who said that

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The Transition Diary of Jane Miller, 23

November 24th, 2036

I finally had “the talk” with Andie today. I’ve been putting it off for over a month, and honestly it was still really scary, but it went really well. Of course it did. She’s Andie. She was so accepting and sweet about it, I really don’t know what I did to deserve her. She was a little sad, a little nervous, but she wants to go for it. She said she really wanted to support me living my dreams, but I could tell she was a little excited under that too. We’ve played with the idea a lot, and we’ve rented girls like that before, so I know how much she loves them, but this is taking it to a whole new level.

We’re gonna go slow, and in a few phases. I mean, I’m ready to go all the way right now, but she wants to make sure I’m ready at every step, and I don’t wanna worry her. We’re gonna start with the social transition, saying goodbye to friends and family, tying up as many loose ends with my life as we can, before moving on to the actual legal stuff, let alone the surgeries. We still have to work out the details, but the whole process should take about a year. Christmas is coming up next month, I think we’ll make the big announcement then.

Honestly, I’m so excited, and so nervous, I don’t know how I’m gonna sleep tonight.

December 21st, 2036

I told my family today. It was… a mixed bag. My parents didn’t take it well, started going on and on about how they were losing their daughter. I don’t really know what I was expecting, they did the same thing when I came out as trans. Talked relentlessly about losing their son for a whole year. At least I’m not gonna have to deal with another Christmas with them.

My sister was very understanding though. She was sad too, but we’d talked about this for a long time, and she knows it’s what I want, more then anything. She’s always had my back. I feel a little guilty sometimes, for how often she has to be “the eldest”, and step in between me an our parents, but I know I can always trust her to support me like this. Plus, she seemed very interested in some of the… particulars of the transition. I wonder if Andie’ll loan me out to her some time. I’ve never thought of her that way, but I have to admit, the idea is a little exciting.

I realize I forgot to make an entry for it, but I told some of my friends about it before we made the trip home for the holidays. They all seemed happy for me, for the most part. One of them got Andie a tattoo gun as a Christmas present, joking about how I wouldn’t be able to resist anymore. The irony was never lost on me, that I would want to make such a permanent change to my body, but refused to get any ink.

So, it wasn’t everything I hoped for, but at least I’m out to everyone now. Again. And now the real transition can start. Andie’s really taken charge in the last month, and already has some appointments scheduled for January. With any luck, I’ll be approved just after new years!

January 12th, 2037

Writing this ‘cause I just can’t sleep.

I had my inspection last Monday, and it went great! It was honestly a bit more… invasive… then I was expecting. The put cameras in places I’d never imagined, and took a bunch of blood and tissue samples. It wasn’t cheap, they even had to do a full genome sequencing to check for genetic disorders that could cause issues later in my life. Well, “life” being a relative term.

Then, the next day, I had to spend an hour with a psychiatrist, confirming that yes, I really wanted to do this, no, I was not being pressured, yes, I was depressed, no, I was not unfit to make this decision. It dragged on forever, and was honestly so anxiety inducing. I was so worried the wrong answer would scrap the whole process and I’d have to wait a year to reapply. God, I can’t wait to finally put a stop to my anxieties.

In the end though, everything checked out, and we got the medical approval papers. Tomorrow we have an appointment at the courthouse, and I’m just so excited and so nervous. If all goes well, in uh… 14 hours, I’ll legally be Andie’s property.

I really need to get some sleep. It’s gonna be a big day.

January 13th, 2037

ohmygodohmygodohmygod it happened. It finally happened. I thought I would be cheering, or excited, or happy, but in the end it was just… a relief. I sat outside on the courthouse steps with Andie for half an hour and just sobbed into her chest. I’m not a person anymore. I’m her property.

Thank god.

She was so sweet, she took me to this cute little gelato place afterwards and we spent the rest of the day at the big park downtown. It was just such a breath of fresh air. I feel free in a way I haven’t, well, ever.

I’m writing this in the car on the way home right now, she keeps giving me these curious little glances. We’ve been pretty head over heels for each other for years now, but something’s changed in the last two months. I can see this new kinda hunger in her eyes, deeper then anything she’s shown me before. It reminds me a little of how she treats the girls toys we’ve rented for her before. I can tell she’s starting to think of me as one of them. I can tell how much it excites her.

We’ll be home in just a couple minutes. I have a feeling that our first time as owner and toy instead of girlfriend and girlfriend is gonna be… intense.

February 2nd, 2037

It took a while to get a slot, but I finally have my first surgery scheduled later this month! I know Andie’s a little more trepidatious about it, but this first one is the most important, at least to me. I’ve had so much dysphoria about these things for so long, especially after my first transition. Finally being rid of them is gonna make such a huge difference. Wish me luck!

