Her Sleeping Heart

!!please credit/tag me!!

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit, c’mere.”

“Someone get the medic. Get the medic!”

“Hey, hey, shhhh. Shhhh. You’re okay.”

“You did so good. Don’t worry, you-you did so good.”

“Here, lean on me. I can carry you.”

“We’re gonna fix you up, brand new. I promise.”

“No. No, stop. Stop talking like that. You’re gonna be fine.”

“Okay. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do—fuck.”

“I know, I know it hurts.”

"I don't care. I'm not leaving you."

“I’m going to lift you up, okay? Tell me if it hurts.”

“Where are they? Where are they?!”

"I would believe that you're fine, but you have a goddamn knife sticking out of your leg, so."

"You just watched them die."

"This is going to hurt, okay?"

"God, I'm so sorry, it'll be over soon, I promise."

"How many fingers am I holding up? ... I don't have six fingers."

"Stop. No. Wake up. Wake up! I said wake up!"

"I came as soon as I heard."

“Get away! You’re hurting them!”

“Please be okay. Please be okay, please be okay—”

“Shit. Shit, that’s a lot of blood.”

“You dumbass. Don’t do that. Ever again.”

"Help them! Please!"

"You scared us all back there. I... Including me."

"[name]? [name], this isn't funny. Stop... please..."

"Breathe... breathe. Look at the stars, kid."

"It was supposed to be me... please, no, [name], please..."

"Tell me where it hurts, and be specific."

“You’ll be fine.” *silence* “You’ll be fine. Hey! Wake up! Please. Please wake up…”

Welcome

*Pinned Post* 

Requests are open! Please ask me anything/request anything

About for likes, dislikes, and my background I guess

DNI

Ao3 (some of these started here and were masquerading as general whump)

This was suggested I do this and after popular demand (and peer pressure from my beta) here it is. Buy me a tea if you like. Or you know, don’t. (I am conflicted about this)

Series:

Eyes–status complete. 8 parts. TW: kidnapping, self-sacrifice, coma?, blood, weapons, honestly this is magical shit so i have no idea how to tag it

Roadtrip–status complete. 12 parts. TW: kidnapping, restraints, drugging, sexual assault, rape, non-con, stabbing, blood, hospital, dehumanization, gagging, creepy/intimate whumper, escape attempts (I hope I got all the tags).

Hiss–status complete. 10 parts. TW: kidnapping, restraints, pet whump, biting, blood, head injury, muzzling, gag, noncon, sexual assault, nsfw, choking, hospital, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort, rescue, defiant whumpee. Now on Ao3

Annoyed–status complete. 6 parts. TW: captivity, torture, whipping, blood, creepy/intimate whumper, sexual assault, noncon, videotaping, rescue

Fit–status complete. 5 parts. TW: kidnapping, captivity, restraints, muzzle, noncon, sexual assault, physical assault, drowning, collapse, broken bones, implied hurt/comfort/hurt/aftermath/hurt/recovery

Nothing–status complete. 7 parts. TW: emotional manipulation, noncon, dissociation, physical violence, broken bones, bruises, choking, suffocation, emotional whump, caretaker and whumpee

See–status complete. 5 parts. TW: captivity, restraints, torture, blood, rescue, hospital, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

Where–status complete. 4 parts. TW: blood, torture, captivity, emotional whump, hospital, unclear character status at the end

Mutual–status complete. 7 parts. TW: kidnapping, captivity, restraints, whipping, blood, knives, beating, bruises, wounds, suffocation, choking, rescue, explosion, self-sacrifice, video tapes, emotional whump

Prepared –status complete. 3 parts. TW: mcd, blood, emotional whump

Know–status complete. 6 parts. TW: blood, kidnapping, torture, restraints, two whumpers, rescue, hospital

The Gift–status complete. 7 parts. TW: captivity, torture, physical violence, blood, noncon, buried alive, two whumpers, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hospital

Febuwhump–2022–status complete. 29 short writings on various prompts with various tw.; 2023–status complete. 28 short writings on various prompts with various tw. 

Alive–status complete. 5 parts. TW: torture, captivity, restraints, water torture, electrocution, hospital, emotional whump, self sacrifice, hurt/comfort, hurt/recovery, hurt/aftermath, rescue

Choose–status complete. 10 parts. TW: captivity, torture, restraints, forced to watch, drowning, electrocution, noncon, escape, hospital, self sacrifice, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

Dinner–status complete. 10 parts. (Alternative ending available). TW: captivity, torture, knives, blood, wounds, self sacrifice, noncon, suffocation, stabbing, blood loss, physical violence, forced to watch, mcd. (Alternative ending does not have mcd, TW: hospital, hurt/comfort, hurt/recovery, hurt/aftermath). 

How–status complete. 6 parts. TW: captivity, torture, restraints, whipping, blood, wounds, botched escape, actual escape, two whumpers

Take–status complete. 5 parts. TW: captivity, torture, rescue, scars, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt recovery. 

