headyolk

to be messy 🫟

lose control over what cannot be controlled

more whimsies & wants 🦩

overcome scarcity mindset and constant weighing of price and practicality over true likes and items that bring joy

write more 📝

a tumblr post a day

live in the present ⏱️

look back less and look forward less. reduce the magnitude of regrets and yearning of what’s yet to come

spend resources to develop interests 🎼

kcal

today is monday, but also a bonus sunday

sleeping till the sun rises, repeating the same sunday routines, having lunch at a hawker centre with my parents, and then dozing off on my bed right after lunch. what a life. did a bit of ‘weekend work’, got a bit too caught up in it but managed to salvage the remainder of the evening

i tried counting my calories using a government-based application and the first half of the day was fine - out of my 1400kcal budget, allocated in view of my desire to lose weight, i had allegedly spent a good 400 on breakfast even though it was just 2 shio-buns and a cup of milo. the next burn was lunch, which was basically a plate of classic chicken rice which set me back by another 500kcal. at this point i was severely worried about my dinner because i only have basically another chicken rice-equivalent and that’s excluding any midday snacks. and i don’t even have a habit of snacking! notwithstanding the phantom snacks, this was a already bare minimum for me to even get through the day

by lunch the calorie surge and looming impossibility of hitting my diet plan was enough to make me commit to waking up at 6.30am tomorrow morning for a 15 min run around the park (let’s see how it goes tomorrow and the day after)

dinner was the final straw when even my home cooked ultra healthy and clean meal of veggie soup, cod fish, and fresh otah - which could only closely be registered as economical rice of 2 meat + 1 veggie - hit an unbelievable 900kcal. that sent me over in disbelief and the best part was that sent my sodium intake up as well. i later searched up what was the equivalent of 900 kcal in food and it’s THREE LARGE FAST-FOOD BURGERS. ain’t no way i ate that much

chinatown

a combined table set up for 9 persons in a niche of the restaurant, situated right by the windows, right along the five foot way, right along a busy vehicular road

stepping in the restaurant the concept was pretty on point. the seat we got was arguably the best as it was the main source of natural light and external view the entire restaurant got. the light let in through the windows was perfectly filtered without the heat of the midday sun, all thanks to the external sheltered walkway embedded as part of the building footprint from the earlier days

the walls were covered in decorative bricks (not printed ones), neo-traditional artworks, while the exposed intumescent painted ceilings were prefaced with traditional weaves and textiles hanging from a nice timber-steel frame system

all the tables are centred by a large dried bouquet of red pussy willows dressed in red paper ribbons, while each table is adorned with characteristic clay and glazed cutlery

a jazzy shanghai-esque album of old chinese songs play in a loop through the ceiling speakers together with the shaking of cocktails at the bar

the dishes were served in a timely, closely-paced sequence. claypot rice, cabbage stir fried with smoked meat, chicken dices with dried chili, seafood steamed egg, long beans stir friend with squid… spread across the entire length of the tables we occupied

bowls were passed back and forth so that those who sat at the ends could eat every dish ordered, requests were made over and across the spread

the bouts of “here’s your food” and “may i have more tea?” flashed in tandem with the sudden 3-second darkening of the space as double decked buses and large lorries drove past, effectively blocking out the natural daylight that illuminated our little lunch niche

soon the clattering and chiming of chopsticks against the pottery, the burring of wind from the two mechanical wall fans, and the occasional flickering of light matched the chaos and busyness of the roads outside in chinatown

bad cake

imagine a child-like level of excitement and glee, looking at the variety of cakes and knowing that they are all affordably priced

next imagine a look of disappointment and disgust at the cheap and artificial ingredients and flavours used in the cakes

my sweet tooth was sorely let down today

1/10 because -cue the tt sound from a year ago- 1 is the lowest rating possible

oyster mee sua

had a random and out of character craving for oyster mee sua today

the garlic hits but also smells rancid with every aftermath burb

the MSG-laden fried king oyster mushroom soaked in the gelatinous umami stew

village feast

a tearful return to her homeland, a place not seen and so missed for two cycles of the seasons

her mother, her children and her fellow village people

a triumphant and joyful homecoming

she buys a sheep and has it butchered in celebration, the most prized head for her mother dearest and the rest of the sacrificed for everyone else to bask in envy and pride

