flood land

worst fear: being sober alone at night

i might get into microdosing and eating protein powder. i think it would be really funny

i wish there was something that felt appropriate to do in the short term other than just suffer as privately as possible. i can't really hope that my being... healthier, hypothetically / broadly speaking, will make up for the way i've treated the people close to me. it feels absurd to want to say, "i'm poison! but also you should incorporate me back into your daily life". the coping method that appeals the most to my fucked up sense of honor is to pretend i don't want that & to continue distancing myself from everyone. i will try to talk about something else

anyway im pretending im not panicking by just reading the nominees for the golden horse awards and the HK film awards year by year and taking note of what seems cool. i didn't realize that love massacre won an award for its sound design, it's very funny that it lost a cinematography award to that dumb comedy tsui hark did after dangerous encounters of the first kind

i really regret the way i've acted the past couple of months and i wish i had a better sense of how abnormal it was before some of the conversations i've had in the past couple of weeks + being stuck alone with my feelings for a little while helped my understand the extent to which i thoroughly firebombed all my personal relationships. i feel like i'm recognizing for the first time how like... violently depressed i was and how that translated to absurd self harm escalating into just being so numb that hurting other people seemed inevitable or unavoidable or something. i would find the most insane reasons to blame other people for why i was unhappy when most of it was just me refusing to take care of myself or advocate for myself. i wish very badly that i had been able to identify these things or talk about my feelings or ask for help sooner. i really regret some of the choices that i have made and the reality of being confronted by the consequences of those choices every day is crushing. i guess the silver lining is that i recognize this stuff now and can try to work towards being better, and also being that i've withdrawn so completely there are very few people invested in my affairs to the point where i could disappoint them, should i fail to mount a recovery so to speak

how to die without making anyone sad

i’m fine also the worst self harm i get up to is smoking a cigarette

how many people are alive today just because they didn't have a cyanide tooth

okay class how did our suicide attempts this week go

i feel like i need to do / make something so that other people will think that i have value or recognize my personhood. that's so stupid, why would i feel that way

*exhausted after explaining for 45 minutes* okay yes a kestrel is like a girl eagle

thinking about how all i could talk about this time last year was the concept of making out with someone while listening to sophie

there’s such a tiny little difference in between the writing that i enjoy reading because it involves the author pulling all kinds of things i would never imagine out of something else, like a movie or whatever, and writing that i am really uninterested in where it’s someone talking about how cool they thought a dumb movie was, and i think the difference is just whether or not i think the author is cool? does this ever develop into critical thinking or what, what have i got here?

did you guys know that daredevil is an anagram, for da red evil?