dreamlike.

            the  problem  with  being  in  love  with  a  boy  from  england  was  the  three  thousand  ,  one  hundred  and  seventy  -  seven  miles  that  separated  them  most  months  out  of  a  very  long  year  .  sure  ,  tommy  had  come  to  visit  when  he  was  able  ,  and  she’d  caught  more  than  one  flight  back  to  larnswick  ,  but  they  were  both  students  .  they  were  both  busy  ;  even  as  her  first  year  of  med  school  began  to  wind  down  ,  she  found  herself  in  a  RUSH  to  catch  a  flight  from  the  states  to  make  it  back  just  in  time  for  his  commencement  .  things  only  slowed  down  when  the  familiar  streets  of  larnswick  were  replaced  by  historic  neighborhoods  of  paris  .  PARIS  ,  just  the  two  of  them  .  it  was  just  about  the  best  surprise  tommy  had  ever  pulled  off  ,  and  they  spent  the  entire  first  day  in  a  hotel  room  with  soft  sheets  and  a  beautiful  view  of  the  city  ,  surviving  on  room  service  and  ignoring  their  phone  .  the  whole  thing  was  so  intoxicatingly  perfect  ,  she  wondered  if  she’d  ever  have  the  STRENGTH  to  get  back  on  a  plane  back  to  boston  when  the  time  came  .  wonderings  like  that  were  fleeting  ,  few  and  far  between  ,  though  because  she  was  caught  up  in  being  in  a  new  city  with  THOMAS  .  it  was  a  feat  in  itself  to  quiet  the  anxious  wandering  of  her  mind  ,  but  he  had  a  knack  of  making  things  quiet  and  calm  .  mal  was  the  kind  of  person  that  planned  things  to  the  minute  ,  stressed  over  small  details  ,  and  wanted  to  create  PERFECTION  in  everything  she  did  .  .  .  but  a  year  of  loving  him  ,  even  if  it  was  often  from  a  distance  ,  built  a  kind  of  trust  that  felt  infallible  .  the  question  of  ‘  what  comes  next  ’  for  them  had  been  answered  before  ,  a  YEAR  before  when  she  left  larnswick  ,  and  they’d  find  the  answer  again  now  that  it  was  tommy’s  turn  to  find  HIS  next  step  .  so  she  didn’t  worry  over  it  .  instead  ,  she  focused  on  him  .  and  the  way  the  louvre  was  magical  even  when  it  was  crowded  ,  the  way  parisian  carbs  tasted  ten  times  better  than  boston  carbs  ,  and  the  way  everything  in  paris  seemed  to  sparkle  with  a  sheen  of  romance  .  especially  when  darkness  fell  on  their  last  late  night  in  the  city  and  the  world  around  them  lit  up  in  warm  ,  sparkling  lights  .  the  eiffel  tower  stretched  up  into  the  sky  ,  across  the  siene  but  bigger  than  ever  as  it  twinkled  against  a  velvety  backdrop  .  there  were  fewer  people  wandering  about  the  trocadéro  than  there  would’ve  been  during  the  day  ,  and  the  air  was  filled  with  the  sound  of  light  traffic  ,  grand  fountains  ,  and  a  distant  street  busker  with  a  violin  .  mal  tilted  her  chin  up  towards  the  sky  ;  the  city’s  lights  hid  the  stars  ,  but  the  moon  was  as  bright  as  ever  ,  casting  a  silvery  glow  over  everything  .  her  heels  made  quiet  clicking  sounds  on  the  concrete  ,  and  a  jacket  that  smelled  like  tommy’s  cologne  rested  over  her  shoulders  ,  fending  off  a  cool  breeze  .  it  was  one  of  those  moments  ,  mal  thought  ,  that  seemed  almost  too  good  to  be  true  ;  something  like  a  scene  written  into  the  pages  of  one  of  her  favorite  books  where  she  was  the  main  character  in  a  pretty  dress  wandering  a  fantastical  city  holding  the  hand  of  a  beautiful  boy  who  loved  her  back  .  “  thomas  connelley  ,  ”  she  sighed  ,  the  dancing  lights  of  the  eiffel  tower  reflected  in  her  eyes  ,  “  i  have  to  say  ,  you’ve  outdone  yourself  with  this  whole  .  .  .  paris  trip  .  ”  disbelief  and  admiration  filled  the  spaces  of  her  words  .  her  hand  shifted  in  his  just  slightly  ,  middle  finger  running  over  the  silver  band  that  always  wrapped  around  his  .  she  pulled  away  from  him  a  little  bit  before  ,  like  a  well  practiced  dance  move  ,  lifting  their  intertwined  hands  over  her  head  and  tucking  herself  into  his  side  as  they  neared  steps  that  led  to  a  square  of  fresh  grass  and  bubbling  fountains  .  “  did  you  ever  think  back  when  we  took  that  very  first  day  trip  to  brighton  that  one  day  ,  ”  her  gaze  finally  drifted  from  the  landmark  and  up  to  him  ,  “  we’d  have  travelled  with  or  TO  each  other  enough  to  wrap  around  the  world  at  least  once  ?  this  year  alone  ,  even  .  ”

it was only a matter of time before the conversation HAD to happen between the two of them . with mal’s impending departure approaching closer & closer with every day that passed , it should have been brought up earlier. but when you were both lost in each others company , focused on the here & now & nothing else , the timing was NEVER right . it wasn’t exactly a topic you could just slip into effortlessly during normal conversation ; & not to mention , it was far from the EASIEST conversation to have . because the last thing he really wanted to think about was mal leaving him . even if it was just PHYSICALLY . they may have spent months apart after they’d broken up but that on its own was hard enough . he’d just gotten her back , he wasn’t quite ready to let her go ( though he doubted he’d EVER be ready ) . but even if the topic , as it was brought up finally, caused his hand to shift a little in her hold within her lap . he didn’t run . he didn’t shy away from it & hope that it’d just figure itself out because this was one thing in which TALKING was the only thing that would help. if they didn’t talk about it NOW , would would they ? his eyes had been focused upon their intertwined fingers within her lap as her words cut off , but within second they had snapped up to focus upon her own . it didn’t take much to know what she had WANTED to say . it shone brightly within multicolours eyes . LOVE . she loved him. he’d known it since the night at the gardens but he hadn’t been quite ready to allow it to settle within him . his mind choosing to keep it tucked away in the back of his mind with a note attached saying ‘ tackle later. ’& maybe that tackle later had finally arrived because just the thought of it caused a warmth to spread within his chest , the corners of his lips curving into a quiet , gentle smile as his eyes studied hers because just like he’d always known her feelings for him , he’d always know HIS feelings for her . even if he’d never uttered them out loud . but just as quickly as the smile had grown upon his lips , it was fading with her suggestion .letting her go — letting them go . he would be lying if he didn’t ADMIT that there had been times , since the whole reality of malia getting into harvard & what i meant for them had TRULY sunk in , where the thought had crossed his mind . but it hadn’t been because of what she was saying . he himself hadn’t crossed his mind when he’d thought that maybe once the time came around for malia to go home it’d be better if they went back to FRIENDS because he knew that there was no way in which he believed that distance would change the way he felt about her . he just didn’t want to HOLD HER BACK. but it hadn’t been long before he realised old habits died hard. it was nothing but his BRAIN telling him to run before he found himself in a situation that could break his heart& that it was no different to what was running through his mind when he’d broken up with her . would the distance between them be hard ? yes . there’s was no denying or getting around that . but if there had been one thing he’d FINALLY learnt over the past few months it was that the best things in life weren’t always the easiest or safest things in the world & malia schafer was worth every bit of ADVERSITY .

his eyes focused upon her intently as her gaze found its way back down from the ceiling above , his jaw set slightly as fingers tightened around her own . all the work he’d done in figuring out to voice his FEELINGS all seemed to lead up to this point . if he didn’t say EXACTLY what he felt , he knew what it’d mean for them . “ my head — ” it’s a weak start as he trails off after only two words , but piecing together his thoughts has never been his strong suit . his position is adjusted ever so slightly before he speaks , “ i know that , that whole cliche of if you love something , let it go is complete BULLSHIT . it may have worked with me — with us — since we’re here but things hardly have a way of working out the same the second time . you letting me go , or me letting you go , is the LAST thing i want . i just got you back , malia , you really think i’m about to go & give you up because things are going to get a little hard? ” there’s a shake of his head as his hand shifts in hers , fingers unlocking for her own as he reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear , fingers lingering against the warmth of her cheek as a breath parts his lips . “ the distance is going to be HARD. not having you here is going to be HARD. but what would be even HARDER is not being with you at all , even if being with you means only seeing you through a screen for a large chunk of the time because you ,malia , are the ONLY person i want . the only person i can SEE — ” there’s a pause as his eyes divert for a moment over her shoulder . lips pressing together as he grapples withthe quiet muttered warnings in the back of his head to SHUT UP before he lets slip exactly how he feels about her . & though it takes a moment of silence for him to push through , his lips part once more as his hand slips to settle against the curve of her neck . “ the only person i can seea future with . because before you ? i can’t say my future was ever anything BRIGHT . & i don’t mean this in a you fixed me , i can’t live without you , way . but you made me WANT to be the person i’ve wanted to be becausewhen i’m with you everything seems just that bit BRIGHTER — just that bit EASIER to bear when things do get rocky. ” who knew if he was making sense , but if he stopped talking he was afraid he’d never start again . “ so you asking me where my heads at ? the 5265.77 km between us as well as the 6 hour flight one of us is gonna have to take to get to the other ISN’T going to change how i feel about you . not seeing you in person every day isn’t going to change how i feel about you . nothing will EVER change how i feel about you because you’re it, malia . because — ” his eyes hold hers as the tips of his fingers press ever so slightly against the skin of her neck & a calming breath was inhaled .it was now or never. “ i LOVE you , malia . ”

she couldn’t have explained it . . . the reason she felt so NERVOUS about the conversation at hand .  maybe it was because it was so painfully honest  , the fact that if he NEEDED it . . . if he asked her to , she’d uncurl her fingers from the spaces between his , and she’d let him live a life without her . there was no question about it , because when you LOVED someone . . . really loved someone in the way malia schafer found herself loving him : unconditionally . . . you wanted the best for them , even if that meant moving a world away and forgetting about the future that lingered in the what if . she’d be a liar if she said she hadn’t thought about it , what a future with tommy would look like ,  because she had . when early morning sunlight painted the sparse walls of his bedroom gold and she lingered in the space between sleep and awake , blinking up at a boy so GENTLE and so loved , he must’ve been pulled straight from her dreams ,  she’d thought about it . when her head rested in the crook of his neck and english countryside moved by in a blur of colors , train huffing along the tracks taking them to somewhere new , somewhere quiet , somewhere CALM , she’d thought about it . when his laughter was murmured against her skin , when he whispered her full name against a backdrop of quiet , when the cool metal of a silver band slipped into the spaces between her fingers . . . she’d thought about it . QUIETLY and often . a gaze of green and blue shifted up to meet his , only as their hands pulled apart . a breath she didn’t know she was holding in passed her lips and her shoulders relaxed as the familiar feeling of his hand lingering against her cheek calmed her nervous . like second nature , she leaned into his touch , lips momentarily brushed against the palm of his hand in a gentle kiss as she focused on what he was saying . tommy had never been one for GRAND professions of feeling , so as words poured out of his mouth , she’d wished she could pick them up and keep them for a rainier day . she’d point to them and remind him : look at how far we’ve come . look at how far you’ve come . it was going to be hard , he’d said . hard , hard , and harder . . . and malia might’ve been an IDEALIST , but she certainly wasn’t naive . tommy had become a part of  her everyday . he was the calming voice that reminded her to keep her feet on the ground , to take a break , to breathe . more than that , thomas connelley made her incandescently HAPPY , in a way that no one else could . so to hear him say that he wanted this –– he wanted HER –– even if there was an ocean between them , was the greatest kind of relief . his hand moves to the curve of her neck , the shadow of a smile hints at the corners of her lips . it was a smile that only grew as he spoke , getting wider as he mentioned a future for the both of them , as a PRECISE number rolled off the tip of his tongue , but she found herself holding her breath again as he paused and fingertips pressed into her skin . 

I LOVE YOU , MALIA . her gaze flickered across his features , slight raise in her eyebrows as it echoed in the back of her mind .  i love you , malia . i love you ,  i love you . it was on the tip of her tongue , the words she’d use to say it back . . . because it wasn’t new for her . her voice was caught behind a smile , stuck in the back of her throat . . . but that smile reached her eyes , crinkling at the corners as she leaned forward to rest her forehead against his .  lashes flutter as she closes her eyes , inhaling in contentedness . “ thomas connelley , ” she sighed , finally finding the words as her voice teemed with a quiet kind of happiness , “ you ––   . . . ” airy laughter interrupts her thoughts as her hand moves to rest against his chest , feeling the steady beat of his heart running just as quickly as hers was . the tip of her nose bumped gently against his , and fingertips brush against the fabric of his shirt before skimming the line of his jaw . it’s light and lingering , the kiss she leans into to make up for her lack of words , and I LOVE YOU is still echoing in the back of her mind , causing a smile to break through against his lips . when she pulls away , it’s momentary , only lasting long enough to take a breath before leaning back in . the second one speaks louder than the first , and a hum of laughter is nestled between them as she takes a moment to push against him , if only to get him to lean back against the couch to make room for a shift ; knees on rested either side of him as she settled into his lap , hands gently resting on his cheeks . pulling back , there’s no falter in her smile . he loves her , and she loves him , and they were going to be OKAY .  “ you love me , ” it’s whispered in a smile as her thumb brushes against his cheek . the joyous sound of laughter takes its place amongst a pause , and there it is –– . . . that feeling only TOMMY was capable of bringing out of her . perfect , incandescent HAPPINESS . “ and you looked up the exact distance between here and boston ? ” a gleam of adoration passes her gaze , and even after everything they’d been through , the feeling of fluttering butterflies in her stomach still came around in moments like this while she gaze into blue eyes that , for the moment , looked like the saving grace of the CALM after a storm . “ six hours on a plane . . .  3,272 miles , ” because she’d looked it up , too . she’d stared at that distance for far longer than necessary , hoping it wouldn’t be the thing that broken them . “ do you know how happy it makes me to hear you say that ? ” there’s a furrow in her brow and she wraps her arms around his neck with a slow shake of her head , “ because if i didn’t get into my dream school , i could find another one . if i don’t get the job i want later on , i can find another one . but YOU ? tommy , it’s been you for ME , for a long time . ” fingertips unravel in the hair at the nape of his neck , and in the quiet of a cabin , far away from a campus that would be buzzing when they got back , she felt calmer than ever . . . and CERTAIN . she’d been certain . “ you’re the first person i want to come to with –– . . . everything . the good , the bad . all of it . so to go back without you . god , i don’t think i could do it . i don’t WANT to do it . i’d rather take dozen six hour plane rides than do that –– . . . ” again , she broke into the kind of smile that warmed her cheeks and crinkled the corners of her eyes , “ 5265.77 km . you memorized it . and you LOVE me , huh ?  ” leaning closer , she nuzzled against his nose . “ you love me , ” it’s quiet , ghosted just a breath away from his lips , “ say it again . ”

if it had been ANYONE else , it would have earned a harsh glare thrown in their direction , but hearing sweet laughter fill the air of the cottage around them it split his lips into a quiet grin as blue eyes twinkled in amusement as he took a glance in mal’s direction . sometimes he forgot the things he was use to weren’t necessairly things SHE was use to becausetea & biscuits were hardly anything out of the NORM for him but for her ? sometimesthe differences between the two of them were far clearer . “ you know what ? i’ll take this JUDGEMENT just this once because there are worst things to be than the lovechild of mary poppins & bert the chimney sweep . even if you deserve to have your tea & biscuit swiped for it . ” his shoulders shrugged nonchalantly as he gave a dismissive gesture of his hand in her vague direction , a half-hearted swipe at her finger that tapped the tip of his nose , before it fell to rest upon the couch . “ i thought i’d leave the singing to you — you’re MUCH better at it then i am . plus , you give out more of a mary poppins vibe than me . i would not be surprised if you pulled out a god damn never ending magical bag one day . ” a quiet laugh rumbled from his chest as there was gentle shake of his head as he lent forward to rip on the bag of ginger nuts before nudging it closer to her sidebefore he glanced back at her . eyes focused upon her as he lent back , welcoming her once more back into his side as she shifted on the couch . a moment taken to press a gentle kiss to the top of her head . a breath was inhaled as silence fell between them , his chin still rested lightly against the side of her head as her voice broke the silence . a murmured acknowledgement filled the air not long after as he shifted just enough to allow her to come into focus . just from a SINGLE look , he knew the cogs in her mind had been working double time . it took every ounce of control to keep his features neutral as his eyes studied her . though as the words fell from her lips , why he had been so WORRIED was beyond him . a laugh erupted from his lips , “ i don’t think it counts as IMPULSIVE if you plan to possibly dye your hair in the future , malia . ” his head shook in amusement as laughter gently shook his shoulders , “ but no — you having pink hair isn’t a dealbreaker for me . you could probably SHAVE off your hair & i’d still want to kiss you — not that i’m saying shave off your hair , your hair is nice . but if you DID — it wouldn’t be a problem . who am i to tell you what to do with your hair — i fucking buzzcut mine months back . ”