Dearest Forsaken–status complete. 10 parts. TW: captivity, torture, restraints, blood, wounds, gore, knives, physical violence, electrocution, drowning, choking, white torture, sensory deprivation, rescue, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

Late–status complete. 2 parts. TW: drowning, kidnapping, cpr; rescue,

Dramatic–status complete. 4 parts. TW: hostage situation, self sacrifice, guns, gunfire, gunshot, blood, mcd

Choke–status complete. 5 parts. TW: captivity, choking, strangulation, drowning, passive suicidal ideation, temporary character death, cpr, rescue, hospital, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

Rescue–status complete. 5 parts. TW: captivity, failed rescue attempt, torture, blood, wounds, sickness, rescue, hospital

Pushed–status complete. 6 parts (Alternate ending available). TW: head injury, hospital, kidnapping, torture, drugging, noncon, choking, suffocation, mcd, cpr, rescue attempt, emotional whump, hurt no comfort, creepy/intimate whumper. (Alternate ending does not have mcd).  (now on Ao3)

Man’s Heart– status complete. 4 parts. TW: blood, blade, wounds, temporary character death, mcd

Bloody Valentine–status complete. 6 parts. TW: mcd, blood, gore, wounds, kidnapping, physical violence, hospital, yandere whumper

Hunger–status complete. 2 parts. TW: captivity, torture, starvation, cruel whumper, fawning, feigned fawning

Ice–status complete. 3 parts. TW: captivity, escape/rescue, drowning, hypothermia, cpr, mcd

Secrets–status complete. 5 parts. TW: kidnapping, restraints, blood, torture, forced to watch, rescue

Cash–status complete. 4 parts. Afterword now included. TW: pet whump, sexual assault, noncon, physical violence, choking, bruises

Want–status complete. 5 parts. TW: captivity, restraints, kidnapping, yandere whumper, physical violence, drugging, sexual assault, noncon, rescue (x2), MCD, knives

Anniversary–status complete. 9 parts. TW: pet whump, captivity, physical violence, noncon, blood, whipping, restraints, caretaker and whumpee

Good Times, Bad Times–status complete. 6 parts. TW: captivity, restraints, torture, noncon, two whumpers, sadistic whumper, creepy/intimate whumper, rescue

52 Weeks–status complete. 8 parts. TW: captivity, restraints, torture, blood, wounds, video tapes, rescue. 

In Plain Sight–status complete. 5 parts. TW: captivity, torture, blood, wounds, burns, restraints, medical care, hospital, caretaker and whumpee

Not of This World–status complete. 10 parts. TW: kidnapping, captivity, blood, murder, death (not mcd), noncon, aliens

Say It–status complete. 5 parts. TW: captivity, restraints, knives, blood, wounds, unconsciousness, emotional whump, escape, hospital, hurt/recovery, hurt/aftermath, hurt/comfort, caretaker and whumpee. 

Morning –status complete. 5 parts. TW: referenced captivity, referenced torture, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

Reaper at the Gate–status complete. 7 parts. TW: restraints, blood, torture, captivity, botched escape attempt, physical violence, electrocution, drowning, illness, fever, rescue, caretaker and whumpee, unclear character status. 

Cicus, Circus–status complete. 6 parts. TW: captivity, restraints, darts, knives, blood, wounds, stabbing, forced to watch, rescue, hospital, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery. now on Ao3 

Bright Eyes –status complete. 5 parts. TW: captivity, restraint, torture, knife, noncon, sexual assault, blood, wounds, hospital, rescue, hurt/comfort. now on Ao3

The Sea Inside–status complete. 9 parts. TW: blood, wounds, stabbing, potential drowning, captivity, torture, cruel whumper, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee (mostly comfort tbh)

Legends Rise–status complete. 8 parts. TW: public humiliation, whipping, torture, restraints, blood, stabbing, knives, unconsciousness, defiant whumpee, threat of death. 

Song of the Siren–status complete. 6 parts. TW: yandere whumper, captivity, magic, soul sucking, manipulation, drowning, implied mcd. 

My Darling–status complete. 6 parts. TW: drugging, captivity, restraints, noncon, escape, yandere villain

Awake–status complete. 6 parts. TW: head injury, drugging, broken bones, noncon, yandere whumper, unclear character status. 

Come On–status complete. 5 parts (including epilogue). TW: captivity, blood, wounds, infection, bandages, drowning, knives, stabbing, mcd, grief, mourning, hurt/no comfort, caretaker and whumpee. 

Every Breath–status complete. 5 parts. TW: referenced torture, referenced captivity, sick fic, medical whump, yandere whumper, drugging, creepy/intimate whumper, unclear character status. 

Professional–status complete. 4 parts. TW: attempted murder, blood, stabbing, wounds, mcd. 

Crooked Halos–status complete. 6 parts. TW: blood, wounds, threat of death, secret relationships, mcd. 

Round and Round–status complete. 6 parts. TW: blood, arrows, wounds, caretaker and whumpee

Drink–status complete. 6 parts. TW: blood, head injury, electrocution, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee. 

Royal Pain–status complete. 6 parts. TW: torture, restraints, bruises, blood, wounds, emotional whump, cruel whumper, self sacrifice, mcd, caretaker and whumpee, hurt/no comfort. 

Hidden Figures–status complete. 5 parts. TW: pet whump, bruises, collar, broken bones, unconsciousness, choking, strangling, physical violence, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

Go Now–status complete. 5 parts. TW: blood, threat of death. 