worked to the bone in a foreign land, only is she able to afford meat and bone from the beast she handpicked herself, for her and her family

she spends the remaining of her hard earned hefty bonus, converted to wads of cash, and buys a year’s supply of grains for those dependent on her labour and sacrifice

two weeks pass by in a flash and she’s now on the plane back to her other home

en-route characters

every morning we take the same route to the same workplace. on most mornings we see the same people, also taking the same route to the same destination, at the same traffic light, same bus stop, same train

there is a sense of comfort seeing these en-route characters. a sense of routine and familiarity established over time and space in association with a mundane dryness that reoccurs like clockwork

it’s entirely optional, and perfectly acceptable to either acknowledge each other’s presence or completely leave it as is - strangers you somehow somewhat trust despite not knowing them

every morning i would first encounter the grandma and her helper waiting outside the gates beside the fountain. and on the days that i’m late, i would be sure to know, because they would either be boarding the wheelchair shuttle or be entirely on their way to the senior day care centre already

my next encounter would be the tall half-naked uncle walking his rounds around the neighbourhood park. we have recently established acknowledgement and make somewhat awkward small talk that occasionally cross my personal boundaries (but i guess that’s a boomer thing)

on some mornings i would walk alongside the preschooler and her helper; on some i would walk in front or behind the teenage boy from my estate with the converse sneakers

at the bus stop i would encounter some staff from what i presume is the Fairprice warehouse - an uncle still the maroon uniform with an ironic Sheng Siong plastic bag containing his belongings slung over his shoulder; the lady wearing a yellow smart watch with matching yellow phone case - sometimes she would be with who i presume is her work bestie; the two young migrant workers. we would all take the same bus together to the MRT station

to be dependable

i am a very cowardly person and definitely not close to being a ‘dependable’ person

i jokingly told my mother today that i am not a dependable person and she immediately agreed. i didn’t take it to offence because i knew it myself, but it did sting a little - for reasons i still struggle to iron out even though i am an ‘adult’

i implored my mother to expand more on what she defines as ‘dependable’ and she said that to be considered dependable is to be -colloquially speaking- steady in everything they do

i agreed and immediately thought about the most objectively dependable person - which is my senior colleague at work. truly unfazed by anything and an extremely hard worker, he is seriously a role model to look up to. sometimes stubborn to a fault in following what is right or safe, people trust him to do things right and well and take his word for it

i also think about my junior colleague at work who portrays a slightly different image than my senior but there are definitely fundamental similarities. like a willingness to do hard and difficult work, knowing what is right and wrong and being extremely grounded in their belief and being a bull about it

in comparison to myself… where a timidness and aversion to difficult or ‘wasteful’ things inadvertent put up a defensive guard and thereby blocks opportunities or allow others to depend on me

i realise today that there is reason in why things are - why people do not trust me as much to handle the bigger things (i believe that people trust me as a hard and meticulous person but not as someone who can hold the fort for more than a week). it is because i display a fear and hesitance and discomfort that tell people i am at capacity at unable to fend for others while fending myself

let me circle back to the examples of the steadfast people around me, and also bring in the archetypal ‘yes man’. dependable people are somewhat people pleasers not because they are yes men but because they genuinely deliver their promises or at least try their best to. dependable people give off the impression that they may take on more than they wish to - which my mother says kinda makes this key quality of giving or receiving unconditionally, foolish. so not only are dependable people generally receptive to helping others, they actually are able to help others.

and contrary to what my mother says though, i feel that dependable people actually do say no. unlike yes men, they draw boundaries and are upfront when they feel they need more resources or are unable to commit to a task. being upfront and drawing boundaries means that you know your limits but also that you know your capabilities. that’s something i need to work on instead of either frantically saying yes to everything or grumpily frowning no to anything

shifty eyes

i’m describing a mild form of social awkwardness that occurs while on public transport - or any form of public space where you do nothing except wait or travel

this phenomenon occurs under multiple conditions together:

wide awake and not dozing off to the jerk and movement of the vehicle

a refusal or resistance against using your mobile phone to pass time; or when you left your e-reader at home charging after leaving it to drain amidst a reading slump

so that leaves one looking at the row of shoes and feet of fellow commuters seated opposite, or sometimes and rather frequently at the crotch area of fellow commuters standing opposite you

when your neck gets tired you try to look up and catch your crusty reflection on the warped and fuzzy surface of curved glass. or you try to look at the scenery outside but inadvertently look like you’re staring creepily at your fellow commuters - although they would likely be glued to their phones

hot hot hot!

