serendipity

My favorite weather is the stillness that settles over the mountains after hours of wind and heavy snowfall that indiscriminately blankets everything in a layer of ice-cold calm. I like to walk outside then and appreciate the way the snow muffles any trace of other life, leaving only the huff of my own breathing to reach my ears. . .and when I slow my breathing enough, the world goes completely silent. Some nights, I lay for hours in the drifts of snow that mute the world and leave me privy to only my own thoughts; you’d imagine that I would eventually get tired of it, yet I find solace in the utter isolation, peace in being completely alone, but never lonely.

"I'm not used to being loved. I wouldn't know what to do."

"Please don't expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand."

"I am starved for tenderness and that is what is the matter with me and has been the matter with me for months.”

"I am a very boring and unpleasant man, drowned in literature.…But I love you."

“So this was how you died; in whispers that you did not hear.”

"Suddenly you're ripped into being alive. And life is pain, and life is suffering, and life is horror, but my god you're alive and it's spectacular.”

“I have a deeply hidden and inarticulate desire for something beyond the daily life.”

perhaps i find some perverse enjoyment in being taken advantage of; used and discarded without a second thought, because feeling wanted—albeit for only a moment—distracts me from my craving for the love that i was never meant to have