“The first part, sure. The second part? No. It’s still the impulsive choice, the irrational choice. Even more blatantly so now.” Tyl said, sighing and standing once more, brushing away dirt that just could not have been on his robes. “My situation isn’t like yours. I might very well be trading my future happiness for a little bit of happiness now.” He pressed his lips into a thin line. “I think it’s time we went back.”
Helga chuckled. “See, now you do sound like my father.” She watched Tyl get up, not moving herself for now. “The thing is, after Schluchtenburg, I can still go back to being a dutiful mother, I can still marry and shut my mouth. But if I had never come here? I would have never had the chance to go back to that crossroad and take that path. I’d be stuck with wondering forever how it would have been to take this path. A path, by the way, I can’t regret because even if it’s crazy and an impulsive, irrational path, it was at least-, at least for those three years, worth-while.” A little worth-while, yet so much more worth-while than her entire life before Schluchtenburg had been. She sighed and got up, too. “Let’s go get your piece of gold. After all, you’re stuck here with me for another year, so you better fuck up your things right now already.”
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Tyl pursed his lips when she fell backwards. He did not do the same, but he allowed himself to relax a little, reminding himself that he had enchanted his ceremony robes himself to keep them from dirtying. He tilted his head at this response. “Would you believe me if I said I know what you mean?”
Helga opened her eyes and squinted up at Tyl. She hardly saw his face from where she was now, but she did not need to. “Yeah.” she said. “And that if that’s the case, you’ll figure out how to pick the right path. After all, I only spoke about the path that was the best choice for me, but as you listened, you probably kept imagining the one path that suited my description best, no?” She closed her eyes. Just a moment. Then they’d go back inside. Just another little moment of fresh air. “You don’t exactly know why and how, but you already know which one you’ll choose.”
Tyl would be surprised to hear so many truths, had he not inexplicably offered so many as well. He looked at her and considered her answer. He had an inkling of how she felt, but he was not constantly fighting to prove himself. Suddenly he understood her answer better, of wanting to be Tyl. He crossed his hands over his chest. “And are you done clearing yourself of the thought that you’re crazy for wanting what you want? Do you belief in yourself and your decision now?”
Helga snorted out a laugh. “No.” She fell backwards into the grass, crossing her arms behind her head and shook her head. “I doubt there’s ever going to be that one moment where I’ll suddenly be convinced of it all and never doubt myself again.” Not until she was completely done with it all, not until she had fully succeeded. Maybe. “But sometimes, from time to time, there’s something that happens, a small moment where I’m just ... happy, so happy that I know that this was the right decision. That it all makes sense again. That it doesn’t mater if it’s crazy or not, because it just feels ... right.”
Tyl self-consciously touched his own nose, before catching himself and putting his hand down. “That’s fair. And who do you have to prove to that this was the right decision, apart from yourself?”
Helga didn’t even know why she told Tyl all this but she knew that she was too tired to come up with witty responses and anything but the truth. “Everyone who thought I was crazy for wanting what I wanted? My father, before all. But also my teachers, my grandparents, my house maid, Richard Bignose and then, once I was here, Klein and-, and Mangin and Merle and Maya and Adelger and every single fucking person who gives me that fucking look of ‘You need to relax, why are you always so intense’ when they don’t even know that if I’m not giving my very best I’m the prime example of why someone like me shouldn’t want something like tha and-...” She stopped herself, blinked, glanced at Tyl, then sighed and shook her head. “Anyway. Everyone. The only person who believes in me and my decision is my mother.”
Tyl vaguely recalled his conversations with Helga, the ones that weren’t all acid and glares, and wondered if it had anything to do with those. He looked at her for a few moments, wrinkling his forehead. “And what path is that?”
Helga huffed out a laugh and rolled her eyes, motioning vaguely at everything around them. “This. Being here. Not doing what I was supposed to be. Not marrying Richard and his big nose, not forcing myself into a corset and bearing his big-nosed children, not accepting that my father never wanted me to have my own wand! Being free. Being-..” She frowned, then rolled her eyes again. “Being happy, I guess.”
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“I’ll do my best,” Adelger assured her, still smiling even as Helga made sure to check all of his protections. Even as she paused and looked at him over the small laugh that had escaped him. He smiled as his cheeks gained a little colour. He did not let this distract him and still listened attentively—a bit with that straight-As student attitude—as she explained why they had to wear so many protections. “Oh, I see now why you did not object so strongly to teach,” he joked. “Just waiting to throw balls at me. I see, I see…” And in the end it was Adelor’s name to made his smile waver and disappear.
