Have A Splenda Day In Hell

When people almost stab you with a straw before you’ve even put the drink down.

Taping of any kind: card on the counter, hand on your side, on a metal cup or on the bar.

When people throw down money on the counter instead of handing it to you like your a stripper.

When people shove a card in the card reader the second they get to register even though they haven’t ordered anything yet and it makes the card reader malfunction.

When people talk like your stupid.

When people stare at you from the second they finish ordering until their drink is ready even if it’s in the middle of peak and jump up every time a drink goes out even when it isn’t their drink.

When you say “just a moment” because your pouring a drink a foot away from the register and someone starts ordering to thin air then get annoyed when you ask them to repeat their order. 

Pumpkin spice launched and my spirits fell. 

I asked someone to please not reach over the bar when they tried to take the gallon of milk I was using. They legitimately wouldn’t stop yelling at me/actually following me to proceed with yelling at me until I stepped in the back and the head manager came out to make them back off.

I became a conscious objector to cold foam because--despite my love for it’s gelato smooth texture--the one pitcher to five million drinks ratio was infuriating.

Someone told me they’d been waiting for far too long for their drink despite the time stamp confirming that they’d ordered five minutes prior and it being rush hour. This isn’t out of the ordinary the tone just made me want to end it all with a pitchers worth of americano water to the face. 

I performed an out of key duet of Moon Dance with my coworker while on the bar and got odd looks from a lot of airline pilots.

If I call Jim and your name is Andrea than obviously the drink I’ve just put out isn’t yours. Confirmation can be found on the side of the cup.

If you ordered large iced matcha and I put out a small hot caramel macchiato it stands to reason that that latter drink is not yours. Mistakes happen but it’d be genuinely startling if that one did.

...or honestly,  just get fired for saying “Patience is a Virtue” to the people who finish at the register and proceed to immediately yell at me

Person: *watching me enter in water rather than grabbing it* are you too stupid to get it yourself

Me: *internally screams but keeps smiling forcefully* No sir it’s just policy, this is how we keep the line moving.

The Just-Try-Me-I-Will-Get-Fired-Over-Something-Absurd Voice in my head:

If you want water without a wait feel free to grab the overpriced water in our fridge.

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Person: *drink has just come out* I got a sandwich with this (warming is at the other side of the store)

Me: *forced smile intensifies as I nod while pouring wrapped heart* okay, I’m sure it’ll be out soon. 

Person: It should be out now 

Me: *living on the edge here* I’m sorry but It’ll be out when it’s ready.

---

Person: This tastes like coffee *angrily attempts to thrust coffee at me over the espresso machine*

Me: *nods as indeed it probably does* Okay what would you like me to do about that?

Person: Fix it, Remake it, it’s wrong.

Me: *cup uncapped in hand so I can finally actually see what the drink is, it’s a quad shot grande white mocha* Would you like more* Would you like more white mocha or less espresso?

Person: It’s wrong just fix it.

Me: ... Alright right away. *puts in ten pumps of white mocha and two shots.*

Person: *angrily drinks half cup and slams down* I want a frap.

Me: *glances at growing line of drink stickers* What kind of frap?

Person: An expresso frap. 

Me: *dies a little more on the inside* Sir that will still taste like coffee.

Person: Just give me what I want. 

Me: *noting annoyed looks from other customers* Sir would you like to speak to the manager? 

Person: I want you to get me my drink. 

Manager: *having brought herself over,  takes the reins. I work another day.*

---

Person: I want a green tea no water no ice 

Me: What size? 

Person:...REGULAR *points to the biggest size.

Me: Alright and just to be sure you know that won’t be cold?”

Person: *stares blankly through me* yes.

*ten minutes later*

Person: *slamming drink on the bar* This isn’t cold!

Me: Would you like ice?

Person: No I want it to be cold.

---

Person: This decaf iced coffee tastes weaker than normal 

Me: *having never seen this person in my life (I make the same iced coffee the same way every day of the week. It’s pre-measured and comes in packets the ice scoop is always the same size.)* I’m sorry about that I could make you an iced decaf americano that would probably be stronger.

Person: Just pour me another cup. 

Me: Pours another cup

*two minutes later*

Same Person: *addressing guy on register* This decaf iced coffee tastes weaker than normal.

Cashier Guy: (and I quote) “I’m sorry about that I could make you a decaf iced americano it would be stronger.” 

Person: Just pour me another cup. 

Cashier Guy: It’s going to be the same coffee so you might not be satisfied with it.

Person: *firmly* Just pour another cup, it’s not hard.

Cashier Guy: Pours another cup.

Person: Takes sip *growls* this is still too weak.

Me: *stands by wishing I could slam my head against the counter*

Cashier Guy: I could make you a decaf americano.

Person: I’ll just deal with it but it better be fixed next time. *Storms off*

*never see him again despite the warning*

--

Person: *addressing the warming station that no one is at rather than the cashier that already tried to talk to them, flat out yells* Sausage sandwich coffee regular 

*neither oven replies*

Cashier: *loudly* I can get your order over here.

Person: *stares blankly at warming as manager comes out carrying display racks, louder this time* Sausage sandwich coffee.

Manager: They can get you at register over there. *directs towards the register, the cashier is mid-transaction now with someone who would go to register*

Person: *screaming at top of lungs into other customers face* SAUSAGE SANDWICH AND REGULAR COFFEE.

Cashier: Just a second I’ll be right with you. 

Person: *screams again*

*other transaction finishes and Cashier looks at them again*

Cashier: What size coffee? 

Person: REGULAR

Cashier: Holding up three cups *Which is regular?” 

Person: Regular, small.

Latte: expresso, steamed milk, light foam

Cappuccino: third expresso, third steamed milk, third foam. 

Americano: expresso and water

Macchiato:  expresso, spot of milk (this one is admittedly different everywhere)

Flat White: expresso, velvety milk

A Latte with extra foam is a Cappuccino.

A Cappuccino with light foam is a Latte.

A milky Americano is not a thing unless you’ve asked for a topper of steamed milk or have added some in yourself.

Be specific on what you want when ordering a macchiato and don’t get mad at the barista they don’t decide what the shop calls a Macchiato.

Ristretto shots: half the water of a typical shot. As it takes less time to pull it’s both sweeter and stronger.

Expresso: the middle-man

I don’t need to know how to spell Amy, really don’t slow down every letter like you’re sounding it out to a child. If I don’t know I will ask you.

There are four expresso shots in a venti americano, please don’t come up to me with your drink and tell me I need to check my manual because there’s supposed to be five (for that matter when despite that and yelling at both me and my coworkers I remake your drink with five don’t scoff and say, ‘it’ll do this time’ like your planing revenge and storm off).

You don’t need to tell me how many expresso shots or syrup pumps are in each drink because it’s my job to know. I make drinks for hours straight especially during rush, I’ve had enough practice to know.

I actually can understand french so don’t talk about how sad it is that I’m to stupid to do anything else with my life right in front of me, don’t assume I don’t know things because I’m working a service industry job. I’m in college I’m supporting myself as I can until I finish my degree. I work another job as a theatrical technician. I am not stupid.

I have crippling anxiety and depression and you sent me into a depressive state of self-loathing that made it impossible to do my job right for the rest of the day. Thank you, have a nice day. I’m sorry you think I’m a ‘fucking moronic bitch’ that ‘needs to be fired’ and that you’ll be ‘reporting me to the ‘district manager.’

It against our policy to do change unless there’s a cash transaction. I would get fired if I didn’t follow it but people don’t seem to understand that policies aren’t made by the people right in front of them.