but as the second need of his opinion followed , the laughter that still played throughout his words faded . the need of controlling his features once more filtering back up as he studied her in silence for a small moment before FINALLY he broke it .  “this? ” it was repeated with a raise of a single brow as he shifted to hook his fingers around the handle of his mug before he raised it to his lips . he spoke as if he didn’t have a CLUE about what she was talking about , but no matter the questioning confusion that lay across his features — he knew EXACTLY what she was talking about .this— THEM . it was only a matter of time before the conversation was finally breeched & the idea of the secrecy FINALLY being over could have had him expressing his agreement over making THEMpublic knowledge the moment the question had fell from her lips . but no matter how eager he was to get the whole thing OVER with , he kept his reaction contained , a slight amused smirk playing on his lips as his eyes flickered over to rest upon her as he settled the mug back down onto the solid surface of the coffee table , “ this as in the weekend get away thing or about the whole us being an US again ? ” he settled back against the cousins of the couch once more as his arm came to rest against the back of the couch , the smirk slowly fading from his lips as features turned SERIOUS . “ because if you’re meaning the whole US thing — it’s up to you at the end of the day , malia . i know i want the whole secrecy thing OVER with . sneaking time with each other , climbing in & out of your window — it was all fun & games to begin withbut now — ” his words trailed off as his eyes diverted from her towards his fingertips that tapped against the fabric of the couch as he reached for the right words . the last thing he wanted was to cause some sort of argument over this,“ i’d just rather NOT be sneaking around feeling like there’s something wrong with what we’re doing when the thing that’s wrong is the fact that we’re doing it mostly for the benefit of OTHER peoples feelings . if they are REAL friends , even if they are protective , they should be happy your happy & TRUST your judgement & ifthey’re not — ” there was another pause as his lips pressed together & his head tilted a little to the side , eyes flickering over her features as a quiet moment passed between them as he allowed the true meaning of his words to linger unspoken . “ all i’m going to say is that i KNOW i want to be with you , malia . no hair colour or opinions of your friends is going to change that . i want to be able to tell people that you’re my girlfriend & actually spend time with you that isn’t in places that we don’t have to worry about anyone from larnswick seeing us & spreading it around that we’re back together . i want to make the most of what time we have — ” words faltered seconds before the words spilled from his lips , a hesitation pulling at him in fears that it was the WRONG thing to say , but if he didn’t say it now — when would he ? “ of the time we have LEFTtogether. there’s not many times in my life where i’ve been SELFISH & i don’t want to pressure you into something you don’t want to do just yet , but — i want to be selfish when it comes to US . ”

“ it’s not a JUDGEMENT , ” mal grinned , hand moving back to the corner of her mouth , thumb brushing against the line of her bottom lip , “ just an observation . it’s cute . ” words are lit in the glow of a grin , and her fingers curl into a fist , cheek leaning against it as her elbow rests on the back of the couch . it was EASY with him , all of it . the laughter , the conversation . . . she slept better curled up next to him and felt an all over warmth of calm when he was around . it’s why the smile on her face doesn’t fade as she leans forward to grab a biscuit , diligently dunking it into to the tea , per his suggestion . “ swipe my tea and biscuit , ” her head shook as she took a bite , nose wrinkling before she swallowed , “ you wouldn’t dare . ” she set her mug back down and leaned back into him . EASY . “ i do have a never ending magical bag , actually , ” it’s hummed as he presses a kiss to the top of her head , causing a small blush to warm her cheeks as she settled into him , “ how do you think i’m such an efficient packer ? the trick isn’t to be type a or be organized . it’s a bottomless bag . ” there’s hushed laughter in moments in between , and at times she thinks she can hear his heart beating . steady . strong . in perfect time with her own . it’s because of little moments like this one that she wants tell her friends . moments like the first few minutes in the morning when the both of them finally came to after actually sleeping and mal would nuzzle gently into the crook of his neck . moments like the turning point in a study session when tommy would carefully close her book and , with the CROOKED grin , remind her that she needed to breathe every now and again . he was GOOD for her , despite not believing it for a long time , and even as she suggested they keep things under wraps , part of her didn’t want to . it was all the result of being overly cautious . . . something she often forgot about when she caught him laughing like he was . it was contagious , and even though his reaction had her ROLLING her eyes , she couldn’t help but laugh along with him . “ okay so maybe impulsive isn’t the word i’m looking for , ” her eyebrows raised as lips settled into a gentle smile , and she’s nodding along with his words , amused . “ my , my . thomas connelley you do have a way with words . my hair ? is nice . so effortlessly charming , ” it’s nestled in breathy laughter , and there it is again , that look in her eyes . complete and utter FONDNESS . love , if you will , “ i don’t think i’ll be shaving my head anytime soon . though i did notice when you cut yours . mostly because i’ve always quite liked your hair a bit longer . ”  she reached her hand upwards , brushing her fingers through his short hair , “ and i was kind of pissed you still look good with buzzed hair . ” but laughter fades into something soft and solemn as she studies him , carefully , thinking over her second question . this ? he’d ask , only to earn a subtle glare . she waited until he was settled back against the couch to speak with a small tilt of her head . “ this as in us , ” it’s almost whispered , because what comes next feels uncertain , “ us being an US again . . . ”

lips purse as she listens closely , turned so she’s facing him and using the back of the couch as an elbow rest . there’s an attentiveness as she listens , feeling her heart sink slightly as he mentions how he was certain they could do without the secrecy . it’d been HER idea after all . she was the one that. snuck out in the morning . she was the one that asked if they could keep things between the two of them . she was the one who had him climbing in through the window as she’d sneak in the side door , using oliver as a lookout as she scurried up the stairs . tommy’s eyes fell from her own and she followed his gaze to tapping fingertips on the back of the couch . she took the pause in conversation as an opportunity to slip her hand under his wrist , fingertips brushing along his skin as she pulled his hand from where it rested in order to slip her fingers in between his . his voice trails off a second time , and in the lingering silence her thumb brushes over his skin . “ i know , ” it’s quieter than a whisper and accompanied by a subtle nod , “ i know . it’s just –– ” her gaze drops to their intertwined fingers , and she takes a steadying breath as he begins to speak again . i want to be with you , he said , no hair color or opinion could change that . but what about 3,272 miles ? what about a transatlantic flight , rather than one door over ? what about a time difference ? and really different schedules ? and falling in love all over again over facetime ? would that change anything ? it was the question that weighed on her shoulders , causing her to dig her heels into the ground with the whole . . . secrecy thing . when he brought it up , the dwindling time they had left together , mal lifted his hand to her lips , leaving a soft kiss against his knuckles . . . and another against the silver band that wrapped around his middle finger . “ you’re right , ” she said , easily , letting their hands drop into her lap . because he was . they weren’t doing anything wrong . . . and she liked hearing him call her his girlfriend . she wanted to be able to tuck herself under his arm as they walked across campus . time spent hiding was time WASTED , and they couldn’t afford that right now . “ it’s not so much , anymore , that i feel like i should keep you hidden it’s just –– . . . when people know , they’ll have questions , and the first question 70% of the time is going to have to do with boston , and –– ” she took a deep breath , meeting his eyes , “ and that’s not something we’ve talked about yet . because i know how i feel about you . i’ve known . so me being there and you being . . . here . it doesn’t seem half as difficult as avoiding you at the beginning of this year was . that said , though . . . because i –– ” you love him . because you love him . but she doesn’t say it . instead , she let’s it linger in kaleidoscope eyes as they study his before looking back to their hands , “ because of how i feel about you , i don’t expect anything . if you need someone who is here and available , that’s not going to be me , and as much as it might kill me –– ” her shoulders lifted into a shrug and her chin tilted towards the ceiling , eyes narrowing as though she was thinking , hard . “ what’s that cliche ? if you love something , let it go . . . as much as i DON’T want to let you go , ” she looks back at him , confident in her own words , “ i will . if that’s what you need . and i’ll spend half of my time PINING from boston . ” a soft smile warms her features as she adds , “ because i KNOW that i want to be with you , too . i KNOW that i love hearing you call me your girlfriend . . . i KNOW that i want to be able to go home and not care about who sees us where . but if we’re going to do that , if i’m going to tell people . . . i also need to KNOW where your head’s at about what comes after this time we have left is gone . ”

━━ @hecrtfelts·

there had been an agreement . to keep things quiet — to not make it a BIG thing — in fears that people KNOWING would complicate things while they were still finding their footing with one another again . but with only a week or so behind them since their second FIRST date , it seemed that it had hardly taken much time at all for everything to fall BACK into place . for tommy & mal to become TOMMY & MAL once more . he’d thought that there may have been some form of AWKWARDNESS between them as they navigated their way around being back in each others lives . both of them had grown , CHANGED , since the last time they’d been together after all . an adjustment period MUST be on the cards . but the only adjustment period they had to deal with was concerning the whole keeping things QUIET . tommy had been no stranger to keeping emotions & wants under control when the title of FRIENDS still hung over their heads but now that malia schafer was once more his GIRLFRIEND it was about the only thing he wanted people to KNOW . all he wanted to do was be WITH her & not have to bat an eye at who saw them together . his place may have become a quiet sanctuary for them to retreat to , a place they now spent the MAJORITY of their time in , but remembering that what they were in PRIVATE couldn’t find its way out into the world outside of the four walls of his room just yet was getting HARDER & HARDER . they’d spent so many MONTHS apart & with everyday that passed bringing malia’s impending DEPARTURE closer & closer — the feelings of others was becoming a tiring reason to keep them under wraps . he understood why but at the same time , he wanted to make every day count because in a few months , their days together would be NUMBERED in one way or another . it was like a ticking clock in his head , growing louder & louder in his head . harvard , he knew , was a DREAM malia had had for quite some time & there was no denying that he was PROUD of her . but one could also not deny the flicker of apprehension in his stomach whenever he thought about it . boston was 5 hours behind england & with 5265.77 km between them a 6 hour flight — something he’d looked up many a times — was the only way in which he could see her . it wasn’t exactly IDEAL for anyone let alone two people that had just gotten back together after a figurative distance had lay between them . all he could do was HOPE that they’d figure it out once they reached that point in time because if he allowed himself to linger on it too long it was a pathway into thoughts that had broken them up in the first place & that was FAR from somewhere he wanted to go . there may been some frustrations towards their current predicament but at least he got to SEE her — got to BE with her . focusing on the here & now — on HER — was all that really mattered .

but thomas connelley would be lying if he said he didn’t JUMP at the first chance to get away & leave behind the second guessing himself every time he so much as looked at her from across a room just in case his eyes or HER eyes gave something away when they locked upon the other . after all , malia schafer wore her heart on her sleeve . all he wanted was ONE weekend . ONE weekend where there was no one around that knew them . ONE weekend where it was just them . their weekends away had always been one of his FAVOURITE things & with their university year wrapping up & mal was more & more frequently found with her nose glued to a book for hours on end — there was no better time to take a chance . it was a RISK , both skipping town for a WHOLE weekend without drawing some suspicion from mal’s friends if they went around asking the boys questions , but a risk worth taking . pack clothes you can go walking in as well as comfy things , you’re not gonna need anything else — it’s just a couple hours drive away — just TRUST me will you ? this is what he got for keeping a girl that liked to worry in the dark . but it had ALL been worth it when they’d arrived at the end of long winding driveway lined with thick pines on either side to a small , cozy weekend stone cottage overlooking lake vyrnwy . it certainly wasn’t anything fancy , no JAW DROPPING get away to a 5 start resort spa , but it was THEM . it was the perfect place for them to FORGET about the endless amount of school work waiting for them back home , the watchful eyes of friends & any other worries that may be lingering in the backs of their minds . they could spend all day in bed if they wanted . they could tuck their phones away into their bags & curl up in front of the open fire when the spring sun faded from the sky & turned the woodland area surrounding them cool . they could spend hours exploring the area around them & venture into the nearest village . but most importantly they could just BE . he couldn’t have asked for more , it had been EVERYTHING he’d wanted & more . at least , so far .

with eyes switched intense focus between the two mugs of tea between both hands , fingers wrapped securely around each handles , he tried his hardest to keep either of them from losing a single drop of the steaming liquid within as he backed out of the cottage’s small kitchen & snaked his way through the ARRAY of mismatched furniture towards the plush couch in front of the fire he’d left mal curled up on a few minutes ago . though not before managing to snag a packet of biscuits in his mouth that were the first thing to be set down upon the coffee table . though set down was putting in politely , it was more of a HOPE & pray it didn’t hit the mugs in hand toss with a flick of his chin towards the table . but he hardly thought about the possibility of what could have happened if he’d let go a second later because only a few seconds later he was setting the mugs down next to them . “ here we go — they had no fancy smancy tea hidden away in the cupboards so you’re gonna have to make do with good ol’ english breakfast . ” there was a smile shot her way as he lowered himself back down onto the edge of the couch before shifting backwards to allow his back to rest up back against the back cushion of the couch with a quiet sigh , “ but if you hate it ,. you can always pass it off to me — but i WILL say it is worth just having it there to dunk the gingernuts in . i HIGHLY recommend a couple of seconds . makes it not too mushy but just enough so it doesn’t feel like you break your bloody teeth when you bite into the damned thing . ”

it’s easier like this , with the NOISE of a college campus miles and miles away . she’d grumbled about the secrecy , always preferring to be in on making plans , but this was tommy , who knew her inside and out . there would be no hopping on a jet and flying off to ibiza for weekend of god knows what goes on there , because that wasn’t her . that wasn’t THEM . so she held his hand the whole drive there and tried not to think about how easy it’d be for her friends to put two - and - two together at this point . she’d been in and out of their flat , dodgy when it came to whether or not she’d be in her room early in the morning , and that was mostly due to staying at tommy’s . if they had more TIME , she would’ve eased them back into it more , but there’s a graduation on the horizon , and with it came a plane ticket back home and ultimately a MOVE to a city far , far away from him . mal hadn’t brought it up just yet . . . even if it weighed heavily on her thoughts when she curled into his side at night . BOSTON . it wasn’t a question of whether or not she was going . that much was inevitable , but bringing it up felt like a jinx , and if the end of this final semester was all she was going to get with tommy , if long distance wasn’t an option , she didn’t want to end it too soon . so she’d wrap herself up in his blankets and study with flashcards sprawled out on his floor . she’d leave her window open and muffle an uncontainable laughter as he climbed through , and she’d FINALLY sit down and watch treasure planet , urging him to geek out every step of the way . she would take every advantage of these last couple of months because , with him , it was easy to get caught up . it was easy to fall back into routine , just as they had with this weekend get away .

her fingers pulled at the ends of long , dark hair , and she’s lost in her own thoughts with the sound tommy rummaging around in the kitchen fading to the back of her mind . it wasn’t that she DIDN’T want to wholeheartedly be with him . . . it was just that telling other people meant hearing their opinions , and though her mind had been set for a while , his , as far as she knew , hadn’t been . telling their friends also meant a question would likely be dragged to the surface ; what are you guys going to do about boston ? she didn’t want to PRESSURE him into . . . anything he wasn’t ready for , and that , alone , was it own source of anxiety . but there never seemed to be a RIGHT time for these conversations , especially not this weekend . . even if it was slowly eating at her . the SWING of the kitchen door caught her attention , and she tries not to laugh at the sight . “ man , if only you had a girlfriend that you so easily could’ve called in there to help , ” she smiled propping her chin up in her hand as she sat cross - legged on the couch , eyes following him as he twisted through HOMEY furniture . truth be told , she wasn’t sure if it was the humble energy of the cottage . . . or tommy . . . that made her feel oddly AT HOME in a completely new place , but she had an inkling it was him . he’d always been a safe place , her hand tucked into his the closest thing to complete calm she could’ve asked for . it’s quite obvious , actually , in the way she mindlessly reaches for him and the way she searches for him in every crowd . there’s a small breath of laughter as he flings a packet onto the coffee table before setting down two mugs and relaxing into the cushions of the couch . mal is SMILING , halfheartedly hidden behind her hand as her chin still settled in her hand . it’s there , as always , in the reflection of watercolor eyes , maybe even more so in this moment than others . she loves this boy . without a doubt . tommy and his crooked grin , his artist’s hands , his soft laughter , his sweet voice –– especially as an unmistakable accent coats his words –– . . . she loved him , and even if the DISTANCE between them changed , even if her friends wouldn’t yet be on board , that was something that would never change . she blinks , realizing that she’s been caught staring again , hanging onto every one of his words . 

