letters don't talk

Yixing is pretty open about his sexuality, and he’s never been one for labels. If he finds someone attractive, he goes for it - regardless of gender. And the guy who is currently eyeing him like he’s some sort of delectable candy is certainly attractive. The way that he’s so nervous, pretending that he’s not staring, is definitely cute. 

With a raised arm, Yixing flags down the bartender. He orders a beer from the tattooed girl behind the counter, and she slaps it down without much chit chat. Then, grasping the chill glass bottle in his hand, Yixing vacates his seat in order to move further along the bar, slipping into the unoccupied seat beside his would-be stalker. 

all of this throws jongdae into an internal dilemma, because he knows the other is wearing that expression because of him, because he caught him staring. a part of him is flattered at the cuties gesture, at him acknowledging him, but another part of him is urging him to leave, to run away into safety.

and his entire body starts screaming at him ‘code red code red’, when the cute guy actually starts to get up, when he moves over to the stool right beside him. jongdae doesn’t move an inch, though, he watches him doing so instead, still not able to look away from him.

the dazzling smile the guy, yixing, shows him, makes jongdae dizzy for a couple of seconds and he can feel his face heat up again; he has an accent.

baekhyun knew what came with his job; to please a rather wide audience required for him to do exciting new things every so often, and although everyone loved his collabs with close friends, sometimes he had to spice it up a little - even making him go as far as travel all the way back to london for a collab with another youtuber there. of course, baekhyun wasn’t exactly complaining; he loved traveling, loved his job and he knew a lot of people would give a lot to have the opportunities he had.

the only problem was that with lack of time plus a heavy timezone difference on their shoulders, it had been difficult to keep in touch with jongdae. he wasn’t sure what it was that suddenly had him feeling so needy and clingy for the taller, his kittenish grin filling baekhyun’s thoughts whenever he caugt himself distracted enough; and yet he couldn’t stop thinking about the boy, about going back home and most importantly, going back to his arms.

and finally the day had come.

baekhyun was so excited he could hardly keep the wide grin off his face as he walked to their meeting place of choice, a nice park nearby jongdae’s house. he expected the boy to be there already, waiting somewhere, and took upon him the task of finding him without warning of his arrival yet. 

it only took him passing by about three kids with their own dogs to see jongdae’s familiar back ahead, one he could easily recognise no matter what. excitement grew too wide in baekhyun’s chest and the shorter took it upon himself to simply sprint towards jongdae, pretty much throwing himself onto his back and honestly almost climbing onto him from the act alone. “guess who’s back, duckface!” he cheered, laughing loudly as he didn’t even care about public image whatsoever, leaning back just so jongdae could properly turn towards him, grin not faltering a bit. “feels like i was gone for months- is my korean even still good?” he laughs, keeping a playful attitude though his eyes remained fixed on jongdae’s features with something akin to adoration to them.

— it always has his heart aching for baekhyun quite terribly.

and this time, baekhyun being away, is especially hard and exhausting; his mind is constantly filled with thoughts about him, with longing for his loud, endearing laughter. so, when he sends him a text after arriving back in korea, asking for them to meet up as soon as possible, jongdae doesn’t even need time to think, ready right away to cancel every single appointment for him, to call in at work as sick just so they can meet up.

which is the reason why jongdae’s, of course, too early on the agreed day, already strolling through the wide patches of grass in the park close to his apartment complex about fifteen minutes early. he’s oddly nervous, not quite sure why his heart is racing so fast inside his chest – faster than usual when he’s meeting up with baek – and his fingers fiddle with the phone he’s holding, checking the time every couple of minutes, checking if the other sent him a text message announcing his arrival.

what he doesn’t expect, though, is said person to literally jump onto his back all of a sudden.

jongdae splutters, letting out a startled gasp as he stumbles forwards, doubling over at the unexpected weight pressing against him. his phone almost slips out of his grasp, but he manages to hold onto it.

but baekhyun’s laugh fills him up instantly, making the fright go away and his lips curl upwards immediately. “baek!”, he happily exclaims and turns around as good as he can in his best friends firm hold, “welcome back.”

he smiles widely— no, beams at him, the weight of how much he missed the other crushing over him, letting the longing well up again, as well as the strong urge to just press baekhyun close to him.

and for a brief moment, he just observes yifan’s face and watches the gentle smile on his lips, that matches with his own even wider growing one.

Jongin ignores his friend’s whines for as long as it takes him to agree with the male, grab his phone and the first flier he sees before going back to the couch. It’s wrinkled enough that anyone would guess that it’s a personal favorite. The call connects quickly and there is a quirky voice on the other side of the line greeting him and ready to take his order. Meanwhile, he can still hear Jongdae whining and complaining about the world and Jongin, very specifically. He is positively ignored for a minute until he is done talking and is simply waiting for a confirmation of his order; that’s when he chuckles at how dramatic Jongdae is (about everything) but mostly about how Jongin ‘bullies’ him.

