swebby

I fucking love you. Hear me?! I FUCKING LOVE YOU. So there. It’s out there. We’re separated, and I FUCKING HATE IT. I hate sleeping on our island of a bed, because I feel like there’s too much space now. Just FUCK FUCKING FUCK. I just want things to be better, not how they use to be but, just better.

Love,

While you were working I had coffee with a friend. Then we came back to our apartment, and I began cleaning, he helped. He helped knowing that tonight we were going to “hangout”, haha, it’s funny because we’re both married, but separated. So it’s like a date, maybe not, maybe I’m reading too much into it. Doesn’t mean I’ll stop. I purposely made sure I cleaned the entire house so we could actually talk, play a game. I organized and even got the middle room fixed up more. I’m hoping you’ll come home and think “damn...she really did all this just so I would be here with her”. Ya know. We’ll see once you’re off work, but I have to take a power nap before you get home, so yeah.

With love,

Thank you for being my best friend, my soul mate, love of my life, ride or die. Thank you for the years of helping me through the death of loved ones, being there when friends move away. Helping me find my confidence in my own body, and not being scared to wear what I want. Thank you for finding the courage to tell me the truth, and for being honest constantly. I just want the best for you, so thank you for being my ear, and shoulder to cry on. Literally.

Love,

So yeah coming to the realization that I don’t have any friends, and it’s hitting me a little hard. Especially when your spouse talks about the whole gang getting together, and realizing you’ll never be invited out with them, because you’re not wanted. I get it’s your group. I just thought. Yeah maybe that’s the problem I just thought. It’s just like my old “friends”. They just stopped inviting me out all together. So maybe I’m meant to just be alone.

Love,

You know your happiness means the utter world to me, and I want nothing more than to see you happy. I want you to explore the world, and yourself included. I just want to watch you blossom into the woman I know you are, and an even better one that you think. I just hope there’s a seat for me, to be there, congratulating you on your highs. Being there for the extreme lows. You’re the love of my life.

I love you

What is bothering you so much, and so early? I get you want the car fixed up, you want that freedom of not waiting, the freedom to leave without questioning how. I can see you aching to be anywhere else but here, the urge to be able to leave, go see friends. Feels like another set farther from me. I doubt you read these, and that’s okay, no one does. That’s why I speak my thoughts here. No family, no friends. Nothing.

Did it feel good deleting “married” from your profile? Can I change mine?

With the deepest of love for you,

4:30am

We’re separated.

You’ve stopped telling me your stories, secrets, your most inner thoughts. I can still tell when something’s wrong, but right now me asking questions makes you want to leave. So I sit. I watch the conversations from others fill your phone, all while your fingers are trying to keep up with the words you’re typing. I wish I could be one of those lucky few who get to grasp on to your attention, maybe just to tell them not to let it go, to say something funny so I can see that you’re happy. Because you look happy.

Last question.

Are you happier without me?

With the deepest of love,

It’s almost eight o’clock and I’ve already written you I know. It’s just I have all these feelings inside, and just want to tell you everything. But we’re separated. We are separated. It’s like a mantra I must say three times to remind myself that you were once mine, but I must let you be.

We’re separated.

We’re separated.