KITZY

if i had a dime for every time i was sexually assaulted this year, i'd have two dimes. which isn't a lot, but it upsets me that i have the fucking coins at all.

i'm a naturally flirtatious person. i play-flirt with people when they let me know it's okay + it's already been established that nothing is going to happen past the flirting. except it seems everyone i know has the same idea but took it a step further and actually followed through on the jokes they've made.

in a consensual context, my ass has been slapped by people i know and trust. my boobs have been groped and squeezed by people i know and trust. why were people doing this? i haven't a clue. why did i let them? i was mad fucking bored and comfortable enough with the people. maybe i did it because i've received so many comments on my body this specific school year?

i made the switch from 3 years of all-girls to co-ed and i must say, all-girls was infinitely better! i feel like every week i got a comment on my body. they were positive, thank goodness, but that doesn't really change that it was wrong. could you imagine how every week someone tells you your ass is fat or your tits are huge. literally one of those over and over and over again. i feel as if my sophomore year was just me being thrust into the world of blatant objectification. and with that came some crazy fucking jokes, especially from the few male acquaintances i made.

i posted an instagram story in April about sexual assault awareness month. got a few hearts on it, but the one thing that really stood out to me was my male acquaintance joking that he would sexually assault me. that truly knocked me off kilter. i feel dizzy even thinking about it!! why would someone make that kind of joke? and he played it off the next day as if it was funny and we could go back to being friends. that same day, my ex touched my breast without my consent. why would someone do that? just reach out and swipe a finger down it like it doesn't mean anything? april was a difficult month.

and then came may. the month where i met a current male friend who kind of doesn't need to be current. i say FWB is not for the weak because throughout this arrangement with him i really have to remain kind of on guard. at first we were just regular friends, and he leaned into my flirtatious nature. to me that was fine, because it's well established that i'm a lesbian! i physically cannot become attracted to men! one day he asked for a moaning audio. i thought it was a joke, so i safely complied and thought nothing of it. i'm confident in my sexuality and i guess in sex (he told me one time that i frightened him) so i wasn't very worried. but then the jokes started ramping up and i realize now that the month of jokes were not jokes. he asked if he could touch me one day. everyone already has, i thought, so i said yes on one condition: don't touch my ass.

so imagine my surprise when i feel his hand move from my thigh to my hip and down to my ass. imagine my shock when i stand up for something, and sit down only to feel his hand strike my ass before the chair can.

it keeps me up at night a lot. kit, you look so hot. you look sexy, kit. can i see your boobs again? please show me your boobs again. do you have any pictures of you? i asked him the other day if he's always felt this way about me. if my boobs and butt have always had his attention. his answer was yes. he's had me in mind when masturbating, he truly did always want to touch my boobs like he said. i figured he meant in a time span of a few hours, but no. it wasn't a thought that just came in the moment. he has always wanted to do that. since we were friends he always wanted to. which then makes me think about all the other interactions i've had. a lot of people want or have wanted to touch me. a lot of those people actually have. luckily a vast majority of those instances were consensual, but now i'm really thinking. i don't see people and think about touching or groping them. why do people approach me with sexual intentions? why have i let them?