Held The Hand Of The Devil

The pain of sacrificing our old selves is nothing compared to the joy of Christ living in us in our transformed lives. -A.W. Tozer

Today is sweet. Today, I am resting in the tender proclamation of my newness. Kingdom has come. It arrives daily, along with my newness. How rich is the joy that comes from our newness in Christ! How benevolent is the God that invites us to be washed white as snow! How wondrous is a Creator that is also a Father, a son, and a friend. Hallelujah!

As of recently, conviction has humbled and quieted me as I think of how selective my hearing is with God. I rest in and listen to what pleases me. It is not a new idea that there will be things in our human lives that please us but that we must sacrifice for the Father’s kingdom. The most prevalent example in my life is drinking. I love going out to a bar with friends, I love social settings, and I love it while I’m drunk. For so long, I tried fervently to change that desire. I have prayed passionately about this issue for months, “Jesus, help me to not want this for myself. Have your desires become my desires. Take this longing to be intoxicated away.” Those are appropriate prayers that he has answered in ways different than what I was expecting…but as I have wrestled with this temptation, Jesus has laid the word sacrifice in my lap.

Does Jesus have the power to completely take away my yearning to go out and drink? Absolutely. But he hasn’t, and I fully believe that it’s to show me a picture of a daughter sacrificing desires for a Father who has sacrificed LIFE for her. We must sacrifice similarly as we love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:19) We must sacrifice because he sacrificed for us. We must sacrifice because we want to be faithful children. I must sacrifice because I don’t want part of God, or part of his kingdom, or a little bit of his joy or his grace. I want all of it in whole. If I’m not sacrificing and surrendering things that I need to, how can I fully receive him? If there are things in the way, how will I reach him?

I stress that it has not been easy. Because he is a good Father, he tests me to make me better, and these tests of temptation are hard. One mustn’t overlook that it is difficult to sacrifice our desires. So my prayer has morphed into, “Father, I really want to do this. Help me fight this, make me strong to fight this temptation.” The holy spirit has been nothing short of faithful. In my sacrifice, as I wave goodbye to the selfish, drunk Kristen, the woman and daughter of God that I was created to be begins to surface.

In sacrificing this desire for Christ, I have found an abundance of freedom. Simply put – it is so powerful to say, “Jesus, I am giving this up because I love you, I want to walk with you, I want to be obedient to you, I want all of you.” Surrender has empowered me and pushed me to be a more unswerving daughter. Sacrifice is me answering to Jesus’s invitation into newness. As A.W. Tozer stated, nothing can amount to the joy that fills us when we step into the new life Jesus hands us. The “pain” of sacrificing drunkenness does not even come close to the joyous new life my Father has offered me.

I encourage you to unpack these verses and their passages; they have spoken so much truth into my sacrificial life.

Matthew 19:21, “Jesus said to him, ‘If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.'”

Romans 12:1, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship.”

Ephesians 5:15-20, “Be very careful then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

So what do you need to lay at the feet of Jesus? What do you need to sacrifice? Maybe you spend every dollar you get your hands on…you spend and spend and spend on things of this world and it engulfs you and distracts you from Jesus. Maybe sexual sin has you tied down…you enjoy sex or porn and aren’t willing to give it up. You might idolize your partner, or a friend, or a celebrity, rather than the true Idol. Jesus already knows the darkness of what you need to sacrifice, he knows what is in the way, he knows all of it. Whatever it is – I encourage you and urge you to seek forgiveness, to invite the holy spirit in, and to sacrifice. Your heavenly Father is inviting you into newness.

I spent the celebration of Jesus's birth with loving family members, stuffing our faces with chocolate and carbs. I experienced one of the sweetest reunions with the kind of friends people only dream of having. I heard some of the most intelligent Christ followers speak and gain the smallest fraction of their wisdom. Through all of those events, hugs, meals and plane rides, Jesus has cornered me. In the last few months, depression and thoughts of suicide have swallowed me whole. The enemy, this world and my very human brain have taken over. I found myself in a place, mentally and spiritually, that I could've never imagined. Never did I think I would be in as dark of a place that I have been, never did I think my brain would produce thoughts that it has. I am sure that more tears have come from the last few months than all the tears I've ever cried put together. Jesus was extremely present through it all, he held me so sweetly during the darkest of nights. But even so, there was a disconnect. I was anything but in-step with the Holy Spirit. (Gal 5:25)

