heather w.

“there must be something that you can do!” it was taking everything in heathers soul not to trash mr.hawkers office. progress reports had been handed out only twenty minutes ago and here she was complaining about something as always. it almost seemed as though this was their routine. every semester of every year heather would saunter into his office, waving her progress report or report card around demanding a grade change. 

this semester she had received an eighty-nine in calculus, instead of the ninety-three that she deserved. heather had this habit of calculating all of her grades prior to them being handed out. she would sit for hours multiplying and dividing to come up with what should be her averages - so when something came back amiss... she just knew. “She’s shorting me. i haven’t gotten lower than an ‘a’ in her class this year..” she continued, biting her lip and choking back tears. 

she worked her ass off to make straight a’s. her entire life depended on these grades. this class could very well be the deciding factor in which college offers her a full ride, and she needed that scholarship to get out of devil’s knot. there was no way that she was going to lay down and accept a grade that she didn’t deserve knowing that she worked day and night to ensure that she did well. 

Her favourite thing about their relationship was how much Heather depended on Julie. She knew she had the power to make her feel terribly good, or terribly bad – and while that notion alone was enough to satisfy Julie, it hadn’t come a time yet when she ever wanted to do any harm. Looking at Heather, she wondered if she would ever feel that impulse, the way she felt about most other people: she didn’t know if whatever she felt for Heather was love, and if it was, what kind. Love itself was foreign and impossible to quantify, but it was undeniable how much Heather brought out the good in Julie. She almost felt weak.

With a smile, Julie searched the pile of CDs before she found one by Pulp (really only bought because of Heather), placing it in the CD player and pressing start. The room filled with the unmistakable sound of the music. She threw her hands up in the air and started to dance, a very bad dance that could only be characteristic of teenagers in the time they were alive, and she mouthed the lyrics, fumbling over a few words. “She came from Greece she had a thirst for… She studied sculpture at Saint Martin’s College… That’s Where I!” Julied motioned for Heather to continue, reaching out to her hands and lacing their fingers together, laughing along with the melody.

 a smile settled on heathers lips as she watched julie begin to dance. she looked completely silly, but still perfect as always. her movements prompted heather to reiterate. it felt so god to just let loose, and be free. especially after the week that they had been having. her fingers interlocked around the fingers she knew so well as she began to sing, twisting her hips to the beat - “caught her eye...she told me that her dad was loaded, i said in that case i'll have a rum and coca-cola.she said fine.. and in thirty seconds time she said...” the words rolled off her tongue with ease. this was her favorite song. she would even dare to say the soundtrack to her life. 

she imagined herself on a television screen, walking to school with the song pumping behind her. her hair blowing in the wind as she screamed out the words. “i want to live like common people,” she went on, not realizing that at this moment she was living in the most common way of her lifetime. 

“Yeah, yeah your house sounds like a good idea.” David replied, nodding his head. He felt a bit like he was walking through a haze and maybe, just maybe, leaving the community center would help with that. “Yeah, I drove here. Wanted to walk but mom was really against me going out alone.” He added. Even as he spoke, he wasn’t sure why he added that bit of information. She didn’t need to know that but, for some reason, he felt like she wouldn’t judge him or pity him if he told her. “My car’s just that way…” He added, pointing out to the parking lot.

“at least your mom cares,” heather responded with a shrug, turning towards the parking lot and beginning to walk. the wind sent a slight breeze their way; which prompted her to cross her arms across her chest. “i can’t wait until i have a car of my own, biking gets pretty old.” she joked, trying to break some of the tension. she was interested in befriending david; which was not her original intention. she could see that he had a lot going on, and heather had this habit of wanting to make things better for people. he seemed like a good guy, and the circumstances of his life sucked. well, from her perspective at least. she climbed into his car once they approached it, and strapped herself into the seatbelt. “i’ll direct you,” she assured him, as she mentally got her directions together so that she could guide him in the correct direction. 

heather stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, sweat lightly dripping down her neck and into the back of her sweater.  her brown hair was swooped up into a messy bun with a school colored ribbon holding it into place. kelly had called this practice into fruition last minute. her teammates had scrambled friday night to get the word around and it seemed as if each household had a phone ringing at the exact same time. ‘hello mrs, or mr. such and such, is various team member there? could you let them know that we have a mandatory practice tomorrow at twelve? thank you, goodnight,’ or at least thats what heathers aunt had told her when she trudge through the door that night. hands full of books, and a look of exhaustion in her eyes. track practice had run long; which then prompted her study group to run even longer. 

