Ever look back at your choices in life and think " What the fuck?"
I do that everyday now. Why did I choose him? Why did I stay? Why didn't I take that one chance I had to be happy?
In an effort to build on my happiness, I may have created my own crash landing. There are always more than one side to a
story, this I know. Oh I know what you're thinking. Oh another poor broken woman, in trouble no doubt begging for someone
to come save her. This I can assure you is no longer my story. It was for a long time though. Now I realize that there is
not a single person in this world that is even willing to save me, no matter how many times I break their fall. The only
side of this story I can tell is my own, but I promise you this. As a woman, a mother, a wife, and a lover I have never
felt stronger in my heart while feeling so much doubt in my mind.
There are two men in my life. My husband whom I do love honestly, though he is someone I have grown distant from. He is
now someone I tolerate most days. Other days I feel like he tolerates me just enough to make it through the day. We don't
generally talk alot like we used to. We don't go out and enjoy each other's company. Hell we don't even cuddle unless it
is about time to sleep for the night. Years ago he was the light of my life. The one that made me smile just by entering
a room. Someone who made me weak in the knees with his dark green eyes. The man I saw myself growing old with, and raising
children with. Someone I saw at my side for every trial I would end up facing. Little did I know those trials would come
from him. There was the woman up north. He put up a full page personal add in a local forum looking for a woman to
"kepp him comany" while he was there. claiming he had no woman, no kids, and no reason to not be a fun time. It wasn't
until I was carrying his child that I began to see who it was I had chosen, and it infuriated me. He had cheated, he
had lied, he had carried on his little antics right under my nose and I was so in love with being loved that I let him
do it. I had put my heart and life in his hands, and in that moment I knew that it would be crushed. Maybe not right
then, maybe not a year from then. But evetually I knew I would be a broken woman. Of course I hoped. Of course
I prayed, and being a woman without religion that says alot. After our daughter had arrived and I contronted him,
knowing the full truth mind you he still tried to lie to me. I went cold. At that very moment in my life I became some
heartless shell of the woman I wanted to be. all I had wanted was love. True love. Not that movie crap. Something
genuine and passionate for years. Something that makes the average couple grimmace and say that's pucke worthy, know
what I mean? I never imagined in all of my life that I had done anything to earn such disrespect and thoughtlessness.
I had been there for him since day one. I waited. I played his little games. I was his booty call. I was his go to person.
I suppose in the end it really doesn't matter what you do for others because they are never gonna do the same for you.
Enter man number two. Sweet, passionate, thoughtfull. all the things in my life I was missing in a partner. Someone who
I quickly attached to. Someone I couldn't wait to talk to. Someone I desired more than my husband. Someone I could see
being a huge impact on my life. I was not wrong about that at all. He ended up being the someone that was there for me
through all my trials. The cheating, the lies, the pain, the worry, the anger, and the need for love as I saw it. I think
he gave me what I needed and more. When I was taken by ambulance at 5 months pregnant with a horrid flu and having
seizures, sure my husband was there but only in body. He would only come up there when it was time to pick me up.
But my dearest friend was there in heart. On the phone texting me, calling me, trying to make sure I was alright.
Keeping me company through the hours of monitoring, pokes, tests, and doctors. When I cried I called him. When I was angry
I called him. When I felt alone I called him. At some point I think if I felt anything it scared me and I called him.
We talked everyday, sometimes for hours. Anything and everything was up for discussion.
He would ask how I felt, how the babies were, how was work, his romantic interests and how he could make something better
of his relationships, and how I could fix mine. It didn't take us long to become the best of friends. Close like a brother
and sister would be at times, at least in my eyes. His youthfull view on life gave me hope. He was well beyond his years
don't get me wrong but every now and then that mischivious twenty something additude would show up and make me laugh.
Many days it was the only smile I would have. I'm not really sure when I started to love him, but I do remember when I
had worked up the guts to finally say it outloud. He had just been dumped by some little twit I never liked. She treated
him like shit. My second child was nearing his frist birthday, and for the last seven months or so our conversations had
become more than that of a brother/sister relationship. It had gotten to a point that each night I would live out whatever it was
we had talked about that day in a dream. We talked about being together, though each time I said no. We talked about
what it would be like to actually meet but again I always said no. At this point we had never even been in the same state.
And through some demented version of my views on love...I thought it was alright to love him and let him love me. Knowing
for a fact I would never go to him. My own loyalty to my vows, the same vows broken by my husband so many times, kept me
from going for my happiness. I planned multiple trips to see him. Even went as far as booking hotels a few times, but ever time I
managed to talk myself out of it. I told myself I would be no better than everyhting I hated about my marriage. So I just let it carry on
I loved him and let him love me, or at least he seemed to. I hope he did.
