Hexing Men & Flexing In The Gym

I’m trying like hell to adjust my attitude before we fly to Florida tomorrow and I’m having a heck of a time. My MIL called a few days ago and said the kids want to do mini golf/go carts/arcade stuff on Saturday and his brother chimed in that he wants to take all the kids to an alligator park. My husband said cool, let us know where you’re done and we can link up. Then proceeded to get guilted that we don’t want to spend time with the kids and family. My husband finally admitted this trip was a big mistake for us. Almost 3k for a two day trip that is purely intended for his parents to spend time with all their grandkids. He promised me we wouldn’t do a trip like this again. I said all I want is to get a buzz at an oyster bar and burn on the beach. I want one single DAY to rest before I come home Sunday and my faith that, that’s going to happen is quickly vanishing. His brother already tried to hijack our lunch plans tomorrow to take the kids somewhere and thankfully my husband put his foot down and said no, this is our plan, you can come if you want. We didn’t have kids y’all, why are we being made to feel obligated to spend time with yours when we have seen y’all seven times in the last three weeks!? I know this is a “family” trip but I’m over spending this kind of cash and getting ZERO choice in how we allocate our time.

Very thankful I had a facial planned for today because work has been some fuckery. It’s only Tuesday.

We watched Dutton Ranch last night. I need a week to emotionally recover.

How is it about to be June?! I swear this year has been one giant busy blur. We fly to Florida next week but I’ll only be there two days. My in-laws got a house in Destin near the beach so there will be 13 of us and five kids in one house…nothing about this is going to be relaxing and I honestly think its an outrageous amount of money to spend for such a short trip but if I can have five minutes of alone time on the beach to actual touch water I won’t complain…too much. But my husband is immediately flying to Charlotte for a week for work so what did he do? Fly my mom in for the entire week he’s gone so she can visit. And I love my family and my in-laws I really do. But this is A LOT of socializing for my very small social battery and I still have to work while she’s here. We’re planning to go do dinner and a movie one night but outside of that, I feel so overwhelmed trying to host and entertain while working from home. All of that to say I’m stressed. Like a lot. But I’m trying to focus on the end of June because my husband surprised me and booked a little cabin outside of town during the upcoming taxidermy convention. He’s joining me for a few seminars and to chat with venders then we’re going to check out a few wineries. June isn’t even here yet and I feel like I need Lexapro and a nap.

Did I have a mini crash out this week? Sure. I always have some big feels after a sister’s trip and this one just hit harder. Coming back from our cute little cabin, seeing deer every morning, waking up slow and going to bed when we wanted. I miss having the ranch, I miss our property, our peace. I ended up crying to my husband that I don’t like this life. I mean I do. I love the life we share and have cried bled and sweat for. But this isn’t the life I ever imagined, stuck in a thankless corporate job in a massive city where I have one friend to speak of that I see a few times a month which has been such a blessing. I don’t have family, a tribe, a community here. My circle is small, secluded, and sometimes it feels lonely in a place this fucking congested. I told my husband I want to steward land, I want to improve it, protect it, to build something that will be better for those who come after us. We’re still three months away from even making an offer on anything. But even then I know he wants that to largely be a recreational property not our long term goal, not our forever home. And he said he wants us to work towards that eventually. I don’t think I believe him because he loves his family, his friends, his community, the city life. He’s always had his people here while I have not. I’ve always been able to pick up and move my life overnight. I’ve never been tied down anywhere. Tied to my husband yes, but tied to a place? I could leave tomorrow and feel no sorrow only excitement. I just know the life I’m chasing doesn’t always align with his vision and that’s hard. But I don’t want to live in a 500k house in the fucking suburbs surrounded by people in 90k+ cars where you can’t even see a sunrise because of the skyline. But that life feels so far away.

Will I pay $50 for a pedicure? Always. Will I pay $90 for a freaking manicure with nail tips? Never. Got my first pedicure of the year and my feet feel like a baby seal! Went home and did my $10 press on nails and now I’m ready for a long sister’s weekend in Fredericksburg! T-minus 14 hours!

Finally cleared to start working out tomorrow! That was a long week of not being allowed to do anything but my coach said I’m in the clear to resume normal activities as long as my calf doesn’t act up. I’m finally seeing progress again and have dropped 10lbs since March. My goal is to hopefully cut another 15lbs so I can focus on muscle growth and toning. I swear growing muscle has been a million times easier for my body than cutting weight. Cutting feels like it takes the will of Thor and then some.

Called off work for a funeral today, (my husband’s great aunt passed suddenly so no one we were super close too). But it was one of THE most uncomfortable services I’ve ever been to. My girlfriend said it best, it was more of a church sermon than a memorial. The number of times the pastor asked “do you know god? Have you repented? If not, you’re going to hell and you’ll never ever see any of your loved ones ever again.” Directly into holding hands to sing hymns then immediately back into how the rapture is upon us, end of the world shit, and god could be coming today so prepare. Oh, don’t forget the toxicity around grief and how they repeated multiple times that you can’t be sad. Not that you shouldn’t be sad. That you CAN’T be sad because she’s in a better place and she’d be disappointed to see anyone crying/upset. Grief is so complex and multilayered that is already accompanied by a lot of guilt. So that was hard for me to sit through but that was the entire funeral for an hour and a half. I told my husband when i die absolutely no churches, no graveyards, no bullshit service or he’ll never know a moment of peace again. I’ll haunt his ass from this life and into the next. Fuck. That.

The level of NOPE today is high. My boss is in Mexico through the end of the week so I have a handful of meetings and really no outstanding tasks. Since my team has already hit our goals and MBO’s for the year (it’s only fucking May!) the rest of my “can does” feel like pointless busy work. I also somehow strained my calf muscle doing nothing? Spoke with my coach and she thought I tore my hamstring at first. But apparently there’s no amount of stretching or foam rolling I can do at this point and just have to wait it out. Bless my sister for the menthol KT Tape recommendation though because I’m on day three of this and I’m very much over it. ✌🏻