I'm grateful for my mother. Will always be & would strive to become as kind & patient as her. May Allah forever be pleased with her

I'm grateful for this thing inside me that seeks the truth. I do not trust things to be what they appear to be. I read between the lines a lot but over the years it has only proved to be the best thing I've done

I'm grateful for my independence. I dislike that I depend on others & alhamdulillah Allah has detached my heart from any attachments that may make me cling to the people or feel like I need someone's constant presence with me. I prefer solitude and in it I find comfort

I'm grateful that Allah has made my heart a soft one, it is easy for me to be kind to others & empathise. My emotional intelligence is something I thank Allah for

I'm grateful for living in a country where I can practice my religion freely. Saddens me when I see so many around the globe wishing to simply practice Islam but are unable to

I'm grateful for my intellect. Allah has given me intelligence and understanding of many things that most my age don't have

I'm grateful for my mother. I don't know what I would do without her

I'm grateful for the classes being online, it's been a relief to be honest. Many may disagree but for me it's been a blessing

I'm grateful for the sky, it takes ones worries away & makes one remember Allah much & exalt Him & wonder how beautiful must the One be whose creation is this beautiful

I am always grateful for one thing & that is Islam, it is always always always the only constant that I'm forever grateful for. Alhamdulillah

I'm grateful for my companions. Friends that I can turn to when I feel like loneliness has increased. I don't need to apologise to them for my long absence because they understand my need & love for staying alone.

I'm grateful that I can afford books & the fact that I enjoy reading. Most either don't have enough money to buy them, others don't have the love for reading them. They are the best company that one can keep. I always try get at least three books a month & that brings me happiness, the books I got this month are

This has to be the hardest because that one person who made it possible to achieve everything I have this year, is the one person I can never voice my gratitude to.

I will still write this because if there's someone in this world that I owe gratitude to, it's this one person.

You were the beacon of light in my life when all else was dark. You showed me the way home when I was so, so lost. When I had no one, you made sure I wasn’t alone. These dreams that I see now, the wishes that I hold dear to my heart, you helped me weave them. You gave me hope, and through you, Allah gave me strength. Through you, Allah guided me to His Path. There are endless blessings of Allah in my life, but you were one of the greatest.

When grief weighs heavy upon my chest, I read your old letters, it brings the biggest of smiles to my face & that tells a lot about the kind of person you were. Your absence howls through me like a desert wind but your memories make me feel so grateful that at least once you called me yours & I called you mine.

I wish I could turn back time & cherish every moment I got to spend with you even when it was brief. You used to say you wish you treated people right because you never know when you see them for the last time & how you always regretted not telling your dad you loved him before he died. I have my fair bit of regrets too & taking our time together for granted is one of them but I'm happy alhamdulillah I shared some of my life with you.

You will forever be my favourite chapter in the story of my life. After all this time, even now, when I look at myself in the mirror, it is your reflection that I see; when I speak to people, it is the echo of your words that I hear. Amidst all the thousand faces that have come and gone, the thousand voices that have faded in and out, not once did I ever forget you. From the day you came into my life, you booked a permanent place in my heart. I remember you. And I’ll always remember you.

We once spoke of separation & I told you if death ever did us part, our final meeting would be in His gardens & we would chase each other in the forests of Jannah & climb it's trees, I remember how it upset you & you said "after you, the only comfort I will ever find will be with the Quran again" & it made me smile. I try find my comfort in Quran now & I ask Allah to make it a means for Him loving you.

Your memory still lingers in my mind. Sometimes I catch myself smiling remembering the warmth that I used to feel every time we'd speak, like a scented candle slowly burning in the dark, spreading a pleasant fragrance as it faded away. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, you still hold a place in my heart. A tiny part of it doesn't want to let go of that warmth. I still speak about you from time to time; to my friends, to my mother, to myself. I still think about you, and what you were, and what we were, and I wonder if I'll ever find something like that again. My mother tells me, why not? There are countless good out there in the world. Different doesn't have to be bad. But a tiny part of me craves the comfort of familiarity. I know she's right though, there are plenty of good in this world, and sometimes different is the best we could hope for.

I could not erase your memories. I could not put out the candle that still keeps burning, a pleasant fragrance that I can still smell sometimes. But this time, your memory no longer brings tears to my eyes, it no longer pierces through my heart. It's like a warm squeeze; melancholic, nostalgic, bittersweet. It's bearable. I can talk about you without breaking down. I can remember you and actually smile. I can live and laugh with people again, without feeling the burden of guilt, without feeling the absurdity of time's movement, without being filled with bitterness towards this world.

Maybe healing is not about forgetting at all. Maybe healing is remembering, without the pain. Maybe it's acknowledging your absence, and moving past denial. Maybe it's coming to terms with His decree and no longer wondering why. Maybe healing is accepting your loss, and finding contentment with that acceptance; finding contentment with the decree of Allah.