This Means War–status complete. 8 parts. TW: kidnapping, torture, choking, strangulation, restraints, unconsciousness, rescue, caretaker and whumpee, hospital, unclear character status (multiple)

Secret Agent Man–status complete. 7 parts. TW: captivity, torture, restraints, broken bones, bruises, wounds, injury, blood, knives, hospital, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, rescue, caretaker and whumpee, two whumpers

Kingdom Collapse (on Ao3 as well)–status complete. 9 parts. TW: explosions, kidnapping, presumed dead, broken bones, wounds, unconsciousness, dislocation, torture, noncon, escape, drowning, cpr, hospital, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

Crashing Waves –status complete. 11 parts. TW: restraints, halluinations, buried alive, kidnapping, drowning, cpr, hospital, pulmonary embolism, blood, stab wounds, impaling, caretaker and whumpee, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery. (on Ao3 as well)

On a Limb–status complete. 3 parts. TW: captivity, torture, rescue, broken bones, amputation, hospital, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

On Ice and Fire–status complete. 6 parts. TW: stabbing, blood, injury, wounds, hospital, hurt/aftermath, hurt/comfort, hurt/recovery

Freak on a Leash–status complete. 8 parts. TW: pet whump, dehumanization, conditioning, violence, choking, collars, strangulation, blood, mcd, escape

Whumptober 2022--status complete. 31 short prompts of varying tw. 2023 –status complete. 31 short prompts of varying tw. 

Lethal Weapon–status complete. 7 parts. TW: conditioning, manipulation, captivity, hidden injury, gunshot, blood, wounds, unconsciousness, hospital, self sacrifice, hurt/comfort, hurt/recovery, hurt/aftermath

The Night–status complete. 5 parts. TW: blood, injury, wounds, grave injury, near death, magic

The Night We Met–status complete. 4 parts. TW: captivity, torture, restraints, noncon, blood, wounds, drugging, mcd, two whumpers, creepy/intimate whumper, cruel whumper

At Last–status complete. 4 parts. TW: captivity, torture, wounds, blood, bruises, unconsciousness, hospital, escape, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Strategy–status complete. 4 parts. TW: captivity, restraints, forced to watch, choking, drowning, escape, mcd, hurt/no comfort

Words–status complete. 2 parts. TW: emotional whump, threats, torture, captivity, restraints, wounds, blood, stab wounds, mcd, grief, hurt/no comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Whumpcember–status complete. 31 prompts filled. Various TW. 

Winter Whumperland–status complete. 12 prompts filled. Various TW. 

Oh Baby, Baby–status complete. 4 parts. Hero and Villain as co-parents. Absolutely no TW necessary as this is light and fluffy

Whumpuary–status complete. 20 days of prompts. 40 prompts/all prompts filled. Various TW

Gold–status complete. 4 parts. TW: auction, pet whump, conditioning, dehumanization, collars, choking, bruises, branding, burns, infection, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

Secret Kindness–status complete. 6 parts. TW: delirium, head injury, restraints, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery. 

Just Exist–status complete. 6 parts. TW: abandonment, rejection, physical violence

Once and for All–status complete. 7 parts. TW: kidnapping, restraints, gags, physical violence, torture, blood, bruises, broken bones, noncon, choking, unconsciousness, mcd, two whumpers, hurt/no comfort

Forever–status complete. 5 parts. TW: yandere, drugging, magic, poisoning, unconsciousness, self sacrifice

Stuck On You–status complete. 3 parts. TW: captivity, torture, broken bones, escape, hospital, hurt/recovery, hurt/aftermath, two whumpees

Quake–status complete. 3 parts. TW: earthquake, head injury, blood, unconsciousness, rescue, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hospital.  

Oh–status complete. 8 parts. TW: wounds, blood, scars, referenced/implied torture, blade, weapons, mcd. 

March Trop-a-thon–status complete. 7 prompts filled. Various TW. 

Undercover–status complete. 3 parts. TW: blood, gunshot, wounds, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, blood, gunshot, mcd, hurt/no comfort

Recording–status complete. 8 parts. TW: captivity, kidnapping, restraints, torture, video recording, forced to watch, choking, stabbing, bruises, blood, wounds, unconsciousness, rescue, cpr, temporary character death, hospital, hurt/comfort, hurt/recovery, hurt/aftermath, team dynamics. First work with named characters! (at least posted here, lol)

Merry Whump of May–status complete. 31 prompts filled. Various TW. 

Grateful–status complete. 3 parts. TW: referenced torture, referenced captivity, scars, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

To Hurt and To End–status complete. 6 parts. TW: injury, blood, bruises, unconsciousness, restraints, gag, noncon, stabbing, knives, yandere whumper

Chatter

Bring

June of Doom–status complete. 30 prompts filled. Various TW. 

Prisoners–status complete. 6 parts. TW: captivity, torture, restraints, unconsciousness, hurt/comfort, hurt/recovery, hurt/aftermath

Higher Love

Strong Word–status complete. 6 parts. TW: captivity, restraints, torture, blood, wounds, drowning, mcd, cpr, hurt/no comfort. 