“I do trust you,” he said, letting the corners of his lips tug up again. “So, lead on, oh my captain. I’m ready as I can be. Unless there something else we need..” And he glanced around not really believing they needed more than all the protections he was wearing—helmet included—and the broom he had with him.
“Wrong attitude, Mister.” Helga replied, opening the door of the shed and smirking a little too broadly for it not to look like a held-back, soon-to-break-forth laugh. “Was that not the initial plan? Feel a little bit superiour over Adelger Graf? If throwing you of your broom with a Quaffle boosts my ego, you know I’ll do it.” But it was the fact that she even dared speaking so openly about her ‘ego’, about her fear of never being enough that already proved how little she still cared about wanting to see Adelger fail. In a way she would always think him superiour, but her reasons for that had changed. Just like her lesson for today had changed. She did not want to see Adelger fall off his broom and fail. But she also did not want to just learn him how to catch a Quaflle and succeed in this game. This was Adelger, of course he’d succeed at it eventually. No, she wanted him to learn how to see that there was beauty in the chaos and roughness of Quidditch, in being submitted to your team-mate’s actions, in having to let loose and trusting the hands of another. Lesson one had been trusting yourself. Lesson two was trusting others. “Yes, we do.” Helga grinned and nodded towards a big, wooden box that stood by the door. She opened it and took out the large, heavy Quaffle. “Something to play with.” Then she grinned at Adelger again, climbed on her broom, and lifted off the ground.
“No. I’m not going to eat you. Or turn you into a ghost. Or a were-panther. Or whatever. However I would certainly help you if you chose to try this. You could be the next. Or is it still a ‘no’?” Merle said giggling in response to Helga’s words and touches. “Oh you…” She mumbled sighing, her mouth close to Helga’s ear; she was suddenly feeling light-headed, her heart was pounding fast and loud in her chest, and she could do nothing to stop another chuckle from escaping her lips. “Alright…” She replied staring at that grin for a little while before meeting her friend’s gaze. “I don’t want to forget about you. I–” She hesitated briefly, her expression softened even more and an intense blush spread across her face. However when she repeated Helga’s words her voice was confident and determined. “I agree. I won’t let us either.”
So Merle would do nothing unless Helga requested it. For an inexplicable reason, this had her laugh. “An indefinite ‘no’ to all of it until I’ve figured things out. I’ll remember this, be aware. I’ll definitely get back to you for this one day.” It was as much of a playful threat as it was a promise. There were of course still all those doubts, doubts about herself being so much less worth than Merle Gaunt, doubts about Merle sincerely having reasons to tie the knots of their friendship in the future too, but she pushed them aside now. It was a promise, because despite all those doubts, she was willing to do a lot to make Merle happy. To see her smile. “Alright.” Helga nodded, gazing at the smile as long as she could, admiring it, letting its sight burn itself an eternal picture into her mind, before pulling Merle back into her embrace and hiding her face in Merle’s hair again. And why not? She had promised it. There’d be plenty of smiles in the future.
Adelger twisted his lips at the promise of a treat—it was just a reflex, because he didn’t mind the idea too much since he trusted Helga not feed him something he wouldn’t like. “Book-ish,” he repeated, trying to sound offended but failing since there was this clear note of mirth in his voice. “I’ll try not to quote my Quidditch books too well,” he joked.
He dared a glance in her direction when she spoke up and smiled at her. “Thank you,” he said, holding his wrist out for her to fix his mistake. He kept his eyes on her movements so he would remember in the future how to do it by himself. “Oh, okay, I can feel why is that.” And there was this tiny sound—small, brief, and clearly close to a giggle—when he finally could bend his thumb. “Yes, Captain.” Adelger went to the shelf and picked a helmet. “Lots of protections.. aren’t they a bit limiting?” He was not used to this and it felt a little weird.
“Yes, please, tone down the Straight-A student inside of yourself there.” Helga chuckled, bumping her shoulder against Adelger’s amicably. “You’ll see, it’s all a bit different than in theory once you’re on the broom, on the pitch.” Just because she could, she brushed her hands over the protections on Adelger’s ribcage, his shoulders, his elbows, checking if everything was sitting well despite knowing that of course it did. Adelger was more than capable of dressing himself. But still she could not help herself checking and making sure. It was the laugh, this tiny chuckle, that had her pause. She looked at him, her hands hovering in the air still as he turned to get his helmet. “it is.” she then said, shaking her head and smiling to herself as she put on her own helmet. “And we’re not always wearing all of it, but even the nicest ball, the Quaffle, is fucking brutal when you fail to catch it properly, or fail to avoid it.” She did not plan on releasing the Bludgers just yet. “And you’re in the rings first, so that means I get to throw it at you as hard as I can.” She grinned and stood on her tiptoes, knocking on Adelger’s helmet. “Trust me. You don’t want to know how your brother looked like after his first training.”