“ i’m sorry , it’s just –– ” a small bout of laughter escapes as she shifts in her spot , moving closer and turning to face him completely , elbow now on the back of the couch , “ i think that was probably the most impossibly british thing you’ve ever done . ” she glanced over at the table , unable to swallow the smile that warmed her features before she looked back at him . “ seriously , you walked into the kitchen THOMAS , and when you came out . . . you’re the lovechild of mary poppins and bert the chimney sweep , ” it’s a tease that’s wrapped in fondness , and the hand resting on the back of the couch moves , index finger lightly tracing down the bridge of his nose before tapping the tip , “ would not have been surprised to hear you singing in there . ” she’ll lean back with a hum , the melody of spoonful of sugar fluttering passed smiled lips as she reaches for a mug . it warms the surfaces of her palms , and does the same to her throat after a careful sip . “ happy to report you didn’t make two mugs for nothing , ” she sighed , and when she leans back onto the couch , she’s leaning back into his side . . . and it all feels . . . correct . like this was how things were meant to be . EASY & calm . she’ll close her eyes for a moment , inhaling as her hand reaches up to fiddle with the rose pendant on her necklace , and she’s thinking . it’s written all over her face . “ i need your opinion on something , ” she finally says , looking up at him under long lashes . her nose scrunches , and she’s quickly adding , “ two things , actually . ” she’ll shift again , not as to move away , but to see him better . “ first thing : say i impulsively dye my hair pink . . . or something . . . you’d still like me , right ? you’d still want to kiss me . like that’s not a dealbreaker for you ? ” it was partially a joke , if only to soften the seriousness of what comes next , “ and second thing –– . . . what do you think about , i don’t know , telling our friends about . . . this . . . when we get back ? ”

& just like that , any thoughts of any talk about impossibly unremarkable OTHERS fell from his mind as he caught quiet laughter against his lips . even if he didn’t REGRET anything last night there was no denying his emotions had gotten the better of him because this was more of what he’d been IMAGINING when he’d first kissed her last night . quiet , tender , but no less significant . one in which he could savour every moment & note the way her lips curved into the gentlest smiles against his own . something his own were not slow in mirroring . though that was until just like THAT she was pulling away , even if it was only to simply whisper sweet admittances before kissing him chastely again , his lips pulled down into a slight frown as his eyes slowly opened to allow their gaze to meet . she wasn’t the only one that could sit here & do this all day . he’d HAPPILY stay exactly where he was stealing kisses every chance he got in-between quiet , broken conversation about just exactly why he had the RIGHT to be smug . though i think the KISS was enough of an answer because just being able to KISS her again was all the excuse he needed . because even after EVERYTHING — him walking out without so much as an explanation , breaking her heart twice & finally allowing her to see the darkest parts of him — she still WANTED him . he’d never get tired of remembering THAT . but even if he could just so happily stay here with her FOREVER , he also knew she should probably go & tell her FAMILY about her success . even if it meant parting with her only a short while after FINALLY finding their way back together , something of which he wasn’t all THAT happy about . evident in the way he lent into one of her hands upon the side of face as a slight frown & quiet , excessive sigh slipped from between it , “ i guess they have the right to know about harvard . ” but even if the frown lingered for a moment it wasn’t long before it evened out to start to curve once more & allow the brightness of the smile to fill blue hues once more as they flickered over mal’s features , “ at least i’ll get a PROPER goodbye this time when you leave . ” it wasn’t everyday that he was given material to pull her up on lightheartedly & now that the initial HURT had passed , it would malia schafer was far from safe from hearing TEASING japes pertaining to the minute misstep of her part . but upon the thoughts of saying GOODBYE to her for the remainder of the night had just started to fill his head . there was a pause . a moment to process her words as there was a quirk of a single brow & a look of amusement falling across his features as a quiet smirk played at the corners of his lips as eyes flickered between her own , “ malia schafer , are you asking me out on a DATE ? ” for someone that had unsure about what came NEXT between them just before , she wasted no time in getting back into old ROUTINES . not that he would EVER be caught complaining about it . it wasn’t the first , & he doubted it’d be the last , time she would be the one to nudge their relationship forward — even if it was just by a simple date . though really , it wasn’t entirely just a SIMPLE date when he thought about it . it was their second FIRST date — calling her his girlfriend again had been EASY , it rolled of the tongue just as easily as her name did , but for some reason with a DATE to solidify it all made it all seem just that bit more real . they were THEM again , tommy & mal — mal & tommy , he doubted there was a single thing in the world that could be the HIGH he was one right now . “ because if you are — then i might just rearrange some things & let go of my HOPE of seeing you climb a trelli to say , no — i’m not busy tonight & that i’d love to go out with you on a date — again . ” the smirk upon his lips had faded into an affectionate smile as he continued , “ & even though i would be completely fine with holding up in my room & watching a movie with you , i cannot promise an uninterrupted night because who knows what’s going on with the idiots i live with . plus — i feel like a little something more than just our NORMAL night is warranted after , not only us getting back together but for the fact , you just got into HARVARD . so consider it dinner on the other side of town & after that , well — we’ll see what happens . the movie could still happen . ”

his hand lifted from where it rested behind her to let his fingers encircle around her wrist , the pad of his pointer finger coming to rest against her pulse point , as he took in a small breath . “ but if it doesn’t that’s okay . i get it if you want to sleep in your own bed tonight . save you from having to figure out a way back into your own place before you figure out how to make it — not so much of a challenge because you’re a right , oliver medina is a PUPPY compared to the girls that live with you . times like this , i’m glad i live with a bunch of IDIOTS that don’t really care what i do as long as i’m still alive & sober at the end of the day . ” his gaze softened under hers , a twinkle of mischief sparking in his eyes as he spoke again , “ i could always just scale the back of the house into your bedroom though if you’d rather not have to be the one that’s sneaking in & out like you’re doing something wrong . unlike you , it’ll probably take me a whole 2 seconds to get up there & i’ve done it before — it’s easy . so just say the word because like you said — we’re willing to do what we need to do to keep it & i do intend to KEEP it — keep YOU . so just say the word & i’ll be fucking spiderman twice a day . ” there was a quiet moment as a crooked grin pulled across his lips but slowly it turned softer once more , “ but it all seriousness — i mean it . if i can do anything to make it easier for you , i will . ” & he would because there was no denying that he got the EASIER side of everything . none of his friends saw mal any differently , they all still ADORED her , & they knew — even if there were some certain details left out that only one of the boys knew — why everything had happened . apart from some surprised shock & well meant teasing , mal would be able to seamlessly fall back into his life . but it was a bit of a different story on her end , she may have had a lucky streak but she sure did pull the short straw with this . but as his fingers shifted against her wrist  a smile still hadn’t shifted from his lips , “ but for now — i THINK you should be able to manage a clean exit & a clean entrance into your place so you don’t have to worry about that NOW because there’s only THREE things you have to worry about right now — ” his hand fell back once more to settle behind her as he lent forward once more , the tip of his nose grazing against hers before he paused for a moment , “ & that though are a . how you’re going to go about telling your family about harvard ,  b . how you’re going to say goodbye to me PROPERLY & c . seeing me later tonight on our second FIRST date . ”

it had come slowly . . . the way she LOVED him . slowly , and then suddenly , in moments that scattered along a twisting timeline . me and tommy ? c’mon , that’s not a THING . . . we’re just hanging out . friends hang out . it was hard to believe that there was ever a time that she insisted that’s all they were , all they could be . especially NOW , when she found it hard to look at him without her eyes giving it away . like nothing else she’d ever felt , like nobody else she’d known . . . she looked at thomas connelley like his hands , rough as they may be , hung each silvery star on a black canvas every night . . . like his laugh was the sole reason her lungs could fill with air and his smile brought the sun around every morning . . . like all of the world was BUSY and chaotic and loud , like her thoughts were tangled and shouted , and the simple feeling of his fingers slipped in between hers was the only thing that created QUIET . CALM . and she loved him for it , silently , to herself . mal wouldn’t say it out loud , not until he was READY , not until he laid it down first , but it was there , twinkling amongst the colors of her eyes . . . LOVE . in the purest sense . and being with him . . . made her happy in the purest sense . “ oh , YOU GUESS , huh ? ” her gaze momentarily drops to the upwards curving of his lips , and her hands are slipping , moving along his body until her palms rested against his chest . quiet laughter escapes her lips as she looks down , cheeks red from the subtle tease . never going to live that one down , she told herself , wishing she hadn’t left behind a note . . . wishing she had just stayed in bed until the sun wouldn’t allow either of them to sleep any longer . there’s a gentle shake of her head , tongue pressed against the inside of her cheek , fair enough . but it was completely UNFAIR to look up and find him just as smug as before . smirking over at her . “ thomas connelley , ” her fingertips toyed with the fabric of his shirt before she leaned forward , hands moving over his shoulders to lazily intertwine her fingers behind his head , “ i am , in fact , asking you out on a date . ” there’s a pause as her smile widens , taking on a smugness of her own . “ come on , ” her gaze flickers across his features , lingering on his lips for just a moment before moving back up to the way freckles specked the bridge of his nose , and then blue , blue eyes , “ there’s no one i’d rather spend my friday night with , and –– i mean , you know how hard it is to say no to me . ” teeth dig into her bottom lip as she bites. down on a smile that can’t seem to stop growing . she hadn’t worried much about him saying YES ; she’d only worried , a bit , about imposing upon other plans . . . but anything he’d had happening that night , he seemed more than willing to move around . “ i hate to be the bearer of bad news , but , ” her leaned forward , resting her forehead against his as a PLAYFULNESS slipped into her tone and her hands once again found their place just under his jawline , “ you should really abandon all hope of seeing me climb up your trellis . it’s just not going to happen . . . though i’m really happy this date is . ” she pulled back , just barely , and tilted her chin up in order to brush a faint kiss on the tip of his nose . “ dinner on the other side of town to celebrate in secrecy , and then . . . a movie at yours . or mine . either way . . . ” she leaned back again , lips settling into a smirk that could RIVAL his own , “ i feel like , in the spirit of honesty and full disclosure , i should tell you that movie or not , i fully plan on breaking my own first date rule by not leaving you on a front door step . . . because i don’t intend to sleep alone tonight . and NEITHER should you . ” 

it came EASILY , being like this with tommy . like this was the way it was meant to be , and being apart had been HARD because it was wrong . but if it doesn’t that’s okay . . . mal couldn’t fight the way her eyebrows quipped upwards in amusement . nor could she help the laughter that shook her shoulders . “ first of all , that bunch of idiots would probably DIE without you . they love you , whether any of you want to admit it or not . SECONDLY –– oliver medina only looks like a puppy compared to them because they’re protective . we all are , of each other . if it helps at all , i think you’ll have justine in your corner very , very soon . . . and she matters most , ” she gives an affirmative nod before recognizing the way blue LIGHTS UP with the twinkle of mischief . and it’s just another thing she loves about him . her head tilts back , slightly , and it’s solely because of the LAUGHTER . something about the image of tommy slipping out of her bedroom window in the early morning , climbing down just to run back to his own bedroom before anyone could catch them , elicited a happy kind of laughter . like a couple of LOVESTRUCK kids . “ alright , peter parker , as much as i appreciate you being so willing to scale the wall of my flat , i’d prefer our SECOND date not to be to an emergency room , so let’s try to keep the climbing to a minimum ? ” she bit down on her bottom lip , still grinning at the thought of it all . . . MOSTLY at the way he was so eager to make it work . they both wanted to make it work . “ however , if you don’t know what the boys are up to tonight , i happen to know that the girls of flat 12 will be out and about until at least two in the morning , so –– we could bank on the latter half of this date being at mine instead of yours . ” jade sparkled with the gleam of a tease as she sat up a little straighter , taking a feigned surprised tone , “ and , my gosh , wouldn’t you know it –– staying at MINE means there’s no chance of you waking up to a note without a PROPER goodbye . ” and if he was caught sneaking out , it just meant she’d have to tell her friends SOONER than she’d intended . . . but at least the window was a last ditch option at her place . there would be no third story escape from his . just a sneak down the stairs and out the side door . the more she thought about it , the more she had an INKLING that this would just overcomplicate things . but his touch shifted against her wrist , and his voice brought her back before she began to overthink . he was leaning closer , nose brushing against hers , and there was a fluttering in her stomach . every damn time . she hummed through a small smile , letting her arms slip behind him once more , fingers interlacing behind his head . “ hmm , tell me , tommy , what DO i have to worry about ? ” there’s a strained amount of self control that goes into preventing herself from cutting him off , leaning in just because she COULD . . . because no one was around . " oh , well those are all simple . nothing to worry about there . i just –– call the schafer men , and seeing you is pretty hard to mess up , but . . . that second one . . . i could be a little rusty on . ” the last few words were mumbled against his lips as she leaned in to kiss him again , a little less chaste this time , but tantalizingly slow as one hand splayed across the nape of his neck and the other slid to press against his chest . you couldn’t linger in a kiss like THAT for too long , for fear of it consuming you . . . but in its absence , it left you wanting MORE . which was exactly the purpose of a PROPER goodbye . she leaned back , just enough to allow a breath . “ i’ll see you at seven , ” she mumbled against his lips before smiling , and leaning in again . though her fingers grabbed at the fabric of his shirt , and there was no breaking a proper goodbye kiss , she was unraveling herself from him in other ways . hand sliding from the back of his neck , over his shoulder , and down his arm as her body stopped curving inwards and began to pull BACK . “ tonight , ” it was breathless , and quick kisses stood between every segment , “ seven . second first date . ” until finally , she broke away from him , standing and stepping down a few steps . . . but never letting the one hand slip from his . not yet . “ that should do it for a PROPER see you later , ” she squeezed his hand . not yet . “ hey , ” her eyebrows raised as she swung their hands slightly , “ your girlfriend got into harvard . . . ” there’s a particular giddiness in the way she says it . and she still isn’t quite ready to leave him . not yet . “ tell your sister , ” she took a step towards him again , leaning down as if to kiss him again , but instead leaving a quick kiss on his cheek , “ she was right , and i’ll see you later . ”

eyes switched from their gaze upon her features to her pointer finger as she stretched the space between his fingers into something a little BIGGER — something that represented the jealousy he’d felt FAR more than the pathetic amount he’d attempted to pass off as truth . but still there was gentle shake of his head , lips parting as there was every intention to ARGUE that the small space was correct . at least there HAD been every intention until a casual slip of honesty left mal’s lips & his features shifted as brows furrowed & he lent back ever so slightly to allow him a little more room to take a hard , long look at her . “ valentine’s gala ? another girl ? ” he repeated , there was another pause before another bout of quiet laughter slipped from his lips before he could manage to keep it contained , “ her ? god — NO . nora’s a friend . she likes will — has for YEARS . i went for the GUYS . ” his lips pulled into a small , soft smile brimming with amusement . not that he could really talk — at the sight of another’s jacket engulfing her figure he’d felt the unmistakable prickle of jealousy when he hadn’t known the full story behind it . “ she doesn’t live on the avenue , i said i’d pick her up . which is why i walked into the ridiculous valentine’s gala WITH her — all very much nothing like you thought . plus — you think there was really ANY other girl in the room that mattered when YOU were there ? i said you looked good but i lied — you looked GORGEOUS —- could have done without the jacket though . ” a grin replaced the gentle smile upon his lips as he gave her hand a gentle reassuring squeeze because at the end of the day they were really JUST as bad as each other . both jealous of the mere idea that the other had been with someone else when all they wanted to be was TOGETHER — even if it was at a ridiculous gala that neither felt all that comfortable at . it seemed quiet laughter had a mind of its own as his shoulders gently shook with yet another round before he finally sobered up , “ i never said you didn’t . lucky streak or not , your confidence is VALID . just that hair flip — phew .” words trailed off as he watched her eyes flicker down to his lips briefly , a smugness ghosting at the corners of his lips , before his own flickered between hers as they found his once more . this really WAS going to be a struggle . it had been EASIER before , when he’d known he wasn’t ALLOWED to reach for her . but now that he COULD — keeping a distance from her would be the only way in which any of this could work . there was a mischievous twinkle in his eye as he spoke once more , “ it might not be the best thing in the world to say you could be CONVINCED to go back on your word because it may just INSPIRE a little testing of the boundaries . ”

though as her bottom lip jutted out into an unamused pout , it faded as brows raised in question as there was a quick moment in which he believed that she was in fact HURT by the idea of one of the pillows she’d used the night before to build a pillow wall between them being used as an assault on oliver . but as she continued , the teasing in her voice became far more apparent & there was a small breath released as his head shook a little in disbelief , undoubtably paired with a dramatic roll of his eyes at her little show . “ can’t believe i was out here just about ready to APOLOGISE for using MY pillows in the ways i wanna use them . ” but it was it really THAT hard to believe ? at the hint of even the smallest pout , thomas connelley had a history of crumbling instantly . once that bottom lip jutted out , he was a goner even before he knew it himself . though as a pointed finger was directed towards him , all sign of smugness or confusion fell from his features as his own eyes widened in complete INNOCENCE . he would have even gone as far as raising his hands up but they stayed securely where they were . “ me ? SMUG ? please , i have NO idea what you’re talking about . however , even if i was , just like YOU with your confidence , i have every right to be SMUG . ” because just as she’d said , between last night , getting to call her his GIRLFRIEND again & finding out she’d managed to get into the school of her DREAMS , he really did have A LOT to be smug about . watching the softness once more take over mal’s features , he to softened . a gentle nod of his head following along with her words . he knew oliver meant well , but he could also very easily still STRANGLE him for it . “ i guess i can let him live this ONCE for opening his god damn mouth — just for you though . ” lips settled together in an attempt to halt the laughter that started to brim at the edges of his lips , but even as he spoke the laughter was visible in a small lit of amusement , “ i can promise to talk to him but i CAN’T promise there won’t be any teasing from his end , even with the threat of a garden hose . might just have to climb up the trellis outside my window to avoid him — that’s be a sight i’d pay to see . ” his fingers gently shifted against the back of her neck , as her eyes diverted from his back towards her own flat that stood quietly behind him , though it made no move to shift completely . the smile upon his lips softening as his eyes dipped downwards towards the gentle upon curving the corners of her lips . “ well they could have fooled me last night . but i get it , really — they only want the BEST for you . they’re no different than ME wanting the best for you or me wanting the best for the boy . ” there was however a small pause as a slight wrinkle appeared around a single nostril , “ ONE misstep is debatable , but i’m not going to be the one to debate THAT . i’ll just debate myself out of the relationship before i even really got a chance to be in it again . ” & no matter the mindless ramblings , her fingers that grazed against his arm soothed any sort of worry that came with being PARANOID about mal’s friends feelings about him because in the end , her feelings about him were really the ONLY feelings that mattered . he fell silent as her fingers graced against his skin as they dipped branch the chain around his neck , his eyes studying her features intently with every movement she made that only made him want to FORGET about the agreement & kiss her just like he’d WANTED since the moment she’d run to him brimming with excitement . his breath hitched within his throat as she guided him closer to her with gentle pressure against the chain . pressure he was MORE than happy to abide by . “ ME ? ” the smugness had once more crept back into his features as he grew closer & closer . lingering dangerously close to capturing the ever present smile upon her lips between his own . “ gotta admit — i love the sound of THAT option the most . ” his eyes didn’t even miss a beat , not even caring to glance outwards to the street to be CERTAIN no one was around , he was too lost in the depths of green & the pressure of her thumb & index finger finding their way to capture his chin between . a smile broke across his lips as he let out a quiet hum , “ you don’t have to ask me twice . ” he’d hardly completed the sentence before he lent forwards , fingers tightening their grip against the back of her neck to help guide her to meet him half way , lips capturing hers tenderly even as the corner of his lips curved into a smile .

