i’m safe fuck off

haha i’m a messy bitch but i am doing better now 👍🏼

i’ll always love them, platonically though. and i think that’s fine.

// but is there an antidote for this?

well it’s about that time of night when I log in here and complain about not wanting to be alive and being overweight and unattractive and neither physically or intellectually attractive and pushing all my friends away and how I can’t get out of bed before noon or do anything productive or focus or how my brain doesn’t work right anymore (did it work right before?) and how they don’t tell me they love me or miss me or anything really and unless I say I love them they don’t ever tell me they love me and even then most of the time they just ignore it and that’s such a shitty feeling and I think they want to break up and I don’t blame them I don’t deserve them I don’t deserve much I wish I were better I wish i were a better person I miss my kids I miss being at work even though I’m not a very good teacher and lazy and don’t grade or do lesson plans I love my job I hope I’m good at it one day but at this rate I’ll have killed myself before I get good at my job. I want to see my students, they were all I had, I think when I see them I’m going to cry (I’m not going to see them because I’ll be dead as a door nail) I miss Angeldove and Isaiah (I hope he is ok. I hope he is ok and still alive) and Alex and Devanie (they asked me to refer them to the counselor right before school closed I hope they are ok) and Kim (so strong) and steph and Frankie and Esme and Dejshan and Makhi and Sonja and Dulcie and whisper and Ari and tony and Nancy and mago and quiet Jessica and her foil loud amy and even that little shit Armando and pretty much everyone else I wish I never met them I wish I never moved here I wish I did it when I first thought about doing it. When was that? 2014? I’m not good enough I’ll never be good enough I miss them so much and they don’t love me they don’t like me they don’t miss me they are wholly uninterested. “suicide by cop” is my favorite song on himanshu’s “eat pray thug” album. Such an interesting concept. It is so stupid that everyone says they love me except for them. I’m stupid. I was stupid two years ago. That was a stupid thing to say. I don’t take it back though, I stand by it, they are my world, that’s the problem. I have nothing else, I have nothing else; I’m codependent just like my mother, who articulated her love so poorly that I cannot hear her voice without losing control. Let it go, right? 15-ish years of emotional labor. Screaming. Dad brandishing a knife at her (?) (!) and then her threatening suicide at ME like I’m the problem she’s escaping. Well, yeah. Dad didn’t want me either so, fair. I did the dishes today but I haven’t washed my knives because if there are no clean knives then I can’t use them on my [...] I cried the other day while messaging peter. I’m so fond of peter. He’s a sweet fellow. Peter would miss me. Maybe martin would miss me. And Jake and Kwesi and Kat (not Mer though, LOL). The world’d move on but they’d miss me for a bit. And I (always considerate of others) do not wish to subject them to that.

it’s implied that gloria killed herself. she wasn’t family, but she was family. like a cousin, or maybe even an older sister. i recall she’d take me to the baskin-robins next to ralph’s and the taco shop across from the community college whenever i was in san diego. i went to her wedding. that was the second-to-last time i saw her. the last time i saw her was at grandma’s funeral here in the US (or was it at the hospital? or at berne’s house when the hospice nurse was there?), before i went to the philippines, which puts it somewhere close to when i fell in [...] with kaitlyn, for whatever that’s worth (not much apparently). she was sweet. the entire de jesus family was sweet. they always had food and they were always excited to see me. i’m sure they’d still be excited to see me, even though i let everyone down by not becoming a doctor. i wonder how they are handling this, and everything that’s going on. i’ve not spoken to any of them for quite some time, as i have tried to distance myself from that side of my family, and san diego, and... i think she was a nurse. and now she’s gone and stolen my thunder. so i guess i better stay alive for a little bit longer. that’d be a lot, huh. rest in peace, ate gloria.

so i’m reading zoloft is seldom lethal smh