“fuck her,” heather had mumbled - kelly on her mind as she slammed her bedroom door. nonetheless, heather laid out her school sweatsuit, and trainers. her alarm clock set to ring at eleven in case she slept in. however, heathers eyes shot open at eight am, her calculus test on monday seeming to have moved into her mind. she had to study. before she knew it eleven-thirty had rolled around and she had lost track of time. the numbers taking precedence in her mind over any other task that could possibly come up. she had rushed to get dressed, and jumped on her bike to make it to practice on time. of course, she was late. 

heather had to do thirty push-ups for being late, and run half a mile. afterward, she had excused herself to the restroom. to be pissed in peace, and also to get in a smoke. someone form the team did inevitably seek her out to come participate in the pyramid, and she put on her best smile as she joined her teammates once again. they were outside practicing until four. it was freezing. it seemed as though the entire time was sniffling, and sneezing once they left. 

04: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

“my best subject by far is math. i love numbers. i also love the fact that there is always a clear right answer. no confusion. either you’re right or you’re wrong, and thats pretty much how i like to live my life.”

16: Do you give out second chances too easily?

“i wouldn’t even say that i give out second chances. but then again, i’ve never had a reason to. i don’t waste my time investing in people who don’t deserve it. i would like to say that i’m a bit more selective in who i spend my time with. if someone did something to me that i feel i wasn’t deserving of i’d just let that situation go. they probably weren’t for me anyway.”

19: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

It was easier to think everyone was just putting up a facade, that people weren’t actually worried about the disappearance of a little boy. It was easier for Julie to search for the ugliness behind people’s pity, to question the goodness in their hearts and, especially, to distrust the tears that fell from their eyes. It was easier because that way, she wouldn’t feel so entirely alone: to think that she isn’t the only one that, deep down, beneath the layers of pretending and the heaviness that hung in the air, everyone felt what she felt – and that was, absolutely nothing. She didn’t care that Brian was missing. She wasn’t worried, she wasn’t grieving. There were monsters in Devil’s Knot, she knew. So why shouldn’t monsters do what is in their nature?

That is why Heather’s tears, while they shouldn’t be a surprise, bewildered Julie. Her tears now were real. The fear in her voice, so small and fragile, was real, and that wasn’t something Julie could ignore or pretend to be false. “Hey, hey, hey…” she soothed and turned quickly to Heather, searching for her eyes. “Nothing will happen to us.” She turned completely towards her friend, framing her face with both her hands, gently caressing away the tears that marked her face. “I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise.” Julie’s eyelids drooped and the corner of her mouth quirked up, leaning her forehead against her friend’s.

She took a deep breath before she opened her eyes again and jumped out of bed, walking to the stereo. “C’mon, what do you want to listen?” She stacked up all her CDs on her hand and swinged around the room for a second, letting out a giggle. “I’ll let you choose.”

heather let out a sigh of relief as julies hands cupped her face. the tension in her body releasing as she slowly blinked at her friend. julie was truly her safe space, and it felt so good to finally let out her fears. however, in true julie fashion they were onto the next before she could speak. it was something that she loved about julie. no matter what was going around in their lives, it seemed that she could always bring joy into the situation. it was soothing really. whenever heather was feeling any emotion other than joy she could depend on julie to brighten her spirits. 

“hm,” heather lifted a finger to tap her chin as she also climbed to her feet, a smile replacing the frown on her lips. “put on common people!” she blurted out as soon as it entered her mind. common people by pulp was her current favorite song, and she spent more time screaming that song in the shower than she’d ever admit.

Curtly, David nodded again, trying not to get angry. He knew that Heather wasn’t trying to be rude and, honestly, she wasn’t being rude, but the words still stung for some reason. “Yeah? Well how’s bringing him home going for you guys?” he snapped back before he could stop himself.

As soon as he spoke though, he regretted it, shrinking into himself and shaking his head. “I’m sorry… I… Sorry.” She, and everyone else, was trying their damn hardest. Scanning through the woods over and over, something David had given up doing.

“Uh, yeah… not being here would be really great…” He added, glancing around the room and watching as people didn’t look at him. It all made him mad. He knew they’d just been looking, had just been talking, but as soon as he looked up they looked away. He felt like a freak show. The thought of leaving with Heather sent a rush of relief through him. He didn’t want to be alone but he certainly didn’t want to be here.

heather nodded and stood to her feet, gesturing for him to follow her. “we can go to my house,” she suggested, trying to think of her aunts work schedule. heather spent a lot of time when she was home alone. that was part of the reason that she immersed herself in extracurricular activities.. that and the fact that she wanted to get the hell out of this town. 