mal had known better than to ASSUME , but when it came to tommy . . . when it came to tommy with another girl , months after their breakup , with everyone telling her it was time to MOVE ON , she couldn’t help but think the worst . one look at a pretty blonde in a pretty dress had her stomach SINKING . . . and the stem of a champagne flute slipped right between her fingers . it wasn’t a night she looked back on FONDLY . . . but there were silver linings , if she looked hard enough , like the fact that it sparked something between them again , a conversation of sorts . . . or the fact that at least now he knew how she’d felt , through it all . he knew she’d LOVED him . . . and she knew there was a faint glimmer of hope that got them where they were now . and even if they were sitting on his front steps , her fingers intertwined with his as he grinned and called her his GIRLFRIEND again . . . she couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassment at her own assumption . “ you say that like i was supposed to be in the LOOP about nora and her long standing crush on will , ” she shook her head , cheeks burning as she looked down at their hands , thinking about the way a suit jacket hung over her shoulders smelling like cologne she didn’t RECOGNIZE . how she’d wished it was his the moment she saw him sitting on that garden bench , cold february air making her shrink into the fabric . “ the jacket was . . . nothing , ” she exhaled , repeating the words she’d mumbled AGAINST his skin the night before , “ impossibly unremarkable . spent most of it arguing with you , actually . ” green eyes peeked up at him , softened at the thought of jealousy . . . wasted where it didn’t belong . she had always been HIS , all he needed to do was ask . . . and for MALIA , there was only tommy . “ not that i particularly want to talk about that . . . ” lips curved into a gentle smile , and to leave valentine’s day in the past would’ve been the best option . because they’d already come so far , comparatively . “ what ? not a fan ? ” her smile grew as she flipped her hair over her shoulder again . the soft sound of her own laughter filled the space between them , and she raised her eyebrows , settling into a look of amusement as tommy’s features took on a SMUGNESS that tightened her chest and fluttered in her stomach . a steady gaze flickered over his features , the crooked smirk , the sharp jaw , his faded freckles . . . “ you have no idea how badly i would love to see you TRY and test those boundaries , but –– ” she nodded , leaning into him slightly with the quickest glance down at that unmissable smirk , “ i think for my sake , i should just –– . . . ” she leaned back again , “ keep my distance . maybe not make this harder on myself . ” it was easier to do exactly that as her lips fell into a pout , and the smug look on his face dissipated . the POUT was something she’d perfected over years of being the youngest in the family . . . and it was a shame that , more often than not , it also worked on him . she held it , though , until the last second when he REALIZED just how well it worked . “ i just think it’s ironic , you know ? the same pillows I had to use to keep YOU in line were the ones YOU used to shut oliver up instead of simply telling him that things did not go EXACTLY the way he was probably thinking they did . because someone needed to ‘ cool it ’ , i think , was how you phrased it , ” she teased , making light of the situation despite knowing he was RIGHT in the moment and he was right now . there was no way either of them could say NOTHING happened when so much had , “ even if it was for the better . especially considering my little disappearing act this morning . ”

blue eyes WIDENED in a look of unknowing innocence , and mal could feel her heart leap at the action . it seemed that every time they were together , she found more to love about him hidden within smaller moments . . . like the way his lashes fluttered with a look of harmlessness . “ tell me , thomas connelley , ” mal propped her elbow up on the step above her only to rest her cheek in her palm , gazing over at him with a dramatized look of WONDER , “ what , exactly , do you have to be so smug about , hm ? ” her smile grew , however , as he began to talk about oliver . just for you , he’d said , as though he would ever let ANY harm come to his best friend . as though oliver slipping a good word in for him really could’ve caused a fight . “ yeah , ” mal’s hand dropped , nose wrinkling in the process , “ i’m afraid the sight of ME climbing up a trellis is something you’ll never have the pleasure of experiencing . i’m naturally very close to the ground , and for the most part , i like to keep it that way . . . ” her lips pursed as she feigned DEEP thought , a slight hum settling in the back of her throat before , “ i think ––  garden hose or not –– i can handle oliver medina just fine . maybe . hopefully . because sneaking in and out of my own flat is going to be . . . enough of a CHALLENGE . ” but , without a doubt , worth it . because despite her restlessness beforehand , despite her early morning departure . . . she’d ALWAYS gotten the best sleep when her dreams played in time to the steady sound of tommy’s breathing . something about being wrapped up in him fended off any shadows of worry that plagued her sleep . that was one thing that certainly hadn’t changed . she’d stay over there every night if she could , but sneaking back in . . . her eyes lingered on her own front door . THAT’S where the trouble came into play . she didn’t want to lie to the girls , and she wouldn’t , to justine , who would UNDERSTAND , for the most part . . . but she also didn’t need a sit - down lecture . not right now . not when she felt so unshakably happy . “ i think that had more to do with the fact that your jaw was so clenched you could’ve shattered it , ” she glanced back at him , lifting a brow at her next words , “ and that all it took was a MOMENT , and you’d convinced me to go home with you . ” she studied him for a second ; one misstep was what she’d drawn it all back to . the moment he’d decided to LEAVE because things got hard . that’s where things really went wrong . a small exhale passed her lips . “ my POINT is , i think we’re both a little more aware of what we want now . more certain about it . more clear on what we’re willing to do to get it and keep it . whether those be big things or , ” she broke into a smile as her fingertips grazed his arm and his grip shifted on the back of her neck , “ small , pillow - wall - building , things . ” and that smile stuck , parted only by hushed LAUGHTER as he leaned closer and closer . “ mhm , you , ” she nodded , letting the pressure on the back of her neck guide her forward as he caught her quiet giggling on his lips . she caved under his touch , shoulders relaxing as she leaned into him , hands lifting to rest lightly on his cheeks . it was GENTLE and slow , and probably everything he’d intended the night before as the faintest smile ghosted against her lips . she thought she could stay like this , wrapped up in him , forever if it were allowed . but it wasn’t , and she was the first to pull back , if only just enough to speak . “ see , that . . . that’s the kind of thing i will never get tired of , ” she whispered , smiling as she leaned in again , eyes still closed , for another kiss . just as chaste , a little quicker this time . “ and even though we BOTH know i could sit here and do this all , ” she swallowed , nose brushing lightly against his as she pulled further back to meet his gaze with her hands still resting on either side of his face , “ i should . . . probably go call my dad . and . . . my brothers . about harvard , y’know . ” her gaze flickered across his features , and a flushed smile tugged at her cheeks . THIS was happy . a kind of happy she hadn’t felt in a long time . “ but if you’re not busy tonight and i don’t have to CLIMB up any trellises , i could come by after . . . ” her thumb brushed across his skin , and she exhaled , “ we could –– i don’t know . . . get dinner on the other side of town or hole up in your room and watch a movie that i swear i won’t fall asleep five minutes into . whatever you're up for . ” 

upon her words his features turned , small wrinkles forming over the bridge of his nose as eyes diverted from her for a brief second & his head tilted . it wasn’t a SURPRISE , mal being right . she seemed to possess a talent for always ending up being the one to say I TOLD YOU SO .“ yeah —- NO . it’s still not ANY easy thing to hear you say . it still HURTS the ego a little bit . ” not that he could ever boast about having a BIG ego to begin with , but being RIGHT was something he was use to being . though relinquishing some of that habit when it concerned mal being right about him finding his way back to her , was far from something he was against . he’d give up being RIGHT every time if it meant mal finding her way back into his life , even if his display of false annoyance said otherwise . but it wasn’t long before his eyes found their way back to her , a smile returning to his lips the moment she came back into view . though they only lingered for a moment before his eyes turned downwards towards her thumb that glided against the back of his hand in small circles , a movement that calmed ANY last remaining whispers of the worry that lingered from this morning . it was a mindless ease the way her thumb moved against his skin , as if reaching for him & touching him was second nature to her — even after months of not being ALLOWED . they’d always fit well together , but he’d never realised just HOW well . the way her fingers slotted between the empty space between his , the way she fit perfectly under his chin when she lent up against him , the way her body seemed to curve with his own as he’d drawn her closer — it was no wonder neither of them had managed to MOVE ON , because how do you replace the one person that compliments you in ways you never thought were possible ? there was a gentle exhale as his gaze drifted back up to her , softening under her eyes that caught his . he really had been an IDIOT to believe there was any possible way he’d have been able to stomach mal being with someone else . he NEVER wanted to see her look at another the way she looked at him . his fingers gave a gentle squeeze against hers , “ i may have told you to move on & WANTED you to move on but —- you could say that i’m HAPPY you didn’t listen . at least not , completely because you may have been right last night — about me being JEALOUS . ” there was a pause as his hand rested behind her lifted to measure out a minute distance between his thumb & pointer finger , “ just a LITTLE , little jealous about hearing you’d been out a few times . ”

as his hand settled back behind her , his brows rose at the DRAMATICS displayed in front of him before a laugh , pure & simple , fell from between his lips . “ alright — talk about CONFIDENCE . ” but the twinkle that shone within his eyes was enough for anyone to know that he adored the girl in front of him & believed she wholeheartedly deserved to have every inch of confidence allowed . “ it’s not too late to go back on your word , you won’t hear any argument for ME because i am in fact very proud of my GIRLFRIEND for getting into harvard after she worked her ass off day in & day out to get there . it’s the least you deserve . ” a proud smile was displayed UNWAVERINGLY upon his lips as bright eyes danced across hers features . a smile that quickly mellowed as she spoke , bringing upon a wave of discomfort , visible in the way he shifted his weight slightly , as she expressed just a few moments in which she possibly FELL IN LOVE with him . but no matter the discomfort , instead of brushing the sincerity off as if it was NOTHING , he sat within it . allowing the tenderness to break it down & allow him to actually BELIEVE the words she spoke . he knew he had people that CARED about him , but hearing her voice it out loud — show him just how much she payed attention — it all became very REAL . in his mind he was always just —- there . the one everyone turned to when things got HARD & they needed help . he was a little relieved when her head tilted back & a small groan of despair left her lips , turning his attention onto something much easier to stomach . the smile pulled against the corners of his lips as an amused expression shifted his expression , his head falling to the side as her head came to rest within the crook of his neck . laughter melting with hers as his shoulders shook lightly , “ sorry — ” he started , though he couldn’t exactly say the apology was sincere . he wasn’t ENTIRELY — if at all — sorry for teasing the idea of kissing her but not following through . “ it’s been noted . i’ll try to keep THAT sort of thing to myself in the future . ” laughter died away quietly , even if the smile upon his lips didn’t , as her head lifted from his shoulder to catch his eyes once more . the lingering blush upon her cheeks was impossible to miss & the sight alone was enough to turn the nature of his smile into something a little more smirk-like . “ oh i think what went through his head is VERY easy to imagine . he never said it out loud but from the look on his face — oh , it was DEFINITLEY where his mind went & i can’t say i did all that much to convince him otherwise . BUT , he did earn a pillow to the face . even if all that earned was a ‘ you keep your secrets then , ’  so — maybe , looking back on it now , probably should have done more . but i couldn’t exactly say nothing happened because — something did in fact , happen . ” there was a quietness to him as the smugness in his smile faded , a small breath being inhaled as eyes diverted from mal for a moment . fucking , oliver . he should have known there was a chance oliver would have talked to mal . but he couldn’t help but also feel a little thankful — oliver could be an IDIOT , but for the most part he meant well & even if tommy spent the majority of the time looking out for HIM  — oliver looked out for him JUST as much .  eyes flickered back to her as his lips settled together in a thin line before they parted , “ i never asked him to say anything to you . i actually told him NOT to say anything but — i guess i have a thing for people that don’t listen to me when i want them to do something . but i’ll talk to him — properly & ask him to keep his mouth shut for once in his life . ” not that he imagined that would do any good in the long run , he had a habit of speaking before he actually processed his words . “ because even if i would LIKE to not have to control myself around you — i get it . ” the smile appeared once more upon his lips , even if there was a hint of a grimace within it . “ i don’t completely believe you — you’re about as biased as they come — some of the looks i’ve gotten ? fucking DAGGERS i’ll tell you . ” not that he really could BLAME them at all , he understood it . he was the same with his friends if anyone WRONGED them . but it was never the easiest thing to stomach . the smile upon his lips softened as the hand interlaced through hers lifted to brush against her cheek before it slipped to settle against the back of her neck , “ i know we’re okay & that’s the only thing that should REALLY matter but —- i just don’t want to cause any shit between you & your friends & make things hard & awkward for you . they’re your friends , they’re important . ”

“ oh is that right ? a little , little ? ” mal’s eyes NARROWED as they shifted to the tiniest space between his index finger and his thumb . with the faintest look of amusement , she lifted her free hand and used her pointer finger to gently push against his to make the space BIGGER . “ i think that’s more like it , ” she looked back at him , lips pressed in a proud little smirk as she ever - so - casually added , “ because THAT’S about where i was when you walked into that ridiculous valentine’s gala with . . . another girl . ” eyebrows quipped upwards , and there was laughter bubbling up in her stomach . . . especially as his own easy laughter broke the quietness . there was a WARMTH that began in her chest and spread to the rest of her body , founded in the way her heart fluttered at the sound of his laughter , at the way things seemed so EASY when they just allowed them to be . across from her sat a boy who made her heart race . . . her fingertips ache to reach out and touch . . . her cheeks hurt from SMILING . . . and aside from all that , across from her sat her BEST friend , who had been the most glaring missing piece from her every day for so long . the way they fell back into step with one another had to be a sign from fate herself that if everything else in her life was wrong , this would be the one thing she got RIGHT . this was how it was meant to be . “ i’m on a bit of a lucky streak , you know . . . yesterday was a pretty good day all around . and then there was LAST night –– no complaints there . between that , harvard , and you calling me your girlfriend , ” she lifted her hand , fingertips grazing along his jaw before dropping , “ with that ridiculous smile on your face , i’d say i’ve got what i need to back up a particular level of confidence thank you very much . ” she looked down at their intertwined fingers , how she sat turned towards him , how her knees nearly bumped against him , and she thought about taking it back . she stood by what she’d said earlier ; it was NOBODY’S business but theirs no matter if their relationship status was nonexistent or back together again . but still , knowing that she was allowed to be this close , that he WANTED her to be this close , and not being able to for the sake of OTHER people . “ as for going back on my word –– . . . ” she looked back up at him , gaze flickering between his eyes , briefly down to his lips , then back up with the ghost of a smirk on her own , “ i could probably be convinced to do so . maybe . . . i mean , at this rate , i’ll be caving far before i planned on it anyway , but–– . . . ” the softness of sincerity is settled in her smile as she shakes her head slightly , “ hearing you say it out loud to just me is just as good . if not BETTER . ”

