Beautiful Struggle

Thanks to you

I hate the moments just after I shower When I stand in front of the mirror As water pools beneath my feet And there is no barrier between me and my thoughts I hate how I can’t ignore The red lines marring my skin Showing proof of yet another battle I lost in my mind Proof that I’m not strong enough I hate how I can’t rip my eyes away from my body And in my mind plays a deafening loop Of every word one should never call anyone Especially not themselves I hate how I notice every flaw And pick myself apart Until I feel that I am nothing Because that’s what I am I hate those moments when I first step out of the shower When I look in the mirror But I can no longer recognize the person staring back I hate looking at this stranger before me I hate the emptiness in my eyes I hate the person I’ve become That I turned myself into I hate these moments after I shower When I am weak and I am vulnerable And I can’t help but see everything that’s wrong with me

And around this time last year, I was leading every guy I could on. Not on purpose, I was just trying to fill the hole you left in my chest.

I’m empty. I have run out of poetry. There is nothing poetic left in these hands. This mouth has nothing left that isn’t coarse and harsh and hard. There are only so many things I can say and a limit on the ways to say them. I’m empty. Again.