TRAGEDY.

Tom Haverford.

❝ One time my refrigerator stopped working. I didn’t know what to do. I just moved! ❞ ❝ TREAT YOURSELF! ❞ ❝ This is the hardest I’ve worked on anything since… Wow. I’ve never worked hard on anything. What a cool life! ❞ ❝ Your boobs are dead! ❞ ❝ [name], ask me if I’m sad. ❞ ❝ Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot. ❞ ❝ I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more road for me on the low road. ❞ ❝ Oh my god, what have I done? Like, to humanity! ❞ ❝ God, you don’t deserve the internet! ❞

Donna Meagle.

❝ Treat. Yo. Self! ❞ ❝ Is there some kind of medication that you maybe need a lot of, and have taken none of or a little too much of? ❞ ❝ You best watch yourself. ❞ ❝ If you don’t like how I tweet, don’t follow me. ❞ ❝ Do I look like I drink water? ❞ ❝ I’m chilling. ❞ ❝ Yes, I am a hunter. And it’s you-season. ❞ ❝ Come on now, you know I don’t give a fuck. ❞ ❝ You don’t watch Game of Thrones? Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! ❞

Chris Traeger.

❝ You did a great job, Superstar! ❞ ❝ I believe you’re capable of much more. ❞ ❝ I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I’m going to do. ❞ ❝ Your inbox is literally filled with penises. ❞ ❝ You’re literally the meanest person I’ve ever met. ❞ ❝ I have literally a 1,000 questions. ❞ ❝ It literally broke my heart. ❞ ❝ If I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair. ❞ ❝ I’m so happy! ❞

Ann Perkins.

❝ Jogging is the worst. I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but God, At what cost? ❞ ❝ I don’t know, I’m weird with kids. ❞ ❝ I’m dating myself right now. ❞ ❝ She/he has no flaws! There was one time I thought she/he farted. But it was me. ❞ ❝ Oh my God, are you serious? ❞

Garry Gergich.