norepinephrine

let's grab some coffee, do some arcades, talk about anything, help me to study in my incoming anaphy midterm exam, walk around and tell me stories until the moon show up.

mga tanong na nagmula sayo at aking napag-isipan,

papayag ba muli ang tadhana na ipagpatuloy ang paulit ulit nating kwento?

kung umayon man ang tadhana

nawa'y magbago na ang ihip ng hangin

kung aayon man muli ang tadhana

nawa'y piliin na natin ang tama at kung saan tayo liligaya

kung aayon man muli ang tadhana

nawa'y wala ng sakitan at balikan ng nakaraan

magbukas muli tayo ng panibagong libro

kung saan ang simula ay, "maaari ba kitang ligawan?"

may pagkakataon ba na maghahanap kapa ng ibang iirog sayo?

sa pagkakataon na ito muli kong binubuksan ang pintuan

sa kung sino man ang gustong kumatok aking patutuluyin

handa na ko kahit sinong darating na ipagkakaloob Niya

ito lang ang aking dalangin, na sana

siya na yung huli, siya na yung muling magpapanumbalik ng ngiti

na sa wakas maramdaman ko na sa bisig nya ako'y ligtas

na kailanman hindi ko na maramdaman na ako'y mag isa

what happened last nyt was all based on my emotions. u blow me away in your one message:

"lemme share my dream"

& that made me weak, no, even weaker. u made me say those three words again (after for so long months) which im not regretting. im just being pure and honest in that moment.

you still have the guy who i loved. the guy i knew. the guy who knows whenever im having episodes and right, u still have that. u were there but u dont have any idea that ure still the reason of this episode.

last nyt may consider a mistake, bc throughout our convo its just us being toxic & made me think if this is the right time to cut everything off. i badly want to do that long time ago but i thought I'll be good if i just let everything stay as it is; saw u everywhere on social media, pics and vids stay on my drafts, and stuff that reminds me of us. i guess, right now is the time. time to make myself a favor.

honestly, im still hesitating but for my peace of mind, for my mental health, for myself. i know this is the right thing to do.

idk what happened last night bc im lil tipsy then kausap ko yung friend ko about school stuff and she sent me a screenshot showing my nickname on hers. kinda shookt but im fine hahahaha legit na walang sting mare

& I remember our last convo. “unang magpalit ng nickname, fully healed na” am i? really? siguro not fully kasi nga diba healing is messy. but i must say, yeppp yo ghorl ready to welcome hoomans again hahahaha

to end our convo last night, here u go. i definitely and finally had this urge to change it not bc i have vodka in my blood last night hahahaha

sept. twenty five 21

anong naramdaman mo?

i really cant see myself na makakapunta ulit dito after 6 months no, it's been a year na this month; where all my first's happened. it feels so different as i enter their home, the dogs aren't welcoming, even tita parang there's something missing and idk

i honestly don't feel anything while i was there. feeling ko, guest lang ako and i just need to do the favor that jona asked me. akala ko sa labas lang kami magshoshoot, but i didnt expect na sa old room nya pala kami. ✨da memories bring back, memories bring back you ✨

i remained calm & kept myself focus sa goal. I didn't bother to think ✨those memories✨ but when i saw the shoes i gave to him: walang pair, puro alikabok, nasa sulok, pinabayaan. i held back my tears, and acted like i don't see anything

but in that moment, it slightly break my heart. at the end of the day, twas still a good visit; for me to test myself if there's really a progress in my healing season. i must say, yes there is. i cant blame myself to go there na kahit alam kong mali at hindi makakatulong kasi i want for them to know that i still care, and willing to help even there is no reason to do that. they've been part of my life at least half of our relationship. its so hard to say no.

i know to myself that i can't be part of their family again. can't kasi hindi ko na kakayanin kapag nagkataon. okay na ko sa ganito. ✨ best ex-sister in law✨ hahahaha

isang umagang bigla kang nasa aking harapan

ako'y di naniwala hanggang sa ako'y iyo ng hagkan

isang umagang hindi ko inasahan

hindi alam kung anong mararamdaman

muling natapos ang ilang buwang paghihintay

ika'y muling nasa aking harapan

mga mata ko'y di kakayang titigan

yakap, ang tanging sagot para maibsan

nagbabakasaling ang kislap ay kuminang muli

mga salita at damdamin ay magbalik

naghihintay ako araw-araw

i wish i could message you right now and ask you, how are you. yet, i chose not to because it is better this way.

but im sorry

im not falling for that trap again

i still love you though

ngunit kailangan ko ng gumising sa napahabang idlip

isa lang ang panalangin sa muling paggising

sobrang labo

pero alam kong nausad ako

makakarating din sa dulo

at pagdating ko roon,

mababanggit ko ang, "nagawa ko"

ang dating kilig at saya

babalik kami

magpapahinga lang

kahit ubos na ubos ka na

baka hanggang dulo kaya pa

aking naalala ang ginuhit ko noong nakaraang linggo at nakalapis ang mga salitang, “gusto ko ng bulaklak at aso” hindi ako umasa na matutupad agad ang mga ito kaya hinayaan kong magdaan ang araw hanggang sa makalimutan ang tungkol dito

isang tawag ang hindi ko inasahan at narinig na lang sa kabilang linya, “maaari bang dumalaw?” tila ba ako’y naging bato hindi man sigurado ngunit napasambit ako ng oo

para sa pusong gusto ng gumaling —

sa mga salitang hindi mabanggit

sa mga hikbing hindi mapigil

sa isip na gusto ng tumahimik

sa huli, para sayo pa rin

ikaw lang, para sayo lang

mga tulang laman nito, ilan sa mga ito

o halos kalahati nito para sayo

nagtataka ka kung bakit

ewan ko rin, hindi ako aamin

Naging sobrang halaga mo sakin noong dumating ka sa buhay ko. Hindi kita kayang bitawan kailanman. Salamat sa pagiging isa sa mga inspirasyon ko! Itong isang daang tula, halos kalahati nito patungkol sayo, sa atin. Masaya ako na sinimulan ko ito dahil sayo at nagdesisyon na sobra na ang tatlong taon para hindi pa tapusin itong isang daang tula. Sa loob ng mga taon na yon, iba't ibang emosyon pero nangibabaw ang saya kasi nakilala kita.