Step into my office

A reminder that a universal basic income actually drastically improves the lives of everyone involved

It deeply saddens me that "pdf file" has become slang for pedo. Don't you dare disrespect my wife the beautiful portable document format ever again

and to the children in the notes saying we need this fucking baby talk to get around censorship online; there's been no credible evidence that any site other that YouTube (which will only demonetize your video, ftr) will actually censor or hide content that include words like rape, pedophile, gun, terrorist, etc. etc. and even if we take as a given they were (which, again, they are not), do not fucking comply in advance, you absolute fucking coward. and ESPECIALLY do not comply by altering your real life fucking vocabulary. don't let the technocrats dictate what words you say holy fucking shit dude!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think its charming when peoples personal lives improve and they get drastically worse at posting

i think something that is often overlooked in conversations about platonic and romantic relationships in media and the argument that “two people can just be friends” is that a big part of being queer, for me personally at least, is that i am deeply in love with my friends and would do absolutely anything for them and this sentiment alone opposes the heteronormative idea that your friends are supposed to play a secondary role in your life after a certain point. my friends are not just my friends. they’re not just anything. they’re my friends.

They sting. I got ouched by one a couple days ago. The vest is for your protection.

I am pleased by people messaging me telling me that after adding a carb or protein to their snacks or meals they feel more satisfied all day. Yes, my plan is working. People are getting through their days with less hangry.

What other animals would benefit from a hammerhead variety?

Splatoon but its werewolves

They uhhhhhhhh spray cum idk. Whatever.

I can make the same joke 100 times and you will all enjoy it.

One of these days yall will see me and haiku-bot fuckin tbh

it's cool how in the 6 years since this tweet was written it's become significantly less useful not because anything has gotten better but because the majority of products on Amazon are now from fly-by-night brands called "ZZPORK" and "GLUM4PANT"

Every time I see that last pic, I have to note that the funniest line is the one immediately after the highlight

My woke take, as someone who has worked in both a public library and a school library, is that we desperately need both more books that are at a higher reading level but a less mature subject matter, and more books that are at a lower reading level but a more mature subject matter, because 8 year olds who are advanced readers are still 8 year olds and don't want to read about graphic violence and torture, and teens and adults who have learning difficulties or who are just later readers for whatever reason are still teens and adults and don't want to read about Billy the Bunny going to school or whatever the hell.

Shoutout to people in the notes also mentioning people learning the language, I should've mentioned that really, given that I've been stuck reading German picture books myself while learning German.

this girl was showing all the signs of being a secret mermaid so i pushed her into the pool and she turned into a forty foot long mosasaurus which is tbh way cooler

not really sure how to get her out though

for those of you asking why i pushed her into the pool in the first place: i work for a duplicitous small town aquarium and i'm trying to kidnap mermaids to jump through hoops and shit to entertain tourists and make money. fucking obviously. now that i know she's actually a mosasaurus though i Have fallen in pure-hearted love with her