I had completely forgotten what Jesus's love feels like. I knew he loved me. But did I really believe that in my heart? Ask me 1 year ago, "Have you felt the love of Jesus Christ?" I'd say, "Yeah, of course. He gave his life for me, nails pierced through his hands and feet for me. He did that despite my sin and human ways. He rose from the dead. He wants a relationship with me. He loves me…I've felt it, I know that." I now cannot put into words for you how the pure love of Jesus actually feels. I sit here now with my electric blanket, in the middle of my winter break, heart overflowing with God-given joy. I've woken up every morning with butterflies in my tummy. Even if I tried, I cannot seem to shed the feeling of being so in love. I cannot stop smiling. I cannot stop skipping around the house. He's all I talk about at the dinner table. "Mom, are you aware of our new identity in Christ? Because I just can't get over our new identity in Christ. I am going NUTS over our new identity in Christ. Isn't it CRAZY how we are new in Christ!?!?!" (2 Cor 5:17, Rom 6:6) Listen up world - I am so in love with Jesus and I am going to shout it from the rooftops. I am his and he is mine. I am in love.

There was a moment I realized what Jesus was doing. I was on a plane six days ago, heading home from Passion. I was exhausted but refusing to sleep because there is nothing I hate more than being inside an airplane. Anxiety, at the thought of falling 30,000 feet from the sky, was at full strength. But Passion's "Your Grace Amazes Me" was speaking truth into my ears.

"Where else could I go? Where else could I run, but to Your arms? There's no height, no depth You can't reach. And nothing in this world could ever come between us. Jesus, I am Yours."

In those moments of anxiety on that plane, I had no choice but to trust Jesus. It was 100% out of my control, and 100% in his hands. Just as it should be. All I had to do was sit. Bob Goff describes it like this, "Jesus will use whatever circumstances he can to woo us back into love with him." Not only on that plane, but in my life and with my current emotional circumstances, where else could I run? Where else was I going to go? Jesus had cornered me, he had been the whole time. He has constantly been piling things up to prove himself faithful; opportunities to get to know the most loving communities, a new church, an amazing therapist, wise mentors, reunions with friends who kept pointing to Jesus, sweet embraces from family members…I could go on forever! Then to top it all off, my Father sat me down on that plane, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Sweet daughter of mine! I have cornered you. You have nowhere else to run, you have no choice but to trust in me. I have fought for you, and I have won. I will always win."

As my plane reached higher altitudes, I thought of one of the first verses I ever memorized. Exodus 14:14 says, "The Lord himself will fight for you, you only need to be still." I have adored and connected to the power of this verse, but have never seen it come to life as it has until now. I found myself in tears the whole way home. But these tears were of pure joy. I felt fully loved. I felt free for the first time in months. I felt like I could breathe. The past season was finally over. I am nothing short of sure that this one will end as well, but no season can beat the power of Christ's love for us.

This makes me think of David and the Psalms. David was running from King Saul for years, hiding away alone, in the darkest of places. David had nothing but God. Psalm 42 reads,

As a deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me continually, "Where is your God?" These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I went with the throng, and led them in procession to the house of God, with glad shouts and songs of thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep at the thunder of your cataracts; all your waves and your billows have gone over me. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

How beautifully written…how applicable to what some of us feel so much of the time. Tears have been my food, day and night. But David knew that the Lord's steadfast love was greater than any season he would go through. We must do the same, and trust that the Lord will fight for us and that his love will prevail. I have seen this come to life right before my eyes. Praise Jesus for the lengths he has gone in the last few months to fight for me, without me saying a word! What an astounding love he offers us.

While I have a few days before getting on another plane, I have been asking Jesus to continue to help me accept his love. I have been praying that I grow and progress in my understanding of his love for me. I pray these butterflies stay for a while. Do you really believe that God loves you? Whoever you are, you are being prayed for. I pray that you begin to grasp the extent of his love for you.

Hi friends! I have an opportunity to be a mountain guide this summer at Young Life's Beyond Malibu. I have a GoFundMe, and am trying to raise money for my plane tickets. You can read more about it on my page! Whether you give or not, I would appreciate prayers for my trip and my preparation! God Bless!

Barely any of the things I am about to say are from my own mouth. They are straight from the Father himself who spoke to me through people like Louie Giglio and Christine Caine. I mustn’t keep these lessons for myself, so here we are.

My experience was the holiest of holy. Jesus has revived me and stole my heart once again, and the way he did so was the purest kind of sweet. He showed up like he said he would and like he always does. He was faithful, never failing. I am going to simply type out my notes for you, without explaining them, and let the Holy Spirit do what it wants with that. Someday in the future, these talks given by the most brilliant believers in Christ will be posted online, but until then, I think the Father will do something special with these brief notes.