there was a shift in his demeanor , though , when she allowed herself to lean into the softer side of what was on her mind . that was one of the BIGGEST differences between the two of them , the way they received love . mal had been used to it ; she loved HARDER than most people and received love with open arms . for a long time , she hadn’t yet been JADED , and that got her into trouble more than once . but tommy . she knew now that his life had lacked a tenderness that came hand - in - hand with being love . she knew now that he had heard on more than one occasion , from more than one person who was supposed to LOVE him , that he was nothing . that he was going to be nothing . so when the vaguest discomfort faltered on his features , she knew he was struggling with it . . . but sitting with it nonetheless . not recoiling . not back tracking . not pulling away . it was already a leap forward from what used to be , so she didn’t waver . instead , she simply kept her soft grip on his hand , thumb still tracing soothing circles , until they both shifted back into a place of EASE . . . well , for him at least because the sorry fell from his lips sounded anything but , and she shook her head as it rested against him . “ i don’t completely believe that you will try to keep that to yourself , ” she sighed , sitting up and wrinkling her nose at the idea of it all . her OWN idea . . . coming back to haunt her before it’d really even started . her hand pressed against her forehead , and she groaned at the thought of oliver allowing his mind to wander straight into the gutter . . . not that the kid was all the way wrong , but it was still OLIVER . and tommy was still smirking at the thought . “ a pillow to the face ? ” her hand slipped to rest against her cheek as her lips fell into somewhat of an unamused pout , “ you mean one of the pillows i used to build a wall after you so adamantly said you stay there for a minute –– . . . ” there’s a gentle tease that’s evident in the way the end of her sentence dips into a nearly perfect IMITATION of his accent . she pointed at him , pout giving way to a smile that widened just as her eyes did . “ YOU , thomas connelley , have absolutely NOTHING to be so smug about right now , ” but she’s laughing a little bit harder with each word that comes out of her mouth , and she’s long since fallen in love with the way his SMIRK is just crooked enough to cause a fluttering in her stomach . it only only subsides as his does , settling into a gentle smile as tommy’s eyes flickered away from her own . “ i know . he didn’t say much . nothing specific , nothing you would’ve told him in confidence . mostly just that you had things going on , but that’d you’d figure it out . . . so i shouldn’t give up on you , ” her voice was quiet , soothing in its nature in hopes of easing any nerves that might’ve come from her bringing it up . if ANYTHING , that conversation with oliver had been a bit of a saving grace . . . made her feel a little LESS crazy when it came to the way things were left . you didn’t do anything wrong , he’d said . “ he meant well . and it worked out for YOU , but talking to him about this would probably be for the best . and feel free to let him know that if he plans to tease me about it , he better make sure we’re far , FAR away from any garden hoses , ” light laughter fell from her lips , and her smile didn’t waver at his next comment , despite the fact that it earned a gentle eye roll . “ look , just because they’ve GLARED doesn’t mean they hate you . they just –– ” she looked past him at the front door of her flat , smiling to herself as she looked back at him , “ there’s a lot of love in flat 12 . they just want to see me HAPPY . they’ve actually come around to us being friends being something that makes me happy , for the most part . when they realize being more than that makes me HAPPIEST , they’ll come around . they’ve just got to understand that one misstep doesn’t define a relationship . ” she sighed as his hand settled on the back of her neck . he was NOT making any of this easy for her . “ you and i are much , much bigger than one misstep , ” her fingertips gently brushed against his arm as her eyes flickered between his , “ i appreciate you being cool with this , though . takes a lot of the pressure off –– . . . ” her voice trailed off slightly as she reached forward , fingertips dipping underneath the gold chain at the back of his neck , lightly brushing against his skin as she traced it around the collar of his shirt , “ which means i can focus on the IMPORTANT things . ” she stopped near his collarbone , pointer finger drawing a line as light as a feather up the curve of his neck . “ like harvard . . . and graduation . . . ” her finger hooked under his chin , urging him closer as the faintest grin found its way back to her lips , “ YOU . ” she let out a sigh , glancing down at the curve of his mouth before back up to stormy blue eyes . “ you know , it’s pretty quiet out here , and i’ve got that LUCKY streak going . so i could bend the rules just once –– . . . ” mal leaned in a little bit closer , hand shifting so that she held his chin between her thumb and her index finger as her voice dropped into a quiet whisper , “ tommy , kiss me . ”

watching how she reacted to his touch was something he’d NEVER get tired of . the way her cheek turned into his palm , eyes fluttering closed — she’d said she felt SAFE with him but words could easily be ignored . actions on the other hand were far HARDER to push aside & deem untrue . no one could fake the look of serenity that seemed to linger within the corners of her features & knowing that she knew EVERYTHING — she’d seen his knuckles bruised & bloody — only made the warmth spreading from the centre of his chest burn hotter . it was all he’d WANTED for her to be happy — SAFE . but it was just recently , just last night , that he’d realised for certain that HE was the one that made her happy & safe — no one else , HIM . & if that wasn’t enough to convince him that there was no way in HELL mal would ever deem him TOO MUCH , there wasn’t a thing in this world that could . it was all he NEEDED . as long as he knew she felt safe with him , he wouldn’t let her go . & as her fingers slipped into the spaced between his , grip tightening a little against her hand , his hand gave a gentle nod of understanding . “ we can do that — just friends in public . easy — been doing it for the last few months , a little while longer won’t kill me . keeping things behind closed doors is enough . ” there was a lit of lightheartness laced throughout his words , but as she shifted their hands between them — eyes catching onto serious green that starred back at him , he grew more reserved . a tone of unwavering certainty taking over his voice once more as he slipped in a quick reassurance as her lips brushed against his knuckles , unable to allow a moment to pass to allow her to think there was some hesitancy within him . “ i won’t — i WON’T shut you out . i promise . ” by the time his head stopped its subtle shake ,  eyes caught on a subtle sweet smile pulling at her lips as promises of not allowing a repeat of this morning to happen again slipped from between them . his own curved into a smile that settled comfortable upon his lips as his eyes studied every INCH of her features he knew like the back of his hand . she was his . she always HAD been his . it felt like a DREAM . it felt like any moment he would jerk awake & be thrown back into the reality of what was life without malia schafer . but the warmth of her hand encompassing his own & the steadying pressure of her chin rested atop told him it was REAL . they were here — finally finding their way back to each other after MONTHS spent apart .

“ every morning & every night ? ” he started , the curve of his lips growing as he spoke , “ don’t think i won’t hold you to that promise , malia schafer , because i doubt i’ll EVER get tired of hearing that you want to be with me . ” a settling breath was inhaled as his fingers shifted a little within hers , carefully removing themselves from her grasp as he pushed himself across the surface of the step to settle a little closer to her . one hand coming to settle against the step above beside her as the other free one found her hand once more , “ i guess you were right about the whole — good things have a way of finding their way back to you when the time’s right . ” the smile upon his lips was never ending as his gaze flitted between jade eyes that shone back the love within his own gaze , “ because here you are . ” another breath was inhaled & exhaled as he took another moment to simply LOOK at her . “ being together is an option & the only option i want . & not just because my girlfriend goes to harvard sounds pretty damn good in my head —- & sounds even better said out loud as well —- but because you’re it for me . you’re the only person i want . i’m yours , malia . & you’re mine . ” his eyes flickered down towards her lips for a moment , allowing them to linger upon them before his eyes drew upwards to hers once more , “ i’d kiss you right now but since i just agreed to keeping it just friends in PUBLIC —- i don’t think i should because anyone could just walk past right now & see us —- this is already not as easy as i thought it was going to be . ” his nose wrinkled slightly before lips parted with a small breath , “ oh —- there is one thing you need to know though . about the whole easing into it publicly thing —- oliver might ALREADY know something happened . ” there was an innocence to his smile as it widened , “ he knows nothing . BUT , you left your shirt on the back of my chair & well —- i never pegged him as the observant type but apparently he remembered you wearing it last night & even he’s not THAT thick . but look at the bright side , at least my place is safe-ish for us to be behind closed doors in since he’s the only one that’ll make a big deal out of it & since he’s already gotten it out of his system with me , all you gotta do is threaten him with a garden hose & we’ll be good to go . ”

“ every morning and every night , ” she nodded , the easiest kind of smile turning the corners of her lips upwards , “ and a couple times in between , too , if you like hearing it that much . it’d be an EASY promise to keep , thomas connelley . ” her tone was playful , sure , but sincere nonetheless . . . because given this chance , she’d silently promise him that not a day would go by that he didn’t feel LOVED . even if she wouldn’t say it in so many words , he’d know . he was the FIRST one she looked for in every room , and when she found him it was hard to miss the way she’d make herself taller by standing on her toes , the way she’d light up with the brightest grin when she caught her eyes , the way spring came to life in her own eyes . . . all just because she LOVED one boy . he moved closer , letting one hand rest behind her as the other reached out towards her . her thumb ran over simple silver band on his middle finger , feeling a small swell in her chest as she did so . damn piece of tin had been a silver lining for MONTHS –– a tiny flash of hope that so long as he was wearing it , maybe he was still thinking of her as often as she’d been thinking of him . “ yeah , this is the one time i feel like i can say I TOLD YOU SO without it pouring salt in a cut , ” mal laughed , shaking her head as she felt her cheeks heat up in the faintest blush . she could feel the way his gaze lingered , and it was similar , she thought , to the way she’d looked at him the night before , SLEEP still draped heavily over them both –– . . . that softened look , just making sure this wasn’t a DREAM . her lips parted in a small intake of air , and she wanted to tell him to never stop looking at her like that . instead , she simply exhaled slower , looking down as her thumb traced small circles on the back of his hand . “ i was never really out of reach , you know , ” it was soft . . . and more true than he could know . there hadn’t been a day that she DIDN’T think about him . even as summer passed and she spent all of her time doing everything to forget him in different parts of the world . even as the semester began and she THREW herself into her friends . even when she’d seemed to be fully moved on , she’d thought of him . she’d missed him . she looked back up , catching his eye , “ i was just . . . waiting for you to be ready . hoping you’d get there . and here we are . ” here they were , nearly a year after they’d broken up , sitting on his front steps and watching everything fall back into place . . . and time had clearly passed because he appeared to have his HEART heavy on his sleeve . they’d grown . TOWARDS each other . just like she’d hoped . laughter followed . 

“ oh your GIRLFRIEND got into harvard , did she ? pretty impressive , ” mal raised her eyebrows , shaking her head as she held on to that crystal gaze . he was right to say it when he did . . . she was COMPLETELY taken with him , “ it does sound good out loud . i mean , i might need to rethink this lowkey in public thing if you’re going to . . . ” her words took on a teasing tone as she lifted her free hand , dramatically flipping her hair over her shoulder , “ BRAG about me . ” it was humbled by the light sound of more laughter that only faded as she inhaled , settling back into a more serious tone . i’m yours . i’m yours . i’m yours . it was EVERYTHING , hearing him say it out loud without any hesitation , and it was worth the wait ten times over to be where they were now . and you’re mine . “ tommy , i’ve been yours since the first time i saw you talk about HAPPY endings in animation . . . since you nearly got us caught trespassing in the gardens . . . since our train back from brighton was three hours late and i realized i didn’t CARE because i was with you , ” there was a subtle shake of her head as she peered over at him , taken , “ i’d rather be exhausted in a crowded train station WITH you than anywhere without you . i’ve been yours for a long time , and i don’t plan on that changing . ” she watched as his gaze dropped down to her lips , instinctually leaning closer , only for him to look back up and speak . her head tilted back , as she let out a small groan . “ oh my god , PLEASE for the sake of my poor , overworked heart , do not tell me you want to kiss me and then say you can’t , ” she laughed , leaning forward after a moment , resting her head in the crook of his neck , “ it’s not fair . just keep it to yourself and do it later . ” words laced with laughter quieted as he began to talk again , and her brows furrowed wondering where this could POSSIBLY be going . . . and it led straight to oliver . “ oh . . . that’s . . . right , ” and there was no reason for her cheeks to flush BRIGHTER than they had all day , but something about the notion of her shirt draped over the back of tommy’s desk chair called out by ollie had her stomach fluttering , “ i –– . . . don’t even want to THINK about what could’ve possibly gone through that boy’s mind . ” she sighed , sitting back up to catch tommy’s eye as a smile settled on her lips , subtle , but happy . “ well , the other good news –– aside from YOUR place being safe-ish is that ollie has a mouth on him if nothing else , so you might not have to worry about the DIFFICULTY of being just friends in public for long . seeing as he probably got a massive kick out of that one . can’t say i want to know what he said to you when he saw it , ” but despite her words , a look of fondness crept into her features . oliver might’ve been the ONLY other person on campus that loved tommy just as much as she did , “ mm , garden hoses are a last resort kind of thing . –– besides , ollie actually . . . he and i talked at one point back when school started back up . told me not to give up hope on you just yet . so i suppose it’s only right that he’s first to know . . . ”  she glanced past him , looking over at her own flat just next to his . “  they’ll come around . my friends –– . . . ” mal swallowed , pursing her lips before looking back at tommy , “ they were just there for the fallout , so they’re JUST wary . they don’t hate you or anything . quite the opposite , actually . it’s sort’a impossible to hate YOU , honestly , but . . . ” she tilted her head , taking a long look at him as a subtle smile slipped back onto her lips , “ you and me . either way . we’re okay . ”

opening up , allowing another to see what lay beneath the STOIC facade perfected over the course of YEARS , was something that would never become INSTINCTUAL to him . he would never find being vulnerable easy , but with every time he let mal see behind the walls he’d once kept her from trying to climb he kept finding it just THAT bit easier to do .  the fact he knew HER feelings about him may have helped him , that there was no threat of getting hurt , but he liked to think it had more to do with the fact that he WANTED to make this — THEM work . he knew what a life without malia schafer was like , & even though he COULD survive on his own without her — he didn’t WANT to . she helped him in more ways than she’d ever know & seeing her so HAPPY — he wanted to be there to witness that time & time again as she reached milestone after milestone on the way to reaching her dream . he wanted to be there with her through it ALL , no matter what . because as she lent closer , pressing a kiss against his shoulder , it felt like the most RIGHT thing in the world . being with her felt like the most RIGHT thing in the world . she did more for him than he’d ever be able to put into words & if getting to LOVE HER was the last happy thing the universe allowed , he’d be okay with it . she was ALL he wanted . his gaze followed her movements as she shifted , posture straightening slightly to allow their line of sight to meet easily , a smile lingering upon his lips as he hummed quietly with a gentle nod of his head , “ mhmm — JUST you . ” but the lingering smile slipped from his lips , features turning more ATTENTIVE as her gaze flickered down to his lips for a feeling moment . that alone was enough to cause a fluttering of his heart as his eyes flittered between hers — waiting . because even if there was no VERBAL consent , his head edged half an inch closer before eyes dropped to her lips as she lent forward . & as he felt the softness of her lips against his , his eyes fell closed . it was slow , GENTLE — reminiscent of what the kiss last night was meant ONLY to be — & he savoured every moment of it as he allowed her to take control . even as there was a break & he wanted to case , he let her set the pace . only locking his lips with hers as she returned . a gentle breath slipped from his lips as she pulled away , the tip of her nose brushing against his as she receded , & it wasn’t until a quiet whisper broke the silence that his eyes fluttered open to bring her into attentive focus . a smile cracked the corners of his lips , but as he noted the crease of her brows it faded just as quickly as it had come . because in his mind , even if he didn’t know where to go from here either — everything would fall into place if they were together . but it seemed there was something else nagging at the back of her mind that didn’t make this AS easy for her as it was for him .