“I’m sorry, I just forgot – who is the hyung here?” He spats back, nose scrunching slightly as he narrows his eyes. Jongin looks as childish as Jongdae sounds, it’s kind of perfect.

He is still poking Jongdae despite the fact that his phone is now tucked safely in his pocket and he just made sure to order their food without as much as consulting Jongdae about it. The order is simple and they share the same appreciation for the chicken he asked for so he doesn’t see it as a necessary action. Plus, Jongdae is pmsing.

Manly Jongdae throwing a fit is definitely on his list of favorite things. “I’m not horrible, I’m giving you options and it’s the law of fair exchange. I give you something, you give me something of equal value. I get you off the hook for now because you can’t watch horror movies for shit and in exchange, you cook for me because I can’t do that for shit. Fair exchange. No?” He says, tilting his head innocently as his leg is shoved and he almost topples over. Almost. He takes that as a definite ‘no’.  

he continues to loudly whine about this entire situation, though, even when he speaks on the phone, rattling down some order that seems like it’s memorized, like he always asks for the same thing when he calls there.

“you didn’t even ask me what i want to eat”, jongdae complains, although he’s totally fine with what jongin ordered for them, he loves chicken almost as much as he does and the other knows it, but when jongdae gets into this kind of state there’s no turning back anymore; he just keeps on whining and whining and whining.

at least, until he manages to get himself back to acting overly manly – ignoring the fact, that they both know that this word doesn’t describe him very well during movie nights.

puffing his cheeks in a childish like manner, jongdae bites back a comment about the younger behaving the exactly same way, about him being and looking as childish; but that’s probably one of the reasons why they fit together so well, they just both behave like little kids sometimes and they keep teasing each other about it all time and as much as they can, even though the other is no better.

he can’t keep himself from rolling his eyes, though, when jongin keeps rambling.

“what are you even talking about?”, he asks, lifting an eyebrow at him in confusion, because what he’s saying is not making any sense, at all. but the he get’s an idea. “oh my, don’t tell me you’ve rewatched this metal-something anime again”, he says, then, letting jongin lie down in his lap without fighting him.

he’s grumbling, trying to keep his sulking up and to seem displeased at this position, but his hands immediately reach up to the other’s head, fingers gently burying themselves in the dark, soft locks of hair to run through them, instead of reaching for the popcorn that’s sitting on jongin’s stomach now.

(it was also a bit frustrating, especially when baekhyun actually meant to flirt, but that was a whole other story.)

“i’ll find her!” he grins excitedly, quickly disregarding his friend as he walks ahead like he owns the house, starting to search around the place. baekhyun knew jongdae’s house almost as well as he knew his own, so he went straight to all the places he recalled to be mocha’s secret hide-outs, or tiny ones where he thought a cat could possibly hide. his own miniature queen is far too classy to play around like this, so whenever baekhyun got to run after jongdae’s cat at his friend’s house was a really good exercise for the youtuber.

he is a human-sized puppy, after all.

“i found her-!” baekhyun exclaims from what was most likely jongdae’s bedroom, quick steps heard as he ran all the way back into the living room, poor mocha running away from him at full speed ahead. he’s laughing as he stops, flashing jongdae a thumbs up. “she adores me.” he reassures, brief chuckle escaping him afterwards. he was sure she did - if it wasn’t for baekhyun, who else run after her around the house? exactly.

he makes the first step, one of the beer cans that’s sandwiched between his arm and side slipping dangerously low, but he manages to sort of hold it in place with bending his torso in a very weird angle.

staying completely still for a brief moment, jongdae breathes out in relief, but almost drops everything again, when there’s a loud noise coming from the hall.

an amused chuckle slips past his upwards curled lips, when he hears his best friend’s gleeful shouting through the entire apartment, his hurried footsteps clearly audible from the living room. it kind of makes everything more cozy and homey, more domestic – and it makes jongdae wish for the other to be here all the time.

it seems like he’s found mocha, after all.

and rather fast too, this time, but baekhyun already knows all her hiding places by now. the small cat rushes past his feet with a stressed out mewl, trying to get away from the person chasing him and jongdae chuckles another time at the other’s hand gesture. “poor cat”, he says and starts placing all the beverage on the coffee table, “you will scare her away forever if you keep doing this every time you come over.”

he, then, flops down onto the couch as well, right next to baekhyun and, maybe, also a bit too close.

leaning back into the backrest, jongdae literally sinks into the cushions and he silently watches his friend out of the corner of his eyes, trying to give him a dark glance, but the happy grin on his face gives him away instantly.