Louie Giglio

Matthew 28

Don’t you love when someone who thinks they have so much might and power, melts at the presence of Jesus?

When God shows up, people are afraid

There should be moments in your life when God shows up, and you are on your hands and knees, face down, saying “I know you’re my Father and you love me, but I don’t really wanna look up right now”

He is RISEN! Not, “He might rise...maybe...” No! He DID and it is DONE

He was in the depths of the earth for us, he was mocked and tortured

The angel moved the rock to let us IN, not to let him out, so that we can see what he has done

4 things we see in the resurrection: Jesus is ALIVE, God has done it all, a personal relationship with God is possible, we have a new reality/mindset

Easter is EVERYDAY. The enemy wants to make it a one day a year holiday where it’s okay to sing the songs and say the prayers one time a year, thats what he wants

Jesus was the vicTIM but is now the vicTOR, with scars on his hands and feet

When you see Him in heaven, he isn’t going to be saying, “Man, the cross was rough...” He is going to be saying, “Welcome to victory.”

It would be so sad if we lived every day like the stone was still there

We don’t have to walk with a limp as a coping mechanism...he walked out a mess, but victorious! And we can walk out with that same victory...Imagine what it would be like to be in the depths and the darkness He was in for us

“Daughter that I love, son that I love, it’s your father speaking. it’s me, do you hear me? Come alive again...here I am.”

I am safe at home and not in fear, I am the daughter freed from the depths, I am loved, not abandoned

What the enemy did to me, God healed in me, and I am attached now to Jesus...my big brother who shows us what our Father is really like

Are you walking as a broken girl or a confident woman?

He says, “I know what you’ve been through, but I am more than what you’ve been through, and I can make women out of girls, and men out of boys. I can free you from your past.”

The message of Passion is not, “We are doing so great!” or “We are so bad and broken,” it’s that HE IS RISEN

It isn’t about us at all...come and see what God has done

John Piper (didn’t take many notes because it’s John Piper and was trying really hard to comprehend what he was saying)

If your name is in the book, your goal is not to stay alive, but to stay in love

The goal is to love Jesus so much that not even death will stop it...we must be ready to die for the world, hence we keep ourselves in LOVE not alive

We must die happily and humbly in the security of Jesus Christ

Rev 2:10

Ravi Zacharias

Winston Churchill “Truth is the most valuable thing in the world that is often protect by a body guard of lies.”

It is through suffering that you realize how desperately you are in need of someone or something to carry you through it

Don’t forget the past, live in the moment, and keep the future in mind

Christine Caine (If this talk ever goes public, I will post it...what a gift this woman is to this Earth)

Joshua 1

We are living delivered but not FREE

We say we’re Christians, but we are still living in fear, negativity, lust, envy, etc

Out of all our ambitions and goals, could the highest thing we want to do is be called a servant of the Lord?

We want to do good things for God, but not SERVE him

“It’s about MY gift, MY calling, MY future.” Nope! It’s not about me at all, it’s about everyone on my campus

Sometimes we say, “If not me, then no one.” Wrong, if not you, then someone else. Jesus WILL use someone else, so why not allow him to use you?

Eventually you have to make what Jesus did FOR you bigger than what someone did TO you

I didn’t take any notes from Louie’s last talk because I was too busy sobbing my eyes out. I sobbed for the students on my campus that don’t know the truth. I sobbed for best friends of mine who are blinded by the enemy’s lies. I sobbed and sobbed, it was crippling. I have not cried out to the Lord like that since the experience I wrote about a few posts ago. I felt convicted that I am not doing MY job on my campus as a believer in Christ; I drink to get drunk. Does Christ want that for me? Absolutely not...therefore I mustn’t want it for myself either. If I am filling my stomach with alcohol, how can my mind possibly coincide with what Christ is saying to me and what he wants to do through me? I cuss like a sailor. Does that glorify God’s kingdom? Nope. Now it’s important to say that just because a person doesn’t drink or swear, they are a “good” Christian and they get a ticket to Heaven. That isn’t how it works...It’s - Jesus is the center of my life, therefore the Holy Spirit is within me, therefore that effects my actions and words. We receive the gift of who Jesus is, and then that changes us. We don’t change to receive heaven or Jesus...Jesus changes us. That is what he is doing in me...he is stripping me of these things that hinder the progression of our relationship and things that don’t glorify who He is and His kingdom. He is making me better right before my eyes. To live wholeheartedly and wholly surrendered to Jesus is a feeling like no other; to be FREE. Passion did it’s job...God used it to reset the passion in my heart of truly serving him. I deleted my snapchat (which felt amazing) immediately and am really considering deactivating my spot in my sorority. I have a sudden yearning to delete the things in my life that aren’t pointing to Jesus, so that I may better spend that time in His word, serving His kingdom, and shouting the name of Jesus to the top of the mountains. As a strong Christ follower, I thought there weren’t any things keeping me from him, which was so, so naive. I am human. You are human. So what are the things in your life that YOU may not want to give up, but you hear Jesus’s voice calling you home to His fulfilling promises? What is stopping you from taking another step in your faith? Maybe it’s a relationship or friendship, partying, a certain lifestyle that’s leaving you empty. Maybe porn, or jealousy, or anger. Give it to Jesus. Surrender. Come home. He will give you grace, he will hold you in his arms, and he will fill your heart.