“my aunt is at work, so we could just chill.” she continued, smiling at him and pushing her chair in. heather however, did not have a car and had gotten a ride here from another one of their classmates. “did you drive here? i don’t have a car”

The glow of the night entered through the open window, the previous day’s warmth translating into a cooler night. Rays of moonlight and of the street lamps shone against Heather’s skin, making it glow. Julie liked to have Heather near her. Appearances were such a fundamental thing about human beings that perhaps, if anyone were to look at one and the other, despite the obvious differences, they would dare say they were meant for each other: they were essentially the same, and oh so very different at the same time.

Julie caressed Heather’s head, gently stroking her hair. Ever since Brian’s disappearance, their days fell into a new routine, even if a routine nonetheless: going to school, the heaviness of a loss weighing down on everyone, counting every minute until the end of the day appeared with the buzz of a bell, leaving to the woods, hoping to find something new. It was starting to feel hopeless. What else was there to look at? Every inch of the woods was covered with people, every secret spot uncovered by an endless search. “Poor thing,” she finally let out. The phrase was left purposely ominous: she could be referring to Heather, laying there in her room, her face gloom and her hair dishevelled, or it could be about Brian, if still alive, in perhaps very similar circumstances. Julie hoped whoever got him would stroke his hair, too.

“Do you think it’s helping? So many people in one place, if there were ever any evidences to find, they’re likely all lost by now.” The full force of the town of Devil’s Knot concentrated in the woods: every footprint, every piece of DNA was now engraved there, somewhere, everywhere. “They’ve disturbed the balance of nature.” She kept her expression serious, looking into Heather’s eyes for a few seconds before turning her lips into a gentle smile. “At least we have an excuse to sleepover every night.”

the feeling of julies fingers, and the soft tone of her voice was almost enough to lull heather straight to sleep. her eyes closed briefly as she let her thoughts wonder the different circumstances of brians disappearance. julie was right after all.. the evidence was definitely gone at this point. it seemed that they were only searching at this point to keep up appearances, not exactly expecting to find anything. it had been a week, and no sign of the young boy. more than likely he was... well, gone. 

“yeah, i guess,” heather offered halfheartedly. the smile on her face was genuine, but she felt strange. almost as if she was living a borrowed life, on borrowed time. she was only eighteen, but she feared that her life would be cut short as well. similar to her parents, and more recently, brian. “julie, what if whatever happened to brian happens to one of us?” she went on to ask hesitantly, turning onto her back to gaze toward the ceiling. 

the thought of losing julie was enough to make her cry on the spot. she was her soulmate. heather knew that one day julie would be her maid of honor, the god mother of any children she would bear, and overall a life long friend. life without julie was unimaginable for heather, and she could only think that maybe brians friends felt the same way about him. 

mary hawker: motherly/sisterly figure. heather spends a lot of time in marys office, kind of escaping from the outside world. they have a special bond, the kind that heather would’ve wanted with her own mother had she been alive. mary also fills the big sister role for heather, and helps steer her in the right direction. mary is family, blood or not.

david goode: romantic interest. heather is interested in david, and he seems interested in her as well. he fits into her ‘perfect’ life scenario, and would honestly enhance her image. they’re currently still developing.

mary hawkers office could be considered heather’s safe space. she spent a lot of time there when she was supposed to be in class, hell, when she was supposed to be anywhere. mary was honestly the older sister that she never had. blood couldn’t make them any closer.

it was a thursday afternoon, specifically lunch time. this fact is important, because kelly had called another lunch hour practice. “it is freezing cold outside... who is giving her the right to do this?” heather groaned, as she stepped into marys office - shutting the door behind her. “i mean, we practice every single day. if we don’t have it by now, we just won’t have it.” she continued, flipping herself into one of the chairs and looking at mary. if anyone knew the immense pressure that heather was under it’d be her. they were seemingly cut from the same cloth, and were literally the same person. heather felt so lucky to have mary in her life to step in and take on the role of an adult. having no parents, and a narcissistic aunt was almost as overwhelming as her everyday life. she welcomed the presence of someone supportive. 

With a nod, David looked down at his own coffee, trying to think of what to say. Usually, in situations like this, he’d feel awkward but right now he just felt hollow. Brian was out there, somewhere. Everyone in town was searching, it was all people could talk about, but, for some reason, it still didn’t feel real to him. Trying not to scoff at Heather’s optimism, David took a sip of the watered down coffee in front of him.

Everyone kept saying that they’d find Brian, that he would come back, but, as the days continued, David wasn’t so sure. He didn’t know much about crime or kidnappings but he could tell that, at this point, the searchers should be less optimistic.

