just life

actually my new routine: thorough shower first, then food. it feels sooo much better!

i know it is good for me, but appointments just make me no. the stress level is too high. no idea how i will get through this month with horrible stuff lined up until the end of the month.

i have a veeery bad protective system for myself, but im maybe getting better

i was told what im doing is sh. my mind is a weird place. that was a shocking surprise, but im sure i knew it before. i just tend to forget the things i learned. it is really hard to change when you feel there are no other options. i tried to force a lot in the right direction, and then, maybe close to the goal, i gave up. because i had nobody to support me. and support doesnt mean saying well done once. it means pushing me when i lose hope. im used to doing everything alone, nobody caring what i do. i grew up like that. a lot that is normal to others, like taking good care of yourself, i never got taught. i only got taught that im not allowed boundaries or feelings and that i have to do what others want and want nothing for myself. i hate it. i need to relearn everything as if i was a child. and for that i need people who treat me like im a valuable, worthy and loved child. how does that even feel, to be a human, not a nothing. you should all be wary of the one teaching me what care means. once i have something in my experience as comparison, you are falling short so fast. and i still dont fucking listen to him. and he is right every time.