fine, i hope i'm a little taboo

john logan was your boyfriend for just about two years. you met on the first day of freshman orientation. he was charming, and had this smile that seemed to trap you in it. the entire time, the both of you stuck to the back of the group and just talked. he told you about hockey, and you talked about the books you were reading. both being things that neither of you were interested in, but you listened so intently as the other spoke and hung onto every word.

giving him your phone number was easy, and going on your first date was even easier.

the date was just in the dining hall, but it was the kind of date that never really ended. the two of you became inseparable, and quickly all that anyone knew was the two of you together. so much to the point that you had integrated completely into one another's lives, having all the same friends and community.

everything was perfect. a real dream come true, and for the first time you discovered what love was.

everything was perfect until it wasn't.

things didn't just implode one day. rather, they slowly began to crumble. this solid, reliable thing of yours began to break apart and slip slowly through your fingers. it was strange, watching it fall apart. living through the endless arguments and the bone deep exhaustion that came with it. there were ups and downs. moments where it got better, and you had hope for tomorrow only for it get even worse the next day.

you don't know who initiated the break up. it could have been him or it could have been you. honestly, the fight that night was so heavy that you had blocked most of it out. had left your body in a way, and didn't come to until he had stormed out of your room. until you were left, crying and watching as everything fell from your grasp.

that was four months ago, and you haven't spoken to him sense.

despite the end of your relationship, your friend group stayed loyal to the both of you. which may sound difficult to navigate, and it was. especially john was roommates with three of them. everyone acted as if they were delicately dancing around an open flame, watching as it ebbed and flowed; always worried that it would consume them whole.

yet, they still tried. you still frequented the same parties, even when you felt your heart shatter a little more each time you saw his smile from across the room. you still went to off campus hockey house from time to time, even if you would feel light headed when the house smelled exactly like him. you still went to hockey games, even though it tore the crevice in your chest open wider and wider each time that you spotted him on the ice.

you still tried to remain normal, even if it was hard.

even if he seemed incapable of doing so.

✿　.　˚　. 　 ˚　✿. john ✿　.　˚　. 　 ˚　✿.

john sits back on the couch, the beer in his hand being lifted to his lips as he focuses in on the conversation at hand. a conversation that was being primarily led by beau, but that wasn't that abnormal as beau had always been quite the talker. he is telling some story about a football party, and john is only half focuses when beau goes, "and then," and your name drops from his mouth.

the room goes still then. all the laughter that had been filling it seemed to drain immediately, but beau doesn't notice right away. rather he keeps talking about the karaoke song you had sang at the party and how badly it had gone. that doesn't stop the way that john finds himself at the center of everyone else's attention, for all their eyes were suddenly glued to him.

dean had lightly punched beau's leg to make him realize what he had said, and suddenly his voice drops off as well. the entire room goes silent. the kind of silence that seems to reverberate throughout the room, bouncing off the walls and ringing heavy in his ears.

john moves then, and someone else sucks in a deep breathe. a breathe that they then hold in as if they were worried that breathing would set him off. that it would shake his fragile composure. the very fact that they thought he was fragile seemed to make it all worse.

he wasn't fragile.

yet, he can't help but admit to himself that the sound of your name had set him on edge. that it caused his heartbeat to rapidly hit against the wall of his chest, and his stomach to plummet down to the floor.

"i forgot," he states then, "i have a midterm to study for." as he moves to get off the couch, every seems straighten. their eyes don't seem to fall off him until he is hidden behind the door of his bedroom. yet, that feeling of their eyes seems to linger on him. it seems to bury itself deep under his skin and he can't shake it.

there was a level of control that he didn't seem to have over himself. he couldn't shake this feeling, but it wasn't the first feeling that he couldn't get rid of. when it come to you, it was as if all bets were off. it was impossible to have control over his responses to your name being mentioned, or the way that his chest felt like an empty cavern.

he hated it.

he hated not having control. he hated how everyone looked at him, hated how they avoided certain conversations. he hated how everyone treated him like this fragile thing prone to breaking.

he hated all of it.

though, more importantly than all of that, he seemed to hate himself, and that was a feeling that he didn't think he would ever be able shake.

✿　.　˚　. 　 ˚　✿. you ✿　.　˚　. 　 ˚　✿.

