TrebleAtlas' Cast 'n Brew

Since Tumblr ain't fixing shit, we gotta do it ourselves

You need:

Tumblr

Speaking ability

How to cast

Close your eyes and concentrate on a perfect world. Then say 10 times in a row "Alakazamaking it better"

Open your eyes

Delete the app

Effort: 1/5

So we had the dog spell

But let's be honest, noone wants to be like a dog if they can be like a cat!

I'll tell you how in this post-and the best thing is: You don't even need their eyeballs (Take this, dog spell!)

1. The Claws

Let's start off with the easiest one

You need:

Patience

How to cast:

Just stop cutting your nails and take care they don't break. (On advanced magic-level you can use a grindstone to itensify the cat feeling)

2. The Whiskers

Now I can already hear you say "Hold on, this is by far more easiet than the claws?" But false! Of course you can simply tape wires onto your cheek-but this won't do it the magical way, our goal is to become a real cat and that ain't working with no fake whiskers!

You need:

More patience

A cat

How to cast:

You can do two things at once! You watch your cat and learn all its behaviour, study it in every move and when it looses a whisker, get it!

Might take up to 10 years or 15 cats but is definetly worth it! Only the real deal gives the sneel feel!

3. The purring

Cats are very cute-but they wouldn't be by far our favorite assholes if they couldn't purr.

You need:

Two phones

A plastic bag

How to cast:

Now this is something tricky, you wanna do it right so you put one phone into the plastic back and swallow it (don't choke tho). Make sure you turned on the vibration before. Everytime you feel like purring now, you call yourself! Positive side effect: you'll also vomit like a cat!

After about two days the phone should come out again and you can charge it.

Easy version: stick a vibrator up your ass and learn how to activate it with your sphincter.

4. The Mood

You got all you need to physically be a cat! But hold on-there's still the need for the right mental state.

You need:

A magazine ("The Worlds 20 Richest People")

A Cold Shower

A sturdy alarm clock

Lactose Intolerance

How to cast:

Cats are fluffy and cute right? Right! But they're not simply fluffballs, they're grumpy fluffballs. So the best way to start of is by looking at what other people have and compare it to your own, normal life.

But we don't want you to fall outta role just because you're not home anymore. Cold showers will do the trick, maybe then you'll get why cats hate water.

Last thing is your alarm clock. Your very own nemesis. Cats sleep much but never really deep so its your mission to spend at least 13 hours a day in bed but don't sleeo more than 20 minutes in a row.

5. The Transformation

After you completed all other points, it's time for you to start your new life as the human cat!

For this you practice the Black Ritual but with writing the word "Cat" above the candle and concentrate on yourself as a cat from now on.

After about ten minutes, you can open your eyes and will have traded your soul for a cat soul!

Your old soul will prolly help building one of Satans many castles but don't worry about that-you're a cat now, the world is yours!

And as a cat, you can use all the fresh new superpowers like:

-Hunting laserpointers

-Placing dead birds in front of your door

-Jumping out the window and landing on your feet (not recommended)

You can also randomly bite people now-they will hate you but fuck it, you are a cat! You hate them even more!

Your only natural enemy is milk!

Kids will love you!

You'll become up to 14 years old!

Your urin shines under black light!

You don't have to pay Taxes! You can easily rip the Taxman!

You'll be prayed to by very old egypts!

You're fast as fuck but noone can tell how fast because you're also too small to discover!

You can climb on everything made of leather!

So many positive aspects-and you didn't lose your colour vision!

Effort: 3/5

You will need:

* Saffron

* Rosemary

* Star Anise

* Ginger

* Lavender oil

* Peppermint oil

* Glass container

* Candle

* Water

* Bowl

How to cast:

1. Take 1/4 cup of each of your spices and mix them into a bowl. Make sure that they are ground into a fine powder

2. Gradually add water till it becomes a paste, then add 10-15 drops of each of your oils

3. Put mixture into a glass container of your choosing

4. Warm it up by hovering it over your lit candle. This will take a while, but it needs to be a slow cook

To use:

Rub the mixture on whatever part of your body needs the healing. For an example- if your head hurts, rub it on your forehead

This will still work if you do not have it warm, but it is recommended for at least the first time. It can be stored in the jar for later use.

DO NOT CONSUME- although everything is edible, it is not recommended you eat this. That’s gross

Effort: 3/5

Ever wanted to know if someones in the room next to you without looking? You can with this spell!

You need:

1 glas

1 bottle Liquor

1 pair of goggles

See through blue paper

4 candles

How to cast:

Cut the paper right so it fits on the inside of the goggles, then drink liquor until you're lowkey drunk (CAUTION! Alcohol can be dangerous, don't drink too much bc it's not instantly working, take your time)

Then put on the goggles and sit down in the middle of a dark room, place the candles on all 4 sides around you.

Close your eyes and concentrate on the noises around you (preferably turn off all TVs/Radios)

After 5 minutes of concentrating open your eyes again, you'll see a shimmer whenever you look at a wall with another person/bigger animal in a distance of 10 feet.

The spell will end if you take off the goggles, the alcohol stops working (CAUTION AGAIN! Don't drink again to keep the spell activated, this will end its effects as well) or automatically after about 2 hours.