It Takes Two

Sweet Nothings–status complete. 2 parts. TW: injury, hospital, unconsciousness, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

Whumpmas in July–status complete. 31 prompts filled. Mix of writing and questions. Various TW

Hook, Line, and Sinker

Deal

Touch Them

Are You Scared–status complete. 2 parts. TW: captivity, torture, restraints, buried alive, temporary character death, cpr, rescue, hospital, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

On Three

Thin Ice

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

Ready, Set, Go

Two Birds, One Bullet

Compass

Close

Unhand

What Have You Done

Get Up

Far Better

In Your Arms

Come With Me

Ache

Rain Check

Antidote

Vengeful One

Together

Still With Us

Most of my stuff is one shot, but can be made into series, just ask!

I also interweave stuff from giant WIP (and it’s sequels) to either test how I like it or to see how it vibes lol. Feel free to ask me more about it. 

I got a bit carried away with this one. It’s a long chapter, and I did consider splitting it into two, but honeslty felt it wouldn’t work as well in two pieces, it all fits together as a single unit. I really hope it is worth the read, but can’t say much else without spoilers.

I’ll be taking a break from the series after this, I’ve got some non-resus stories I want to try and write while I’m still in the groove, and I need to emotionally recover from such a heavy story.

Story Index  

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

* * * 

The sky was shrouded with a layer of grey cloud and rain pattered down, drumming lightly on the old slates. It wasn’t too hard a shower, spring was more a time of drizzle and persistent light rain, rather than howling storms. Carl watched large drops splash on the ground beneath a crack in the aging cast iron gutter as he sat on the old wooden bench underneath the lean-to porch, situated next to a side door of the small, old church. Anna had often told him that she wasn’t religious, but in this part of the world that didn’t particularly mean much. In small villages with no other amenities beyond perhaps a pub or inn, the church was simply the place where community events took place. Festivals. Jubilee celebrations.

Weddings.

Funerals.  

Carl shivered as the memory intruded upon him again. He still hadn’t been able to shake free of the images, despite counselling. Anna, laid out on the trauma bed, lifeless. Her utterly unmoving heart held between his hands. The sound too. A screaming monitor just behind him. Sarah’s sobs as the young nurse cracked.

A hand on his shoulder broke him free of the grim reverie with a jump. Carl looked up to see Roger stood beside him. The nurse gazed down at him with a look in his eyes. Not quite pity, more of understanding with a sad element of helplessness. Which was more than true. They’d talked about it at length on more than one occasion since that day. Roger’s presence in Trauma 3 wouldn’t have changed anything, and every idea the two of them had come up with to combat the recurrent memories had been a bust. The only thing left to try was deeper, more intensive therapy.

He just had to get through today. Maybe doing that would help all by itself. Carl gave Roger a nod and pushed himself to his feet, throwing off the past and coming fully back to the present. They both stepped up to lean against different thick oak pillars, gazing out through the haze of the rain at the church’s graveyard. Anna’s adopted family had been a fixture of the village for untold years. There were generations of Swifts buried here.

Roger blew out a breath. “Do you know what you’re going to say?” He asked.

Carl nodded, slipping a hand into the inside pocket of his black suit, pulling out a folded piece of paper. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to though.”

“You will.” The nurse said, making it seem like a simple statement of fact. A moment later he stood straighter, looking out at the road leading down to the church. Carl followed Roger’s gaze, quickly locking on the long black car as it passed behind the trees. Roger turned to him, his hand landing on Carl’s shoulder again. “Here she comes. We should get inside.”

* * *

THE DAY OF THE ATTACK

Stelling had relented to Carl’s request for 5 more minutes with a small nod, easing back from the bed to leave him to it. He turned to look at Mark, or more particularly the rapid infuser.

“Go ahead with another full round of blood products.”

“This’ll be all we have.” The nurse warned.

“Jones will be here.” Carl told him. Not that it would matter if they didn’t get Anna back by the time the red bags were empty.

Through the conversation Carl’s hands had continued to squeeze Anna’s heart, palms and fingers pumping the otherwise inactive muscle. He feel the blood in the chambers, a glance at the monitor telling him that Anna’s blood pressure, above the aortic clamp at least, was almost at a normal level. They, He, just needed that heart in his grasp to beat on its own.

He glanced at the clock. 2 of those 5 minutes had slid by already. It was so hard to tell time when everyone was so quiet. And when there was so little else to do. It also meant it had been 4 since the last round of adrenaline.

“Get me another round of epi.” He said to Trish. “Inject it directly into her heart.”

It was a desperate measure. It was a more desperate time. This was already one round beyond the usual maximum. She’d probably bled a few rounds out before they stopped the worst bleeding. As a justification for breaking protocol, it wasn’t the best. However, the protocol was based on evidence. Any epi beyond the maximum showed no clear difference to outcomes. But if, technically, that maximum amount hadn’t truly made it into her system, maybe giving her one more would make a difference.

Carl kept up the compressions while Trish filled the syringe, and stepped up beside him. “Right in there.” He indicated with his finger, while still compressing. He was pointing just below where the coronary arteries branched from the aorta, and did his best to keep Trish’s target still as he made sure blood still flowed. The sheer size of the aorta would mean some, maybe even most of the drug would be sent elsewhere, but it also meant the whole heart itself would receive a decent dose at the same time.

Carl desperately hoped it would be enough.