Ask him to cut the toxic things out of your heart and life...I pray that for you...I pray you feel the elation and pure joy he has graced me with. You are loved.

2015 was incredible. I feel like it has been the most pivotal year for me as a believer in Christ. The Lord has tested and challenged me in ways I didn’t think possible. I was pushed beyond limits I didn’t think I had. Reflecting on this past year brings tears to my eyes. If I have to choose one thing the Lord taught me, is that in the truest, purest and most literal sense, I simply cannot do anything without him. (These ideas are somewhat elementary, but I think sometimes it’s necessary and beneficial to go back to the basics.) I am a sinner on my own. I can’t make the correct decisions, I can’t choose the right paths, I can’t say the right things. My human nature is drenched with anxiety, selfishness and pride. I am as weak as a twig. My soul breaks and cracks under the stresses that come with living life on Earth. I am nothing on my own. Jesus breathes life into me. Jesus fills me with an unspeakable joy (1 Peter 1:8) and gives me regard for others (Ephesians 4:32, Galatians 5:22.) Anything good that I am, that I feel or that I have comes directly from Jesus (James 1:17.) He makes my paths straight (Proverbs 3:6) and he strips the darkest, most dreary parts of who I am. I am new…I am, quite literally, a whole new person. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

No matter who you are, reviewing 2015 is difficult. Individually, we found ourselves at the highest tops of mountains and at the lowest and darkest of pits. Internationally, tragedy struck everywhere. It was just a hard year. It’s easy to feel like our worlds are crumbling and that the world itself is as well. As I reflect on the hardest year of my life, I realize that it’s just plain naive and silly for us to think that our God would lead us into such dark valleys without leading us back out again. It’s important that we don’t run away from and justify our sins and the mistakes we made, especially going into a new year. Carry and lay all your faults, sins and mistakes at Jesus’s feet, especially the ones that are the most difficult to come to terms with. When going into a new year, it’s easy to slip into the “I am going to be better” mindset. I am going to lose weight, I am going to eat better. I am going to show more kindness. I am going to heal from this heartbreak, I am going to be happier. The problem is that none of these statements call on Jesus. Jesus, help me to eat better and exercise more, help me to take better care of the body you gave me. Holy Spirit, give me the gift of kindness, help me to care more, strip me of my selfish, human ways. Lord, heal me…fill me with your joy. If we try to do these things and be better on our own, we will fail, and I have seen the fruit of that. I don’t get very far trying to do things on my own. I am horrible at life. I break promises, I hurt people, I am selfish, I am weak. But with Jesus…I flourish. When in step with the Holy Spirit, (Galatians 5:16-22) I am just who God is creating me to be. I love who I see in the mirror, not because I am self-righteous, but because Jesus loves her, and I {always} agree with Jesus. He is the wind in my sails.

So, as we step into the new year, here’s our plan: Bring to Jesus 2015’s sins and mistakes, and the darkest most difficult moments of your year. Truly ask for forgiveness and praise him for the grace he has for your human ways. Ask Him to continue healing you from whatever heartbreak, tragedy or hurt that you’ve experienced. Isn’t incredible that on the cross, He saw it all at the same time? All of our sin, all of our faults, all our pain. Ask him to overwhelm you with the ability to trust him and his plan for your life. Ask him that you may trust where he’s led you and where he’s going to lead you. Ask that you begin to look to him in every aspect of your life; every action, every statement, your every move. Friends, I am praying these things for you. Please have a safe and happy New Years, and do not forget to celebrate the wonderful things God did in your life this year.

If you haven’t heard this…you’re welcome.