February 27th, 2037

I wanted to write about it the night before, but I was too nervous. Then I had planned to write about it right after the surgery, but honestly, I just couldn’t. I knew the statistics, how common surgical regret was immediately after, how it usually faded, but I really wasn’t prepared. I was sobbing that first day, and horridly depressed. It felt like the biggest mistake of my life. Like I’d ruined myself. I was so scared, I didn’t know what to do. But, the hours passed, then the first days, and it got so much better.

The surgery was three days ago now, and by this point, I’m overjoyed. Still nervous, still very much getting used to the change, but confident that this was the right choice for me.

Obviously I’ve had to switch to a speech-to-text journal, it’s not exactly easy to write without arms, but I wanted to keep this thing going. I’m thinking I might switch to audio logs after this though, at least until the last surgery. After that, I don’t really know. Andie might get me an implant, but that’s up to her, I don’t wanna sway her one way or the other. I committed to being her toy, and I will be, no matter what.

Woof. Just this little bit of journaling really took it out of me. Recovering from a surgery like this is no joke. I’m gonna try and get some rest. I’ll check back in when I can.

March 18th, 2037 [Audio Log]

My doctor told Andie that my recovery is coming along really well! The grafts have taken really cleanly, and the wounds have been healing as expected. I’ve gotten to see them a few times when Andie was changing my bandages. Every time it make me hard lol.

The other day, while they were off, she helped me over to the big mirror on her closet door. I honestly wanted to cry. I just looked so beautiful. I’d imagined myself looking like that so many times, but it didn’t prepare me for just how impactful it was. They had removed some of the bone from my shoulder blades, and folded the muscle around to make it relatively soft and smooth. I looked so sleek, the way my neck tapered into my slim shoulders, how they curved gracefully down to my rib cage, no more interruptions in my form. I felt like… like it was how I was meant to look. Andie mentioned how it surprised her, how she’d never seen me smile quite that wide before.

I stood there for probably ten minutes, just taking myself in, before she led me back to our bed. Her bed. She put one hand on my chest and another on my back, and gently laid me back down in the sheets, before climbing on top, straddling my hips. I always loved the way she looked towering over me like that. She leaned down, and began to run her hands ever so gently up my sides, down my neck, and over those tender wounds. She was so careful, making sure not to aggravate them at all. It would still be a few more weeks before she could get rough again, but for now, it was everything I could ask for. Her hands on these new parts of me. From the way she smiled back, I knew how much it must’ve shown on my face.

I felt her cock stiffen between us, rubbing against my own, clumsily sliding alongside each other as she rocked back and forth, exploring my scars. It was definitely the right choice, to be her toy.

April 4th, 2037 [Audio Log]

When we started this process last year I had always assumed that the legs would be the next thing to go after the arms, but I guess it’s more complicated then that. When working out the schedule with our surgeon, she pointed out that with the arms gone, and with me not really being able to take care of myself anymore, it was important to deal with some of the more utilitarian surgeries before I lost the ability to walk.

As such, now that my shoulders are largely healed up, we’ve set the “waste management” surgeries for next Thursday. I’m… not gonna go into detail on these. These are the parts of being a toy that I didn’t really want to think about before we got started, though Andie had assured me she didn’t mind the extra chores.

The basics, at least as they were explained to us, are that the surgeons will go in through the back, to prevent scarring on the belly, and add some lab-grown organs into my digestive system. The first is a kind of bio-mechanical bladder that somehow filters and recycles water, while dumping the filtered waste products into this replaceable canister that goes in a port in my back. Don’t ask me how it works, I don’t really get it. The second part is a different replaceable canister for… um… the other waste.

Look, the upshot is, I won’t have to go to the bathroom, Andie’ll just have to replace my canisters twice a week. Nice and clean. And as a byproduct I’ll need a lot less food and water to survive. I’m trying not to think too much about why that is.

The important thing is, it’ll make me much easier for Andie to take care of. I don’t wanna just be a chore for her, I wanna be fun. A proper toy. So as long as this’ll help with that, I’m happy to do it.

The recovery on this one will be about a month, but after that we’ll finally get to move on to the legs. That one I’m excited for. This… I just wanna get this over with.

April 12th, 2037 [Audio Log]

These canisters are fucking weird.

May 11th, 2037 [Audio Log]

I’ve gotten used to these things over the last month, but honestly I still find the experience really strange. Every three days Andie makes me turn my back to her, twists this hunk of metal in my back, and pulls out two little stainless steel cylinders. It’s just kinda bizarre. I feel like a cyborg. Actually, I guess I kinda am.