He watched Trish guide the point of the needle towards the indicated point. Her hands were tightly controlled, not even a single tremor. The needle pierced the aorta just above the ventricle, sliding in just a tiny distance. Trish held the barrel with one hand, keeping the tip of the needle where it needed to be, and eased the plunger in with the other. Carl’s massage pushed the drug into her system, and her heart.

Trish extracted the needle, stepping clear of Anna’s chest, limiting any potential to accidently introduce an infection, in the increasingly vain hope that Anna would survive long enough for that to be a concern. Carl had hoped for an immediate response to the adrenaline, but Anna’s heart didn’t react.

Come on baby. Come on. Come back to me. Come back to me baby.

He repeated variations on that refrain in his head as he stared at her face.

He never even noticed the moment he started saying it out loud.

“Carl….Carl!”

Everything looked hazy, until he blinked away his tears. As his vision cleared he became aware of everything.

Sarah was sobbing. She’d detached the ambubag and dropped it next to Anna’s head. The monitor behind him continued to scream, Anna was still asystolic. Her heart refused to even twitch. It laid there in his hands, lifeless, just like the rest of her body.

The surgeons had stopped working. He raised his head, to see Jones stood inside the trauma room, a large bag slung over one arm. His other was wrapped around Lucy as she buried her face in his shoulder. Trish laid her hand on Carl’s elbow. He couldn’t look at her.

Instead, his gaze drifted towards Stelling. He didn’t expect it, but she looked broken. Her eyes glistened with her own tears. “Carl, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She took a shuddering breath. “It’s been 35 minutes. I…I have to call it.” She looked at the clock, one hand gripping part of the sheets in a knot. “Time…” Her voice cracked. “Time of death, 04:17”

* * *

Anna was able to feel Carl’s compressions. But not much else. Her abdomen no longer existed to her senses. She did not feel her lungs inflating. The pulses from those compressions had slipped beyond her. She only felt the physical squeezing of her heart by his hands. And even that was fading away from her.

Please don’t stop.

Her mental voice had barely the strength of a whisper.

Don’t let me go.

She felt so insignificant. She tried to cling to that feeling of her heart being massaged, but it too was beginning to fade. Even though she was in a lightless void, a greater darkness seemed to be drawing in around her.

The squeezing of her heart stopped. Not like her sense of it faded away. It simply stopped.

They had stopped.

No…

She whimpered as that final darkness started to rush in at her.

* * *

Carl’s world was ending. Tears tracked down his face, soaking into his mask. He looked at her blank face, her empty eyes.

She can’t be gone.

But she was. Her heart, cradled in his hands, lay totally still.

He heard others crying around him, in a far off, disconnected way. He couldn’t move, his body frozen.

She’s gone. Anna’s gone.

* * *

I’m so sorry Carl

The rushing darkness was close to snuffing her out completely. Close to erasing everything she was. Her memories of the past. Her feelings in the present. Her hopes for the future.

No.

All those dreams of times with Carl. Of love. Family. Life.

Not like this.

She wasn’t pleading.

She was pissed.

I won’t leave him! You hear me! I will NOT go!

Anger had never really come easily to her. It had always seemed like a waste of energy.

Now, she raged, pulling on every memory, every emotion. Every dream.

You think I’m just going to let you take all of that from me?!

She roared at the eternal darkness.

FUCK YOU!

She drew all her rage into a single point and cast it out like a supernova, a brilliant flash in the darkness.

* * *

Anna’s heart twitched in his hands. For a long moment he thought he had imagined it. Then it quivered, wriggled, and began to squirm. Carl’s head snapped around to the monitor, that persistent whine had gone, replaced by the two tone alarm, and a coarse v-fib was juddering along the screen.

“Charge to 50!” He called out, spinning around to grab the wand like paddles.

“Carl…” He heard Stelling saying something, but he blocked her out. Thankfully Trish had set and charged the defib.

Carl turned to back to Anna, plunging the paddles into her open chest, placing them around her shivering heart.

“Clear!” He shouted, even though no one was touching her. They’d all stood back after giving up.

He pressed the buttons.

Anna’s heart spasmed once as the shock jolted through, the muscles throughout her chest giving a tiny jerk. Time almost stopped. Anna’s heart fell still. For an agonising, endless moment, it stayed still.

Then it moved.

A co-ordinated contraction, first the atria, then the ventricles.

The monitor bleeped, once, twice, three times. It continued bleeping.

And Anna’s heart continued beating.

* * *

She’s alive.

Carl finally breathed again, his brain buzzing as thoughts ran into one another. But that was the most important one.

Anna’s alive!

“Get the vest! We need to cool her down!” He shouted. Her body was alive, he needed to keep her brain that way too. He looked beside him to Edwards, wordlessly asking for an update.

“Renal artery is grafted, it’ll hold for long enough.” She said. “We can pack the rest and give her a few hours at least.” She said, with a relieved sigh.

“Keep that infuser going, just like you have been.” Carl told Mark. It wasn’t much of an apology for his earlier forcefulness, but the nurse nodded, his expression offering forgiveness.

“Carl.” It was Stelling again. “You need to leave her to us.”

“Not yet.”