Hello sweet friends,

I come to you from my phone at 4:58 in the morning. I have been laying awake in my bed, as my pup snoozes beside me, thinking about what God has in store for my future. Playing on repeat into my ears is Bethel’s recently discovered “Ever Be.” The song sweetly serenades me with the words, “Faithful You have been / And faithful You will be” and I can’t help but stare at the ceiling above me and marvel at what my Father has done in my life…How faithful indeed He has been. He has taken me to numerous cities, states and countries, all in His name. He has blessed me with over a hundred friendships created in those places, with people from all over His great Earth. He has proven Himself time and time again. He has shown Himself over and over again. He has blessed me with the presence of His grace and love. He has shown me purpose. He has provided and He has protected.

If you don’t know much about Young Life (Google it) it’s a high school ministry that God used to bring me face to face with Jesus. Young Life has summer camps all over the world, and I’ve been blessed with many opportunities to attend and also serve at these camps. Though one Young Life camp experience, which is hardly a camp, sticks out in my head. 18 year old me casually got to climb a mountain in British Columbia with Young Life’s Beyond Malibu trip (dare I say again…Google it.) After arriving home from a very long 2 months at other camps this summer, my first thought was “So when does Beyond Malibu start accepting applications?” What a dream it would be to work as a Beyond Malibu guide…leading kids up a mountain. When I did my research about applying, I found there are 4 mandatory training dates in Seattle for guides. Most guides are from Seattle or surrounding areas, but this wannabe guide is from Chicago. I don’t know about you, but I don’t really have 2k to drop on 8 flights, plus the flight to get me to camp when it actually starts…and then back home…again. So after I surrendered to the Lord and let Him convict me of the fact that it would be a blessing to be at Beyond AT ALL…I begrudgingly applied for base camp staff where I’d be taking office calls, driving a boat or managing equipment.

The next day, I am talking to one of the Beyond employees over the phone. She says, “I see what jobs you’ve said you would take…would you be interested in taking any other job?” I felt Jesus nudge me. “Yeah, I’d be willing to go wherever you guys needed someone…” thinking she was referring to folding laundry or packing food. “Okay, because we really need female guides.” I figuratively kicked myself for not becoming a child superstar and not having millions as I told her, “I would love to, I just have no way to pay for those flights to the training dates.” She hesitated. “Is money the only factor that’s hindering you? Are there any other reasons you wouldn’t be a guide?” I shook my head like she could see me. “No, it’s just money. If I could pay for those flights, I would love to be a guide. That would be unreal.” I waited. She clarified once more. “So what if the Lord figured something out, if we figured out a way to get you here, would you? Because like I said, we need some girl guides.” Let me tell you something - I have never started sweating so fast in my LIFE. Could I say the word YES fast enough? Could I joyfully sing the word YES loud enough?

I have one more form to fill out, and then her boss or someone in charge is supposed to call me. I have learned over time how to have hope without getting my hopes up, so that’s where I’m at right now. My point is - if this opportunity doesn’t go through, my God is STILL faithful. My God will STILL provide for me an opportunity to glorify His Kingdom. Just in the way He faithfully placed me at all those other camps in past summers, He will faithfully place me wherever He pleases. Will I faithfully comply? Of course. Why? because I know from my past that He will CONTINUE to be faithful. He’s going to be faithful here on Earth and He’s going to be faithful when we are with Him for eternity and He will be faithful when the Son returns. He WAS always faithful, IS always faithful, He will BE always faithful.

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in Him.”

Well it’s taken me an hour to write this and I have to get up in 3 hours for church, so I am off to try to slumber…though it really is too hard to fall asleep when I think about all the plans my God has for me. Praise you Jesus for your constant faithfulness. Friends, I’ll be praying you trust His faithfulness to you and His promises for your life on Earth. I pray you open your hearts and minds to what He wants to do in Your life, and the way He wants you to serve His Kingdom. Whether we’re talking about getting on a plane to Seattle or spending eternity with a perfect King, He is faithful.

Hi friends!

When I met Jesus, I felt Him sitting right beside me under that Oak Tree. His presence was real. It was breathtaking, awe-inspiring, stunning, thrilling, astonishing…I could go on and on with a list of adjectives. It was so overwhelming, I cried so hard I could've been sick. His pure joy and perfect peace radiated through my nerves, my bones have never felt so strong. I remember my fingers quivering uncontrollably. Ask me why I believe in Jesus. Ask me how I know He's real. Not only because I've seen His fruit and how He has completely flipped my life upside-down for the better and transformed me inside out, but because I've literally felt Jesus Christ in my veins.

