thought i should try to journal and reflect before i get high again lol

have been self-medicating a lot which doesn't work well with my sleep, fitness and diet goals. almost feels like self-sabotage. especially because i do it so often. but i come home and i want to do it. escapism? i'm trying to think about why i wanna smoke but i can't even pinpoint it necessarily.

stress of work

helps turn brain off

makes me lighter (emotionally)

at therapy we talked about why i am braver and more willing to take risks in my personal life (i'm traveling to japan with someone i met in bangkok and his boyfriend lol) and how i can take some of that mentality of "let it happen" and apply it to my work mindset. i think my brain is gentler to myself and more resilient when i smoke, which might be why i lean on it. even after work, my brain still feels like it's under duress and needs help letting go. i hope i can work on this and feel more at ease without using drugs.

is not knowing what to talk about at therapy a good topic to spend time on? i feel like i talk about the same things over and over again. what does that say about me as a person?

it's weird to be stuck in a cycle and know that something's not working but not really want to find a solution or break the pattern. i always repeat this behavior - in work and in romance.

why do i always want validation from people who don't give it to me? i don't understand why i care if griff sleeps with daniel or jo. i can't tell if i want g's sexual attention or if i hold some feelings of jealousy and comparison with d & j. somehow it always goes back to, am i not cute and fit enough? is that the only reason why people i'm attracted to don't reciprocate?

i think i get too self conscious and afraid of rejection to make bolder moves, and then i feel lacking/insecure when things don't happen for me the way they seem to for other people. but how much of that insecurity and pressure is internal internally vs. external via the gay experience? if i don't feel comfortable with PDA then why should i push myself to change? maybe i'm looking in environments that encourage a certain type of behavior when what's right for me is in a totally different space?

it's funny that gumpy just texted me to say that i should get a boyfriend lol.

i'll end this with three things i should stop doing and three things i'm proud/grateful for recently:

i should

be mindful about self medicating

go to sleep instead of procrastinating

focus on things that make me feel good instead of horny and desperate

i'm happy that i'm

being more open about my emotional slumps

making an effort to connect with friends

taking the time today to reflect on myself and my behavior

no matter what i do or what "mistakes" i make, i know i'm capable of demonstrating hard work, discipline, confidence, kindness and compassion - to/for myself and others - even if those qualities don't always show up in the same way or at the same intensity.

i haven't liked someone in a while so it kinda sucks that it's not being reciprocated. i feel like i always like people who don't like me back? i'm trying not to wallow in self-pity because i think it's annoying and unattractive but i also want to feel what i'm feeling and emerge from it having worked through my feelings instead of pushing them aside.

i guess i've been hanging on to some hope that maaaaybe there's a chance dw and i could explore a deeper relationship but i think he's just been avoiding rejecting me outright. although i guess last saturday when he told me that he wants me in his life in a different way than i do, that's about as direct as it gets. (i think that happened? i'm so frustrated with my relationship with alcohol right now.)

now i'm feeling insecure and sad because i think he's upset at me for being a lil crazy when i was drunk. i think 1) i'm annoyed at myself for behaving so out of character when i'm drunk and for being so bad at knowing my limits. i really need to stop taking the drinking so far. i feel so bad physically and emotionally afterward and it feels less and less worth the trouble. 2) i feel hurt/unwanted that the people i like rarely reciprocate the interest. maybe it's the feeling of comparison because i feel like i'm not that bad looking lol and i have some sort of superiority complex and think i'm smarter than most the guys around me. but despite that they always seem to direct their interest to other guys around me. i know it's mostly surface level attraction which shouldn't bother me too much. i have to work on self love and self confidence. i want to be someone who can be self-assured in face of rejection. what's up with the fear of rejection? i should talk about that at therapy too lol.

anyway, i care about dw as a person and as a friend, and if my trouble with maintaining platonic boundaries is threatening our relationship, i'd choose his friendship and presence inmy life over some romantic dream any day. i'll try my best to be more conscious of my behavior, to be a true friend, even if that feels a little shitty now. hopefully he replies to me soon and is not actually mad at me.