Except in Jongdae’s case it would be cafes he’d avoid, or even Jihyun herself. That wouldn’t do at all.

Anyway, she shouldn’t think of that. There was another task in front of her, and she looked careful at his body language; how he was breathing, the look in his eyes, and how hard he was gripping her hand. Trembling hands probably also meant trembling legs; he probably wouldn’t be able to move anywhere but it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Thankfully the cafe was a quiet enough place but there were still soft music and distant conversations.

Saying things like ‘you’re not going to die’ or  ‘get a hold of yourself’ didn’t seem very helpful at all, and would maybe even make his condition worse, so her quick wit had to think of other encouraging and positive words for him to focus on instead. She squeezed his hand again to get his attention on her, lowering her head to get him to look at her directly. She wanted to let him know that he wasn’t alone. “You can do it. I know you can. Just count with me.” 

She felt helpless, she hasn’t seen Jongdae like this before. Jihyun was used to helping her brother in similar situations but people deal with stress differently. So she also relied on her training in university, what those patients she aided with the doctor needed help with, or thinking back on what to do in an emergency.

he can also see, though, that she’s worried, it’s written all over jihyun’s face. it’s clearly visible how she’s trying to think of what to do, that she’s trying to somehow get some control over this situation and it feels nice to know that jihyun wants to help him, it really is, but at the same time, jongdae feels bad for pulling her into this in the first place.

jongdae feels bad for making her worry about him.

squeezing his eyes shut again, jongdae swallows thickly around the tight feeling in his throat. he still can’t breathe properly, it’s so hard, and even though he pleads inwardly to just calm down again, it’s no use.  

his eyes flutter open, meeting his friend’s once again. jongdae can feel tears forming at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over and now this is getting ridiculous, he’s not going to cry— no.

“i’m— i’m sorry”, he whispers, his voice still shaking, “i’m really sorry.” this entire situation is just so stupid, the reason how it came to this is so stupid, jongdae is so stupid. “this is probably not how you’ve imagined to spend the day with me”, he laughs humorlessly, gasping between shallow breaths. what if jihyun doesn’t want to meet him again after this? what if this will make their friendship awkward and uncomfortable? she’s a very dear friend to him, one of his closest friends, actually, jongdae doesn’t want things between them to change into something negative just because he couldn’t pull himself together.

he can do it, somehow.

yes, he will try, he will give his best. “just… just breathe together with me?”, jongdae asks her, his other hand slowly coming up to clasp around jihyun’s too, so he’s holding her hand now firmly in both of his. “usually i wait it out… when i can’t do anything else”, he explains, trying another time to draw in a deep breath but failing.

jongdae has some methods besides just waiting until it’s over, like smoking to regulate his breathing again, like ripping tissues and paper and old magazines. sometimes he calls his twinsister, because after all their years together she always knows what to tell him, what to do. sometimes he calls baekhyun, his best friend, never telling him what’s wrong but pleading him to just talk to him.

“i’m not busy. i just got off of work too.” watching what jongdae was doing made his own hands slide into his pockets, not realizing they were cold but since they were standing around it made it more prevalent. his offer made him avert his eyes so he could think of it–just lower, as he stared at one of the buttons on his jacket that weren’t bright eyes watching him or curled lips to get distracted with. “if you haven’t eaten yet, we can look for a restaurant to go to.”

with that said, kyungsoo nods down the street to where they would find the bulk of the restaurants. but if jongdae didn’t feel like eating something too heavy, the cafe street was also nearby depending on his answer. “barbecue, or something more international? or we can go to a cafe.” he turned to him while they were walking, his steps small but quick so they can quickly get out of the cold.

“kangwoo?” a voice said close by.

kyungsoo stopped because of the name and looked at the woman who looked like she was in her young 30s. there wasn’t anyone else in the vicinity who was in the woman’s view. she must be talking to kyungsoo and the recognition in her eyes told that. “han kangwoo. that’s you, isn’t it?” she seemed very intent that this was his name. the only people who knew were… “you worked at bar 123, didn’t you?”

he’s also been curious about kyungsoo right after his best friend introduced them, since he seems so guarded and more like the quiet type. he’s curious what’s behind that exterior.

so, of course, jongdae beams at him happily when the younger agrees to sit down somewhere, when he suggests something. “grabbing a bite to eat sounds really great to me”, jongdae hums and nods eagerly in agreement. it’s not like he’s starving right now, but he’d never turn down the offer to get some delicious food.

jongdae just enjoys eating a lot.

briefly adjusting the strap of his messenger bag on his shoulder, jongdae follows the other down the street, easily keeping up with his quick steps. and he doesn’t even need a second to think about what he’d like to eat, when kyungsoo asks him. “barbecue, barbecue”, he chirps, clapping his hands together excitedly, before stuffing them back into his coat pockets with a laugh. he can’t decide on his own, though, “let’s get barbecue, hm? or would you prefer something else more right now?” although he asks, jongdae’s eyes still dart around to look for the next best place that’s serving what he desires.