Placing the coffee cup back on the table, David shoved his hands in his pockets at Heather’s question. Part of him was angry that she’d ask, that she’d have the balls to but he knew it was just what everyone was thinking. His presence, or lack there of, was surely felt every time a search group went out. “I… Maybe? I dunno.” He replied, biting his lip and not looking at Heather. He didn’t want to see the look on her face when she realized what he said.

heather immediately regretted mentioning davids whereabouts when she saw the look on his face. “i didn’t mean to pry,” she countered, trying to avoid the awkwardness that was sure to follow. “we just missed you.” she continued, before shrugging and looking down into her cup. it was very easy to notice when someone was missing in such a small town, especially the sibling of the missing person. surely he had his own demons to fight though, and it was none of anyones business what he chose to do with his time. dealing with the disappearance of his brother must be hard. “i’m sure you’re tired of hearing about it... we all are,” she admitted biting her lip gently. “we’re just trying to bring him home.”

the statement was true, but it sounded dry. they’d been walking night and day... the whole town. nothing had come up. no sign of brian, no sign of anything. the worst had begun to be suspected, although no one wanted to say anything. “maybe we could talk about something else?” she suggested in her natural way. she liked to comfort people, and leaving him weary would feel strange to her. “we could do something else...” she suggested as she took a look at their surroundings. everyone knew who he was, and the looks of pity were a bit much - even for her. 

the atmosphere of any room after searching for brian was suffocating. any emotion other than solemness was unacceptable. heather seemed to drown in the heaviness of it all, and had been feeling the urge to smoke more than ever. however, she couldn’t smoke in such plain sight; which meant that she couldn’t smoke at all. all of her time was spent searching for brian, and all of her go-to spots had been infiltrated by screaming adults. she understood the circumstances, but it still bummed her out. 

heather had decided to search with her best friend, julie, instead of the student council group today - just to take a break from pretending for the day. the pressure she received from anyone but julie to be fake was overwhelming. plus, the search didn’t seem so long with her partner in crime by her side. the pair had decided to go back to julies house afterward just for comfort. heather had been pretty weary of being alone since brians disappearance, and had been spending an increasing amount of time at julies house. “that was intense, huh?” she asked, turning over in the bed to face her friend. when speaking of brians disappearance everyone was very careful with their words. heather was dying to get her genuine feelings out, even if just once. 

“Hey. Um. Thanks for helping out today…” David stated awkwardly as he handed the person in front of him a cup of coffee. It was sun down and all the search parties that had been sent out were slowly returning to the community center; tired and seemingly less hopeful than before. At first, after what happened, David had been one of the people out there, searching the town, the woods, the creek beds. Now though, he couldn’t do it. It frustrated him too much, searching the same places over and over again; calling out Brian’s name until his throat was raw. Mom still went out there every day, desperately leading the search, but David stayed behind, content to be the face that welcomed everyone back at the end of the day.

“Do you… did you guys find anything?” He asked, already knowing the answer. He didn’t know what else to say though. What was he supposed to say to someone who had just spent hours out in the woods looking for his brother’s dead body?

heather had been searching for brian from the very beginning. she didn’t know much about the goode family, and had never really associated with any of them... but the disappearance of brian had hit the entire town personally. david and beth were fairly new to the high school, but from the few impressions she had of them the two seemed nice enough. neither of them had rubbed her the wrong way, so she had no reason to not think neutrally of them. 

heather was known to be involved in pretty much everything around town, especially if it had anything to do with school. student council had formed their own little search group, and they participated in every round of searches. most of the kids took turns, but heather made it her business to be included in each one. to be honest, she was exhausted. the woods were starting to blend together, and it seemed as though they were going in circles; so when the student body president suggested that someone reach out to the goode family she jumped at the opportunity. 

david seemed a bit easier to reach since she was a cheerleader, and had seen his face more times than she had seen beths. she had a bridge that seemed pretty easy to cross with him, and truthfully she wasn’t surprised when he accepted her offer to meet. 

“it was really no problem,” she assured him. the bags under her eyes were apparent though, and seemed to suggest otherwise. she took the cup from him and flashed a grateful smile, settling back into her seat. “no, we haven’t found anything..” she admitted hesitantly her eyes awkwardly shifting towards the door. anywhere but his eyes honestly. “but i mean you know we aren’t going to stop looking until we find him!” she hurried to reassure him, taking a slow sip from her cup.

“we missed you today,” she continued shifting forward and placing her elbows on the table. his absence from the search had been noted, at least by heather. no one would dare to mention it aloud. “are you planning to join the search later?”