Aitikaaf. That time alone with Allah. Beautiful. I got to sit the last three days in aitikaaf at the mosque alhamdulillah & it has been the best time of my life.

To sleep to the voice of the girl reciting Quran in the tent next to me, to stand shoulder to shoulder in prayer, to raise hands in the depths of the night & complain to Allah of everything thats been disturbing the peace of your heart is what the heart needed.

All this while I’ve been drowning myself in distractions because I did not want to feel the pain or the grief of everything that has happened, everything that didn’t happen and everything and everyone I’ve lost. But, in this Ramadan, I’ve laid my distractions aside. And I’ve finally allowed myself to feel; and the grief came crashing down, making me remember and mourn and long for a bygone era, a bygone life.

But, this is Ramadan, and these are the last 10 nights, which means there’s no end to Allah’s mercy, forgiveness, hope. No matter the grief that never seems to leave me, and no matter the constant yearning, with Allah, there’s no end to hope.

There’s no end to hope.

Solitude. I've always loved it. Healing needs self reflection & for that we need our caves to return to. It is said: The sad soul finds rest in isolation and loneliness. It deserts people like the wounded deer does with its herd, hiding in its cave till it’s healed. When sins increase, so does sadness & that is when you need to sit alone, reflect over your relationship with your Rabb & ask Him to heal you, to comfort you.

My comfort is in solitude, it has always been & I plan this Ramadan to sit aitikaaf. Because of exams earlier, I haven't been able to sit all ten days but I'm thinking I do sit aitikaaf the last three days because I really need that time alone with Allah.

The Prophet peace be upon him would often go to his cave & isolate himself & work on His relationship with his Rabb.

The world needs to get distanced from or the heart gets sick from the evil that too much socialising brings.

What leads to sinning in most if not all situations is the failure to lower the gaze. When you do not guard your gaze and let it wander wherever it wants, it leads to the corruption of the heart.

There is very little control that we have on things we choose to see. Social media has the filthiest things to offer just at one click & even those who don't wish to see it are forced to. I realise how I've been exposed to many things online that I wish I never saw, to deal with it I decided to delete some of the apps that brought no benefit. Sometimes you might be listening to a recitation on youTube and next thing you see is a horrible advertisement that should never be there. I know if I want to get closer to Allah, I need to protect myself from these & a little attempt at this was made by me today alhamdulillah.

I always try ponder over His creation. Just sit down and look at all of the things around you & you will be in awe at how perfect everything is in its creation because He who created it is the best of Creators.

Allah says: Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and the earth and the alternation of the night and the day are signs for those of understanding.

Look at the sky & how it is there standing perfectly without any pillars & how the birds fly & how no human is like another & how no two snowflakes have the same pattern & how the night envelopes the day & the day envelopes the night. SubhanAllah. Makes me smile everytime I think that the Creator of these beautiful things around me is my Rabb & that just pondering over His creation itself is a form of worship because it leads to us exalting Him. Indeed He is the best of Creators.

Today I decided to hold more firmly onto my daily portion of the recitation of the Quran. In Ramadan, it is easy but as soon as Ramadan ends, we start lagging & before we even realise, we are back to our old routine of making excuses for not reading it.

Even if it is one verse, hold onto it, as firmly as you can. Allah says: verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find peace. And the best remembrance is the Speech of Allah.

I have personally noticed that when I do not recite the Quran, my day lacks something, the heart is ever so restless & gloom increases. On the contrary, when I do recite, even if its a small amount, my day goes very well, the heart is at peace.

There is one thing I've always wanted to work on & that is being more dutiful towards my mother because everytime I see her working so so hard to bring smiles to our faces & provide us with whatever we ask for (as long as she has the ability to), it makes me feel bad because I haven't been the best daughter.

This morning after fajr, I decided to do the dishes & mama was well surprised because usually I go back to sleep after praying & she has to clean the kitchen & gets no rest. I hope Allah accepts from me & make this a means of me attaining His pleasure in this world and the next.

The reason why this helps with spirituality is because Allah has asked us MULTIPLE times in the Quran and thru many hadith of the prophet peace be upon him to be dutiful to the parents especially the mother & to lower our wing of mercy for them. One of the major sins in Islam is to disobey the parents. We are not allowed to even say "oof" to them & it breaks my heart everytime I end up being in a situation where my treatment of my parents especially my mother isn't the best.

Spirituality for me is practicing my religion & submitting to my Rabb, the One who created me & sustains me.

I already pray five times and do the basic things that a Muslim is supposed to do but I wish to take it to a higher level, something more than the basics so perhaps I can hope of having my ranks in the hereafter elevated in sha Allah.

Everyday this week, I will try to do something that I haven't done previously & write down my reflections on practicing that certain thing.