"dean?," your voice rings out as you open the door to the hockey house and make your way inside. it takes no time to spot him sitting on the couch, playing some hockey video game with tuck. the very sight of it causes your eyes to roll lightly before you slip your shoes off in the entry way. "i'm going to go grab my ethic notes out of your room," you state, a slight irritation in your tone as you mutter, "no need to get up."

as you make your way to the staircase, a panic seems to set over dean and you can hear the game pause before his calls out your name. there is a moment where you consider stopping to listen to him, but you are already right next to the stairs, and you had witness enough of dean's insanity to ever be bothered by whatever he may be hiding in his room. even still, he keeps going, "uh, no, wait, i can--"

the room goes quiet, and you are not sure if it was that dean had simply stopped speaking or if you stopped listening. for the sound of dean's voice was replaced by a loud, overwhelming roaring in your ears as your watch john casually walk out of his room, hands tugging at his hoody as he finishes pulling it over his body.

he doesn't see you at first, too focused on making sure his shirt was on right. however, as soon as he does see you, his eyebrows crease and there is a visible muscle that tenses in his jaw. then, his hand flexes by his side, and your eyes flicker to it for a moment before looking back up at his face.

"johnny?," a woman's voice breaks through the roaring in your ears, and your eyebrows immediately shoot up at the sound. out of his room comes a thin, smiley girl. you are quick to notice the way that her hair is the same shade as yours, and her eyes seem to crinkle the same way that yours do when she smiles. odd. "can we go to that mexican place on 5th instead of going to malones?," she continues.

it takes her a moment before she notices that you were standing there on the stairs, looking up at john. "oh, hi," she says, her words coming out brightly as she speaks, but there is a hint of confusion in her tone. "i'm--"

"emma, right?," you asks, eyes never leaving john's as you speak to her.

the girl furrows her brows for a moment before saying, "oh, uh, no?" her eyes then flicker between the two of you before she takes another step closer to john, hand seeming to rest on his arm, "i'm liv, actually."

your head snaps then, looking to dean as you say, "didn't you tell me the girl at the delta phi party was named emma?"

dean laughs awkwardly before saying, "she was."

it dawns on you then, and you can't help the dry, short laugh that escapes you then as you turn to look back at john. for all of this, he seems to remain expressionless, and his eyes had never left you. even as the girl squeezes his arm and tries to get his attention, his eyes stay so focused on you looking down at you.

"right," you state then with an eye roll, and your mouth opens to say something snarky and mean, but john's voice breaks through as he states your name in a rough, grizzly tone.

the room is still then, and everything seems to stop. your eyes are focused on his with such an intensity that it you swear he could feel your emotions. to his credit, though, he never looks away. the two of you seemed lock in some battle of wills, wondering who would falter first.

it's that girl, liz or whatever, that seems to be the one who loses the battle as her voice breaks through the silence soft and low, "oh."

there is a sharp exhale that escapes you then before you state, "oh," in return. his hand flexes again, and there is a hopeful part of you that thinks it may be because he wanted to reach out to you in the way that he used to. a hand on your arm, thumb rubbing circles against it as he comforted you.

except, that was then and this was no. the flex was probably just that, a flex and likely one out of annoyance.

"well," you state sharply, "not emma, if you don't mind, i would really like to move past you," you explain as you take another step up the stairs. the girl seems frantically afraid then, body moving out of the way to make a path for you. your eyes look between her and john then before they roll back and you push your way past him.

as you make your way to dean's room, you don't look back at the scene that you left. you figured it was something akin to a car crash, and you didn't want to see the fall out.

everyone stands in silence, the cold air blowing against your skin reminding you that you are there and this was real. you had hoped that it was a dream. that it was some nightmare fueled by the anxiety of knowing that you had to tell garrett soon. that has to be what this is, because there is no way this is real. no way that garrett found out this way.

the wind shifts, and it bites at your cheek and it causes you to wince slightly at the feel of it. garrett's eyes seemed to have shifted towards you, and he clocked the way your face scrunched in the wince. it causes his eyebrows to crease for a moment, and something moody to flicker across his eyes. as if he worried that the wince was because of him and not the way that the cold, winter air had bit so aggressively at your cheek.

the motion of the wince that crossed your face seemed to set something off on him, because he is quick then to turn on his heels and stomp off to the team bus. it had only been seconds ago that he had accused john of dating you, and now he was leaving?

"garrett," you try to shout after him, but your voice seems to betray you. seems to falter at the end and fall off, causing you to sound more pathetic than anything else.

a hand reaches out for yours, and grips tightly pulling your attention to john. he has this look on his face that makes it seem like he is trying to be sympathetic towards your pain, but really all you can see is his. there is a hurt and guilt that seems to hide right behind his eyes then, and you realize something that you never considered before.

you knew garrett would be angry when he found out. you knew he would feel betrayed. however, you also knew that you would never lose him. that he was your brother, and there was no risk of that going away.

john didn't have that security. garrett loved him john like a brother, but they weren't brothers. they were best friends and teammates, but there was no blood bond that kept them tied to one another forever.

so, for john, there was a risk when he jumped into this thing with you. a risk that he was, unfortunately, becoming very aware of.