Anyway, the big news today is that the surgeon approved me for my next operation! Aaaand the sad news is that their office is slammed, and it’s gonna be another month before I can actually get it done. Apparently some new online trend for femboys to get vaginoplasty has really limited the availability of plastic surgeons. It’s frustrating, but at least it’s on the calendar, so I can look forward to it.

Andie’s taken me on little day hikes three times in the past week, and it’s been really nice. I think she’s honestly glad for the extra month, and in some ways, I guess I am too. I’m really glad to be making this choice, I know it’s right for me, but I am gonna miss getting out into nature like this. Andie said she’ll still bring me along when she goes car-camping, but I know it won’t be the same. Still, I’m really enjoying this time, and I’m glad it’s helping her feel more at ease with this decision.

June 4th, 2037 [Audio Log]

It wasn’t because of the orchid it was swan that bit the duck when she made the lapping noises of the pond. But the duck wasn’t the one who at it was the berry that did itself in the double helix that formed the bond beneath. She wanted the duck to be the globe but...

June 5th, 2037 [Audio Log]

Oh they gave me the good recovery drugs this time.

The third major surgery was yesterday morning, and I was so out of it afterwards. It was apparently very long, and there were some scary complications with one of the arteries in my leg, but they were able to get it under control. I don’t understand exactly what it was, but they said my recovery may take a week or two longer then otherwise expected.

It’s honestly pretty scary to think about. I mean, I know any major surgery is a risk, but that could have killed me if they hadn’t caught it. Then again, with the way my mental health was going before this, I can’t say for certain that I would have survived not doing this. Everything is a risk. Deciding what risks are worth taking to you is one of the hardest things to do in life. But I know this is a risk worth taking for me. I made up my mind about that a long time ago.

A lot of my body is still numb, and there’s just kinda a dull pain everywhere. It was like that with my arms too, but this is different. I’m still curious to know what it’ll feel like once I can really feel again. I used to press my thighs together when I was happy. Used to rub my legs against each other when I was cold. It’s strange to think that I’ll never do that again. But more then anything, I feel excited. I can’t wait to feel her hands on my new flush hips. I mean, I’ll have to wait for a bit, but it’s gonna be amazing.

June 19th, 2037 [Audio Log]

I’ll never get over the feeling of Andie dressing my wounds. It was amazing before, but now? With no limbs to react with? To brace, or squirm, or struggle with? It’s just incredible. Every time she replaces the bandages around my hips it drives me wild. And it’s made worse by the way the tight, airy fabric both restrains and stimulates my cock. And I know she knows. I know that cruel, sadistic, loving smile of hers.

Every time she’s redressed them she lets her fingers linger on the edges, tracing the line of the bandages over my belly, around me sides, before running her hands up and over my flush shoulders. The little chuckle she gives when she see’s the white cotton caging my clit twitch beneath her touch is both so infuriating and infatuating. I can’t help but whimper, but beg for her to go further, as my newly limbless body sits there, unmoving and frustrated beneath her teasing hands.

With my lower parts inaccessible she’s begun relieving herself with my mouth a lot more. I’ve always loved giving blowjobs, feeling her cock deep in my throat, so honestly it’s been heaven for me. Obviously I’m just a toy, I don’t get a say in what hole she uses, but I hope she keeps using my throat this much even after the bandages come off. Even after I get my third hole.

I heard her tell a friend on the phone that she scheduled that surgery for next month. She still hasn’t told me directly. I think she’s really been getting into this toy mentality. God I love her so much.

July 28th, 2037 [Audio Log]

She never told me. I’ve been losing track of what day it is a lot recently, it’s hard to keep on top of that like this. My hips were fully healed as of about a week ago, so I knew it had to be coming soon. The day she leaned me up and fucked me in front of that mirror was the first day of my life that I really, truly felt like myself. The limbless toy being used by her owner, that was truly me.

Today I woke up in a large plastic tote bag. I’m not sure when she put me in there, but as I looked up out of the opening I could see the car door opening as I was dropped inside, in the back seat. She hasn’t taken me anywhere in a while. She hasn’t been speaking to me much either. Just the basics.

She still cared, I knew that much. She could’ve dropped me off at the hospital reception desk and picked me up when I was done, but she still stayed. She waited with me, saw me off into surgery, and was there again when I woke up.

It’s funny, I never really saw myself getting bottom surgery before. When I transitioned a few years ago it was never something I’d had any real dysphoria about, so I just didn’t bother. I liked being a girl with a dick, honestly. But when I decided to be a sex toy, specifically one for her, that all changed. Something inside me flipped, and I just knew that this was what I needed. Not because I didn’t enjoy having a cock, but because I desperately wanted another hole. Plus, I loved the idea of having something self-lubricating, besides my mouth, and I knew this would be the best option.