silence overtook him once more as he allowed her to get out every piece of worry in her mind without any distractions or interruptions . or maybe more importantly no JUDGEMENT . it was a valid WORRY — her being scared of being hurt AGAIN , her not wanting to lose him for a SECOND time , her not wanting to put her heart on the line in case he wasn’t 100% certain . he couldn’t BLAME her . he wasn’t blind to the fact that his actions , no matter how well intended they’d been , had broken some of the TRUST she’d had in him . you couldn’t HURT someone & expect there to be no fall out . you couldn’t expect things to be EXACTLY the same . & he didn’t expect it to be exactly the same , he didn’t expect her to give him her heart without ANY reservations . if he was honest , he wouldn’t want her to & he sure didn’t want things to be exactly the same . because even if there was no denying that he’d LOVED her , that they’d been good for one another , there had been an aspect of FANTASY , created in an attempt to combat the ever lingering imposter syndrome , built within their relationship by the way he’d tried to be the person he WANTED to be without actually being that person . & now ? now , even if he still had a ways to go , he was the closest he’d ever been to ACTUALLY feeling like he was becoming the person he wanted to be . he was READY for everything that came with being with someone — TRULY with someone . the vulnerability , the fact that there was someone there that loved him UNCONDITIONALLY , the acceptance that things didn’t have to be PERFECT — he was ready for it ALL . they’d always be MAL & TOMMY but he hoped that with a few months of growth behind them that they’d become something BETTER than they were before & not just for his sake but for MAL’S sake as well . lips settled together in a quiet moment that fell between them as she grew quiet , but it wasn’t long before they parted once more — his hand shifting to allow his thumb a point finger to capture her chin between them as he gently tilted her head upwards . “ hey — look at me . ” his head dipped a little closer towards hers as he started , “ you’re not pushing me into something i’m not ready for . ” his tone was unwavering ,  “ because i’m NOT rushing into this , i’m coming in with my eyes wide open . i wasn’t ready before — we both know that now . but i am ready NOW . i might still be figuring some things out & i might still trip up in the FUTURE , i can’t promise you i won’t — but like i told you before i’m TRYING , i’m LEARNING to let you in . you think i’d be able to tell you all of this even a month — hell , even a few weeks ago ? because i can tell you i wouldn’t have been able to . but i AM , i’m here telling you that i’ve never been more CERTAIN about anything for a while because i want to be with YOU — i want us to WORK this time . you’re the only one that i picture me being with because no one else makes SENSE . & i know i hurt you but i promise you , malia , that i’ll try every day to make sure THAT never happens again . ” his hand slipped from her chin to graze his fingertips against her jawline as it settled against her cheek , “ no hesitations . no reservations . i don’t want you to wait , i’m ALL IN . i WANT to be with you . ” his head gave a firm nod as his eyes held hers , “ we can take it as slow as you want to take it , we can ease back into us being an US again . we don’t have to announce it to the WORLD — it’s probably better if we don’t for not only YOUR friends sake but for you as well because none of them are exactly my biggest fans , at least —- not unless YOU want to tell them . we can take it one day at a time & figure things out as they come up . but we’ll figure all that out TOGETHER because i want to be with you , malia . & you might not know where to go next but all you have to say is that you want to be with me —- it’s as simple as that . say you want to be with me & i’m yours . ”

lashes flutter and she’s met with the softest shade of deep BLUE . she could drown in them , if she let herself ; it would’ve been easy to do with the way they softened at the sight of her or lit up when he smiled . those damned eyes –– blue and sad and ATTENTIVE –– were too hard to look at when her mind wandered back to the night they’d broken up . . . the night he’d simply said i can’t do this anymore before walking out of her life . no explanation . . . until MONTHS later , softened by friendship neither of them could’ve seen coming , not after the way things ended . despite the fact that she knew now what his reasoning was , despite the fact that she KNEW with everything in her that he’d never meant to cause her any pain –– that he was just doing what he thought was best for her –– it still made her stomach sink , thinking about it . she couldn’t do it again ; she WOULDN’T . so she needed him to be sure because there was little to nothing that SHE was more positive about . the night before , he’d leaned down to kiss the top of her head , whispering a goodnight , malia that she hadn’t realized she’d been LONGING to hear . mal had slipped easily into a comfortable sleep , nuzzled into the crook of his neck , feeling more at home wrapped up in him than she had since she’d actually taken a trip back home . sleep had come easily , and when she stirred in the night , sleepily blinking at the figure next to her , she found herself reaching out to him , fingertips brushing against his skin just to make sure he wasn’t a DREAM . even now she felt the urge to reach back out to him , to grab the hand she was looking down at and trace the lines of his palms . NERVES were the only thing stopping her . . . because when she wasn’t overthinking it , things were easy . being with him was easy without the nagging feeling of what could happen if he wasn’t READY , if he decided to change his mind . her thoughts lingered there , in a place of worry , until he gently touched her face , quiet voice calling for her attention as he tilted her face up to look at him . green eyes widened , glassy with a quiet need to hear him tell her that he was SURE . “ tommy , i –– . . . ” but it was lost under her breath , disappearing into the air as he began to speak . and the words that came tumbling out of his mouth seemed to be everything she NEEDED to hear . 

tommy’s fingertips grazed along her jawline , and she stilled under the touch . once again , she found herself in AWE of the way rough hands handled her , gentle as ever and unconsciously comforting . mal leaned into it , eyes closing as she listened to the sound of his voice . we’ll figure that all out together . . . there was the same security in his tone that she found last night when he’d whispered we’re okay across the bedsheets . when she opened her eyes , SINCERITY was all she saw . say you want to be with me , and i’m yours . there was simplicity in the statement , and the implication that it could be that EASY . . . that the boy she’d loved relentlessly was just within her grasp , had her breath caught in the back of her throat . she reached up , wrapping her fingers around his wrist with care before sliding her hand over his . “ we . . . ease into it publicly , ” as she pulls his hand away from her cheek , her fingers slip into the spaces between his , “ and that’s not because my friends don’t like you . it’s just –– not anyone else’s business . there’s . . . less pressure there , i think . ” her hands wrap around his , bringing intertwined fingers in between the two of them . “ you can’t shut me out , tommy . i mean it . in order for this to work , you can’t . even when things get really , really hard . . . because i’m NOT going anywhere , ” she brings her lips to his knuckled , brushing a light kiss against his skin before continuing , “ i’m yours for as long as you’ll keep me . . . so i’m not going anywhere . especially not –– early in the morning . . . ”  her words give way to a SMILE , sweet in its nature , and a picture of the happiness that brimmed within her chest , “ . . . while you’re sleeping with nothing but a post - it note to vaguely explain what’s happened . no more of that . no more HOLDING back . because –– . . . ” her gaze flickers over the features of his face , studying him for a moment . cheeks dusted with freckles , eyes as blue as a stormy sky , a smile that could soften the sharpest edges , even if it was rarely seen at its FULLEST capacity . she exhales , and it’s like the heaviest weight is falling away from her shoulders . she’d felt ridiculous , at times , holding on to something –– SOMEONE –– who had seemed to let her go months ago , and it was exhausting , pretending she didn’t miss him . maybe that was why it’d been so easy for her to FALL back in given the chance ; after all , she never truly fell out in the first place . malia schafer was a GONER the first time he’d said her name in that gentle whisper , many , many months ago . “ of course i want to be with you , ” she shook her head , corners of her lips upturned in the faintest smile , “ i wouldn’t . . . keep coming back if i didn’t WANT to be with you . but i’ll keep saying it . i’ll say it every morning and every night if it means i get to keep you . ” her hands remained wrapped around his as she leaned forward , resting her chin on top of them as she gazed over at him . a softened green gaze said everything she wasn’t saying , over and over . it was always there in the way she looked at him : she loved this boy . “ so if being together is an option , i don’t want to waste anymore time trying anything with anyone else . ” she sighed , shaking her head , “ if you’re mine , i’m yours . though i don’t think that ever changed for me . not really . ”

it hadn’t taken MUCH for the worry to be pushed to the BACK of his mind once the excitement radiating off of her had been given a reason . one minute he’d be hesitant , confusion painted across features as she’d approached as if NOTHING had happened — as if she hadn’t up & left in the morning without anything other than a vague note — & the next he’d be CAUGHT up in the excitement as well , acting as if everything was OKAY . like there wasn’t a part of him that was still trying to convince him that she regretted it ALL . but it had always been the way , he’d always been capable of pushing his own FEELINGS away when they weren’t the right ones for the situation . though maybe , just maybe , there was also the fact that this was MALIA & her dream that he’d watched grow & blossom into something that could be within reach that had made it so easy for him to be swept up by it ALL . but the thing was , thoughts pushed to the back of his mind always had a way of resurfacing . the excitement had only been a bandaid , something that would eventually had to be RIPPED off to allow the wound beneath air to breath . & as her laughter quietened along with the initial SHOCKED excitement brought on by her achievement , the worry came CREEPING back . tainting the gentle brush of the pad of her thumb against the curve of his bottom lip & the gentle bump of her nose against his own . the CONFUSION settled back in , a crease forming between his brows once more . he HATED that this moment was tainted by the hanging confusion over where THEY stood . he felt SELFISH for wanting to ask her about what had happened . he was PROUD of her , there was no doubt about it , but until he KNEW what was going on in her mind any moment that followed wouldn’t be as treasured as it should . he swallowed as he carefully set her back down on the ground , only allowing his arms to slip from her waist once he was sure she’d found her footing , before a faint smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes took over the BEAMING grin that had been plastered upon his lips seconds ago . it felt ODD to be the one on the other end of mixed messages & it made him want to apologise to ANYONE he’d ever left wondering what had happened all over again . but even so , no matter what was going on in his head , he didn’t retreat as mal’s fingers reached for his . he didn’t retreat as she started towards the front steps of his place , he followed — quietly — tucking away every admission away & holding onto them TIGHTLY . he was the FIRST person she’d wanted to tell . before her friends — before her FAMILY . that alone should have been enough to settle every piece of WORRY that had latched itself onto him & a part of him wanted to interrupt her to tell her how HAPPY it had made him . but the overwhelming majority told him to stay quiet . to let her get out everything she WANTED to say just like she’d done for him so many times before .

so he settled quietly on the step beside her , eyes focusing upon the cracked & weathered path that led up to flat #14 as her voice grew softer with every pause between sentences . the once RAMBLED excited fading from her voice as sincerity took its place & his eyes FINALLY lifted up to her as an apology came from between parted lips . he should have KNOWN . he should have TRUSTED not only what amelia had said , but what his GUT had told him . malia schafer wasn’t someone that LEFT . she was someone that STAYED — even when things got hard . OF COURSE there was a logical explanation for her disappearance this morning . & if THAT hadn’t lifted the weight that had been settling upon his chest all day , her next words certainly did . clouded blue shifted from his gaze to allow a twinkle of the same HAPPINESS that had shone when he’d seen the congratulations ! printed upon the page . she didn’t regret a thing . she hadn’t fallen out of LOVE with him . just like last night , she wanted him just as much as he’d wanted her . it was music to his ears — just you , just you , just you . maybe they still had some OBSTACLES ahead but they only had to tackle one at time as they appeared . all that mattered in this moment was that she hadn’t changed her mind . it was near impossible to keep his lips from breaking into a smile , but by some MIRACLE his features stayed attentive as he held her gaze . “ i won’t lie & say it was EASY — waking up to find you gone & a post-it sticker as the ONLY thing for an explanation —-… especially when you always made a point of saying GOODBYE . ” he’d lost count of the amount of times a quiet noise had caught his attention as he’d gotten up to leave , a quiet noise that had him always turning back to give her the PROPER goodbye she’d wanted . “ because i DID think that maybe you’d changed your mind . that you REGRETTED everything that happened last night — & i don’t just mean the whole — LATTER part — but even just leaving the party with me after i came to find you . & i spent the whole day with amelia going over EVERYTHING trying to make sense of it all because last night — last night was the most CERTAIN i’d been about anything & i’d thought you felt the same . so what was i meant to think when i woke up with you GONE & you hadn’t kept your own habit of ALWAYS saying goodbye ? ” his eyes flickered between hers as he took in a breath , “ & then you come running up to me now ? acting as if nothing happened ? don’t get me WRONG , i’m glad i was the first person you wanted to tell . i’m glad that i was — am the first person that you think of when ANYTHING happens . it was just — it was confusing to say the least . but —- ” another pause came as his eyes softened under her gaze , the corners of his lips allowing a ghost of the smile that wanted to break through , “ you’re not the only one that doesn’t want messy or complicated or hard with ANYONE else —- i meant what i said last night . about only wanting YOU . ALWAYS . about how asking you to move on was a MISTAKE . because i ALWAYS want to be that person you come to when something happens , good — bad — doesn’t matter . i WANT to be the person you first think about . just like i want you to be MINE . i’ve known it for awhile but it wasn’t until last night that it all became abundantly clear & —- there might be still some uncertainty about some things but if there’s one thing i am CERTAIN about . it’s YOU —- i want YOU , malia . JUST YOU .  ”

there was a sinking in her stomach , when he brought up a HABIT she was so adamant about keeping . she never left home without saying a goodbye , i love you . she never left her flat without POPPING IN on justine –– if they were both home –– just to let her know she’d see her later . and with tommy , it was never any different . he could’ve been working , stylus in hand and completely ZONED out , and she’d still take a moment to stop , gently grab his chin to grab his attention for just a second , and steal a kiss on his lips , then against his cheek , murmuring a see you later before darting off along her way . it started at home , something her family ALWAYS did . . . for the sake of their mother . a goodbye , i love you was the last thing they heard from each other before LEAVING , just in case it was the last time they left . a bit bleak , in theory , but a reminder in practice that no matter what was going on that day , no matter how ANGRY you were , how late you were , how tired your were . . . you were on someone’s mind , someone who loved you . being away from home made it harder for mal to keep up this practice , and she’d cheated her way out of it with a note , a quiet kiss , and a guilty feeling shoved deep down into her stomach that morning with tommy . the whole day had been a mess , but if she had just taken a minute to STOP and think , to reach out to him , to let him know that no , she wasn’t changing her mind –– . . . maybe HE wouldn’t have spent the day with a pit in his stomach . she knew what it was like , being on the receiving end of a mixed signal . there was nothing enjoyable about trying to guess what someone else was thinking , especially when you’d carefully placed your heart into their hands and were waiting to see what they’d do with it . “ i know , ” it’s whispered , and she has the urge to APOLOGIZE again . in fact , her lips part to form the words , but before she could , he was speaking again . . . he was SMILING again . if there was any lingering DOUBT form last night . . . any feeling that what happened was due to his HEIGHTENED emotions or just needing a warm body to sleep next to on a rough night . . . if any of that lingered , it disappeared the moment he softened . and thomas connelley was suddenly sitting on his front steps next to a girl who loved him for quite some time , letting those walls STAY down and putting his heart on display . i meant what i said last night . about only wanting you . always . there was no fighting the grin that curved at her lips , but there was a halfway attempt to stifle it as she leaned forward and pressed a kiss against his shoulder , lingering there as he spoke . 

JUST YOU . just you . the last time he’d said it remained brushed against her lips , as he’d mumbled it into a kiss the night before . it was exactly what she FELT when she thought about the person she wanted to talk to first thing in the morning , the last person she wanted to see just before saying good night . it was how she felt about whose hand she wanted to hold , whose bed she wanted to curl up in , whose LAUGH she wanted to hear on an endless loop . who she wanted more than anyone . . . it was just tommy . because she’d TRIED , but no one came close . “ just me , huh ? ” mal straightened slightly , lifting her head but never pulling back , never increasing the distance between them . instead , she slowly began to CLOSE it . “ if you don’t mind i think , ” her gaze shifted downwards , then right back up , a fleeting moment , “ i’m gonna have to kiss you again . ” and she did . SOFT and slow , like moving too quickly or too harshly would shatter an illusion , but when she moved , just enough to check , but not far enough that she couldn’t feel him breathing , that his nose didn’t brush against hers , he was still there . still REAL . still having said all the right things . so she kissed him again , just as gently , allowing this one to linger for longer before she pulled back just enough to leave a few inches of space between them . so when she spoke in a whisper , he would have no trouble hearing her . “ if i’m being honest ,  i don’t really know where to go from here , ” the question of what comes next creased the space between her brows in a concentrated furrow , “ because i know you’re . . . working on yourself . the last thing i want to do is push you into something you’re not yet ready for –– . . . ” her gaze flickers between shades of blue , and she can’t help but notice the knot that’s managed to tie itself in her stomach , the faint worry that came along with whatever this was , whatever it COULD BE . but instead of keeping it to herself , she sighed . “ tommy , i need you to know that . . . despite this morning . . . i’m ALL IN . . . if we do this again , you can’t rush into it . you can’t –– shut me out , ” her head shook as features fell into something softer , “ let me be there for you . let me be that person you lean on when shit gets hard –– . . . and YOU’LL be MINE . . . i just –– ” she took a deep breath , trying not to let her EMOTIONS get the best of her . mal was good with numbers , problem solving , and people . . . but when it came to words , it sometimes took her a minute to shake a racing heartbeat or misty eyes in order to form them . “ i haven’t dated anyone since we broke up . . . and it’s not for lack of trying . its for lack of interest . i WANT you . i’ve always only wanted you , so –– . . . ” she couldn’t keep his gaze . instead , her chin tilted downwards , and she set her sights on a silver band , wrapped around his middle finger . a TETHER that tied him to her as long as he wore it , “ i don’t want you to think i’m going anywhere if you don’t feel READY . –– . . . i can wait . i can wait as long as you need . . . because i don’t think my heart could take it , LOSING you a second time . ”

it hadn’t been EXACTLY what he’d imagined waking up to when he’d fallen asleep with mal tucked safely into his chest . he’d imagined something more along the lines of HER being the first thing he saw when he’d stirred , a quiet mumbled morning before pressing a tender kiss , or two , sleepily against her skin . but instead what he got was FAR from anything close to that . an empty cold side of his bed , a slow growing worry & a quickly scrawled had to run. talk soon xx  found on a NOTE as he’d rolled to check his phone just in case . he VAGUELY remembered stirring earlier from soft lips brushing against his cheek but apart from that — NOTHING . so much for always saying goodbye . but with a sister waiting an hour or so trains ride away , he could hardly pause for a moment to dive too much into what it all MEANT . there’d be plenty of time to stew over the worry bubbling in the pit of his stomach later so he TRIED his best to keep his mind off of her & away from the doubting thoughts that whispered in the back of his mind . though he should have known the moment he stepped foot in front of his sister there’d be NO hiding . she was just as skilled as reading him as malia was & before he knew it everything was spilling from his lips . about what had started everything off , how he’d told mal EVERYTHING & , without going into too much detail , just what had happened between them that led to her leaving him in the morning with nothing but a FOUR letter note with two kisses . & maybe most importantly the creepy doubt that clouded the HOPE that had been blooming in his chest last night . what if she REGRETTED it all ? what if she’d woken up in the morning clear-headed & decided that last night had been TOO MUCH — that he was TOO MUCH ? what if she in fact didn’t LOVE him like he’d thought she still did ? & even with amelia’s pointed out facts & reassurance that it was his BRAIN making all of this up — that he was thinking TOO MUCH about it all — that made sense , he COULDN’T shake it . especially when he’d parted ways with amelia & he was left on his OWN . something that was never good when he fixated on something . he’d let himself fall because he thought she was there to STAY but now ? now there was more confusion than EVER . the amount of times he’d checked his phone of the course of the day , an action that had caused a string of cursed warnings from amelia , but as he stepped off the train & started the walk back to flat 14 — his eyes fixated on the screen of his phone as he switched between multiple social medias searching for SOMETHING & the messaging app that held no NEW texts from mal .