"the bus is leaving soon," he states with a forced, sad sort of smile, "i'd ask you to walk me over there, but i don't think that's a good idea." he is right, and you know it. it's better to limit the amount that garrett see's you together in order to give him some time to calm down. "i'll see you tomorrow?"

your eyebrows knit together as you look up at him, "yeah.. yeah, i'll see you then."

he doesn't kiss you, almost as if he forgot how. rather his hand just squeezes yours once before he drops it and your hand is left there to hang alone by your side. you don't question it, or beg for something that you don't think he is able to give right now.

even if you know he doesn't mean it to hurt you. doesn't mean to leave you with the weird, dull ache in your chest or this uncertainty bubbling your stomach; you can't help but feel it regardless. both feelings that you decide you are deserving of, as you were the one who got the both of you in this situation.

if you didn't have this crush on him, and you didn't set this whole thing in motion with some stupid, accidental almost confession, then none of this would be happening. garrett wouldn't be angry, and john wouldn't be risking the best friend that he had ever had.

you stupid, stupid girl.

✿　.　˚　. 　 ˚　✿.

the ride back to the airbnb was mostly silent. at some point hannah had tried to say something about how garrett would get over it, but you don't really hear her. your mind was so preoccupied with everything else. it was wandering to the look on garrett's face, the tone of his voice, and the way he had just walked away. then there was the look on john's face, the way he squeezed your hand but wouldn't kiss you.

and it just kept spiralling from there. scenario's and outcomes playing over and over in your head. you rerun what happened, thinking of all the things you should have said. you think about all the things you could do now. you could call him and explain. tell him that you love john, and that this was something you were so serious about. you could beg and cry until he understands.

you don't know if it would work, but maybe it's worth the try.

though, the idea of calling him only seems to make your anxiety feel worse.

your mind is reeling over all the options, over the way that your anxiety seems to worsen at the idea of hearing garrett's voice, when the car comes to a stop and idles in front of the airbnb. you don't notice it at first, but then allie's saying your name and giving you this pitying look that snaps you out of it enough to make your way out of the backseat of the car and into the airbnb.

they mention wine, but you don't hear them. rather, you just go directly to your room and shut the door behind you blocking them out.

you wonder if they will knock.

they seem to know better than to do so.

there is a breath that you had been holding in since the moment garrett spoke for the first time; and now that you were behind the door of your bedroom, you were able to release it. you exhale, heavy and sharp as your back leans against the door and your eyes flutter shut.

this could not be happening.

both of your hands run over your face as you breathe out another heavy, sharp breath. it seemed to ground you in a way, tether you back to the real world enough that you were able to find your way to the suitcase that you had yet to unpack and pull out the practice jersey that you had brought to sleep in (it seemed like a good replacement since your boyfriend would be stuck in a hotel across town).

you change into the jersey before making your way over the bed. rather than laying down, you sit down and bring your knees up to your chest. your arms wrap around your legs as your head lays down on your knees and you exhale again, sharp and heavy. it doesn't have the same grounding effect, but you figured it was worth a shot.

time seems to go by in a vortex that existed outside of you, for you don't know how many minutes or hours had passed with you sitting there. with your head resting on your knees and your mind constantly replaying what had happened earlier that evening.

the only thing that seems to bring you back to this present moment was the feeling of your phone buzzing next to you. there is a moment where you consider letting it go to voicemail, but when your eyes flicker down to see the familiar "baby" with a heart next to it, it becomes easy to pick it up and answer.

"hi," the word comes out soft and quiet, and your hand grips the phone a bit tighter than normal.

"hi baby," john's voice comes across the other end, and the words seem to bring a comfort to you that you didn't know you needed. a sense of relief that washes over you, and for a moment things don't feel as bad anymore.

it only lasts a moment before your eyebrows are knit together again and you ask, "have you talked to him?"

on the other end of the phone a sigh seems to escape him, and you already know what his answer is going to be, "no." the answer doesn't shock you. even if you wished that garrett would talk to him or you or anyone.

"oh," you say then as you rub against your left eye feeling a headache beginning to pulse against it, "well, i guess silence is better than him punching you?"

"i'd rather he punch me."

"oh..." your voice trails off, and there is a silence that follows it. a silence that feels so consuming and you wonder if it will swallow you whole.

his voice breaks through, pulling you out from the grasp of the dark, cold silence,"i didn't call to talk about him." the way it says it makes it easy for you to imagine the look on his face. as if you could see the way his eyes would be clouded or how his eyebrows might have a crease in them.