“Now.” She didn’t shout, but her voice held the same unyielding command he often used. Unsurprising really. He’d learned it from her. “I can forgive your actions so far. But it’s time to step aside.” She held his gaze for a moment, then looked down at Anna. “We’ll do everything we can. I promise.”

A small part of his mind snarled at that. She had literally declared the love of his life dead. But he knew the senior doctor well. Where there was real hope, she would fight for her patients. Anna had that hope now.

Finally, Carl stepped back from the bed. His knee’s trembled, and he had to place a hand on the crash cart to steady himself for a moment. The last hour had been a chaotic, terrifying, adrenaline rush. With Anna back, and nothing left for him to do, it finally started to hit him. He pulled off the glasses, mask, and gloves, letting them drop to the floor as the nurses followed their orders. He only had eyes for Anna.

Before the bed got too busy he slipped around to the top of the bed, next to Sarah. The nurse was still taking shaky breaths, but she had reattached the ambu-bag. She eased to one side for him, letting him close enough to lean down over Anna’s head.

“I love you Anna Swift.” He breathed, as he laid a quick gentle kiss on her forehead. “I love you.”

He stood straighter, moving out of the way as the nurses arranged the cooling vest. The surgeons were working both sites, packing sterile gauze into her chest and abdomen and preparing to cover the sites temporarily before they took her to the operating theatre. They left the aortic clamp in place for now. He watched on as the whole team worked together to gently lift her up enough to slide the vest underneath her, extracting her shredded clothing at the same time.

He could feel himself trembling, the shock ramping up as he found himself unable to take his eyes off the blood soaked bundle that had been dumped on the floor. He jumped when Stelling put her hand on his arm. “Carl.” She said quietly, the stony voice of his boss replaced by the compassion of a friend. “Go and get cleaned up. We’ll let you know if anything changes.” He struggled to nod, but the comforting squeeze Stelling gave his arm helped.

His legs felt like lead, and there was a constant ringing in his ears. He had to keep glancing at the monitor to confirm it wasn’t an alarm as he backed out of the trauma room. Though the windows he watched as they got the vest wrapped around Anna’s body and switched the ambu bag for a ventilator. It was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do, but he finally dragged himself down the hall enough to take her from his view.

* * *

He shuffled down the corridor, pushing through the doors and heading for the staff room. He ignored all of the stares at his bloody clothes. All the questions from nurses and doctors. The words themselves didn’t penetrate, but it was clear they knew now that it was Anna in trauma 3. His lack of response probably didn’t help them, but he simply couldn’t.

He finally made it to the staff room. He trudged to his locker, fingers refusing to cooperate as he manipulated the lock. Eventually he pulled it open. A change of clothes hung there, but he ignored them. Instead, his hands went to his jacket, finding a small box inside one of the pockets. His hand clamped around it, pulling it out.

It was all too much. He staggered back until he managed to brace his hand on one of the sofas, then he sank down until he sat on the floor. His mind was spinning beyond his, beyond anyone’s control. He’d come so close to losing her. He still might.

He wept.

He didn’t know how many people came through. They said things to him. Gave comforting squeezes on his shoulders. An occasional one sided hug. Some sat by him for a time. It all just passed him by. He simply stared at the bank of lockers. At one in particular. Anna’s. Daylight started shining through the lone window, casting a wedge of light across the lockers. To his perception it seemed to jump across lockers in small movements as the sun rose. The rest of the time all he saw was Anna laying on the landing covered in blood. Anna mouthing three words to him. Anna staring past him. Anna with a tube shoved down her throat. Anna receiving deep compressions. Anna with her chest open and her heart in his hands.

Finally, someone managed to break through to him. They had been sat beside him for a while. And he’d been vaguely aware of a conversation between the one next to him and someone else. He just wanted them to go away. To leave him alone. But they wouldn’t. The person moved to kneel in front of him.  

“Carl. Come on mate.” He said, shaking Carl’s shoulder, first gently then more aggressively. “Don’t make me slap you.”

Carl blinked, his eyes finally moving to look at Roger.

The nurse let out a breath. “Good. Listen. She’s out of surgery. She’s still with us. You hear me? She’s still with us.”

Carl tried to reply, but his mouth was dryer than the Sahara. He opted for a nod.

“That’s it. They’re gettin’ her situated in the ICU, but you’re going to have to change before they let you in, yeah?”

Carl glanced down at himself. The blood, Anna’s blood, on his clothing had dried, turning to a coppery colour. He gave another nod. Roger stood, and held out a hand, helping to haul Carl to his feet. Pain shot through his back and legs. The physical sensations helped to pull Carl back together more than the words. He must have winced or groaned.

“Yeah, 6 hours sat on the floor will do that to you.” The nurse said, trying for a bit of levity.

It had been that long? Roger kept him steady as Carl found his feet. He finally parted his hands. The small box had left deep indentations in his palms, but he kept it from view. He started towards his still open locker.

“I’ll get those. You get into the shower.”

Carl’s knees protested, but he took a step. He clapped a hand on Roger’s shoulder and gave him a nod. He tried to say something but couldn’t find the words. He just nodded again.

The nurse reached up and mirrored Carl’s gesture. “It’s ok mate. I know.”

Carl slowly made his way to the shower, not letting the small box out of his grasp, as awkward as it made the process.