Ever since then, I have chased hard after that feeling, after His presence. I feel God's presence all the time - No matter where I am, I am at home because He is with me. He is always there, there is always an underlying sense of His existence. (Psalm 139:7 reads, "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?") But what I am talking about is this unreal, out of body, extraordinary experience. This has only happened to me a few times…The moment I met Him, the incident in my last post, one random night laying in bed, and a few others. A few of them have been at Young Life camps during worship. Sweet friends, if you haven't experienced real worship, I pray that for you. How special it is to sing praises to the God of the universe alongside brothers and sisters who know and love the same God. If you've never experienced worship, watch this video. I am obsessed with it - brothers and sisters adoring the Lord. You can see it in their faces, the way they’re raising their arms up to the Heavens, some with tears in their eyes…they can't even contain themselves. His presence is too powerful, He is too perfect. How could we not burst into tears as we praise Him? He designed our bones, He loves us unconditionally, and He invites every single one of us home. Praise You sweet Lord, for You sent Your only son to die on a cross so that we may have eternal life. Praise You perfect King, for You send us your Presence each and every second, so that we may live on Earth and glorify Your kingdom.

So how do we experience this remarkable presence of Jesus? I don't think there's anything we can do to MAKE it happen. I think it's all up to Him. There have been times when I am in such a rut, and I just want His presence to overwhelm me so I can be reminded of His power. I don't think that's how He works…He doesn't say, "Oh you're struggling to find Me? Let me overwhelm you with My presence so that you'll remember how powerful and perfect I am, and then everything will be fixed." No. We must trust Him always - especially when we're not feeling His presence. It is something so special and sacred - we can't just have it whenever we want…that just makes it all the more sweeter when it does happen.

But in this current season of life, I am the most on fire for Jesus that I have ever been in my life. It is indeed a difficult season - my heart has been broken, friendships are being tested, and trying to be a nurse is REALLY hard…but I have never trusted Him more. I have never let Him give me this much hope. I have never completely let His love in. (Exodus 33:14 says, "And He said, 'My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'”) I am spending so much time with Him and He has truly helped me to surrender to Him 100%. So I will say that the more on fire I am for Him, the more I feel His powerful presence. The more I have moments like that video, where it's just so overpowering I can't even fathom what's happening. Jeremiah 29:13 reads, "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." We will feel His hand in ours the more we focus on Him, the more we put Him at the center of our lives. He will always show up. He will always follow through. He will never fail you. I promise. HE promises.

Psalms 145:18-19 The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them.

Proverbs 15:3 The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.

James 4:8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, sinners; and purify your hearts, double-minded.

Friends, no matter where you are in your walk with Christ, I pray that you seek Jesus' presence. It is such a sweet and life-altering experience. I pray you ask Him to help you surrender to who He is and what He wants to do in your life on Earth. "Like a bride waiting for her groom, we'll be the church waiting for You. Every heart longing for our King. We sing, even so come, Lord Jesus, come." I pray you sing to the high Heavens, I pray you welcome Jesus and His angels into your heart. I pray that you yearn to open the bible daily and seek the King's truth. I pray you wait patiently for His presence to overpower you. I pray you let Him love you.

      Tonight, after a hectic week of sorority recruitment, tests and assignments, and silly, time-consuming college tasks that fill my days…I finally sat down to spend good, pure time with my Father. I opened up my prayer book, telling Him how I was feeling, asking Him to forgive my broken, human ways, and praising Him for all that He is. I then opened up my She Reads Truth app, and began searching for an entry to dive into. As I scrolled and tapped, I began feeling uneasy and anxious. I felt the pain of a recent heartbreak beginning to seep in. I sat for a moment in my uneasiness; The feeling was so strong that I had to shut my eyes and call on the Lord. I put my phone down, took off my glasses and folded my hands tight. I let myself begin to feel, and soon began to cry. My heart was aching, but I was finally alone with my Father - feeling like I could truly have a moment to grieve my loss to Him. I cried harder and harder. Eventually it turned from this “my heart is so broken and it hurts” cry, to this “Jesus I am calling out to you with all that I have because I cannot do this on my own” cry. It then progressed to where I couldn’t even sit in my bed any longer, I had to get on the floor, to my aching, boney knees, and bow to my Father. On my knees, forehead to the ground, sobs radiated from the depths of my lungs, saliva fell from my mouth, and tears soaked my carpet. My eyes were burning, my head was pounding, and my body ached…my limbs, my insides, everything of me. I could physically feel my emotional pain. The only time I have ever cried this hard, that I can recall, was when I was 10. I broke my elbow, my wrist, and three fingers, all at once. Although I’m not suffering from any broken bones, I feel like this hurt more.