"so why did you call?"

there is a beat of silence before he says, "i couldn't sleep and i wanted to hear your voice."

a familiar warmth spreads throughout your chest then. one that blossoms from the center of your heart and works it way throughout the rest of your body. "i could tell you about the puzzle i had to abandon to come to this silly little tournament, if you want," a joke to hopefully break the tension.

it seems to work as a laugh comes across the line and you find it ringing throughout your body. that melodic, beautiful laugh. the one that you would always claim to be your favorite song. "silly little tournament?"

"that's what i said," you state then, a smile on your lips as you do, "it interrupted my very important puzzle."

"i'm so sorry that watching your boyfriend dominate a championship game got in the way of that very important puzzle," he states, the laughter still hanging onto his words.

"apology accepted," you state smugly, "so do you want to hear about it?"

"you know i do, gorgeous."

✿　.　˚　. 　 ˚　✿.

the next two days of the tournament are both a success, and complete and utter hell.

the hawks win the championship, which was to be expected. however, that seems to be the only win that was lined up for you and john. garrett refused to speak to either of you, even when you both tried. honestly, he barely spoke to anyone outside of hannah (who had to convince him that she had literally found out the same day that he had). it was, all in all, extremely shitty.

though, no one could blame him.

when each of you put yourself in his shoes, you each came out with the same conclusion that you would be equally as pissed. for it wasn't just the fact that you and john were dating which went against the whole "no one on the starting line dates my sister" thing. it was also the fact that you both had been hiding it for months from him. that you had made excuses, lied, and skirted around the truth in order to keep it from him.

which then extended to the rest of your friends. that even though neither of you explicitly told any of them, they all became aware of it at one point or another. meaning that they all also kept it from him. they also helped with the excuses and the lies.

meaning you all had pulled the wool over his eyes and kept him in the dark. which was, to be quite frank, a very shitty way to treat your friend.

so everyone understood the silence. they got why he was pissed, and they didn't want to press him on it. hindsight is 20/20 and you all admit it probably would have been easier to tell him than to go through with all of this.

though, and you will never tell any of them this, you aren't sure that you would do it differently. there was a reason that you kept this to yourself. a reason that you let it blossom without telling him. for there was this fear at the time that none of this would have happened if he knew. that the love you shared with logan would have never come to be for garrett would have intervened. even if he didn't do it intentionally, he still would have done it.

so if you had to keep it a secret and experience this hard patch with garrett just to have this relationship with john? then, yeah, you would do it a thousand times over again.

this knowledge doesn't make it easier though. not when everything feels so fractured. garrett was your brother, but he was also your best friend. it felt odd to not even text him once during those two days. to not have him smile at you from the ice or pester you about how you didn't congratulate him.

it was weird, and you never did well with weird.

when you all make it back to briar after the frozen four, garrett finds himself spending the next two days at hannah's dorm instead of the hockey house. a fact that you only know given that you had made a point to frequent the house during those days just to try to talk to him.

it's the third day when you are sitting on the couch with john that garrett walks through the front door. his eyes find you immediately and they are quick to catch on to the way that your legs are flung over one of john's and he has one hand placed on your thigh, and the other is intertwined with one of yours as you watch some weird action movie on the tv.

you don't notice garrett at first. not when you are too busy arguing with john about how that fight scene was stupid and done super poorly. though when john's eyes shift towards the entryway, yours are quick to follow. when they land on your brother, you half expect john to drop your hand or push your legs off of him. rather, his grip seems to tighten as if he was giving some sort of confirmation that he wasn't going anywhere.

"get up, we're going for lunch," garrett says as his eyes focus just on you. his hands are shoved in his pockets, and his spine seems straighter than normal. which makes him seem taller, and more mature in a way. though, you wonder if he actually was either of those things, or if you just felt small and stupidly immature in compariosn.

either way, there is a crease that forms in your eyebrow as your eyes shift from garrett to john and then back again. "now?," you ask, uncertainty weaving into your words.

