Hemlock

Please call me Hemlock.

I might not be here for a long time. Im very jaded and apathetic because I reached my limit a long time ago and only live out of pettiness now.

Im schizophrenic.

I dont have a DNI just dont be a cunt about this.

I use this to log relapses and injuries. They dont all have to be self-inflicted. If I dont log them i forget. If I forget then I cant tell people about them and get "help".

This is all you need to know, and all you will ever know. You will not know who I really am or if im still around. You will forget about this random person under the alias "Hemlock" and it will remain this way.

Cw: cvts. Bl**d

Cw: Cvts, fresh blood.

Relapse

Total marks: 3

Location: Right Thigh

Depth: 0.5 cm (EST)

Blood: yes

Cleaned: no

Photos: yes

Would that be okay

"You were the popular kid!"

Thanks.

I hate it.

"Pretty" is a curse.

It means no one listens to you. Your pain means nothing because on the outside your looks must mean you have no problems.

Pretty is the label they put on girls to invalidate their bad feelings.

Because you can't be upset if your pretty, right?

I need to be fatter. I struggled with ARFID my entire life and could hardly eat. I was always practically skin&bones and I hated when people complimented my figure. I still do. I hate it so much. I always envied people bigger than me because it showed they could do something I couldn't, they could eat. And I hate it when I hear people wish they could be like me, im hungry all the time but everything I eat gets rejected by my body. Ive almost starved on multiple occasions because everything was being rejected.

Everything I DID manage to eat went to my thighs and thats why I started cutting them. I wished so hard it would go somewhere else, somewhere higher. I wanted a tummy like my kind friends who ate more than me. I wished I was comfortable to hug like that, because when other people had weight I could feel their warmth, but they can't feel mine.

"Your so lucky to be skinny like that!" "Your my body goals!" "Do you eat?"

I hate that my decaying body is a "non issue" to people. The only way I managed to get myself to finally be just a tiny bit less skinny was because of weed and the appetite it gave me. If im high I can eat something actually nutritious without it just coming back up the moment it goes down my throat..

But I've had to take long breaks from it. I cant let myself get addicted because its caused me harm to be in that state all the time, I've been hurt for being vulnerable like that and it makes me terrified to get dependent on anything or anyone.

I just want to be someone else's warmth.

And my blood is the only warmth i have to give.

No one ever actively looks for the signs. It doesn't matter how close you are to them.

Relapse

Total marks: 9

Location: Left & right arms.

Depth: Small.

Blood: Yes

Cleaned: Yes

Photos: None