     All credit to Him, I had surrendered. I had completely given up the power I thought I had to heal on my own. I wholeheartedly handed my pain over to my Father. I felt Him holding me, I didn’t feel alone, I felt His presence so very clearly. Although it was an extremely painful 10 minutes, it was the sweetest 10 minutes of my life. It felt like I was 17 again, meeting Him for the first time. But this was even sweeter because I know Him. I not only know what He has done for me, but I know of all that He continues to do for me. I know about the little blessings He sends my way. I know how patient He is, how He is always ready to take my hand, and that if our relationship is put on pause, it is because of me. I know He is to be trusted, and I know I must let Him govern every part of my life. Not only is He my Savior, He is my Lord. He is to be praised, always.

   There is a song called, “Even When It Hurts” by Hillsong United. It has spoken so much truth into this season of life I am currently living in. Not only does it remind us that our pain and trials are not God’s “fault,” and that fruit will be borne out of our hardships, but it tells us to praise Him as loud as we can when we are in so much pain that we literally don’t know what to do with ourselves. When blessings are spurring from every single corner of my life, I will joyously yell praises to Him. But when my world is crumbling and the light is so very dim, I must scream praises to Him at the top of my lungs.

Even when the fight seems lost I'll praise You Even when it hurts like hell I'll praise You Even when it makes no sense to sing Louder then I'll sing Your praise

   Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 tells us there is a time for everything under Heaven, that there is a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to cry and a time to laugh. But no matter the circumstances, joy or pain, sorrow or laughter, we must praise Him. I will not question Him. I will not doubt Him. He is all-knowing. He is perfect, He is right, and He is good. I will praise Him everyday, always. One of my all time favorite pieces of scripture is Psalm 113:3. “From the rising of the sun to it’s setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised.” Revelation 4:8 says, “They do not cease to say, ‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God, the Almighty, who was and who is and who is to come.’” Hebrews 13:15, “Through Him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge His name.” 

   I am heartbroken. And I am aching and I am hurting. And Jesus is still good. He is still my Savior, He still loves me, and He still invites me home. The tears have begun again, but my small human hands lay in His eternal hands that contain peace, gentleness, and all the fruits of His Holy Spirit. I am still in pain, I am still hurting, this is still hard. But I have been reassured that I will heal. We will all heal. I will give Him praise in the midst of my pain, because He is still good, and He is still for me. I trust that His plan for me is bigger and better than anything I could dream up, it is better than anything I could ever imagine. I will praise Him now in my heartbreak, and I will praise Him later when I am healed.

Normally, now is the part where I would tell you guys how I’ll be praying for you, which I will do…But I am going to ask that you pray for me, too. Pray that I am honest with myself and my support system about how I am feeling. Pray that I choose to take Jesus’s hand each morning. Pray that I yearn to seek truth from His word and from those older and wiser than me. Pray that I wholeheartedly let Him heal my heart. As for you, I will pray the same, whether you’re heartbroken or not. I pray that you will praise Him during broken bones, during laughter, and during heartbreaks. I pray that you will lift your small human hands to His beautiful blue sky, surrendering all of you. I pray that you ask Him and let Him take control of your life.

Thanks for reading, my sweet friends.

Disclaimer: I am still, and will always be, figuring this out. There are moments when I have no idea what it means to be a woman of God. And when I have a slight picture of what it does mean, I usually am doing a terrible job at it…chances are, you are too. But the amazing news is that Jesus has grace upon grace for us - His daughters! I have prayed about writing this post for so long and have never felt confident enough to write it. I am turning 21 in four months…What could I possibly know about being a woman of God? But after an extremely eventful summer, I feel like the picture of the woman God wants me to be is beginning to clear up.

I’m sure more will come up as I live more life and experience new things, but these are 3 things that I think God is calling me, personally, to be as a woman and as His daughter. I think that many of you will relate with most or all of these, and I trust God will use this post well. 

God calls me to be:

1) His daughter - Before being my earthly father’s daughter, I am my Heavenly Father’s daughter. Equally - before my dad is my dad, my dad is a son of God’s. Before being my husband’s wife, I am my Heavenly Father’s daughter. Before being the mother of my children (God-willing,) I am my Heavenly Father’s daughter. This means that nothing or no one will come in between me and God…That I know He is the only one that can satisfy me wholly. If I look to my husband to fulfill me, he will fail me, because he is human. Only my Heavenly Father can fulfill. This also means that I know my identity is in Christ and Christ alone. Similarly to all of the above, before being a mother, a wife, a sister…I am a daughter of God! That is who I am - a child of God.