"yes, now," he asserts and then his eyes move over to john as if he had just remembered that he was there, "just you though."

you turn your head to john then, but he isn't looking at you. rather, he seems so focused on garrett. there is this cloud that seemed to be covering his face. something mixed between guilt and hurt again, and you wish that you could read him. wish that you could make sense of the way he was feeling.

when he turns to you, it's like your heart stops for a minute. there is a shift on his face when his eyes meet yours, as if he was trying to mask whatever it was that he was feeling before in order to focus on what you were feeling now. it seemed that the only thing that really mattered to him was you and what you were feeling.

it was strange to feel like someone's priority. to feel as if your feelings mattered more than anyone else's in the room. however, you didn't want this to deter you from that look that was on his face earlier, and you make a promise to yourself that you would revisit that cloud that seemed to loom over him.

that when all of this was said and done, you would come back and make sure that he felt seen. that his feelings were acknowledged, and that they weren't pushed to the sideline. especially when there is something inside of you that says that he, much like you, may be used to having it that way.

you'll have to tell him that he is safe with you. that his feelings matter just as much as yours.

his hand squeezes yours then, and it brings you back to this moment. the tightness of his grip on yours mixed with his reassuring smile settles something in you, telling you that maybe this will all be okay.

it's as if he knew that you needed that. knew that your mind was everywhere but here, and that your anxiety kept bubbling up more and more in your chest with each moment that passes you by.

it is then when you clock the way he hesitates, and your eyebrows crease together. it was if he was trying to decide if what he was going to do next was allowed or not. if it was worth irritating garrett even further.

after a split second it appears that one part of him seems to have won as he is leaning forward and kissing you softly. there is no heat behind it, but rather something delicate and gentle. something that makes the butterflies in your stomach start fluttering and your heart skip a beat.

garrett clears his throat, and the sound cuts through the room like a knife causing john to pull away. "can we go now?," garrett asks, irritation edging at the side of his tone. john offers a smile before motioning with his head in garrett's direction as if to say 'go'.

for the record, garrett graham is not stupid. rather, he is just a person who thought he could trust the people around him. especially, his best friend and sister. to the point that he never believed that he needed to read into the things that were being told to him. not when the lies that were said, and the behavior being displayed wasn't really all that abnormal.

logan loaned you his hoody, that made sense. you had borrowed clothes from all the guys before. he kept giving you rides which also made sense, because sometimes you didn't want to endure the "third wheel" in the jeep. logan would a little close to you on the couch, his hand slung over the back of it and his hand would graze your shoulder? yeah, that also made sense, because it had been happening for years.

tucker let you use his room after a night of partying? you had a boyfriend that you didn't want to tell garrett about? check and check, both made sense.

admittedly, logan having a girlfriend that he didn't want to share was a bit odd, but garrett figured that they were both grown ass men and logan will share when he was ready.

it all made sense.

until it didn't.

until garrett really sat back and looked at the facts. garrett really liked facts, it's why he was a history major. he was good with facts. and the fact in front of him now was that he just saw, with his own two eyes, logan, who is his best friend, flirt with you, his younger sister, from the ice.

the first time that it happens, garrett convinces himself that it isn't real. however when it keeps happening, it becomes harder to deny. suddenly all the excuses that the two of you had said over the past couple of months come rushing to the forefront of his mind, and garrett begins to dissect them. begins to slice it apart enough that he can definitely determine that it's all been lies.

so, he doesn't talk to logan in the locker room. simply for the fact that garrett worries he might actually punch him if he does. logan doesn't question it, none of them do. they just chalk it up to him being to focused in on the game, which is what they wanted. they did come here to win after all.

which, they do. they do win, and garrett should be reveling in it. he should be walking out of the arena and straight to his girlfriend. yet, he doesn't. rather, he pushes past her even when she tries to stop him, eyes frantic as he looks around the parking lot. then dean and tucker catch up to him trying to direct him to the bus, but that doesn't work either.

no, none of it does. none of it can stop garrett graham when he is deadset on a mission.

it doesn't take him long to find the two of you, and he is halting dead in his track. the grip that he has on his hockey bag tightens as he watches logan, his best friend, kissing you, his sister.

the world around him seems to blur at the edges of his vision, and there is an anger that begins to boil in his chest. garrett is not unaware to the fact that the rest of his friends are all standing behind him. he can feel their eyes set on him, which is strange given the scene that was being played out before him.

it is then when realizes that they all knew. they all fucking knew, and he was left in the dark like some fucking idiot.