* * *

Carl sat beside the ICU bed. Machines whirred and whooshed and chirped around him. But he could only look at the figure on the bed. Anna looked a mess. But an alive mess. The ET tube was still held in her mouth by the tube holder, and she was wrapped up in the cooling vest. He could just see the bandages through the translucent material, taped over her chest and abdomen. But her skin had colour to it, her lips were pink.

The neurologist had been to examine her, but the findings were inconclusive. There was some damage. She’d been in cardiac arrest for more than half an hour. Nobody was getting through that unscathed. But at this point they had no way to tell just what had been affected, or how bad it was. The EEG monitor was encouraging though. A halo of electrodes ringed her hairline, the wires running to the screen that showed good steady spikes. Neurology wasn’t his department, he couldn’t interpret them to any significant degree, but he knew one thing. Spiky brain waves meant she wasn’t brain dead.

A nurse was fluttering around the machines, checking readings, adjusting levels. Carl said nothing while she was there. He simply held Anna’s hand. It chilled his fingers a little, with the vest covering her completely, but he could withstand that. Eventually the nurse wrote one last thing on the chart, and with a small smile, she slipped out of the room. Carl watched her go. Then his hand slipped into his pocket.

“I’m sorry.” He said to Anna, almost pretending she wasn’t unconscious. “I lied to you, earlier.” He took a shuddering breath as he pulled out the small box. He shifted her hand, exposing her fingers, and cradled it as he placed the box half in his hand, half in hers. “About the accountants.”

He sighed. He could feel the tears prickling his eyes again. “My grandfather. He did leave me a trust, but they didn’t need managed. Not today. Or yesterday, I guess.” He said with a chuckle that almost became a sob. “He left me a trust that I was only to use for three things. Education. A home. And…”

Carl looked up at Anna’s face. Her beautiful face. His heart ached, desperate to see those eyes open.

“And a ring.” He whispered, gently opening the small box.

Inside laid a gold band, wide, but not excessively so. With a series of small stones set into the band itself, forming a palindrome of ruby, sapphire, diamond, sapphire, ruby.

He’d seen her admiring it in the window of the jewellers. Seen her wide eyes and radiant smile. That reaction told him everything he needed to know. She wanted him just as much as he wanted her. And that ring was the perfect one for his perfect partner.

“So please. Anna, baby I’m begging you. Please wake up so I can put it on your finger.”

* * *

13 MONTHS LATER

Gravel crunched beneath the wheels of the black car as it made its way down to the church. Flowers adorned the trees that lined the trail, bouquets of pink and white. It was a long trail, almost frustrating by the time it pulled up outside the main door. Anna struggled to contain her excitement as her dad stepped out and rounded the back, coming up to her door and helping her out of the vehicle. Anna hid the wince, the scars were still a little tight, but she could bare it, especially today.

“Are you ready Petal?” He asked, looking her in the eyes.

She nodded, struggling to find any appropriate words, before realising that words were mostly meaningless. She reached out and pulled him into a hug.

He chuckled. “I’m so proud of you.” He said into her hair. His voice was thick, heavy with love, true pride, and tinged with the memory of how she was a year ago. “ Let’s go.” He whispered, as they both heard the first few notes from the organ.

As they walked into the church Anna was comforted by the steadfast presence of her father. She might have been adopted, but he was her father. Her hand laid on his arm gently, but he held it firm, ready, just in case. It had been a long year, and she was still recovering. The tingles and numbness in her right side could still come unexpectedly.

They stopped just inside the outer door, beneath the stone vaulting. Literal centuries of brides had stood right there, waiting for the right moment in the music. Trish was there, along with Anna’s niece and a young boy, barely even 4 years old, one of Carl’s cousins. Trish was already crying, a huge smile on her face. She approached tentatively, but Anna accepted the hug without tottering. It was Trish’s turn to be unable to speak. She pulled back, nodded, still with the big smile, and hugged Anna again.

“You’re going to make me late…” Anna whispered to her.

Trish finally retreated with a shared grin, and the organ music launched into the main theme. Trish shepherded the children around the corner, leaving Anna and her father in the vestibule, waiting for the cue. Her dad laid his hand upon hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“Let’s go kiddo.”

The music came around to ‘the moment’ and Anna stepped onto the aisle confidently. She looked around, greeted by the sight of so many familiar faces. Plenty of family, hers and Carl’s. Colleagues and friends, the line there was pretty blurred. She didn’t want to consider the bill for agency staff the hospital was taking. They hadn’t complained though. Perhaps it was the trusts idea of a wedding gift. Even Dr Stelling was there.

It didn’t matter how many times Anna told the trauma lead that she understood her actions, the senior doctor was endlessly apologetic. It was genuinely becoming annoying. Part of Anna wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her while screaming 'You don’t need to apologise again! I would have done the same thing!’ She was glad Stelling had allowed Carl to give her that last jolt, but…ugh, I’m over it, why aren’t you, she thought.

The steady arm suddenly felt firmer, and Anna caught herself. She hoped nobody noticed. That was the biggest lingering issue. If she got distracted her mind could float off and leave her limbs behind. Totally normal, for someone who had been dead for half an hour, apparently. In time it would hopefully get better. It was still irritating.