As His children, I do think we have a responsibility of being a loyal servant to Him and a disciple of His. This means setting my mind on things only of Him, pointing others (my husband, my children, my mother, strangers) to Him, always, with my actions and my words. Sherilyn Benvenuti is the director of Graduate Programs at Vanguard University. She says, “The key for Christian women is to be obedient to the will of the Father and do what the Father would have us do in spite of all the responsibilities we have.” Before being obedient to the responsibilities of a nursing student, I must be obedient to the will of my Father. Before being obedient to the responsibilities of being a wife, I must be obedient to the will of my Father. I do, however, think that these things go hand in hand. Once I am right with God, when I am being obedient to Him and His perfect will, the completion of the responsibilities of being a wife will fall into place. Once my top priority is in motion, which is again - being obedient to my Father, the rest of my life will fall into place. I am so weak. But in Christ, in my Father, I am so strong.

1 Chronicles 16:8-12 says, “Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name;  make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles…”

Romans 8:14-17 says, “For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when He adopted you as His own children. Now we call Him, “Abba, Father.” For His spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are His children, we are His HEIRS. In fact, together with Christ, we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering.“

How exciting is it that we get to say we are daughters of the Lord?! I have yet to find a thought as sweet as that I am a daughter of God. I love that we have our husbands in front of us as protectors, and in front of them is our Father. As women, we are so protected. And I feel so lucky. 

2) A woman of grace, patience, and kindness - In the last few months, I have been praying and praying on becoming a woman who is of these 3 things. If you asked me to describe myself in 3 words, I would not use the words “graceful” or “patient.” Something important God has been teaching me is that there is a great difference between being graceful and being a woman of grace. When we hear the term “graceful,” I think most of us think of moving with ease and beauty…showing elegance. (if you know me, you know I am anything but “elegant.”) You do not have to be graceful to be a woman of grace…so get that previous definition out of your head. Being a woman of grace means being a woman who shows grace. Showing grace, showing mercy, showing forgiveness because that’s what Christ shows us. With those, patience and kindness will follow.

Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

Colossians 3:12-13, “Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, put on compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other as the Lord has forgiven you.”

Proverbs 31:20, “She extends her hand to the poor, and reaches out her hand to the needy.”

Proverbs 31:26 “She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”

Proverbs 31 has been an extremely important tool in growing into the woman of God that I want to be. I try to read it daily as I think it paints a clear picture of the woman I should aim to be, the Woman of Noble Character.

3) Beautiful in Him - I am insecure. I am self-conscious. I am uncomfortable in my body. A lot of the time, I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I don’t like taking pictures. I don’t like my skin; Chocolate breaks me out, and when am I not eating chocolate? I don’t like my legs; they are awkward 100% of the time. My hair is usually hopeless; Why is the right side of my head always so oily??? I often let the enemy seep into my head, letting him convince me that these lies are truth. But the Lord speaks louder! God knows the ugliest parts of you…and I promise you it’s nothing that you can point out in the mirror. He knows your deepest secrets and struggles, your darkest sins, he knows ALL of your ugliness. Yet he forgives you, and shows you grace, and calls you altogether beautiful, for you are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Song of Solomon 4:7 / Psalm 139:14) Here’s an example: Those girls in middle school made fun of you for your oily hair, or your braces, or your acne. Maybe you were overweight, maybe you have a weird scar or birthmark. Whatever it may be that humans call ugly. They didn’t like you, they didn’t accept you. Yet, again, the Lord knows truly ugly things about you, and He loves you more than anyone ever can and will. You are beautiful in the eyes of your creator, who’s other opinions could possibly matter?! You are a beautiful (in all ways,) precious, and loved daughter of God. You are beautiful because you exist, you are beautiful because you just are.

ALL of Psalm 139 is relevant.

1 Samuel 16:7, “But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’”

2 Corinthians 4:16, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer-self is wasting away, our inner-self is being renewed day by day.”

Isaiah 64:8, “You, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”

Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

My sisters - my hope and prayer for you and your future is that the picture of the woman God wants you to be will become more clear. I pray that you feel called to be that woman, whatever that may look like. I pray that you yearn to grow closer to that woman. I pray that you know there will never be an end, I pray that you will never be satisfied with who you are, that you will always yearn to grow and to be a better woman than yesterday. Yet I pray you know that you are enough for Jesus right now. I pray God helps you show grace, patience, and kindness towards loved ones and strangers. I pray that God sheds those 3 gifts upon you each and every day. I pray that you know how precious and beautiful you truly are, how wonderfully made you are. I pray that you know how much of gift you really are to this Earth, that you were meant to be right where you are. I am praying for you continually.

It’s actually from a line in U2′s “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” I first heard Light’s cover https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7-Oc9zDpgM