his thumb had just once more clicked mal’s name to bring up her texts when his name SHOUTED broke him from his fixation , especially when her voice was UNMISTAKABLE . eyes snapped up instantly , brows raising as her pace quickened to a JOG & he’d just slipped his phone into the pocket of his jacket as her hands came up against his chest to halt herself before the collusion he’d been waiting for came . if he wasn’ confused before , he certainly was NOW . it looked as if she was just about ready to EXPLODE & it sounded as if she’d had one too many coffees . he could hardly make sense of the rambling , EXCITED , jumble of words that rushed from her lips . but if there was ONE thing that he caught it was that she was coming to find him to TALK . something that could be either good or bad but from the way she couldn’t WAIT to get to him — that HAD to be a good sign & it was enough to push the worry aside & focus on the excited on her features — something that pulled the corners of his lips into an amused smile . he’d hardly even gotten a moment to utter a single word before she was pushing an envelope into his hand the wrong way up . a single eyebrow cocked in question , “ what is this ? ” but it was a useless question really & without waiting for an answer he turned it over in hand . eyes lingering on her for a moment before diverting downwards . being from england he couldn’t say that he was all the FAMILIAR with the majority of the universities — or colleges — but it didn’t take him being from the use to know where THIS particular letter had come from & between the letter & mal’s current state , it didn’t take a genius to read between the lines without even opening it . the smile faded slowly from his lips as he glanced up at her , eyes wide with shock , “ you did — this is — no — ” but chopped words halted instantly as fingers made quick work of pulling the letter from its envelope . his own heart hammered in his loudly in his chest as he unfolded it because even if it wasn’t anything to do with him , he knew getting into HARVARD was mal’s dream . he knew how much this MEANT to her . he may not have had any doubts that she’d get in , but his opinion had always been BIASED when it came to her . but as his eye meticulously trailed over printed word , he KNEW it . there was no way they couldn’t have NOT accepted her . slowly , his gaze lifted upwards to her awaiting just about ready to split apart at the seams with restless excitement . but it wasn’t long before his lips grew into an INSTANT smile & he closed the space between them in one sweeping motion . arms wrapped SECURELY around her waist as he lifted her effortlessly from the path , scooping her into an all consuming hug as he let out an excited cry , “ you fucking did it ! you got fucking IN ! i told you . i fucking TOLD you you’d get in ! ” & without much thought there was a number of kisses PLANTED against her cheek as he spun them in a small circle — half trying to catch balance lost by the EXCITEMENT & half from the excitement itself making it impossible to stand in one spot . “ FUCK — i’m so happy for you . you DESERVE it .”  

heels to toes and back , she COULDN’T stay still , not when the letter he was holding was the yes she’d been working towards for years . “ yes , ” she nodded , allowing the word to linger in excited laughter as he read over the letter . she hadn’t even told her FAMILY yet –– hadn’t even thought about it –– because despite their months of being apart , there was a time before when he’d been there for all of it . the late nights studying , the jitters over exams , the CONSTANT stress over testing and application deadlines ; there were still comic strips hidden in the pages of her test prep books , reminding her to take a break , to breathe . maybe she’d wanted to show him it wasn’t all for NOTHING . . . or maybe she just wanted him to be proud of her . it could’ve been both , and it couldn’t been neither because ultimately , she’d always wanted to share her happiest moments with the people she LOVED . . . the person she loved . and she’d made the right move , given the look on his face as he finished reading the letter . “ so –– . . . ” the end of the word is cut short by a surprised yelp as he grabs her by the waist and her feet leave the ground , as though she were LIGHT as a feather . naturally , her arms wrapped around his neck , holding onto his just as tight , the EXCITEMENT in his voice eliciting the purest kind of laughter . he had told her , time after time after time , that she was capable of such a thing –– something that seemed outlandish in her own mind . tommy had always believed in her almost to a fault , wholeheartedly feeling that she was MEANT for bigger and better things ; so much so that even their breakup , in his mind , was for her benefit . but mal couldn’t imagine having a moment like this without him . she couldn’t imagine running to anyone else , wanting anyone else to be there with her . in fact , as he leaned in to leave quick kisses against her flushed cheek , she was SURE that she wanted him around for more moments like this . . . as many as she was allowed . “ you did tell me , didn’t you ? ” her brow furrowed as her cheeks began to ache from SMILING , “ over and over and over again . . . ” it trailed off as her fingertips came to rest against his jaw , the pad of her thumb lightly tracing the bottom curve of his smile . “ unreal , ” she exhaled , shaking her head in disbelief as she leaned forward , forehead resting against his . because the past 24 hours had been a bit UNBELIEVABLE . . . between him , them , and now this . maybe it was a long time coming . . . maybe it was luck , but she wasn’t thinking to hard about it as the tip of her nose GENTLY bumped against his . 

she could’ve leaned in . she could’ve kissed him again and again , smiling into each one , but despite all the EXCITEMENT , despite the luck , there was the faintest bit of uncertainty hanging above them . she’d LEFT him without a goodbye , without much of an explanation . . . the last thing he probably needed after everything . there had been a worry , throughout the day , that would slip into the back of her mind during small moments of IN BETWEEN . . . worry that leaving him could’ve messed things up . so when her feet touched the pavement , she carefully tucked the envelope into her jacket pocket and slipped one hand into his . “ you’re . . . the first person i’ve told , ” she said , taking a few paces towards his front steps , “ the first person i WANTED to tell . i mean , i could’ve called dad or . . . anyone , really , as soon as i opened the letter but . . . i wanted to tell you . ” mal took a steadying breath , allowing herself to slow down and focus on HIM , causing her entire demeanor to calm as she softened . a few steps up , she let go of his hand in order to sit down , leaning forward so her elbows rested on her knees . “ it’s been like that since we became FRIENDS though . when we were just friends , when we were together , and . . . honestly , even when we weren’t , when good things happened , my first instinct was i want to tell tommy , ” she smiled to herself , looking down at her hands as her palms glided over one another , “ good things , bad things , weird things . when i did something stupid or clumsy or impressive i just –– always wanted to tell YOU . so this time i did . . . and it’s just –– . . . ” she rolled her eyes and let out an airy laugh , “ dad will worry about tuition . wells will worry that i’m NEVER coming home again . connor will call me a nerd . ezra will immediately start mapping out which routes from boston to him in new york are fastest and you –– . . . you just let me be HAPPY . in fact , you really make me happier . ” if the night before hadn’t happened , if she’d gotten that letter without knowing that it was okay to RUN to him , if he hadn’t been just as excited with his arms around her waist and kisses left on her cheek . . . the moment would’ve been lost , and she’d have spent the next hour on the phone with her father who would be UNDOUBTEDLY proud , but worried all the same . mal glanced over at him , teeth digging into her bottom lip for a moment as she considered her words . “ i’m sorry i LEFT you this morning , ” her voice was softer now , “ and i could give you ten different reasons as to why i didn’t wake you up , didn’t say goodbye , forgot to text . . . but i can chalk it all up to being a bit too distracted last night to remember i had an early morning meeting today . not that being late justifies not saying GOODBYE . ” elbow propped on her knees, she ran a hand through her hair then rested her head in her palm , gazing over at him with green eyes lit by sincerity . “ i don’t want you to think i REGRET anything said or done last night . because i don’t , ” she paused , shifting where she sat so she was facing him entirely , “ tommy , i haven’t changed my mind about you . not since last night . . . and not since a year ago either . i NEVER really changed my mind about you . and i know with our history and our friends and me graduating and . . . all of that . . . i know things could get messy or complicated or hard , but i don’t want messy or complicated or hard with ANYONE else . i don’t want anything with anyone else . ” her shoulders lifted in a half-hearted shrug , and she could feel her heart again , pounding in her chest as she simply added , “ JUST YOU . ”

@MALSCHAFER on INSTAGRAM .

eight o’clock on a friday morning , nearly on the dot . that’s PRECISELY when mal had stirred awake , still tucked under the arm of a boy who was sleeping soundly . she smiled to herself , letting a few dreamy moments pass by before coherency set off three different ALARMS in her head , and she rolled over and checked the time on her phone screen . she was BEYOND late , and thus a morning spent in a full on tizzy began . she only paused to leave a note , simple and quick , and to quietly press a kiss to tommy’s cheek . . . the way he stirred with a nearly missable smile reassuring her that WAKING him was not an option . any conversation about what happened the night before would have to wait –– . . . and wait and wait . . . until HOURS later , in the early evening . when everything had finally begun to wind down , the worry of what could’ve been ASSUMED by her disappearing so early in the morning started to settle in . after everything she’d said , to wake up to an empty bed with only a note . . . her feet moved before she could , down the stairs of flat 12 and nearly to the door before someone called out to her . mal –– and she turned to find one of her flatmates handing her an envelope –– thought this might be a bit important . tentatively , she took the envelope and TREMBLED at the sight of a crimson shield in the top corner . it was like her body was on auto - pilot as she walked towards the foyer , gently tearing it open and pulling out a single piece of paper . not good . she’d heard back from other programs , she had OPTIONS , but if this was one of them , if boston was one of them . . . it’d be a dream . she closed her eyes as she unfolded the paper , and counted to three , working hard to keep her breathing STEADY . 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . dear miss schafer . . . congratulations ! mal swore under her breath , feeling vaguely light headed as she read the word over and over again before reading the rest . your official letter of acceptance has been mailed to you , along with more information in regards to your admittance to harvard medical school . . . the SCREAM that escaped her echoed in the hall as she shoved the door open . tommy , she thought , who knew he BETTER than anyone else , knew her dreams inside and out , i have to tell tommy . she STARED at the letter in her hands as she hurried down her front steps , turning towards his place only to see that she was on some sort of LUCKY streak over the past 24 hours . because there he was , looking down at his phone as he walked down the sidewalk towards home . “ TOMMY , ” she shouted his name , beaming as she began to walk towards him with an excited bounce in each step that eventually turned into a skip before ultimately becoming a jog as she said his name again TWICE more . wrapped up in her own excitement , she nearly barreled into him , hands resting on his chest as she caught his eye , still gripping the letter , still practically vibrating with the feeling . “ hey , hi , so –– . . . i was coming to find you to talk about last night –– well , and this morning –– because OBVIOUSLY we have to talk about last night and this morning  and how i so did not mean to leave you hanging , but i completely forgot about this meeting and then it got crazy ALL day so i couldn’t call so i figured i’d just see if you were home yet , but as i was leaving , emma stopped me to give me the mail which would USUALLY be kind of weird to stop for , but –– . . . mal , breathe , ” she inhaled , words that had been moving nearly too fast to keep up . another inhale , and she STEADIED , but her heart was still racing and she couldn’t stop smiling . “ just –– . . . here . read this . before i hyperventilate , ” she handed him the envelop , face down , and took a step back , rocking back and forth on her heels .

there was a playful roll of his eyes as prodding words filtered from the other side of the barrier , & no lack of a smile as a snorted response , filled with false irritation , was muttered just loud enough for it to break through the quiet of the room , “ oh , shut up . ” because , really , he had only set himself up for failure asking a question that could of nudged them — him — back towards territory he was trying to pull himself OUT of . but , with every passing moment that filtered between them in the form of moments of comfortable SILENCES & innocent , playful teasing dotted throughout it was easy to focus on how SIMPLE this all was . falling back into old habits , just BEING in the same room as her . there was no need to keep a VEIL up , he could be OPEN , at EASE . malia had always been one of the few people he could be HIMSELF around & losing that when he’d pushed her AWAY had been one of the HARDEST things . everything was easier with malia schafer in his life & even if it had taken him losing her to recognise it FULLY , all that mattered was that they were finally finding their way back to each other . a quiet , hummed chuckle rolled from his chest , “ don’t make me repeat your words back to you about causing problems . ” but there was a shift in where he lay as an arm came to rest behind his head , fingers rubbing against his scalp , as the other settled upon his chest . he may have meant thinking of her in far from INNOCENT situations but at the end of the day , he wasn’t sure if there had been a day where mal hadn’t slipped at least once a day into his thoughts . even when they’d be APART , even some of the smallest , most insignificant things had reminded him of her . a quiet breath left his lips , as murmured words — not meant to be heard — passed his lips , “ there’s no risk in that happening . ” the room dipped into silence after that , allowing his mind to wander towards the creeping heaviness of sleep that was slowly but surely overtaking . he’d be WORRIED that it would never come after the events of tonight — but with mal there , next to him , he could let himself FALL . eyelids had slowly begun to slip , but the slight movement of the mattress underneath him had them flickering open once more , turning to catch mal’s movements as she pulled apart the barrier between them . the corners of his lips pulled into a sleepy grin of his own as he watched one pull across mal’s lips as his head fell to the side to FINALLY bring eyes to focus upon her once more — much better than a blank white pillow , “ hey . ” his voice was heavy , the curve of his lips the only thing brightening his words as he spoke , “ i trust you — we’re okay . ” & even though they were directed at her show of surrender , as his eyes flickered between flecked green that seemed to open up from within , there was no denying that there was more MEANING being them . they were okay — they were going to be OKAY . darkened blue softened under her gaze as she spoke , & it wasn’t long before he was rolling over onto his side to mirror her position — the only difference was he allowed his hand to lift towards her , fingertips grazing against her skin as he tucked a strand of hair that had fallen from her braid behind her ear before they lingered upon her cheek . “ i know what you mean — it’s why i came to find you , but —- ” he grew quiet for a moment , fingertips slipping from her cheek to find their way to catch at her arm — gently tugging it to give him room to slip his palm against hers , fingers lacing through her own , as he brought the back of her hand up to his lips , “ i’ve only ever wanted you to be safe & HAPPY & knowing i’m a safe space for you — ” there was a gentle shake of his head as their hands came to rest in the space between them , “ you’re something special malia schafer . ”

there’s a clear sign of SLEEPINESS in the way his voice drops , and it takes her back for a moment . the drastic change in timezone had always been difficult ; coronado to larnswick had never been an easy jump , and for the first week or so on campus , mal found her insomnia to be even WORSE than normal . in the beginning , it was probably the anxiety of it all . new country , new school , new life , new everything . . . and nights were often spent outside of her dorm , doing laundry or in the lounge with her laptop as the clock neared 3 A.M. . tommy had reasons of his own –– reasons that she learned , eventually , involved NIGHTMARES –– but he was often there , just as awake as she was . with every night she was with him , she fell a little more in like . until eventually , her nights were spent WRAPPED UP in him , and with every night they found themselves sleeping soundly , finally , together , she fell a little more in love . the old cliche had taken on a brand new meaning , and malia had slowly , but surely , fallen in love with a boy under the spotlight of a silvery moon . she was STILL in love with him , and though she wouldn’t say as much . . . it was always there , clear in the way she looked at him . things shifted as his words took a more serious air to them , not quite in his tone , but rather in the way he so carefully held her gaze . we’re okay . a slow exhale caused her chest to fall , and her mind settled further into relief . not necessarily because they were okay , but because HE was . at the beginning of the night , it seemed he was quite the opposite of just that , but she’d been able to HELP him . he’d allowed her to help him , this time , tearing down walls that she’d spent a year climbing . we’re okay , she thought , closing her eyes and nodding . “ i know , ” it’s softer than a whisper as she opens her eyes to look at him once more , “ we’re okay . ” a sleepy grin persisted as he rolled to mirror her , instinctively LEANING IN to his touch . again , her mind wandered back to earlier in the night as his fingers gripped her thighs . . . and before that , when his hands pressed so STRONGLY together , they’d begun to shake . . . and before that even , when she was sure they’d been itching for a fight , but instead they brushed the inside of her wrist . it was miraculous , really , that someone who’d grown up flinching from a raised hand , had become so impossibly GENTLE . there was strength behind that , and she loved him for it . she turned he face slightly , as his fingertips lingered on her cheek , pressing a feathery kiss to the inside of his wrist before nuzzling back into the pillow . he pauses , for a moment , and her fingers intertwine with his once again . it was so EASY , being like this with tommy . . . easier than missing him , easier than being his friend . as he raised her hand to his lips , her cheeks felt flush , and drowsiness only slowed the smile on her lips from forming . “ i know , ” she says again , because even if he’d gone about it the wrong way , even if they’d made their mistakes . . . it was CLEAR that was what he’d always wanted , “ takes a little more than safe to make me happy , you know . you just have a history of making me feel both . ” her gaze follows their interlocked hands as they drop onto the mattress . you’re something special , malia schafer . she shook her head , hand lightly squeezing his . “ you know , ” she shifted , moving under the covers , closer to him , “ no one really calls me that . malia , i mean . not even my family . i guess i never really liked the sound of it until–– . . . ” her words trail off , but their direction is obvious in the way the tip of her nose brushes gently against his . until you . “ so , i’d say –– . . . ” and her words had long since begun to quiet , slowed again by oncoming sleep . still , she craned her neck just slightly , pressing a gently kiss to the tip of his nose , “ you’re pretty special yourself , thomas connelley . and i TOLD you i’d make you a list of the reasons why . ” her eyes fluttered shut as she shifted in her spot once more , lowering herself in order to curl into him , adding an exhausted , “ someday . ” 