post-facial day and my pores are squeaky clean, a ridiculous magical glow to my sweaty face when the dojo lights hit

then there is me post-morning walk which was more of a defeated lament than an angsty continuum of complaints about the heat

there’s also me at the coffeeshop at dinner time, soaking in the fats and oils and sambal of mookata, seafood BBQ, lala hotpot and oyster egg all in the same space. never mind though, because at this point i was a sweaty stinky ball post-BJJ already

there were moments of reprieve when we entered the magnificently cooled spaces across the span of the day, such as the shopping mall (where i impulsively purchased a beautiful royal blue sandals that were inherently not for my feet), the music studio - not just one but two - trying out various guqin for our next upgrade, and the dojo (which wasn’t much reprieve because we sweated quite a bit)

saturday

walking in the rain and having rain run down your face and thinking of the song ‘unwritten’

accidentally scratching the family car while getting out of a parking lot due to a dumbass mistake

washing the car and speed washing the toilet and speed washing myself to get out of house on time

desperately needing a caffeinated drink because i got up too early and ended up with a lousy matcha latte

walking around bugis with a broken sandal strap (third time!) but somehow still managing to last the whole afternoon

browsing and discussing books at kinokuniya and strategising how to get out of my reading slump

doing my monthly facial ie maintenance of my skin

electric toothbrush

i remember the first time i used an electric toothbrush. it was probably 2 years ago and it was a terrifying feeling. did not entertain the idea of switching to an electric toothbrush since then

until early this year (or was it last year?) when i tried another electric toothbrush due to rising concerns over my premature gum recession issues

i had purchased my own electric toothbrush and have been using it day and night, week by week, month by month ever since

getting used to the hum and ultrasonic vibrations that promise to be gentle on your gums while blasting away all the plague

until just now when i heard a clatter and found that the button had fallen completely off the device and in it was some severe buildup of calcium deposits from all the water and toothpaste foam which trickled down as i brushed my teeth over the past few months

what we wear

early this morning on my morning commute to work, i saw a woman sitting across me with three crosses worn around her neck

i thought about the many crosses i’ve seen on people’s necks and while some of them are for aesthetic, some of them are also in earnest belief

i saw a girl sitting across me in a black uniqlo halter neck top and a nice pair of denim jeans. she was a bit chubby, but not fat - but not thin either. her exposed shoulders were soft and padded, her tummy rolls looming stuffily through the high-waisted jeans

she looked like me - not in a literal way but in the way her clothes were worn uncomfortably and untruly. the awkwardness behind her classes and the permanent baby fat on her cheeks; the way her undyed and unstyled hair cascaded down her face. she was trying but it’s just not it

corridor

a corridor is nothing but empty space; a space unoccupied; a space dedicated for the flux and movement of people; a space not inhabited but traversed

accommodation and thoughtfulness can be experienced in the vastness of corridors in our everyday spaces

the delegation of non-space; the reservation of a negative; the sacrifice of tenable square foot and dollars

the wide corridor allows everyone and anyone to pass. the wide corridor enables the wheelchair user to navigate along the windows without the constant looking over their shoulder fearing that they may be blocking others’ way. the wide corridor enables both parents to hold their child’s hands at the same time. the wide corridor allows you and your friends to chat and laugh without leaving you awkwardly behind

meanwhile a curve is nothing but a waste of space and a construction frivolity; a gesture often scoffed at; a non-straightness deemed too costly for this economy

but the curve guides you along, the curve slows you down, the curve protects

the curve protects against unexpected bumps and collisions at intersections or around corners; the curve never hides; the curve is felt through and through

taxi

blue green red

the colours of the taxis i took today

shuttling from home to site, from site to the cave, from the cave to home

R G B

hbd bro!

zombie

posting in-lieu of yesterday because we had an online discussion from basically 10pm to past midnight so i basically had 1 hour less of sleep and now i feel absolutely whacked.