Wonderland

as y’all know I’ve been on hiatus for the last month on all my characters and have ended up dropping Kiseop (rip I loved him a lot). to get things rolling on heenim again I just want to say that I’m dropping all of my current threads and starting from a blank slate so please, please, please hmu for some plotting and stuff ;u;

Phase I.

❝ How long has it been since you lost them? ❞

Hyungwon held a picture in his hands, a picture from a happier time. It was a picture from Heechul’s wedding. He and Kimi were beautiful and happy and so very much alive. That day were the said their vows and exchanged rings was still as clear as day in his mind and no amount of alcohol could ever dim the pure bliss that bubbled within him as he saw her walk towards him in her dress. She looked radiant, like she was illuminated from the inside, her skin positively glowing.

My love.

Heechul smiled at the picture of them together, her head resting on his shoulder and their hands entwined between them. Wonnie had asked about Kimi and he’d told her that she’d been ripped away passed on. He had let it go for a while but now he was asking again. It wasn’t like it was a difficult question to answer but it made him shake and tremble as he was suddenly transported to their last moment together, Kimi bleeding out in his arms and using her last breath reassuring him that it would all be okay. His ears rang with the sound of bullets being fired all around them causing him to flinch, nails digging into his palms. The pain reminded him that he was in the present and what he heard and saw before him wasn’t real, but only a very painful memory. 

A memory.

“Hyung?”

Blurrily, he could see the outline of Hyungwon looking at him with what could’ve been concern. He smiled weakly, rubbing his eyes and inhaling, his heart still beating madly in his ribcage. “I’m fine. I’m alright,” he muttered, more for his own benefit than anything, “It’s been four years since she... died,” Heechul finally answered quietly.

And it still hurts like hell every time I think of her.

Phase II.

❝ Have you ever been taken advantage of? ❞

Heechul’s hands stilled for a moment unsure of why the younger male would broach such a topic. They were close—heck, he was washing his hair for him—but they rarely talked about serious topics like that unless it was three in the morning and their demons were acting up again. He resumed shampooing Wonnie’s hair, working up a nice lather as he thought of how to answer his question. “Close your eyes. I’m going to rinse now okay?” he instructed gently using the shower hose wash away the foam. “Aaaand we’re done. Let me get you a towel.”

Wrapping the towel around Hyungwon’s slim body Heechul couldn’t resist giving him a back hug. The boy was honestly so pure and way too young to carry all those demons inside of him. “In answer to your question... yes, I suppose I have,” he said in a sad voice, still wrapped around the other’s shoulders. “I think I might have told you before but I was a whore for seven years. Got abducted off the street when I was seventeen... started working soon after.” He released Wonnie and undid his own silk robe just enough for it to slip down his pale back. “Look,” he said, his back turned towards the younger male, “see the thin scars? Those are from that time... you can touch them if you want to. I don’t mind.”

He shivered slightly underneath the other’s tentative touch, goosebumps erupting along their course. It had been a long time since he’d shown his scars to anyone in such a vulnerable state... not since Kimi had passed. But with Hyungwon he felt a bond of sorts, a bond where he wanted to protect the boy from anymore harm from the shitty world they resided in. “Even if my back is scarred I’m still one of the most gorgeous men on the planet,” Heechul joked as he felt Wonnie pull his hand away.

Silence.

❝ I’m scared of being used again… ❞

Those six words words broke his heart. Heechul wasn’t equipped to deal with emotionally vulnerable people much less someone who’d gone through what he could imagine had been a traumatic childhood. What could he even say? ‘Don’t worry, everything is going to be fine’ was such stinking horse shit. There was no guarantee that everything was going to be fine for the rest of the boy’s life. Both of them knew it.

“Hyungwon-ah,” he said, using his name instead of his customary nickname of ‘pretty boy’, “look at me.” Gently Heechul lifted the other’s face, his thumb and forefinger resting under his chin. He sighed, knowing that his eyes were probably full of concern and probably a hint of sadness. “Hyung can’t promise you that everything will be okay but I will do my best to make sure it doesn’t happen again, hm? You can always count on me, okay. Hyung won’t ever abandon you.”

As if to seal his promise he leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on the other’s still damp forehead. “Now let me dry your hair before you catch a cold.”

Phase III.

❝ You can’t just run away all the time. ❞

“And why the fuck not?” he growled from where he lay, whisky bottle in hand with only a few dregs left at the bottom. Heechul could vaguely make out Hyungwon standing over him, his face impassive. Sometimes he really regretted giving the boy his lock password to his flat. What did a man have to do to get shitfaced by himself without having his actions judged? “I’m not fucking running, either,” he slurred waving the empty bottle in the air as he pointed at the younger man accusingly, “I’m— I’m— this is purely recreational.”

That was a big fat lie and they both knew it.

Heechul felt the bottle being tugged from his grasp but his hands reacted too slowly for him to keep his hold. Wonnie then lifted him up and practically dragged him to his bed before setting him down none to gently on the mattress. With a groan and bleary unfocused eyes he pointed yet again at his friend as his mind tried to put words together in a way that made sense.

“Who are you tell me that I can’t run? I’ve been through fucking hell and somehow I’m still on this fucked up earth! I’ve been used and abused by countless strange men like the piece of shit I am! I lost the only good thing that ever happened to me because I couldn’t protect her! I’m worthless scum... It should’ve been me who died that night, you hear that! IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME!”

By now Heechul was screaming, tears completely obscuring his vision as his hands clutched at his chest. 

“She raised me from the gutter and I let her die... I let her die in my arms...”

Sobs wracked his body as he was once more filled with the self-loathing that was ever present but held at bay during the day.

“If I was really running from myself I would’ve killed myself a long time ago. I’ve tried! I have fucking tried to end my pathetic existence but, like the cowardly shit I am, I can never do it. And I hate myself even more because of it...”

Heechul felt the mattress dip as Hyungwon crawled onto it and felt his hands wipe away the tears from his bloated, ugly, snotty face. The gesture made him half laugh, half sob. The boy really was too good for him. He didn’t deserve anything nice in this godforsaken world. Hyungwon tucked him into bed silently before sitting next to him once more, stroking his hair until he began to drift off to sleep, completely and utterly drained. He felt something soft brush his forehead followed by a mere whisper that could’ve been taken as a breeze.