man of the year.

Yea, I guess. I’ll hook you up with free coffee if we get serious. But how was your day?

Sweet. It could be an open relationship where he gives me coffee on the house too! Hm, not bad actually. Just an ordinary day. I should probably go out and do something fun. What about you?

I don’t know, I mean he was good looking but he looked a little older like 25. And he had tattoos. And he told me he drives a motorcycle. That doesn’t sound like a kidnapper to me.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like a kidnapper to me either. Besides, he works at Starbucks. Those people are kinda cool.

Today the cashier at Starbucks gave me my drink on the house but he told me to promise I’d come back. I’m scared if I go back he’ll try and kidnap me.

Did he look suspicious? Like he was a kidnapper or something?

I think I’ve had my fill in kicking people in the balls this week, so I’ll let you off the hook. But just this once. I can’t let people think I’m going soft, can I? So - oh. Oh. Okay…Well then yeah, I guess it is. Sorry, I guess I’m just kind of in shock that you’d actually want to? I just thought nobody would ever want to…y’know, since everyone looks at me like one of the guys. I just. I’ll shut up now before you change your mind. 

Hey, as best friend, I deserve to be off the hook for the rest of my life. Too bad, you've gone soft enough, so might as well embrace it, Char. Just in this case though. Well I mean... I still think you're one of the guys. It doesn't really change anything, I just- I wanna kiss you because you're Charlie Faye. Like, who wouldn't want to? You know? Oh come on, I don't think I'll change my mind-- Unless you want me to, then I mean, I can't really... force you.

Whoops, maybe it could be my car…

Dude! What the hell? Move it. I'm trying to go out for a burrito.

Or slide it across my car? That’d be really saddening, Arch. I’m smart, I graduated high school with a diploma. 

I might have done that too, but still. I'm just mad that I can't get food. Like, does everyone expect me to take public transportation? Oh yeah, right. That sort of proves something.

Then I get to kick you in the balls until you do? No, I’m totally kidding, I don’t mind either way if you approve in whatever I’m doing. Well, I probably would if it was something crazy. Wait. So…you actually want to kiss me? You’re not just doing it because you want to help me out so I’m not a never-been-kissed eighteen year old? Well I was planning on kissing you back. 

Not what I was going for, so don't try that. Please. Yeah, I'm kidding too. Chances are you already made your decision before even asking me about my opinion. That's kind of what I said, yeah. It's partially because of that, but I mean... I'd be lying if I said that was the only reason why I was going to do it. Alright, I guess that's settled then. You don't have to do anything else.

Oh no of course, yeah. I need your approval on everything to even be able to function throughout the day. Yeah, that was a really shitty way of saying you’re a pretty awesome guy…I’m awful at compliments but that was definitely supposed to be one, I promise you that. I feel like I’m kind of prostituting myself out for some reason with this conversation we’re having. Like what do I have to do in return?

As much as that sounds great, I sure hope it doesn't work that way! What about the times where I disagree? It's okay, Char. I still understand what you were getting at. Wait no, it's not like that. I want to do it. Like, you don't have to do anything return either. Or maybe... just kiss me back?

I’ve come to the decision that I am, indeed,  the male Beyonce of this cul-de-sac. Bow down, bitches. 

Archer Watson bows down to no one, especially not an imposter.

Good to know I have your approval on that matter. And no no, I mean, you can be a complete and total ass like 97 percent of the time but to me you’re not really that bad. I think I’d stick up for you if people said anything like that to me. Yeah, science, yeah no that would be cool. I’d be okay with that. 

Yeah, without my approval, what were you gonna be able to do? Nothing, of course. I'm kidding. Wow, alright. I'm not sure if that was meant to make me feel any better, but for some reason, it kind of did. So thanks. You would? Awesome, think it's a good time to tell you I'd stick for you if anything as well. Cool. I guess, like, we could make that happen. Just... let me know, yeah?