What's this spell for?

Its useful if:

You wanna rob a bank (Any money gained with this spell has a tax of 20%, to pay to one of the owners of this blog of your choice)

You wanna sneak out at night

Your parents don't lock the bathroom door and you're ashamed to look whether they're in they're now or not

You wanna impress your friends

What do I do when it stops working?

Cast it again

If it didn't completely stop yet, you can cast the Timebending spell to set back the spell to factory settings

Effort: 2/5

Difficulty: 2/5

Have YOU ever wanted to really connect with your dog?? See how they see? smell like they smell? Run super fast? Have the urge to lick yours and other people’s asses??

Well, maybe witchcraft is the solution for you! Go big or go home, am I right?

Disclaimer: None of the members of this account recommend that you do any of these. This is a joke; please don’t do them. 

Lets start with vision

Why the fuck would you want to see like a dog? They cant even see all of the colors?? Idk, but I can help you out. 

You will need:

Candles

The eyeballs of a dog (how you obtain them is up to you. just make sure they still can work)

Eyedrops 

Pain Reliever

A medical professional

Pen

Paper

How to cast:

This is intense for the common sorcerer but it CAN be done. Light the candles so the room has a nice atmosphere. Use the pen and paper to write down everything you’d do with your new vision and find a medical professional. 

Give the Dr. the paper that you wrote and the two dog eyes. To see like a dog, you need to be part dog. (if you get what I’m hinting at)

There’s a good chance the Dr. will find you crazy and not go through with this spell!! That’s ok! This is a normal response to a situation like this!

If the Dr. does agree… don’t. Just stop. But i guess if you go through with it, moisten those eyes with eyedrops and load up on the pain reliever! It’ll be a rough recovery 

Smell

Ah yes, dogs can smell very well. As most of you know, a dogs sense of smell comes in great use on the daily. And now you, 

Yes you,

You can have the same smelling ability as a dog (wow) 

You will need:

Spices. Like a shit ton.

Rosemary 

Mint

Cinnamon 

Pepper

Basil

Chili powder

Garlic powder

Cocaine (if you wanna spice it up ;). You’ll understand later)

Tissue

snorting tool

flat surface

How to cast:

This one isn’t magic, unfortunately. This one requires practice. 

You just need to snort them all

Not all at once, of course. The point of snorting them is to get familiar with the scents. The more familiar you are with them, the easier it will be for you to recognize them. 

Soon enough, you’ll be able to smell/ recognize different scents from miles away! (if this doesn’t fuck up your nose)

Now you may ask- ‘isn’t there an easier way?’ Nope. There isn’t. Tough it out. 

Super Running Speed

Now this one; this one is useful. 

You will need:

pictures of fast people (Ex- Usain Bolt)

6 candles

little bit of dog hair

black paint (preferably acrylic because it is easy to clean up)

basic knowledge of latin or google translate

How to cast:

This is next level witchcraft so if this one doesn’t work on your first try, that is ok. I wouldn’t expect this spell to work on everyone. 

Firstly, take your black paint and make a pentagram. Place a candle of each of the corners and one in the middle. 

Then, take your pictures of the fast people and place them in each of the 5 points of the pentagram. They can all be the same person, but it is more beneficial to use different people.

Next, say “zoom zoom fast yes lets go run quick zoom zoom” 25 times in latin. I’m not going to give you the latin translation, because that is too much work to look up. Too lazy for that shit. 

Lastly, as you are saying the last round of the latin sentence, burn the little bit of dog hair you have with the candle placed in the middle. 

You should now be able to run as fast as a dog can, but if not, try putting your arms back and running like Naruto. In some cases, that helps to activate the spell. 

Anus Licking??

As hard as it is for me to say, this isn’t magic. This is just a kinky thing people do to spice up their sex life. If you’re into that, by all means go for it. 

Overall

Effort: 5/5

You will need:

A watch (Preferably one that is 10+ years of age)

3 candles

paper

pen

spices of your preference (Pumpkin Spice if you’re in the holiday mood)

pink salt

How to cast:

Take your three candles, arrange them into a triangle, light them, and set the watch in the middle. Make sure the candles are all evenly spaced away from the watch.

Take your paper and cut it up into as many pieces as you desire. Then write why you want the time to change. [Ex- I wish it was 9:00 pm so I could sleep.] Burn these with the candles you lit in the previous step.

When all is done, sprinkle spices and salt around so it appears you are doing something satanic (this sets the over all mood), and say- “I will be able to change time” 8 times fast. Remove the watch from the middle when you are ready.

Whatever time you set on the watch will be the ‘new time’

Effort: 3/5

Episode 1-The Black Ritual [Classic]

You need:

1L goat blood

a dark room

6 candles

A black sharpie

Paper

Pen

How to cast:

Draw a pentagram on the ground, place the candles on all edges and one in the middle.

Paint the space inside the pentagram with the blood, then write the name of the person you wanna curse above the pentagram.

Concentrate on the person, write the bad things you wish to happen to them on a piece of paper (one piece for one thing) and burn them at the candle in the mid.

Effort: 2/5

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My bitches are witches

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My bitches are witches

My bitches are witches

My bitches are witches

My bitches are witches

My bitches are witches

My bitches are witches