On Love & Other Delusions

Okay, so we all know the big, screaming red flags, right?

Love-bombing, calling you “crazy” when you have a normal boundary, disappearing for three days then popping up with “sorry babe my phone died.”

Those are neon signs the size of Times Square. They’re easy (in theory) to spot and run from.

But what about the sneaky ones? The ones that feel kinda cute in month two and then slowly rot your soul by month nine? Those are the red flags I’ll be writing about today.

1. They Never Actually Ask About You (But Somehow You Know Their Entire History)

You’ve heard about their toxic ex, their complicated relationship with their mom, and that one time in college they did shrooms and cried for six hours… but when you ask them what your favorite movie is?

It feels like emotional intimacy because they’re “opening up,” but it’s actually a one-way street. You’re just a free therapist that they get to pay with kisses.

Next time they finish a 45-minute monologue, try saying nothing. Just nod and sip your drink. If they immediately go “anyway…” and start the next chapter instead of focusing on you for a change, you know what to do.

2. “I’m Just Not Like Other Guys/Girls”

If someone has to announce they’re “not like the rest,” they’re usually the president of the rest. This line is the human equivalent of a restaurant with a sign that says “BEST PIZZA IN TOWN.”

Hard pass.

3. They Get Weirdly Competitive With Your Wins

You got a promotion?

“That’s cute, I once closed a deal that…”

You finally hit your fitness goal?

“Yeah, I used to deadlift way more back in…”

If your good news makes them scramble to one-up you instead of just being happy for you, that’s a person poisoned by their ego. Imagine 10 years of that.

5. The “You’re Not Like Other Girls” Compliment

It sounds sweet for exactly 2.5 seconds until you realize the subtext is “I hate women, but you’re the magic exception.”

Spoiler: you’re not.

The second you have a human need or emotion, you’ll be lumped in with the “others” real quick.

6. Their Ex Is “Literally Crazy” (All of Them)

If every single ex is diagnosed as a narcissist, borderline, or “psycho,” the common denominator is… not the exes.

Healthy people have exes they don’t vibe with anymore, sure. They don’t have a personal Dexter kill room of “crazy” former partners.

7. They’re Amazing… When They Want Something

Hot and cold isn’t just temperature, it’s a lifestyle for some people. They’re Prince Charming when they need emotional support, a ride to the airport, or sex. The second you need something, suddenly they’re “super overwhelmed,” or “can’t handle that right now.”

8. “I Don’t Really Label Things”

If someone’s still doing the “I don’t like labels” dance after 4–6 months of acting like your parents, they just want the perks without the responsibility.

You’re not a limited-edition vinyl, stop letting them treat you like one.

9. They Make You Feel Like You’re “Too Much” for Totally Normal Stuff

If you want to define the relationship, they make you seem clingy. You’re upset they flirted with someone in front of you? They say you’re being dramatic.

If you start questioning whether your very reasonable needs are actually insane, that’s not love, that’s gaslighting.

The scariest part is these flags often come wrapped in “but they’re so nice” or “they’ve been through a lot” or “when they’re good, they’re REALLY good.”

That’s the trap. Trust yourself and that little voice that says “this feels off” even though you can’t explain why. That’s your future self trying to save you years of therapy.

You deserve someone who makes the voice in your head go, “oh thank god, finally” not “wait… something’s wrong.”

You got this. And if you ignore all this and text the walking red flag anyway at 2 a.m.? No judgment. We’ve all had that one ex who was 14 red flags in a trench coat.

Just…try to take this into consideration and be safe okay?

Sending you love, clarity, and the strength to block when necessary. 💕