Welcome to my brain.

I need to feel loved. It's that simple. I'm not saying you need to cling to every single thing I say and tell me I take your breath away every five minute but I do need someone who makes me feel like what I'm saying is important and I matter. Lately I haven't had that in the one person I need it from the most. I  understand it's not his fault and he has a lot going on but I can't live like this anymore. I find myself walking down the street and having to make an effort not to jump in front of cars and buses. I can't help thinking it'd be easier to just do that than to live every day feeling like I'm not enough. I consciously have to tell myself that no matter how much I feel like it'll make it easier it won't. I don't share this with him because I don't feel like he'll care and I don't want to face that reality. I don't want to face that I'm not enough for him. I don't even feel like he'd take me seriously to be honest. I'm sick of feeling like this isn't real. Just because it isn't year-round doesn't make it less dangerous.

I was just laying here trying to get sleepy and I started freaking out thinking about planning a wedding with Phillip. It's going to be the hardest thing to do ever. Like I can't imagine out two families ever coming together and agreeing on anything. Like at all. I can just see it now. His mom telling me I'm a spoiled brat that likes wasting money and me telling her she just doesn't understand putting happiness before bills. And then I cry. I cry a lot. And then my mom decides to come to my rescue and then I yell at her and then everyone is just really upset. The worst part is that is just deciding on whether we should have two chocolate fountains or just one. How are we ever going to decide on the big decisions? I can't just kick both of our parents out of the decisions but I don't know how they'd agree on anything. This is so stupid to be thinking about right now but it's bothering me.

But every time I watch tangled I cry when the lanterns go up. It's the dumbest thing ever but everything about the scene is so beautiful. The way that Flynn is looking at rapunzel, the lights, how happy she is to finally be getting her dream, the music. Ugh I'm so lame.