there’s a quiet exhaled breath as she pointed out that he was in fact the one — not that he could FORGET — that had brought about the caused the rolled on effect from what was meant to be ONE tender kiss . but a click of his tongue quickly followed as there was an attempt to minimise the role he’d played , “ that’s all just semantics . it doesn’t matter . ” but it did in fact MATTER . him being the one to kiss HER , even if she’d made it clear that it was something she’d wanted , held FAR more meaning than either of them where ready to tackle just now . because even if the mood within his room had lifted from the heaviness that had surrounded them when his mind had been clouded with thoughts far different than the ones that still whispered at the back of his mind , it wasn’t long before the exhaustion slowly started to creep in once more . but the HEAVINESS of it was dulled by the lightness of blooming HAPPINESS within him . it really did seem having someone there , even if it was just knowing they where there , did help EASE the not so nice parts of the healing process . MANHANDLING . that alone was enough to elicit a louder laugh , “ okay — you’re right . you have a point , that’s fair . ” but as she continued after a quiet break , the laughter in his voice & displayed upon his features slowly faded to turn them into something that still lingered from before . “ there’s no like about it , there IS nobody else . & what can i say — seeing you breathless without even really TOUCHING you —- ” there was a pause as he swallowed , a silent thank to the pillow wall between them running through his mind as he took a quick glance towards it before eyes diverted , “ well , we’ll leave it at just that because this is really not HELPING anything at all . ” another moment of quiet filled the space after her question . top teeth toying at his bottom lip as eyes focused INTENTLY at the stark white ceiling above as his mind ticked over the possibilities of just what he was thinking . “ well — ” but before he’d even begun his words were fading off as he shifted , head angling to come face to face with the PILLOW that lay between them , “ i can tell you looking at a fucking pillow sure wasn’t what i had in mind . ” his words gave way to a curve of his lips before a hand lifted to settle upon the obstruction , causing it to sink under the weight of his hand , in hopes he might just be able to catch a glimpse of her on the other wise . but it only sunk down enough for him to catch a small glimpse of the curve of her jaw & it wasn’t long before his hand found its way back once more to his stomach . though his eyes still focused on the pillow , his imagination the only thing he had to rely on when it came to the expression on her features . but from her previous pause & admission it wasn’t hard to imagine a light blush tainting the colour of her cheeks . “ i was thinking more along the lines of keeping a distance until i STOPPED thinking about you before SLOWLY finding our way back , but — ” there was a pause as shoulders gave a soundless shrug , “ if you’d rather the wall stayed put — it can stay put . ” not that he wanted it to stay , he’d much rather be able to see her , but if it was what she wanted then simply KNOWING she was on the other side would have to be enough . he’d certainly gone without less than that recently .

the sound of his laughter seems to make everything WORTH it , and she’d long since realized that she’d do just about anything to hear it . there was an aching in her cheeks , dull and bearable , but not enough to go unnoticed as it was something she hadn’t experienced in a while . they hurt from smiling too much  too wide , in a short period of time . even when her cheeks BURNED in a blush , even as she halfway buried her face into the pillow . . . that smile was still there at varying degrees . even as she rolled her eyes , stirring once more as his voice trailed off . it wasn’t fair , the way her heartbeat began to run away from her again at the mere mention that there was NOBODY else . it wasn’t fair that her fingers tapped at her sides as she became restless at the mention of him touching –– or not touching –– her . but luckily , the thought didn’t linger for too long , as he steered himself AWAY from going any further , easily pulling a soft laugh from her stomach . “ see , ” her eyebrows raised as she looked up at the ceiling , slowly shaking her head , “ NOW who’s causing problems ? ” quiet filled the room for a few moments ,comfortable in its nature , and mal shifted once more , rolling back onto her side and coming face to face with a BLANK pillowcase . she wished she could’ve seen the expression on tommy’s face as his words lilted with a tease . . . neither of them were planning on staring at a pillow all night . even as mal had set it up , she FULLY intended to tear it back down . . . eventually . “ i just figured –– ” words came out in a low tone , sleepy underneath but SMILED to the point of being able to hear the curve of her lips , “ that cooling down might be easier like this . . . ” lashes flutter as she glances up , watching with a knowing smile as he presses against a pillow that wouldn’t quite move far enough down . a light hum passed her lips as she took a lighthearted tone . “ hmm –– see , at the risk of sounding VAIN , maybe i don’t want you to stop thinking about me , ” she sighs , allowing her fingers to fidget with the corner of the pillowcase under her head as he gives her a CHOICE . if you’d rather . . . he’d said , as though it was even an option at all . still , she remained quiet as though she were ACTUALLY mulling it over , as though maybe she’d fallen asleep . . . which wasn’t too far off with the way her breathing steadied and her eyelids grew heavier . after a minute , she reached up and pulled the pillows down , tucking one under her head and casting the other aside , purposefully avoiding his eyes . it wasn’t until she settled back onto her side , directly facing him , that she met that gaze of stormy blue . “ hi , ” she whispered , breaking into a soft , sleepy grin as she raised her hands of in SURRENDER , “ swear i’m on my best behavior . hands to myself , see –– . . . ” and she tucked them diligently under her pillow . eyes flitted over his features , a kaleidoscope of colors that softened , as though to say i missed you , over and over again . because she did . “ you know , ” she swallowed , now whispering after another minute of comfortable quiet , as EXHAUSTION began to creep in , “ i think this is what i miss the most . the other stuff is . . . great . . . don’t get me wrong , but you have a knack for making everything QUIET . . . and quiet makes me CALM . ” her eyes flickered between his as she moved her shoulders in a lazy shrug , “ makes me feel lighter . ” 

STUBBORNNESS ran rampant within mal at the best of times so it was no surprise that challenging words spilled from her lips at his attempt to reel things back in & give them both a second to allow the LOGICAL side of their brain to overcome the heightened emotions that coursed through them both & urged them to make up for the time they’d lost over the course of MONTHS spent apart . & he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t incited to see just what she’d had in mind about testing his ability — or really his inability — to say NO to her . because saying no to MALIA SCHAFER had always been a problem . even with the most chaste kiss or simply by the way her eyes widened as she starred up at him with a small pout prominent upon her lips , he crumbled . giving in even when his words said otherwise . but he COULDN’T , not tonight . not when things were still unspoken . not when CONFUSION about where they both officially still lingered — even if it didn’t feel confusing right in this moment . it felt clearer than anything had felt in a while . but until they’d TALKED , he couldn’t let himself give in . it was better for BOTH of them — something he did have a hard time convincing himself of completely as he watched the grin upon mal’s lips fade as her lips parted with a shaky exhale . because knowing even the vague admission of what he WANTED to do was simply enough to cause a change in breath had his lips ALREADY breaking into a self-satisfied smirk . but with a space that felt VASTLY expansive from the close proximity they’d been in before lying between them , the thoughts of mal with lips parted slowly faded as the quickened pace of his heart began to slow , allowing his mind to CLEAR & know for certain the struggle of shifting her once more safety back to her side of the bed was worth it . “ live isn’t FAIR , malia , which is exactly why i’m over here & you’re over there . ” there was a lit of amusement playing throughout his words as a subtle smile pulled at the corners of his lips as he dared a glance sidewards at the flushed , laughing girl on the other side of the bed — it was a sight that only made the smile grow . but it was long before his features turned , hands pressing against the mattress as he readjusted where he sat a little , brows furrowing in small confusion as mal sat up & began grabbing pillows . though they changed once more , breaking apart in AMUSEMENT , as he realised just what she was doing as she used said pillows to create something that resembles a wall down the middle of the bed , cutting off any way in which one may reach out to the other . eyes flickered between the white plush wall & the triumphant little smile playing at her lips , “ proud of yourself i see — can’t say i’ve seen a pillow wall be bought into play for a while . ” his head shook , a gentle rumble of laughter filling the air , as she dipped behind it . more or less vanishing from his view to the point he had to crane his neck & peek over to catch sight of her features , “ not ENTIRELY what i had in mind but you know what — better safe then sorry since you can’t seem to be able keep your hands to yourself . ” there was a gentle tutting noise as he slipped down below the level of the pillow wall but he grew silent for a moment before a loud exhaled breath broke it , hands coming to rest over his stomach as his eyes slipped closed . though sleep was about the last thing on his mind when mal lay on the other side just within reach , once more OFF LIMITS , thanks to her damned pillow wall . “ one thing , remind me why i KNOW exactly why what i did wasn’t fair ? ”    

“ well , ” mal nodded , “ desperate times call for DESPERATE measures . ” she looked over at him , this boy she’d tried so hard not to continue loving , and felt a swelling in her chest as his features gave way to LAUGHTER . earlier that night , he was tense with anger and lost in his own sadness , but now he was smiling , dimples curved into his cheeks . & that gentle sound of laughter , that sweet smile that she’d missed –– it was another moment , fleeting but still THERE , that reminded her that trying not to love thomas connelley was useless when all it took was a look of HAPPINESS against freckled cheeks to make it happen all over again . she cleared her throat , looking down at her pillow barrier . “ & you seemed pretty desperate to get me over here before you couldn’t say no to me , so . . . ” she gestured to the line between them , teasing tone on the tip of her tongue , “ DESPERATE measures . ” as she settled back into her spot , her fingertips brushed against the sheets beneath her , and the the grounding feeling of it all –– the sound of his voice , the slowing of her heartbeat , the warmth of his bed , his room , his presence –– it was enough to allow the events of the night to catch up with her as her laughter settled . there was a COMFORTABLE kind of sleepiness creeping into her conscious , and where her thoughts generally began to anxiously wander this time of night , they were now just focused on how good it felt to know that there was POSSIBILITY on the horizon , waiting for the sunrise in order to be explored . the possibility . . . of her and tommy finding their way back to each other , completely , doing it right this time . her eyes rested shut , and a smile seemed to be ever present on her lips , only giving way for lighthearted laughter . “ CAREFUL there , thomas . i live just next door , and slander like that could leave you with a pillow wall separating you from empty space , ” but even she couldn’t take it too seriously , knowing good and well that there wasn’t anywhere else she’d rather be in that moment . . . other than possibly his side of the divide . still , her voice took on a matter - of - fact playfulness as she added , “ my head could still be a little cloudy , but i seem to recall YOU kissing me first . ” the bed shifted , and when she peeked her eyes open , she could tell he’d laid down next to her on the other side , where she could no longer see him . a content sigh passed her lips as she reached for the covers , pulling them up over her shoulders as best as she could as she rolled onto her side . facing a vertical pillow instead of him , and her nose wrinkled at the sight . . . she’d had better ideas . though maybe this wasn’t the WORST one as he exhaled and asked a question that elicited airy laughter . “ because you know that manhandling works in regards to smaller , distracted people . i mean , really , there was no way i was getting out of you placing me over here , ” she swallowed , feeling her cheeks warm at the thought of her next words , “ & there’s this look you got right before . . . and it’s not the first time you’ve looked at me like that , but –– . . . i sort of forgot how it felt . it’s like you’ve never WANTED anything more than me in that exact moment . like there’s nobody else . & maybe that’s not intentional but the little smirk you get because you know what it does to me –– . . . THAT’S not fair . ” her cheek nuzzled slightly into the pillow as her gaze searched for something that wasn’t there . a moment of quiet lingered before she spoke in a hushed tone , “ alright . so if the architectural MARVEL that is my pillow wall wasn’t what you had in mind , what were you thinking ? ”

there was a protest already on the tip of his tongue , ready to DEFEND himself against the suggestion of jealously . because even if there was a sense of TRUTH to it , something both of them knew , he couldn’t let it go undisputed . but before he could even get a chance , all thoughts of rebuttal vanished from mind as mal’s lips captured his in a frenetic , fleeting kiss that had him searching for MORE as she shifted her attention to the corner of his mouth — then his cheek — then the angle of his jaw — turning his grip upon her thighs HEAVIER as fingers tips pressed into her skin as they inched further up , grazing dangerously close to the hem of the hoodie . breath already hitched within his chest , but the rake of hands against his chest — turning muscles beneath her touch TENSE — only made matters WORSE . & a low , husky warning in the form of her name managed to find its way out in a heavy breath , “ malia . ” but no matter the warning , a shiver still prickled at the back of his neck as she whispered words of reassurance that even if there had been OTHERS — none of them mattered . none of them had measured up . & even as he was finally given a MOMENT of reprieve as she pulled back — a soft smile pulling at her lips that seemed FAR too innocent — there was no denying the effects wandering hands & lips had , had upon him as blue eyes turned dark with desire flittered across green . there’s no one else — just you — JUST YOU . his words sounded so much better coming from her . & though any mention of peeking into territory of talking about it — them — had be rightfully SHUT DOWN previously , with a quiet but definite hum , knowing he was the ONLY one — that she was still HIS just as much as he was HERS — was enough . “ just you . ” the repeated affirmation came uttered under breath as his chin lifted , causing lips to graze against hers in a whispered kiss . she was INTOXICATING , capable of extinguishing every inch of UNWAVERING self-control . one taste of her & he came apart at the seams . but no matter HOW much he wanted to see how far he could take this , see just how CLOSE his hands could get to slipping under grey fabric , there was JUST enough sense still flitting around clouded & drunken thoughts for him to know TONIGHT wasn’t the night . because if tonight was ANYTHING to go by — there’d be plenty of time to find their way back here . with a hot , heavy breath exhaled against her lips , a quiet groan filled the minute space between them , “ you’re killing me — ” he caught her in another kiss , this time far more tender as he savoured EVERY moment before hummed words sounded against her lips , “ mmm — OKAY . ” his hands were the first thing to retreat , sliding down the length of her thighs before they lifted to encircle around each of her wrists , “ okay — i think — i think we need to cool it . before i can’t say NO to you . before i do the things i WANT to do . ” his top teeth dragged against his bottom lip as his eyes flittered over her features , “ & i want to do them . ” but instead of leaning forward like he wanted to , his hands tugged gently at her wrists to move her hands to a safer distance before they grasped at her hips to help him roll her off of him . & even though he lingered , hovering a few inches above her he moved before there was a chance for her to reach up for him that would most certainly put a halt to his attempts to stop himself before he crossed a line . settling back against the wall with a heavy breath a hand came up to run over his features before it vaguely gestured in her direction , “ you STAY there for a minute . ”

m a l i a , carried in a breath of warning , it settles a feeling of warmth in the pit of her stomach and brings a SATISFIED grin to her lips as they brush against his ear in a whisper . it was meant , no doubt , as a word of caution –– with the complete opposite effect as he mumbled into another kiss , and his fingers pressed into bare skin . UNRAVELING , she was completely unraveling under his wandering touch , as though months of lost time could be made up in the span of a night . somewhere , deep within the more logical side of her brain , there was a warning to SLOW down , but all night she’d been leading with her heart . . . with her EMOTIONS in a way that she hadn’t allowed herself for some time . & longing was taking over ; compared to this moment –– with his hands nearly dipping under the hem of her sweatshirt and her teeth dragged lightly along his bottom lip –– everything else felt 10 feet apart . this kind of closeness , this kind of INTIMACY was something they’d lost , and something she hadn’t realized she’d craved to this capacity . everything else seemed to fall away , leaving only the two of them behind along with small bouts of LAUGHTER in between clumsy kisses and eager sighs against his mouth as she leaned forward . closer & closer , but never close enough . . . until he’s mumbling again , slowing his movements with one last lingering kiss that FADES into a low hum against her mouth . “ what  –– ” there’s a grin toying with the corners of her lips , eyes flickering between his , darkened blue and sparked with something burning . she swayed forward , nose brushing against his despite the gentle grip he had around her wrists , despite the warning , “so you CAN say no to me now ? because we could put that to the test –– ” but her grin faded just as quickly as it appeared , and she pulled away as his expression shifted , gaze LOCKED on his . she’d always loved the way tommy looked at her , softening with a crooked smile or attentive with a slight furrow in his brow . . . this , though , this was something DIFFERENT , something that created a violent fluttering in her chest and caused her jaw to slacken , lips parted with a shaky inhale . & before she snapped out of it , before she could lean in , before she could do ANYTHING to react . . . his hand grasped her hips and gently rolled her back onto her side of the bed . he hovered for just a moment , long enough for her to get her bearings and catch his eye , breathless expression melting into a GENTLE smile as she shook her head . “ oh , that is so not fair , ” but it’s teeming with laughter as she sinks into the mattress , FINALLY able to catch her breath , “ and you know exactly why it’s not fair . . . ” she rested her hands on her cheeks , flush and warm to the touch , as she glanced up and over at him . the way he gestured towards her , INSISTING that she stay put with empty mattress leaving plenty of space between them , and it only made her laugh harder . “ absolutely , ” she blinked up at him , eyes wide and hands lifted in defense , the PICTURE of innocence , “ i’ll stay over here . in fact –– ” sitting up , mal did her best to keep her distance from him , twisting to pull one pillow from her side , one pillow from his . “ i can make all of this EASIER for you , ” she patted the pillows , setting them up as a little barrier between the two of them . a triumphant little smile settling on her lips as she settled back onto the mattress , seemingly hiding behind a wall of down feathers , “ there you go . YOU stay on your side ; i’ll stay on mine . ”  there was a light tease to her words as she closed her eyes , still grinning , “ that why you can sleep without me causing you anymore GRIEF . ”