"you have got to be fucking kidding me." the words come out without much thought. the first things to fall from his lips, but they work. they pull the both of you out from the kiss, and you can't help but notice the way that your brothers eyes fall to you first. how there is something behind them that seems to more than just anger as he looks at you.

the sun light filters through the curtains enough that the light causes you to stir out of the comfortable, warm sleep that you had found yourself in. there is a warm, bare chest that is pressed against your own and it solicits an soft, sleepy smile to take over your face. john's arm is wrapped lazily around your waist as he sleeps soundly next to you. you are careful to move as you stretch your body out slightly, and reach up to rub the sleep out of your eyes.

for a moment, when your eyes first open, all you see is him. see the way the sun that had filtered in seems to highlight the tan of his skin and bask him in a glow that almost made him look heavenly. it's mesmerizing, really.

then, a door slams shut and your attention is snapped from his body. suddenly you become aware of your surroundings. of the way that the room smells, and how the comfort that is pulled over doesn't look like your own. your eyes shift around the room, but it doesn't take much time before you realize that you are definitely not in your room.

no, you are in john logan's bedroom.

which would be fine, if you weren't in this secret relationship that was intentionally being hidden from your brother. your brother who very much so lives in this very house.

you remember how you got here. the of course, i love you that had fallen from his lips on the front lawn. how the two of you snuck off to his room when no one was looking. you going up the stairs first, and him following minutes later. how you planned to leave before the night ended and go back to your own dorm.

except, clearly, that last part didn't happen. no, it seems that the two of you had fallen asleep here. that you were so caught up talking and laughing, that you didn't realize how tired you had been. didn't notice the way that sleep had stolen you both away, completely throwing any plan that you had out the window.

which, again, would be fine if it weren't for the fact that you could clearly hear that people were home.

a panic rises in your chest, one that is telling you that garrett had to know. what if he walked in when you were both asleep? what if he saw you or hear you?

you immediately reach for your phone and check to see that you had no notifications. there is a momentary calm that washes over you before you realize that you are not the only person that he could text. that he could have just skipped over you entirely and went straight to john.

the panic rises up again.

suddenly, you don't care about whether or not you wake him as you jolt out of bed and begin to stretch your body over his. the movement seems to wake him slightly as his hand reaches up and rests against your side and a rough mumbled version of "good morning," escapes him.

he then tries to pull you closer, and you let out a hefty sigh as your body begins to fall against his, "hold on," you say, a hand pressing against his chest, "and give me your phone."

his eyes open then as his head tilts to the side and he looks at you with a deep confusion. you stare back at him, as you wait for him to process your request. except he is taking longer than you would prefer so you assert, "your phone?"

"yeah, i got that part," he replies, his hand beginning to stretch to his side table to grab it as he continues, "doesn't make it make anymore sense." he then hands his phone over to you, and you immediately open it and look at the notifications on his wall.

"your mom calls you johnny?," you ask, distracted from your original task when you read the text on his lockscreen.

"yes?," he replies, his face still clouded with confusion, "is that why you wanted my phone?" his eyes shift from yours to the phone that was in your hand and then back again. "do you need me to unlock it?"

"yes, actually," you reply as you hold the phone out to him, still not answering any of questions as to why you needed it. he grabs the phone from your hand and quickly unlocks it before handing it back. you navigate to his texts and see that there is nothing from garrett, and relief washes over you again.

"thank god," you let out as you fall back against the bed and let his phone fall onto his chest.

"that was weird," he states then, body turning so that he can look at you, "you know that was weird, right?"

your head snaps to look at him, the relief seemingly short lived, "do you see where we are?" the words come out short, and a bit snarky as they leave your lips.

"in my--," then his words fall off and the panic that was settled in you seemed to extend itself to him, "shit."

a hand scrubs runs through your hair then, and you let out a gentle sigh before you say, "as of right now, neither of us have seething, angry texts from garrett," you state, and the realization seems to dawn on him then. "however, that still begs the question of how i will be getting out of here without him knowing, because i'm pretty positive i just heard his loud ass laugh downstairs."

it takes john a minute to figure out a plan, and you decide that you should probably go easy on him given that he had just woken up. that he was trying his best with the limited mental capacity that he had this morning. either way, he ultimately decides that he would go down first, create a diversion, and then you would sneak out the front door. it wasn't the best plan, but it was also the only plan that either of you had.

you are quick to get dressed, panic pushing you both to move faster than you normally would. once you are both dressed, he gives you a quick kiss before making his way downstairs and immediately capturing the boys in some weird conversation about a dream he was claiming to have had.

honestly, you don't entirely know what it was about, and you never planned on asking.

you give it a few minutes before you slowly make your way out of his bedroom and quietly close the door behind you. there is another moment where you stand there, before slowly and quietly starting to make your way down the stairs.

you are off the stairs and you swear that you are in the clear.

except then you hear your name being said by a familiar, grating voice: garrett.