“Sounds like a solid, well-thought plan.” Merle laughed and laughed as Helga replied and joked and commented. “I’m the one saying it, apparently.” She pointed out pulling her head back so that she could properly look at her. “But I might be willing to admit that maybe you are right, maybe I’m assuming too much.” She shrugged and smiled. “I guess only time will tell.” Merle said, jokingly, but as she spoke her gaze was drawn to Helga’s lips once more; she paused and let out a soft sigh without even realizing it. “Right?”
“Of course it is. D’you want to be my accomplice? I turn you into a panther, you turn me into a ghost?” There certainly was something deathful about the way Merle’s laugh made Helga feel like. Her heart was missing so many beats, beating so heavily when it did, that it surely would not take much to kill her off. So it was definitely good that Merle leaned back. “No. Time is a resentful bitch, she never tells anything.” Helga grinned, shaking her head. “But no reason to worry anyway.” She set her tea cup aside and brought her arm back around Merle’s shoulder, pulling her in in a way that allowed her to be close, allowed her to nuzzle Merle’s hair, to breathe her scent one last time, to collect herself for a moment, without feeling like she had to resist something, without having to lose the lightness of her play. “You already told me what you wanted. Or at least you told me you didn’t want us to forget about each other. So I won’t let us. I will neither burn us, nor let time eat away on us. If-, If that’s what you want, then we’ll get after it.” And she pulled back just a little to give it a confident, reassuring nod and a grin. “Then that’s all I want, too.”
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Tyl scrunched his nose as he listened. This had all began with that, right? Rationalizing something that he ought to have stopped from the first moment, and finding in the end that he was knee deep in it already. He thought about her words. While there was truth to them, it still advocated the impulsive choice, the perhaps possibly irrational choice. He tensed his jaw a little bit. He did not like wandering. What point was there, when he could just make the right choice the first time around and waste no time? He looked at his hands. But which choice could he not go back to? That was clear enough. Without having to think about, really, with the way it made his heart beat at the thought. He took a moment to swallow, to regain his composure. “What troubles you?”
No response. Helga took it with ease. In no sense of anything was it her job to care about Tyl Herrlich. Not in the friendship kind of way, not in the Head of Haus kind of way. But she gave him a glance anyway, a brief look of seeing if, perhaps, there was something to read in his face. There was. But she could not read it. So she shrugged. “I’m you in a few years. I chose a path and now I have to prove everyone that it was the right one to take. Myself included.” She ran her hand through her hair. “Thought it would all be easier.”
“Hmm. Hoarding chores throughout eternity? Have you decided what your ghost name is going to be? Something evocative.” Merle joked along, shaking slightly her head. “I’m quite fond of my memories. I don’t want anything to eat them away.” She smiled, amused and content, and, as she allowed Helga to take care of the blanket and of her hair, color and warmth rose to her cheeks once more. “Thank you,” she murmured. ”Not even? Maybe.” She chuckled lightly. ”Good for you,” she said gently nudging Helga’s side. “But…” Instead of pulling back, she kept leaning against the other woman, looking at her up close. “How much should I worry? Insanely much?”
Helga laughed again. "On the contrary! I’ll be one of the chores! I’ll make someone take care of me!” But Merle wasn’t that wrong. Even as a ghost, she’d probably run after people to keep things good for everyone. "You gotta keep them fresh, then.” Helga smiled before pretending to bite the air along with a little ‘rawr’. “Yeah, not even you.” Not even Merle Gaunt, the haunter of dreams, the blusher of pink, the rhythm of hearts. Not even her. With the amused smile still on her lips, Helga let Merle lean closer, neither moving back nor letting her gaze be drawn down to the soft features of her face. “You assume quite a lot, Merle Gaunt.” There was a chuckle in her voice. “Who says me going after what I want will affect you in any way?” The answer to that was obvious, but she wanted to hear Merle’s anyway.
