I have to say my peace and move on. There’s a lot of hard pillows to swallow but only select few that make you feel like choking. This is one of those stories.. unfortunately, this story is one that took a turn for the worse. This is a story of Love & Pain. Love that will never fade. Love that can never be. Pain that will remain. However, things happen so that you can be better and move forward.
About two years ago, I came across a Love I had never known. One that is genuinely and consistently patient, kind, loving, and forgiving. One that wasn’t contingent on what you had, who you are, or what you look like. One that sweeps you off your feet. Anyways, back to my story.
I was a few months post graduation from high school. My life was falling apart. My parents were divorcing and I was losing the only stability up till that point that I knew. I was working at a fast food restaurant making minimum wage but working enough to put gas in my car while starting College. Then, a better opportunity and a raise, took me closer to home working at a grocery store. Little did I know, that grocery store would lead me to one of the most important people I have ever met in my life. For story purposes, his name will be Aura. Aura came into my life when I was putting pieces back together. I was hurting and healing. He came into my life just meeting me, the best version of himself. He showed me what a true friend was. Eventually, after 5-6 years of a friendship deeper than an ocean.. feelings evolved. A relationship was immediately born. Unfortunately, the time was not right. I was in no way, shape, or form ready for everything he was prepared to give me. Love, support, friendship, happiness, comfort, peace.. Anything you can imagine wanting in a significant other. My self destruction was our demise. I got into a commitment with a man who was ready to give me the world and I was the reason it all fell. It took me two years to realize all my mistakes. The first one was leaving. Not facing him and telling him all my fears. How scared I was to be loved the right way after all my trauma. Feeling not good enough. Feeling like it would never work. Allowing those emotions to overtake me, led me to making choice to not only hurting him but leaving him. We didn’t speak for almost two years. It took me two years to face all my choices and what happened between us that I desperately wanted to forget. I suppressed, avoided, and pretended for so long until it all came crashing down. Your voice, touch, name, and thoughts of what could’ve been.. destroyed me. I don’t know how I will ever forgive myself or completely let you go out of my heart or mind. I am left to live with all the choices and damage I’ve caused. This is my consequence, losing you.
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