Helen.Estela

I used to have these friends who told me everything about me was wrong. Because I am depressed and have anxiety and don’t do anything to help myself. I approach situations looking for ways to get angry. And these friends can foresee how I will react to certain events and, therefore, save themselves the trouble of having to call me or respond to my texts or calls. Because they have already decided in their minds that I am not trying and will never change.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

You really hurt me at a time when I could not be lower. I just got fired, for fuck’s sake, and that’s the time you decide to tell me what you perceive is wrong with me, that we’re not that close, that I’m a “fucking toxic witch.” What did I do to deserve this?

It’s not just you. Erinn doesn’t call me or return messages or calls anymore either unless it suits her. And I am just fucking done. I am suicidal, depressed, unemployed, utterly alone in this shit town and have an anxiety disorder. And you people can’t take five minutes out of your oh-so-busy lives to help me, to stop and say “Hey, how you doing?”

Fucking please. We’ve all got problems, and we could all help each other out. What’s stopping you? Really?

Because it’s not me. I have done all I could. Can you say the same? I always offered advice when I was asked. I always called or texted back. I always treated you with kindness and respect because I truly wanted to be your friend. I wanted to be a part of your life, and you rejected me when things got tough. Why did you give up on me?

I’ve been seeing a counselor since September. I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist in October for January. In January, I began taking medication that has helped tremendously. I was going to work earlier. I was excited about getting stories done. Until my friends “broke up” with me. Then I got fired. And still you tore me down, slug your barbs and petty insults, and as far as I know, you have not looked back.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, your boyfriend dumped you, which you decided to bring up on my birthday so we had to talk about you, and then got fired. You swallowed a bottle of Tylenol in response. Did I fucking judge you for that? Did I tell you that you needed to get your shit together and that "only you can help yourself." No, I expressed concern and told you I wish you would have called me. Because I would have been there.

What’s funny about these “friends” is they don’t have an iota of the life experience I do. You do not know what it’s like to have your best friend of 20-years take a hike one day because she would rather be a devout Christian than friend to an atheist. You do not know what it is like when two of your male friends rape you (not concurrently) because you had too much to drink and couldn’t say no, couldn’t realize what was going on. You do not know what it is like to lose every grandparent you have. You have never been sued for a car wreck that wasn’t your fault and still lingers in court almost 3 years later. You did not move away to go to college. But you know exactly how I should live my life, and that is advice I never would have foisted upon you. I always supported your decisions, even if I did not agree with them. I was there. Where were you?

You know what I have to say to that? To these friends for whom I was always there when asked?