"what are you doing?," he asks then, eyebrows creasing as he looks at you, "and why were you upstairs?"

you still then, body freezing completely in a panic. your eyes shift from garrett to john who looks easily as panicked as you do. you are so caught up in trying to mentally communicate with him and beg for his help that you don't see the way that tucker looks at the both of you. how his eyes shift between you before a sigh escapes him and his eyes roll, "she stayed in my room," tucker says then.

garrett snaps to look at with this glare that seems to perfectly communicate the way he wants to say "what the fuck". tucker sighs again before saying, "she had drank a lot, and was falling asleep on the couch. i couldn't find you, and i didn't feel comfortable sending her alone in a cab like that, so i let her sleep in my room."

garrett's eyes form slits then, "where did you sleep?"

"on logan's floor," tucker says almost automatically, a shrug being added for effect.

"oh!," dean all but exclaims, "so allie wasn't hallucinating when she told me that she saw you coming out of logan's room this morning."

garrett seems to accept the lies as the truth, and turns his attention back to the bowl of cereal that he was eating. your eyes then shift to tucker, then dean, and finally land on allie. it dawns on you then that your secret wasn't really much of a secret at all.

✿　.　˚　. 　 ˚　✿.

after narrowly escaping being caught by garrett, he then insisted on taking you back to your dorm. you didn't really have a reason to not let him especially when he was already taking hannah back to campus. what you weren't expecting is that he would abruptly tell you that he was going to take you out for lunch after you had changed and made yourself look more presentable.

you had just finished getting dressed and was working on doing your makeup when he decided that he no longer wanted to wait for you. garrett made his way into your bedroom, and he is just about to say something to you when his eyes land on the men's hoody that was laid across the back of your computer chair, "is that logan's?"

your heart leaps into your throat, and your head snaps to look at him, "no."

garrett stares at it again for another moment before shrugging and adding, "it looks like one he has." which made sense given that it definitely was john's hoody. "are you ready yet? i'm starving."

✿　.　˚　. 　 ˚　✿.

the both of you are sat across from one another at one of your favorite restaurants. it doesn't dawn on you to flip your phone face down until a text pops up and garrett's eyes drift towards the screen. he finishes chewing then before announcing, "you have a boyfriend."

your eyes go a little bit wide and bewildered as you look at him, "what?" you ask, trying to keep your voice even. though you find that it betrays you a bit towards the end and tilts up in a way that makes you sound extremely guilty.

"you have a boyfriend," he states again, his spine straightening a bit as he looks at you. "the name on your phone says "baby" with a heart," he explains nodding towards your phone, "and you had a men's hoody in your room." the explanations are laid out before, garrett always a fan of facts. "i'm not stupid, you know," he says then, eyebrow raising as he looks at you.

"wow," you say, fake shock in your tone, "you caught me. i have a love life, how dare i."

he laughs then, and his eyes roll back before he pops another fry in his mouth. "when do i meet him?," he asks, still chewing on the fry as he speaks.

you sigh heavily then before stating, "it's still new and fragile, and i won't have it ruined by you threatening him or whatever it is that you try to do when you talk to the boys i date." garrett, always your protector. there was never a boyfriend that you had that went by without some one on one conversation with him where he says something that definitely scares them.

another laugh, and another fry in his mouth, "fine, whatever." then there is a beat of silence that passes between you before he adds, "i'm glad that you are seeing someone though," your eyebrow raises as he says it, because it's an awfully weird thing for him to say, "maybe now you will finally get over that stupid crush you have on logan."

your body stills at the mention of his name. the fry that was held delicately in your fingers fell almost immediately, and you can feel your face go white. after a moment, you clear your throat before weakly saying, "what?"

his eyes shift from his lunch up to you, "did you miss the part where i said i wasn't stupid?" his eyes roll then and he shoves another fry into his mouth. "i wasn't going to say anything, but now i think he has a girlfriend and i didn't want you to get sad or whatever."

if you weren't pale before, you definitely were no. your hands fall nervously to your lap, and you can feel the sweat as forming on your palms then. "what makes you think that?," you asks, forcing your voice to stay even and easy as you do.

"he is barely home anymore," he starts, explaining as if it just made sense, "and he is always smiling at his phone. plus, wellsy told me that she has caught him pointing to someone in the crowd." that someone being you, but surely garrett would have pointed that out by now if he knew. "so, he has a girlfriend-- or, at least he is seeing someone. he hasn't told any of us yet for whatever reason, but that's his thing so i haven't bothered him about it."

there is a beat of silence, "right," you say then before picking up another fry, "how odd."

garrett shrugs, as if it wasn't something that bothered him that much, and moved on, "has dad texted you?"

"he never texts me."

"right," he says then, "well he asked me if we could all get lunch while we were in philly for the frozen four."

"who said i'm going to the frozen four?," you ask then, your voice lifting to something light and teasing. however, he doesn't seem to take as a joke as he stops staring at his food and looks up at you.

