe. “it’s decently clean, i think, here,” he says, giving it to you. “the game’s at eleven, do you…want to get lunch after?”

you laugh, a teasing edge making its way into your voice as you say, “wow, breakfast and lunch together? sounds like you can’t get enough of my amazing company, jakey.”

jake’s brain promptly short circuits. jakey? really?

you’re unfazed. “i’m just kidding. it’s fun hanging out with you,” you say, nudging him lightly on the arm. “it’s also already eight am,” you sigh. “i’m going back to my room, so i’ll see you later! thanks for the breakfast, and the bed, and your human pillow services, and—” you stop yourself before you ramble on any more. jake looks faintly amused, which only embarrasses you all the more.

“no problem, pillow princess,” he says before he can stop himself. your face rapidly undergoes about five different facial expressions before it decides to settle on a mixture of surprised and incredulous, lips twitching like you really want to smile but need to control yourself as much as possible.

“okay…? i’m gonna go now, jake. i’ll see you at the game,” you say firmly, reining in your laugh, as you leave his room.

jake wants to punch himself in the face. what on earth possessed him to say that? not only has he just discovered you definitely don’t like him romantically, he just said something filled with so much innuendo he thinks he might cry.

later on that day, you’re stupidly nervous about going to jake’s game. it shouldn’t be a big deal—you’ve been friends for nearly three months, sharing food, memes at two in the morning, deep (ish) conversations, and now a bed.

but you can’t stop overanalysing yourself. you’ve put on jake’s jersey. it hangs slightly too big on you, but not dwarfing you like you think it should. you’re not that much shorter than jake anyway, maybe ten centimetres maximum. though you think he might be lying about his height anyway, which would make it less.

you pick at a loose thread as you stand in front of the mirror. you’d put on some light makeup and styled your bangs, but you feel like a pig in lipstick. in this lighting, it feels like you can see every pore on your nose, every crease in your concealer, every tiny clump of mascara. you sigh, leaning forward to clean up the edges of your lip gloss.

it’s stupid, and very irritating, how insecure you’ve always been. it’s not like you really had too much to be insecure about according to society’s standards. but, you see what feels like hundreds of things to nitpick anyway. your hair reacts badly to humidity, gets oily too quickly.

your teeth aren’t quite white enough for your liking, your tits are too small, you get a million ingrown hairs every time you try to shave. the skin tone in your underarms is so uneven you try to avoid lifting your arms up at all. you feel like you’re both too skinny and too chubby at the same time, not curvy in the right places.

sometimes you think you analyse your face so much you don’t even know what you look like anymore.

you tug at jake’s jersey one more time, trying to make it sit a little better. it doesn’t work. with a final check in the mirror, you head out of your room down to the football field.

the football field is thrumming already. loud music plays from an unseen speaker. you search for chaewon in the crowd—she’s here to watch heeseung, of course. you spot her and walk over.

“chaewon!” you say, greeting her. “i have so much to tell you, oh my goodness. you’ll never believe what ha—”

“did you fuck?” she asks, to the point.

“what—no?” you exclaim in disbelief. “i—chaewon, if that had happened, i would’ve facetimed you straight after to give you the details. no, i just fell asleep in jake’s bed.”

chaewon looks unimpressed. “and now you’re wearing his jersey. to his soccer game. that’s fucking-adjacent,” she shrugs. “do tell me when you both stop denying what’s right in front of you.”

it’s your turn to look unimpressed. “chae, we’re just friends. yes, he’s attractive, but we both know i fall too fast. i’m trying very hard to not let that happen this time.” you turn your eyes back to the field.

the players jog out, the whistle blows. it’s a blur of footwork and yelling to you. you’ve never been too interested in sports, you watch the olympics when they’re on, but that’s about it. but now you’ve never been so fascinated in your life.

jake moves with an ease that you’ve never seen before. with you, he’s comfortable, but there always seems to be a slight restraint, hesitance about him.

here, he’s in control. he moves fast, passing the ball to others, knowing when to keep it to himself. he’s a good team player, you think.

you watch him ease the ball down the field, getting closer to the goal. the cheers from the crowd intensify, and you feel yourself hover slightly out of your seat, fists clenched in anticipation.

he scores. the audience goes wild. his teammates jump on him, hugging him, ruffling his hair. but then he breaks apart from them.

and finds you in the crowd. you meet his eyes, giving him a big thumbs up and grinning from ear to ear. “go jakey!” he sees you mouthing.

contrary to what you think of yourself, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen a prettier sight.

to him, the flyaways and frizz in your hair only make you look better. your eyes are so bright, curving into crescents as you smile. unlike you, he’s not thinking about the shade of your teeth, or the bump in your nose, or the way your ears stick out a little bit from your head.

to him, you’re dazzling. you look so genuinely happy for him, it’s like time has stopped. he doesn’t even care if he never scores another goal, if he gets to witness this moment over and over again.

disregarding his teammates, he pushes his way into the fourth row, where you’re sitting with chaewon.

“hey,” he pants. “do you have any water?”

“do you have any water?” you mock in a fake-nonchalant tone. “jake, you were amazing! i saw you score, oh my god, i had no idea you could play like that!” you hand him your water bottle. “here, you look like you need it,” you say, raising an eyebrow.

in truth, he looks disgustingly good right now. you didn’t think that he could look any better than he already did, but turns out sweat just adds something. your thighs clench together involuntarily as he takes a long swig from your water bottle, exposing every movement of his adam’s apple as he tilts his head back.

chaewon nudges you. “girl, stop staring. you’re practically drooling,” she whispers.

you shake yourself out of your stupor. “so, lunch, right? you have to clean up first, though, right…” you trail off, your mind having conjured up a very unhelpful image of jake in the shower.

“uh, yeah, just give me ten. meet at the front? i know a place we can go to.” jake hands you back your water bottle and walks over to his teammates, who are already heading to the locker room.

you are so down bad for this man you think you might actually lose the plot.

and jake thinks he might be one glimpse of your thighs away from a brain aneurysm.