Merle’s gaze fell to Helga’s lips and it lingered on them, the sight tempting her, making her hesitate for the briefest moment before she could look back up and find her eyes again. She was smiling back, broadly and brightly as well. “And you are not leaving? Never? Are you going to move here? Maybe even take over the presidency?” She jokingly asked, with a playful note in her voice, like she was daring her to do so. “Fine.” She slightly bowed her head, accepting the request. “As you wish.” She chuckled. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Okay, fair.” Helga laughed. Sometimes it was difficult to think of a future far ahead when the close-distanted future held so much in store. How to ponder about what came after Schluchtenburg, if she first had to figure out Year Three? “Who knows, maybe I don’t? Maybe I just die here and stay in the halls forever, as a ghost, haunting everyone! Sounds fun, no?” Step by step, right? Step by step by step by step and the skill to run would come by itself. “Figure it out fast, Gaunt,” she smiled, looking down at her cup, “or before we know it, we’ll have danced around the sun and time will eat away on our memories.” She glanced at Merle from the side, then reached out to mindlessly readjust the blanket around her shoulders, the stray strands of her hair. What Merle had said was still in her mind. That determination. ”No one can stop the earth from rotating, not even a Merle Gaunt.” And she wondered if Merle could hear the But that came with that. She dropped her hand and shrugged. “As for me, I know what I want and what I can do. So don’t think I’m not going after it. Not going after it was never an option.” And her smile grew into a playful, wide grin.
“Don’t blame yourself for your feelings. As banal as it might sounds, you feel what you feel.” Merle simply stated, then she leaned a little closer to Helga and whispered. “Thank you for the warning. I’ll keep that in mind.” She said and smiled, warmly, fondly, without pulling her hands away. “So, Helga, what are we going to be once we leave Schluchtenburg? Friends or strangers?”
A smile came to curve Helga’s lips. “I’m not.” she said, simply, because it was simple. When Merle took her hands away, Helga nodded towards them. “Who says I was done eating that?” But she was joking and made no effort to chase after them. Instead she brought her hand back around her tea cup, and although the tea was still warm, it almost felt cold underneath her palm. For a moment she looked at the dark liquid, watched it glisten in the moon light as Merle’s previous words still danced through her mind. A chuckle escaped her and she looked back up. “You’re the one leaving Schluchtenburg, Gaunt.” she said, and sounded neither timid nor doubtful. On the contrary, her smile was broad and bright. Only her chin was a little more cocked up than usually. “And you’re the one who does not want to be forgotten. So I suggest you use your new-found panther powers to sneak into the school from time to time and come and get what you want.”
*I think she grew out of her home the way people grow out of sweaters. But it’s still a very beloved sweater, and though she knows she’ll never be fully herself there, she has no urge to leave.
*She is certain that she’ll marry one day, and that this new place will be her new home.
Abilities:
Physical strength: Quite strong, she trained hard
Magical strength: Mediocre but solid, she trained hard
Other skills: Quidditch and Gymnastics
Relationships:
Are they a virgin?: No
Have they been in love?: No, though she thought so, many times
Do they want to get married?: Yes
Are they in love right now?: No, but she does have strong feelings for Merle Gaunt, which make her realise that the feelings she previously had for people did not nearly come close to ‘love’
Relationships:
Best friend: Adelger Graf
Good friend: Merle Gaunt, Falka Weber
Favourites:
Place
*at Schluchtenburg? Haus Silber, amongst her students, especially the crowded, messy dining hall, even if she so often complains about being stressed there. She also loves her secret retrieve in the backrooms of the library.
*at home? The porch outside where she can watch people pass.
*in the whole world? I think Helga is someone who doesn’t like places, but the people who reside there. Her favourite place in the whole world could thus be somewhere she can be free and herself, somewhere with someone she likes.
Physical characteristics:
Hair cut: Short and wild
Mannerisms: Snorts and throws her head back when she laughs, runs her hand through her hair when nervous or flustered, cocks up her head when intimidated and tries to assert herself, strides, speaks loudly and with a low rough voice
Style: She wears her underwear as though it’s a pair of proper pants. No jewellery, no hats.
Usual Body Posture: Shoulders drawn back, arms crossed or put into her sides, legs standing far apart
Confidence: Higher than at the beginning of the year, but still not as high as she acts like. However, she also acts less confident now. It’s more a natural kind of confidence now.
Goals:
Short-term goals for next year: Become Head of Haus Silber and be a good one, serve Schluchtenburg in Loriot’s intentions and make sure that the students under her care are safe and happy. Not lose sight of Adelger and Merle.
*How will they achieve them? By staying strong and not letting people talk nonsense into her, by trusting herself
Long-term goals in life: Prove her father she can be more than just a serving wife. She still wants to marry and be a mother, but she wants to go into politics and her family’s estate’s economies and won’t stop until she gets that.
*How will they achieve them? By being a good Head of Haus and getting good grades.
Opinions:
On love? She believes in it but perhaps fears it a little.