But it did force her to focus, and what a sight it was. Carl stood before the altar, in a frankly …mmmmfff… fitting suit. She was sure she hadn’t forgotten a word, an embarrassingly common occurrence in the last year. For once she knew what she saw was beyond such petty things as words.

Many would say it was a pretty standard suit. But with Carl in it… How do you clothe the perfect man?

He’d been the first face she truly saw when she awoke. He’d held her as emotions pulled her apart and she dragged herself back together again, a beacon when communication was almost impossible. He’d held her arm as she took her first steps on wasted legs, steadied her as she relearned balance. He read her favourite books aloud to ease her off to sleep despite the beeps and bongs of various monitors. He had taken her home, to their home, and cradled her when the nightmares came. As she gradually returned to who she once was, he was there. Always waiting, ironically she reflected, patiently, until she was ready for the next step.

It had been a long year, and at times it was terribly hard. But it only served to deepen their love for each other. The ring was on her finger throughout. And, once her recovery permitted, they’d been able to have some moments of … fun. Considering they were both employed in the medical profession, they ought to have seen it coming. They’d both been terrified when the doctor asked them to come and double check some results from a routine post-'event’ exam.

Anna’s hand drifted towards her belly, where the bump was only just starting to show, and Carl’s joined it as she alighted the small set of steps up to the altar. His fingers lingered for only a moment though, they had ceremonial obligations to fulfil. Anna watched the embrace between Carl and her father, and realised just how bonded the two had become. If, in some bizarro universe she ever tried to divorce Carl, she had no idea who her father would choose.

Roger’s presence behind Carl was also an element she would never have foreseen. They’d been colleagues, sure enough. But something around the 'event’ had changed their relationship on a fundamental level. Men. They were weird.

And then Carl took her hands, and it was just the two of them. Nobody else mattered. The vicar was giving his spiel, and Anna was slyly glad she could blame the 'event’ for her distraction when it came to the parts that actually needed her input. The truth was she didn’t care for anything else but him. His eyes. His smile. Him, standing there before her. It took her a moment to realise what the vicar had said, until Carl unfolded a piece of paper. His voice barely wavered as he read out the handwritten vows, and Anna’s heart became physically, metaphorically, and eternally, his.

THE END

* * *

Right in the center...

He likes to take my breasts and plunge into them...

Just by getting close to my chest my heart starts pounding

and while he dives into my chest i intertwine my fingers in his hair and caress while he accommodates his ear just above my increasingly accelerated heartbeat....

He hugs me, squeezes me tightly and lays me down....

My chest pressed between his arms and his head. ..

Your wrist was in his loose grip, checking for your pulse. He knew how these panic attack episodes would affect you and caused your heart to palpitate. Feeling the quick pulse of your heart, he took note of your fast heartbeat.

"Hey, you're safe with me, okay? I won't let anything happen to you babe..." he reassured, giving you a warm smile.

With both of you lying in bed and facing each other, you took in his features. You noticed how he looked worried about you.

His big hand rest on the center of your chest then moved to rest right under your left breast. The strong beating of your heart managed to make his hand slightly bounce to your heart against your skin.

"Breathe in and breathe out, slowly, alright? Mhm, just like that. Goodjob honey..." he praised you for trying to stabilize your own breathing.

His hand that was previously checking for your pulse was now ruffling your hair gently, trying to distract you from your thoughts and focus more on inhaling and exhaling. He softly pat your chest in order to radiate a feeling of calmness to the rapid beating of your heart.

To your conscience, you slowly fell asleep to him patting your chest, finally feeling calm. Your breathing was even better and so as your heart, returned to it's slower rhythm as you were sleeping. Your boyfriend noticed that you already dozed off. He placed a kiss on your forehead and on a spot on your chest, where he could feel your heartbeat.

!!please credit/tag me!!

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit, c’mere.”

“Someone get the medic. Get the medic!”

“Hey, hey, shhhh. Shhhh. You’re okay.”

“You did so good. Don’t worry, you-you did so good.”

“Here, lean on me. I can carry you.”

“We’re gonna fix you up, brand new. I promise.”

“No. No, stop. Stop talking like that. You’re gonna be fine.”

“Okay. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do—fuck.”

“I know, I know it hurts.”

"I don't care. I'm not leaving you."

“I’m going to lift you up, okay? Tell me if it hurts.”

“Where are they? Where are they?!”

"I would believe that you're fine, but you have a goddamn knife sticking out of your leg, so."

"You just watched them die."

"This is going to hurt, okay?"

"God, I'm so sorry, it'll be over soon, I promise."

"How many fingers am I holding up? ... I don't have six fingers."

"Stop. No. Wake up. Wake up! I said wake up!"

"I came as soon as I heard."

“Get away! You’re hurting them!”

“Please be okay. Please be okay, please be okay—”

“Shit. Shit, that’s a lot of blood.”

“You dumbass. Don’t do that. Ever again.”

"Help them! Please!"

"You scared us all back there. I... Including me."

"[name]? [name], this isn't funny. Stop... please..."

"Breathe... breathe. Look at the stars, kid."

"It was supposed to be me... please, no, [name], please..."

"Tell me where it hurts, and be specific."

“You’ll be fine.” *silence* “You’ll be fine. Hey! Wake up! Please. Please wake up…”