"i said you were going," he states, "i already paid for your portion of the airbnb that you are sharing with wellsy and allie."

"what if i'm busy?"

he laughs, and his eyes roll, "you're not busy." your eyebrow quirks at him, and a look of offense quickly overtakes your expression. "you don't have a life, and i know all your friends," then a pause, "i guess expect for your boyfriend, but i'm sure he will understand."

you pause then, the panic simmering in your chest as you realize that he definitely doesn't know. garrett didn't have the temper to fake it for this long, and he would have let you know by now that he knew about john. "right," you state with annoyance in your tone, "so what did you tell dad?"

"to fuck off, obviously."

✿　.　˚　. 　 ˚　✿.

life got too hectic leading up to the frozen four that you barely had time to talk to john about the conversation you had with garrett. however, after texting him a very frantic 911 text, he found the time to see you one late thursday night. there you both hashed out a realistic plan to finally tell garrett about your relationship after the frozen four was over. it was agreed that it was best to do it after the championship game, but before he began to pester you both about the partners that garrett had decided you were hiding.

it made going into the three day tournament feel very uneasy, however you tried your best to ignore that feeling in your chest. the one that was waiting for the other shoe to drop. however, hannah and allie both tried to make the roudtrip to philly fun and it almost made you forget about the feeling in your chest.

the party only seemed to continue to the airbnb where you all shared wine and did makeovers before heading to the first game of the tournament.

once in the stadium, that feeling in your chest seeming to ease as you latched onto the excitement of the fans in the stadium. the three of you found your seats and eagerly awaited for the boys to hit the ice. once they did, and your eyes landed on john's, you felt an warmth spread across your chest.

one that only blossoms even more when he spots you in the stadium and very pointedly makes it known that he sees you. a smile growing on your face as soon as you see the gesture, and know that he will noticing you all night.

"oh. my. god," hannah states then, her face turned to you and her mouth agape, "you are the secret girlfriend." you can feel your heart drop then, and your eyes frantically look to allie who was standing on the other side of hannah, "and you knew?", she asks in exasperation. "we are so talking about this when we get back to the airbnb. i am getting all of the details."

then a sheepish, almost pained smile crosses your face, "um, hannah, i don't--"

"don't even," she states then, "you will be getting a very big glass of wine and giving me everything." then she pauses, and a look passes over her face as if it suddenly clicks, "oh," she states then and a soft laugh escapes her, "don't worry about me telling garrett. i refuse to be collateral damage of the inevitable melt down that he has when he finds out."

✿　.　˚　. 　 ˚　✿.

the hawks had won, which wasn't all that shocking. you had already placed your bets on them winning the whole thing. though, that wasn't something you shared with any of the boys, as you didn't want to jinx them and suddenly be blamed for their failure if they do lose.

you, hannah, and allie made your way out of the arena and were lingering around the exit waiting for the team to come out and greet you before they headed back to their hotel for the night.

there is a warmth that blossoms in your chest as you see that john is the first to exit the building. hannah, squeezes your arm then and says, "i'll distract garrett so you two can have a moment." you offer her a bright, thankful smile before john makes his way over to you.

the two of you walk off to a more isolated part of the parking lot, but you don't double check your surroundings before leaping into his arms. his hockey bag falls to the ground next to him as he wraps his arms around your waist and lifts you up off the ground.

you are so swept up in the moment that you don't notice how garrett was among some of the next players to leave the stadium. how he seemed to be on a mission as his eyes look anywhere but hannah the moment that the fresh air hits his face.

just as how you didn't notice how he kept looking up at you during the game, eyebrows knit together as his eyes shifted between you and john.

john sets you down then, and his eyes are completely focused on you. they bore into your own and you find yourself swimming in them for a moment. both of you too distracted to know that garrett had pushed past hannah, allie, dean, and tucker. all four of them trying to keep him distracted. all of them trying to save you.

you are, as previously stated, so completely unaware. perhaps if you were, you wouldn't have wrapped your hands around his neck. your fingers wouldn't have twisted in his hair and you wouldn't have let him pull you closer.

if you had known, you wouldn't have let your lips collide with his. you wouldn't have kissed him soft and sweet.

yet, you didn't know. you didn't know and so you let yourself get so completely lost in the moment. lost in the way he smelled, and the kiss that completely swept you off your feet.

"you have got to be fucking kidding me."

it is then when everything snaps back to reality. when your world comes crashing down and everything seems to go still. john is pulling away, and you are both turning in slow motion to face the group of people that were staring at you.

more importantly, however, at garrett and how angry he looks as he says, "you're dating my fucking sister?"