Billyshearz

I'm up thinking about hit mormon tubi original Brady's Ladies. I'm thinking mystically about Rasputin. I see myself in his eyes, a man who smokes weed and fucks bitches. The bitches being local old man farmers and the weed being 19th century tobacco. I'm a spiritual master, an emotional man of impulse. You'll never catch my next move.

*Looking down at myself from outside my body* Nobody loves you nobody loves you nobody loves you nobody loves you nobody loves you nobody loves you nobody loves you nobody loves you nobody loves you

Nothing is anything im stuck writhing in this vacuum-seal cocoon we call the dermis and the epidermis and the rest which is full of beans and,, laffy taffies. Or something. The things they call it all on the twitter. I got banned from there. Im writhing and rolling around and inspecting every new divot ive made and hoping for more and full of adrenaline because one day i'll have done it so bad itll kill me. I tried that last time. No one's gonna stop me. I'l wake my parents up late at night and say "guys, im sorry, please take me to urgent care". They'll put me in a room and give me stitches and ask me questions. It'll never happen. I'll let myself die before i get help but it's all i've ever wanted. To be taken care of. Who will pull me apart and feel sick from all the layers and choose to love me anyways? It's all me. It's all all all me. Please please please. Someone say you love me while im being scary.

I'm suffocating under all the plastic my body is made of. My layers go as follows: plastic hard-shell transparent casing, plaster, paper maché, pink fiberglass for insulation, my only two organs (heart and mind, which is withering). I'm full of polaroids of all of you guys too. Head to toe. It's all photos of you. You reading this. I am you. One day you'll all work together to kill me and pull apart all my layers.

I love how no one cares about me. In millions of universes i kill myself every night and none of you are sorry for me. Let's try again. Again. Again. Again.

I see the way i am deliberately ignored by everyone i was born with flames in my head and they consume me and they spread to my heart and they make me forget things and they kill me slowly and they make me take part in it while i watch everybody else go

I'm alone im always alone they made me to be alone they reincarnated me here to be punished for everything ive ever done and everything i ever will do and the air is contaminated and the world is contaminated and people are dying everyone is dying and that is my fault too

I often fantasize about you all nailing me to a crucifix like jesus but this time i don't come back to life and unlike him i am honest because once i die bad things will stop happening to you because they are all my fault and you don't need my forgiveness you just need me to go and i promise everything will get a little lighter and you will laugh and you will love and things will make sense because the man that was never supposed to be anywhere is gone now

Don't get me wrong it was never a pleasant feeling just something that needed to be done when i was alone for too long and i was often scared it would be the time i died especially last time remember that of course you don't i didn't tell you but i fainted and i turned grey and i felt sick for days and forgot how to cry and talked to no one like when a cat finds a crawlspace to die in to avoid infecting everybody else i saved yu o i have saved you all.

The last time i did it was may 26th and my guitar fell on me and when i pulled it up, out came the chunks of me along all the strings. I didn't clean it for days because i thought my turmoil would seep into the music and i could for once become good at something that counted as an act of creation. What a permanent fool i am

Let's just be all fake and drown in the thick heated air together and laugh and feel sick in the sun. I feel my lungs crackle and percieve how ugly my face is outside myself when i laugh. Will you asphyxiate in the good time with me? Click here to drown

Near Jericho is a place called Sodom and Gomorrah. If you see it, you will know without a doubt that GOD is a GOD of judgment! You can pick up yellow pieces of sulfur, and they burn when you light them. It is the most frightening sight you will ever see.

Im tearing myself out of myself with my painted on bright patterned personalities that are crumbling and fading and the wood im made of splits and gushes blood as i tear to the glowing center. My layers peel and fall around me like a lotus flower im a beautiful lotus flower. & im no longer your friend. I kill bugs with the words i think and write and see things as humans and humans as more humans and myself as a wooden doll inside many other wooden dolls swimming in blood and below them is me made of skin and its peeling like an onion and falling like a lotus as i am a lotus. It glows. I am learning to glow and i will keep dying one thousand times every night until I glow and until my layers drag behind me like limp feathers on a peacock who is unsure of itself.