I wouldn’t say I took Marquise back, but I did let him back into my life. The girl I thought he was fucking around with, was in there with his roommate. The girl Marquise was in there with was another girl. A girl he used to talk to. But he claims to this very day nothing happened. That he wasn’t even in bed with her, and never fucked her. Am I stupid? Yes, you keep hurting me. But I keep letting you back into my life to hurt me. So it’s like I keep hurting myself. But that night. That night made me look at you so different. It made me question everything. Was everything you told me a lie? You followed me back to my dorm from the dining hall because you weren’t giving up on me. So I told you to make yourself useful and carry my cold drink in the cold. Because I was done with you, there was no use for you. You couldn’t provide me with the love I deserved. All you brought was hurt and questioning my self worth. Standing outside my dorm building when you asked if I was done, I hesitated. Because I felt so done. So beyond done. But there was something I couldn’t let go. It was hard because I love you. You know everything about me, every deepest darkest secret, every corner of my soul. You knew the constellation in my head, my body like a map, you knew every inch of my broken heart. You were home, and without you I wouldn’t know where home was. You turned my whole world upside down. And I’m still trying to figure out if it was for better or worse, but it seems to me that only time will tell. When the cop who works the night shift pulled up I felt pressured in that moment. Because I wouldn’t sign you in with the cop which means you would go that night and if you had left, that’s where things would have ended. So I told you you have ten minutes of my time for me to hear you out since you kept begging for me to hear out your apology and told you you better hurry up and come before the cop comes in or leave. So you followed me in and snuck in before the cop came so I didn’t have to sign you in. Because you weren't worth the effort of signing in. You weren’t worth that effort of letting you back into my life. You told my friend in my presence that you wanted a relationship with me and wanted me to be your girlfriend. But it was only now because you were losing me. Only now because you had taken me for granted and had a taste of my absence. I was hurting but trying so hard not to show it, trying so hard to be strong. Because I knew if I showed you I was weak, you would use it against me. Even unintentionally. The only reason I let you come up to my room was because I feared I was pregnant but even then was debating whether or not I should tell you because I wasn’t sure if there was a child in the picture if I wanted you to be apart of their life. Because I wasn’t sure I wanted you to be apart of mine. And what I experienced as a child, regretting the presence of my father, I couldn’t put a child through. I didn’t want a child growing up seeing daddy doesn't love mommy and hurting me, and hurting the child. Leaving a trace of false promises and a fantasy of love that was questionably a facade. It was only then I saw you for the first time. YOU. I hate how you would keep your walls up to mask yourself. But when I saw you crying, regretting, expressing pain, it was then I knew you weren’t the monster I was questioning you were. That instead you were battling with your own demons, and they had taken over. Something you lost control of. You punched a hole in my roommates wardrobe because you were mad at yourself. Because you didn’t want to lose me. I could tell it was killing you on the inside, the thought of you losing me. I could tell you loved me. I never saw anybody so broken. That’s how I knew it was real. Because nobody can fake broken. You even said yourself your feelings for me were so strong you thought it was love. The first time I’ve ever heard you seriously say that word. You said you weren’t complete without me, that it was like I was your other half. But then I wonder, why was there another girl in the picture? Why did you put her above me? Why did you ignore me and lie to me and let me walk back in the cold at 3am just to “hang out” with another girl in your room? When I asked you what you saw in her, you said she was goofy. And that you liked that, that you could be yourself around her. And it pains me. Because you saw something in her you didn’t see in me. You couldn’t be goofy, or yourself around me. When I tried to be it just wasn’t the right time because the right time was always with her. You risked losing me for another girl you claim meant nothing. So was I worth nothing to you? You said you were just stupid, but it wasn’t even like you were just hooking up with her. You liked her for her personality. You actually liked her. I want you to be happy. I told you I support it. To be with who you want, who makes you happy. To not just keep me around because you feared losing me. You said you didn’t want her, that you want me. Is that true?
I feel like since nothing happened, forgiveness is a possibility. But it’s also hard to believe what you say because of all the lies and broken promises. I can’t even bring myself to look through your phone because of all the times I’ve seen dirt that made my stomach churn. I’ll let you live freely and let your decisions sit on your conscious. Because if what you say is true, if you really want me, if you love me- you will show it. You will live by it instead of chasing hoes that say they love you but don’t. You hear me but you don’t feel me though. (peep the jhene aiko reference)
That night, I let you into my bed. That night, I fell mindlessly back into the same dark hole. That night I denied your advances and your attempts to kiss me, only to finally fall back into the trap. I put my heart over my head and it’s only a matter of time before the trap will snap my head off. The next night I let you have sex with me. I’m mad at myself for giving in so easy. Because I love you, and everything felt so right and so comfortable. But I feel like I’m setting myself up to get hurt all over again, even though you promised me you would never hurt me again. This could either be a continuation or an end to your broken promises. I’ll leave that fate in your hands, and only time will tell. I just texted you so you get the message.
“I'll just tell u over txt instead of having u come over- I realized I'm getting too ahead of myself. Letting you back in so easy is just going to hurt me and you've already done so much damage. When the cop pulled up I felt pressured to either let you in or leave bc I was debating if I should tell you I thought I could be pregnant. If the cop didn't pull up in that moment, I would've let you go and things would've ended there for good. You told gia you wanted a relationship with me and to be your girlfriend but it was only because you were losing me, only now because you had taken me for granted and had a taste of my absence. I told you I'd never leave you or intentionally hurt you and you said you didn't want a relationship bc that's what you feared but you did that to me. You became what you feared. And the old you left me, and I'll forever wish you the best and hope one day you will find yourself and be at peace with who you are. You at least owe that to yourself. But also change for the better because you are better than what you make yourself out to be. I'm not sure I can forgive you, if that's even a possibility it will take time. I was too ahead of myself letting you back into my life, and back into my bed so easy. But I feel like I'm just setting myself up to get hurt again. I need to take things slower at my own pace but I cannot promise anything. I'm scared to put trust back into you again and to just give you my heart since you broke it. If this isn't love I don't know what it is, whatever it is I'm not sure I'm ready bc I'm scared of you hurting me. I opened up to you and gave you my heart and exposed to you my scars and was vulnerable at the weakest point in my life and you hurt me. It hurts that you did that. I don't hate you. I'm not mad, I'm more so hurt. And I'm so broken I'm not sure how much more hurt I can take. Don't ever tell me what you think I want to hear or paint me a fantasy you think will make me happy, keep it real with me at all times, I ask you that. Also I was informed because we only had sex a week ago a pregnancy can't appear that soon so it doesn't matter if I got my period or a negative test because it would take time and I should still test at 3-4 weeks. Don't want to worry you. Think we should be good bc of pill.”
him : “😞 well I’m sorry once again I always fuck things up but I hope one day you can learn to forgive me sorry for always hurting you and never being able to make you happy ...”
me: “You fail to understand that you were the only thing that made me happy, that's what hurt the most.”
