This is very not canon but imagine an au where phainon is the primordial one (yes theres fics of it but none have scratched my itch yet) and teyvat is just neo amphoreus but still in the scepter and phainon cant recover any of the chrysos heir data but can absolutely watch over this new world growing bc its what he promised to do. And then he fucks off for a while to go make the shades with cyrene or smth (i refuse to believe she isnt around somewhere) and comes back and wtf do you mean dragons are terrorizing humanity? (I vaguely think this is what happened but ofc not every dragon is that way theyre kinda just a little (a lot) egocentric)
Cue phainon "i will never bow down to this idea of fate, 33,550,336 cycle this bitch" khaslana going toe to toe with the dragons not bc he hates them but bc he just wants them to live in peace damn it, no terrorizing the soft squishy humans! Where is dan Heng he's the new earth titan right he needs to help phainon corral these assholes.
Unfortunately the dragons think he is a usurper even though he was here first?? Bitch?? Dragons are also excellent at holding grudges so unfuckingfortunately for phainon he is stuck with their anger for another good few millennia.
And THEN a few millennia in gods start fighting over territory and fucking up the humans AGAIN and phainon has to think of a way to stop them, but hes also at the end of his rope and decides, fuck it, ill install the gods who love humans so BADLY they'll do essentially what i did to come out on top of this and THATS why the archon war starts. Phainon's criteria is literally "which one of you fuckers care about humanity enough to fight for it?
Barbatos is fairly simpleāthat little guy fought against his nature and fought for freedom. Easy enough. God, why does everyone think its a fluke? Phainon ADORES the concept of freedom and what barbatos represents! Imagine if they had that kind of titan back on amphoreus....well okay hyacine clutched st the end BUT IF THEY HAD SOMEONE LIKE BARBATOS MAYBE HIS PARTNERS WOULDNT HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN THE SKY. Imagine that!
Morax was slightly complicated....it was meant to go to haagentus but morax does strictly adhere to contracts so it should be fine....right? Right. Right.
Baal was a no brainer. Understanding the concept of transience was so important. Phainon thinks back to how slowly aglaea lost her humanity and thinks, yes. Understanding the transience of all life is absolutely necessary.
He thought the three god kings were neat, it was rather unfortunate two of them went so early, there went his plans of making two extra gnoses. But buer was fine
Egeria had a lot of love for humanity and justice that phainon nearly gave her the spot immediately
Xbalanque and natlan was so reminiscent of his times with mydei. Secretly phainon's favorite place was natlan.
And the tsar...phainon wonders if cyrene had a hand in it. Love, shown with ice. Hmmmmmmmm.
There's also that godless nation but phainon doesnt really care? Professor Anaxa would have been thrilled.
Of course things go to shit bc as much as phainon has duties to lvoe and care for humanity, humanity is...flawed. Rhinedottir releases her hounds, the five sinners asborb the abyss, and phainon and his shades are forced to do clean up. Man.
Phainon had to sleep after bc he was genuinely near crashing the fuck out and when he wakes upāHUH? Wdym the thrones changed? Phainon is missing SO much conrext.
Also i do want to see a scene where neuvillete handles the case as judge and disproves of phainon, but is utterly surprised when he learns about what teyvat means to phainon and the revelation that hey, maybe the dragons werent here first and the usurper wasnt a usurper but rather an actual originator of teyvat. Wouldnt that knowledge just fuck you up inside?