On politics? She’s involved.
On Muggles? She believes they should not be kept away from the Wizarding Society anymore.
On Squibs? No particular opinion, but if asked, she’d probably conclude that they deserve more rights, too.
On differences such as sexuality or race or religions? She is the definition of differences.
How do they deal with
anger? Flames, fire, burning rage
sadness? Sucks it up, going for a walk, hiding until it gets better
change? She deals with it sensibly. It is not change she fears, but the reasons that cause it.
Short-term goals for this year: Remain free
This line had me smile, because it sums up Helga’s arch very well. Her goal used to be nothing but free, to escape everything she was groomed to be and turn her back to society and rules. She didn’t want to marry, she sneered at love, and had no real friends. Almost all of those things have changed now.
She has returned to the person she grew up to be, the Helga Bergher who was going to be a mother and a caring-figure for those younger than her. But her motivations for it have changed. Did she do all that because it was her father who had forced her to play that role, it is now no role anymore at all. She grew into the person she had always been, someone who indeed cares for the safety and happiness of others, someone who is nurturing and respects rules that seem useful.
Of course, she has still troubles showing it, and of course, her arch is not yet completed. It will take another year for her to fully become the Mother she was formed to be, but then she’ll be a Mother in the broadest sense of the word.
She will take responsibility for her own and other’s actions in the world, and make sure that no one under her protection will ever be harmed. She will not follow, she will lead, in one way or another, and she will do it by nurturing a cause she believes in, a world she wishes to see happy. Because of a yet undiscovered illness of her womb, she will never have children of her own, no, and because of her newly discovered sexuality, she will never marry, but she will take care of many, many children one day, opening Muggle primary schools in her family’s land and ensuring that young witches of all classes and ages get the education they deserve. She will not sit still and let the world take care of her. She will rise and take care of it.
She just doesn’t know of it yet.
For now she is uncertain, more uncertain than she’s ever been. But in the next following months, without noticing it, she’ll become just what she needs to one day be sure of exactly who and what she wants to do. Needs to do. For there will be no freedom to her anymore, no selfish detachment from everything else. Freedom to her now can only be achieved if the world around her, too, can be free.
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“I’m familiar with what a Beater does on a Quidditch team… and I guess I can see how her having that particular role could apply in real life. A Beater protects their team-mates, but it also attacks their opponents,” Adelger said, looking at Helga for confirmation.
“Knitting socks?” He joked. “Hmm,” he hummed as he started putting the various things on. “I think they do…? If.. I have put them on correctly, that is..”
Yes, what Adelger said was absolutely right and also very well phrased, but-... Helga laughed. “Yes, right.” she said, but couldn’t hide how amused she was about the way Adelger had said all that. “Remind me to give you a treat for that.” But she didn’t want Adelger think she was mocking him, so after another laugh escaped, she shook her head and explained herself. “I’m sorry. It’s just-, The way you said that. It was so ... book-ish. Dutiful, like recited.” Like an adorable student.
Helga snorted out a laugh. She was about to reply when she was reminded of something, and it ha her pause. She looked over her shoulder at Adelger, then shook her head and went back to dressing up. The uniform was easily put on, and so were the protection pieces. Still tightening her knee-caps, she turned back to Adelger. A smile appeared on her face. “Yes. Looks good. But you might want to readjust the wrist one. I think you put them on upside down. Let me see. Yeah. Wait. Look, it’ll be much more comfortable for your thumb if you put them on like this, here.” She fixed the twisted wrist-cap, nodding towards the shelf. And get a helmet. Can’t have your skull bust into pieces.”
A whip. Irmin almost beaming smile now was holding off a laugh, but he failed and let out a brief chuckle. “Ah, don’t say it like that, please, or I may try to get you to sport a whip and try to use it on me,” he joked, but then there was that look of mischief in his eyes that could easily cast a shadow of doubt if he was joking or being serious. Maybe a mix of both. “Myself, my companion, my friends. Yes,” he nodded, “ I’ll remember to do that.” Because in a way it was his desire to not let Adelor down even more that allowed him not to fuck up too much this last stretch, and now his promise to Helga would also help him stay in line.
For once in her life, Helga did not mind Irmin’s grin and laugh. It had been a joke, after all. “Of course you might.” she sighed and shook her head. Then she lifted the cup to her lips and drank until the still-warm liquid spread heat through her body. She leaned back on the mattress-couch-construction and closed her eyes. “I hope you’ll be doing okay, Von Sachs. Whatever the fuck your weird-ass brain ends up making you do, as long as it’s far away from me, I hope you’ll be doing okay.”
