🪬em🪬

I don’t think I know how to be alone. how to be unloved. i grew up being unloved so hard that as soon as my heart latched onto a person, i never wanted to lose that feeling. But i feel it now and it’s no one’s fault but my own. I ask too many questions, i doubt and i fear. I call my own endings to come. and here’s another ending. It’s a suffering that i’ve become addicted to unknowingly. it taunts me in the corner my brain, haunts every relationship i walk into. it beckons me and replays my fears for me. Tells me how little i’m worth. it’s a broken record that my heart loathes. it’s an internal war that i’ve been suffering from. My hearts yearns another’s love but my brain won’t let me deserve it. It’s not about who it is on the receiving end anymore. it’s always the same game, the same play with different actors and yet the leading actress lands every role. I stand on the stage of every relationship waiting for them to learn their lines, for the lights to dim. action. and scene. Will i ever retire from this job. from this acting. all my heart yearns for is love. pure, unadulterated love and yet i can never keep it close enough. always out of reach. I don’t know what’s going to happen after tonight. Where i’ll sleep. But i know one thing, as long as i let my brain hold on to the reigns, i will always be unloved. But maybe i deserve that. Maybe these people don’t deserve the role in my plays. It’s just a lie designed to look pretty.

i thought i was recovering but slowly it came crawling back after 3 months. I cant believe what triggered it full mode was finding out my bf’s ex weighed less than me now i feel like i’m in a competition. I’m insane but it’s working. down to the lowest i’ve been since i was 14 years old. 45lbs to go

thanksgiving is my nightmare family won’t stop trying to stuff me ugh only thing keeping me going is that i’ll just not eat after this to make up for it

been crying constantly bc ppl won’t stop commenting on my non eating and weight loss like goddamn can you think

sometimes i fail to see my progress then remember i was 70lbs heavier 4 months ago

update two weeks into not eating for 40 days and no one told me i’d be puking acid 5 times a day 😐

had to call out of work today bc after like a week of not eating i barely have energy to walk to the bathroom love that

god i’m so angry i went out to lunch with a friend and he loudly told the waitress we only need one menu and kept making comments about my weight and eating and i ordered diet coke and a house salad and he says so loud “why are you so starved you never eat” i asked to go home. debating on blocking him bc that was so rude i’ve told him before not to comment on my eating and no one listens just mind your fat fucking business