---

tarot reading

eight of pentacles, two of wands, seven of cups

impressions:

past - blossoming, growth

current - entanglement, parallel paths, separation

future - sense of loss, futile efforts of rescue

readings:

past - work, effort, repetition, focus, fixation

current - looking to future, preparing for a partnership/journey, reflection and decision-making, investment, longing

i still feel the same way. the relationship has fundamental issues and i don't think we should continue dating unless there are changes.

what changes?

at the risk of frustrating you with abstracts, i don't know if i have a concrete list of things that i think should be different. but i think you aren't honest about what you want in a relationship. and until you're able to address that with me in a honest, transparent and loving way, i think this relationship will always be hurtful towards me. can you do that?

if i must:

i need to know your boundaries, and for you to respect mine.

i want to tell you my feelings and not feel like they're dismissed. whether verbally or through action - like with the drinking and random sex.

i want to have a relationship that's open and transparent. i want you to try communicating. i don't want to feel like you're hiding your feelings from me - or straight up lying.

i don't want to break up, but i don't want to keep hurting myself. i love you, but i also need to love myself and do what i know is right for me.

---

"i can only tell you what i want (not to break up) and tell you that i understand what you want"

"i can tell you i'll try to be more cognizant but i understand words might not be enough at this point."

"i'm not sure what else to say"

feeling frustrated by what i perceive to be a lack of effort, lack of desire to step up. i thought about bringing up couples therapy but realized it would again be an attempt on my part, rather than his, to improve the relationship, and decided against it. after googling, it seems to be a thing many people (women) go through too.

i think i always have a wall up when it comes to my gay friends. i'm not sure why. i've known some of them for 5 years or so, but they still feel like "new" friends and i have trouble being really vulnerable with them. i guess it's something about the mix of craving genuine connection with the politics of desirability, since the lines between platonic and romantic are so often blurred in gay friendships -- or at least, my gay friendships.

i'm probably overdramatizing it a bit, but i hope writing about it will offer a little peace and clarity. i think the lack of self-confidence in my appearance affects the way i approach my gay friendships, as if my presence in itself is imposition because i perceive myself as less attractive than the people around me. which, i know inside, is completely stupid, very mean girls, and not something i should rationally be concerning myself with. but it does create a pang in my heart to think (see?) other people, who i've made efforts to befriend and get close to, seemingly find closeness with each other while i still feel a sense of distance. i see how they get close to each other and how they blur the lines of platonic/sexual/romantic friendship with one another so easily, and it makes me wonder if one. it's because they're hot and i'm not and/or two. how much of it is my own insecurity informing and affecting the way i approach and interact with them. (also, no one is owed physical touch, and i know that completely.)

anyway, with rj totally ignoring me, my inclination was, and still is, to assume that i did something to upset him. that has to be insecurity talking. i've been so kind to him. others joke that he's vapid, but i've never talked badly about him, and i actually enjoy our friendship, so this sudden ghosting/silent treatment has (somewhat unexpectedly) been upsetting. but i want to shake off this feeling that it's because of something i did because there's no reason why that would be, and it must be stemming from a place of insecurity and overcompensation. also, i've already done what i can to reach out. i have got to understand how to let go and to process rejection in a healthier way.

i also got a message from jc that just rubbed me the wrong way. i asked him how the museum hangout went to make conversation and check in on him. to bring up "i just invited whoever was free" out of nowhere felt unnecessarily calculated, like he wanted to get ahead of me asking why i wasn't invited. i will concede that i am feeling sensitive right now and am probably perceiving things in a more spiteful/cynical way than usual. i've always enjoyed jc's company and i don't think he meant any harm by what he said. i think it hit a sore spot because of this gap in desirability i perceive between me and him/his friends. we're supposed to be close, but i don't feel like he puts in the effort to include me in his hangouts, pregames and events. i also feel this weird jealousy when i see him and griffin. but again, i'm not owed anything, and i can never know for sure whether any of this has to do with my level of attractiveness. i have to be able to process that and move on.

this feeling is inadequacy is really annoying and i want to shake it off. but as i typed that, i also understood that it's important to sit with it and try to understand it.

where is it coming from -> stemming from a place of insecurity, not feeling attractive or wanted what does it want -> to feel cared for, to feel valued, to feel desired how can that happen -> to be invited out, to be reached out to first

i don't know that this really gets into the jealousy of seeing my friends sexually attracted to each other, but we can tackle that another day, lol.