because of this, he doesn’t even hear the voice calling out. he notices, though, how the other suddenly halts his steps and jongdae stops walking too, turning to kyungsoo with a confused look on his face.

silently, he watches the woman approaching them with her eyes locked on the younger and his lips press into a tight line.

han kangwoo? bar 123?

jongdae wonders why the lady is calling him with a different name, he wonders where they know each other from, because she looks about ten years older than them, if not more. but he can see that kyungsoo knows her as well, he sees the recognition flickering in his eyes and it makes him even more curious.

jongdae wonders if he should ask him about it, as he looks after the woman who quickly disappears in the crowd of people after their short exchange of words. he turns his attention back to kyungsoo, then, and follows him once again.

“not to pry”, he starts, but it’s a lie, because if his intention is to not pry into the other’s business, he wouldn’t have asked. “but why did she call you han kangwoo?”, he asks, trying to sound nonchalant to mask how curious he actually is.

Lu Han hates it when his favorite spot is taken, though.

He’s currently sitting two tables away from the person who stole his place, glaring at her head like he could make it go on fire, body turned towards her instead of the small table in front of his chair. He’s been at that for a good twenty minutes. It looks like she will leave soon, Lu Han’s mood getting better. Some higher being on the universe decided to play with him a little more when soon someone else appears and joins the spot-thief. Hell, they even order, like, a whole meal when the waitress comes. Lu Han hates them.

He hates them so much he decides to peel his eyes away from the scene, huffing with puffed cheeks. It’s so childish, he knows, but it’s the best spot he’s found in… in… Wait. So, he might be wrong, but his curiosity is bigger than his shame and he’s already read half of the strangers e-mail anyway, so why not read everything, right? It’s not like the guy is trying to hide anything.

Although now Lu Han believes he should. 

Lu Han regrets his decision to read the rest of the letter so much, and he most certainly regrets the loud gasp he lets out, hand instantly coming up to hide his mouth. It’s like he discovered a shady secret and he’s not sure he should even acknowledge it.

He waits for the man to turn around and bad-mouth him, but it never comes. Lu Han goes unnoticed and sighs in relief because the advice columnist he often writes to is sitting so close to him and they could talk! They could become friends and Lu Han doesn’t even know how to start dealing with it, so he simply observes.

He watches intently as the man’s fingers run across the keyboard and he thinks those are some nice fingers he could put to better use, but he doesn’t voice it. Instead, he just keeps watching as the words appear on the screen and soon his chin is almost touching the author’s shoulder.

it seems like what jongdae’s experiencing is not a writer’s block, but a lack of interest in his own story, which is rather sad, because the moment he saw the work-email about baking, his inspiration sparked like a wildfire.

maybe, he should switch to writing baking books or something like that, because that’s at least something he wouldn’t lose his passion for.

currently, jongdae is explaining in his answer, thought, how the lady definitely shouldn’t combine the eggs with the butter like it’s written in her recipe for brownies, because everything will just curdle in the end and saving this mess is almost impossible; at least, if you don’t have that much experience with baking yet and all the recipes the lady attached to the email aren’t that high in difficulty, which shows him that baking isn’t actually her most performed hobby.

but then, jongdae’s mind jumps once again back to the recipe he looked through before the brownie one and he actually didn’t want to look back into it, because everything about it didn’t sound very delicious, not even appetizing. however, jongdae still has to provide her with unnecessary tips on that one in case the housewife decides to try this one against his recommendation to not do it.

humming to himself, as he tries to come up with something positive to say about this weird-ass cake, jongdae actually thinks the voice next to him is inside his head, is jongdae asking himself this question, so he laughs quietly. “i know, right?”, he answers, shaking his head lightly as he continues typing, “it sounds rather disgusting. to be honest, all of these recipes are so horrible i thought that maybe i should actually send her some of my own, because, seriously, this—“, jongdae cuts himself off, though, finally noticing the presence hovering next to him.

he lets out a strangled cry, startled at the stranger so close and right next to him and flinches, jumping in his seat, what causes him to knock the other quite strongly in the chin with his shoulder.

ouch, that must’ve hurt.

“oh my god”, jongdae gasps as the other tumbles backwards. “i’m so sorry, oh my god!”

he cups the other guy’s face, both of his hands squishing his cheeks together as he tilts his head to the side to get a better look at his chin. “i didn’t hurt you, did i?”, jongdae asks, voice sounding a little whiny.

but then jongdae realizes that he’s groping around on a stranger’s face and lets go of him immediately. “god, i’m so sorry”, he repeats, this time, though, for touching him like this.