Still, it was a strange feeling, waking up without it. I didn’t really feel it much the first day, but the first time they changed the bandages, the difference was palpable. It wasn’t bad, not at all, but it wasn’t euphoric either. It was more utilitarian, like the back surgeries had been. Still, when the nurse was showing Andie how to change the bandages (which were almost identical to the hip bandages from the leg surgery), I couldn’t help feeling my cheeks go red as she inspected my new hole. I couldn’t see it, and I imagined it to be rather scarred and raw given how fresh it was, but she seemed fascinated by it, and I couldn’t help but get a little excited.

I hope she enjoys it. I really can’t wait to feel her inside me.

September 2nd, 2037 [Audio Log]

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. Um, updates… updates… well, my recovery from the surgery went pretty well, and it was uh, “functional” in under a month. They had mentioned that I would need to dilate every day for the first three months, while the artificial structural netting grew in, but that hasn’t exactly been difficult. Andie can’t seem to get enough of it.

The first time really was special. She was so gentle, so careful with the still-raw tissue inside me. The absolutely drenched her cock in lube before sliding in, but she still bottomed out on that first long, slow thrust. It was a kind of fullness I had never really imagined, and I loved it more then I could ever have known. As she sat there, still, hips pressed to mine, I felt myself clench around her for the first time, and saw her eyes go wide. After that, I could tell it was just a game of restraint. It was like watching her edge herself with my body. That hunger in her eyes, the way she so clearly wanted to just grab my sleek, flush hips and rut into me like a dog in heat, but knew she had to keep control if she wanted to maintain this new found fleshlight, at least for the next few months. I could see how maddening it was, and I couldn’t help but don a wide, bratty grin.

As soon as it’s safe to do so, I think she’s gonna make me regret that. I can’t wait.

September 19th, 2037 [Audio Log]

We had a big conversation today. It’s been nearly a year since that first one, but this is another big threshold to be crossed, and the one Andie’s been most concerned about. It’s the final go/no-go. Vocal chords.

I’ve wanted them gone this whole time, but Andie wanted them to be the last thing, so I had every chance to say no, and put a stop to this, however far along we may have been. But the time is here, and I’m ready.

We talked a lot about other procedures, things that we could maybe do in the future, and I gave my preliminary consent to a lot of things. Eye removal, facial replacement, brest augmentation, even decapitation and artificial brain implantation. That last one would kill me, obviously, so I told her I wanted to wait at least five years before doing that, if it’s what she wanted to do. She agreed, as always. She’s so kind, so careful, so patient. I love her so much.

I lay there, propped up on the couch next to her as she made the call to the surgeon. I’m scheduled for next week. She helped me record a few final messages for some friends, for my sister, before pulling me into her lap.

I’m really loving the way she can bounce me on her cock now. She grabs me by my smooth, fatty hips and just pumps me up and down again and again, staring possessively at my cunt, at my tits, refusing to make eye contact with her new favorite toy. I can feel myself becoming less and less of a person to her every day. I can only hope the loss of my voice accelerates that process.

She had a date, a few days ago. Her first since we started down this road a year ago. She didn’t tell me about it, and didn’t tell her about me. I never even saw the girl. That afternoon I watched from my spot on her bed as she showered, got dressed, did her hair and makeup in much the same way she did for our first date, as realization slowly dawned on me. I was so happy to see it. She never considered herself poly, so I knew this marked a permanent shift in our dynamic. We weren’t in a relationship anymore. I was a toy she owned.

The true show of this came as she picked me up off the mattress and lay me on the floor, telling me to keep quiet, before shoving me under the bed with her foot. I stayed there in the dark for hours as she went out, and listened to it all when she got home. I got to hear the muffled giggling and flirting from the other room, watched as their clothes crumpled to the floor beside me, and basked in the sounds of them fucking above me. I was a little sad, she wouldn’t need her toy tonight, but the feeling was far surpassed by the euphoria of feeling like a proper sex toy, shoved under the bed out of sight while my owner fucked a real girl.

Once my voice is gone, once she finally stops seeing any humanity in me, I wonder if she’ll share me. I wonder if she’ll loan me out to her friends. If one of the girls she dates will find me while reaching for a strap and wanna use me. If her next partner will wanna keep me, or ask her to throw me out. No matter what, I’m just happy to have finally found my place in this world. To finally be myself.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to update this journal again, so if not, I guess, thanks for reading. I know what I say doesn’t really matter, but if there’s other girls like me out there, other girls that wanna find love for themselves in becoming living sex toys, I hope this inspires you. Thanks for reading the journal of a sex doll <3

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Thanks for reading! Obviously this is all purely fictional, please do not actually feel inspired to do anything like this in real life.