So now here I am. 29 years old. My husband and I have actually managed to get worse. I tried it all. Threesomes, dabbled wiht
the thought of swinging but I just wouldn't do that. It's not me. Sex to me is an act of love and should only be shared with
someone you love. simple right? Not for him. Sex to him was just an act of physical release. something to occupy his time and
build up his ego. Finally we decided on open marriage. Think of it like seperation while not seperate. I hated the thought. It
made me feel dirty, and disposable. I figured if I wasn't enough for him by now I never would be, but at least this way
he could get what he wanted and maybe, just maybe I could finally go on the trip I had planned so many times. Sure we set rules,
not that it mattered much. He broke every one we made. I came clean about my second affection. Told him how long it had been going
on, told him what sort of things had been said. told him how no matter what I said about him, I was always told to stick it out.
Work on it, make it better, make it last. for the first time in years I thought this was my chance at happiness. I could go on
and live how I wanted with who I wanted, while still having the security at home. Twisted isn't it? Goes against everything I ever belived in.
thought about love and marriage. It showed me though, that you can never choose who you love but you can choose how long you love them.
As I usually did though I ran to my knight in shining aromor. Let's call him that. Because for me that is who he was. He had saved me
more times than I could count. Never once had he hurt me. Never once has he made me feel like I wasn't worth it. He was a bit like the
first light of sunrise after a dark stormy night that kept you from sleep.
I finally worked up my courage. I finally had my words planned out. I finally knew what I wanted to do, and was determined to do it.
What an idiot I was. I fell in love with not one but two men who lied. Though my knight's lies weren't as bad, or severe. The man was
never mine to claim so I really couldn't hold it against him that he had found someone. I was mad he hadn't told me though. We still
talked like nothin had changed. But now what was I going to do? I was totally alone right then. I didn't have my husband. He was
too busy chasing hte skirt of his new girlfriend. And now I didn't have my knight. Life was not going how I had planned. In the end though
I couldn't imagine life without my knight, so I played it off. Didn't even bother telling him that I was going to ask him to be with me.
Didn't tell him how crused I was when he told me he was in love with her. I just cried. Nobody even knew I cried. Nobody bothered to ask
if I was alright anymore. all of a sudden it's like the rug under my feet was ripped up and I had fallen on my ass. So now I was stuck
in the bed I had made. I had told my husband he could pursue what he wanted while I was not allowed to pursue mine anymore. At one
point I became so desperate for love and affection from either of them that I became this mess. Total mess. I begged and pleaded with
them both. I begged for them to love me, to see how much I loved them. Begged for what I had been promised. Begged for what we had spent
over a year wanting. It was a lost cause though. My husband was set in his ways and no matter how crushed I was at his behavior and
actions not only did he continue but he would exaturate them in front of me to show he had control over me and there was not a damn thing I
could do. My knight was amazingly loyal, and truthfull. He tried everyway he could to be nice and kind to me in my times of insanity.
But he never broke his promise to her, not even once. At least I can say there are some men out there that do anything for love. In fact
as I type this up he is probably packing for his big move. He is going to live with her now, and as heartbreaking it is for me I am happy
for him. All this time I knew he needed someone to really love him, and I dont know if I could have. I was so broken when he found me
I dont think he could have fixed it. Eventually we would have ended. I wanted to be what he needed, but my own doubt and fears kept me
from being what I should have been. Had I found my strengh a year ago I might have bene writting something very different today.
So now I think I know what I need to do. Now I think I need to be my own savior. I need to be my own knight. I need to be my own love.
I have to be the best mother I can be, and save my kids the heartbreak I have faced in the last ten years. My family might end up
broken in pieces, but at least I can say I tried. I gave it my all. I was there through thick and thin and did my best. I can say
that I was a good friend to my knight. I can say I was a good wife who bent over backwards for the happiness of her husband. I can
say that I hit rock bottom, and though I fell to pieces Im glueing myself together for the first time in my life. I'm done relying
on someone else. I am done loving anyone but my kids. I am done sticking my neck out for the chopping block. And if somewhere down the line
my knight, or my husband decide they want me. Well that is gonna be on them, and they will have their work cut out for them. They both
hurt in their own ways, had their own sting. But no matter what I will always love them both in whatever way I can. I still have to
curb my desire to drive three hours and just show up at the door of my knight and kiss him. I still hold back trusting my husband.
I still want alot from them both, I hope they know that.
Guess this was one of those life lessons that takes so much out of you, takes your breath away and makes you feel like you are drowning.
It waits until your at the brink of death, waits for your hand to be the only thing above the water's surface before throwing you
that swift kick in the ass and a lifejacket. I will love me for me. If you can't manage it then, well, suppose we have no reason
to chat and make nice. I am my own woman. I am strong. I am loyal. I am loving. I am fearless now. I am finally putting myself first.
I am finally able to see what I am worth, and I will be dead before I let anyone take that from me ever again.
