chronicling

feels like my social life is on fire and for once i finally feel warm

im such a mirror. i can so easily become indifferent when i feel indifference towards me. i can easily enjoy people who enjoy me. i am what i perceive. i hate it honestly

i dont know how to tell my brain that people are busy and they can love you and be busy at the same time. its problematic

I worry about growing away from my friends. It's just life but lately I've been so tired of initiating. It feels like I'm chasing a ghost. Of course plants wilt if you stop watering it but doesn't it also feel like a waste if you keep watering it but it never blooms? I don't know. It feels like it should be reciprocal and it hasn't been generally. Sometimes I wonder if I have the wrong friends for me. I need more than I have regardless

I love telling people how I feel and trying to put my emotions into words but I'm never sure of exactly where the limit is. I have no problem telling someone I miss them or thinking of them all day anyway but how am I supposed to know how much rapport I'm supposed to have with someone before I tell them that? There isn't like a bar or meter in my HUD that fills up and says "You can do the weird thing now. They won't mind"

I often get this sense of dread like I have to provide value to earn someone's respect and then continue to provide that value to maintain it. It's vicious. It's like, oh no they're ignoring me, was I on my best behavior? I mustn't have been :(

I assume everyone has more fun without me because I'm not the center of anyone's desire like I have for others. I can easily think of someone and be chomping at the bit for them all day and I never sense that urgency towards me from anyone else