It's national eating disorder awareness week and I do feel obligated to enlighten some of the people I know about it, being that I suffered from one for quite some time. First I'd like to say that if you've suffered from one, this week isn't about posting a picture of you "at your lowest weight" this week is about sharing knowledge and inspiring others through stories of recovery. So now I will begin. Everyone's disorder is very very different, so unique in fact that no one will ever quite understand each others root causes for this disease. For those of you who believe an eating disorder is simply about being skinny you could not be more incorrect. This disease is multifaceted. For me part of it was about control, mainly controlling my emotions, it was about hiding things that had happened to me in my past, it was about being perfect in all aspects of life, it was the only way anyone could love me. It was about disappearing and ONLY existing to help and please others, it was about being good/ the best at something. Those are only a few of the "pro's" I got out of starving myself. I put myself in a box and never ever let anyone in that box because that someone could hurt me. I coped with the loneliness, the worthlessness, and the shamefulness by going deeper and deeper into my eating disorder. It was 8 years of hell, 8 years of being locked in a prison where I was my worst enemy. Many people refer to the disordered voice in our heads as Ed. Ed played many many tricks on me, told me lie after lie after lie and I believed them all. He told me I was worthless, that I was a piece of shit and if I only lost weight I'd be worth something. Of course no matter how much weight I lost the bar always went lower. He told me I wasn't capable of anything and that if anyone knew who I really was they'd hate me. He told me the only reason people even tolerated me was because I helped them. I was convinced that the world would be better off if I was dead, everyone's lives would be so much better without me in them. I can't count the number of nights I prayed I'd just die in my sleep. I tried and tried so hard to fix myself, to "choose to be happy". Everyone always told me that happiness is a choice and I could never figure out what the hell was wrong with me that I just couldn't choose it. What was wrong was that I had this cancer like disease that I just couldn't stop from growing in all of my thoughts. And then the night came when I almost did die and finally I realized that I didn't want to, I didn't want this life, I wanted so so so much more and the only way to get that, if it was even at all possible was to get help. I spent several days in the hospital following that night, while there I did really well with eating all of my meals, I was really really trying. Then I was discharged, the surge of almost dying lasted for about two more days and then it slowly disappeared and I was going back to my old ways. I was so blessed to have lived, it was honestly a miracle that I was still walking, talking and attending classes. I had all of the doctors baffled at how my heart was still beating. Yet all of that still wasn't enough to turn me around and start living "healthy". I was so incredibly lucky to be where I was at that point in time. The head of the counseling program at my school who is an eating disorder specialist, offered to take me on as a patient while I finished my semester and although I put a ton of work into this recovery thing, I owe so very much to him. Dr. Quagliana is an indescribably welcoming, forgiving, warm, no nonsense man. He knew how to draw me out and he knew even better how to put me in my place which was at most times exactly what I needed. May 15th 2014 I checked myself into a residential treatment center in Chattanooga TN called Focus I am so grateful to all of the employees there. They truly have given me a second chance at life. Life in recovery although it is hard is the most incredible experience I've ever had. I'm finally free, free from feeling worthless, free from feeling shameful about who I am. I know how to set boundaries and finally how to take care of myself. I LIVED THROUGH A HOLIDAY SEASON WITHOUT ANY ANXIETY ATTACKS! That is insane to me!! I'm free to love and be loved. And I finally can take things in stride, without being in control of everything. When I look in the mirror I see something of value, someone that is worthy of life love and happiness. I've never seen that girl before but now I see her all the time. When I look at myself I don't see all the things that are wrong with me, I see eyes I inherited from my grandfather and a smile that is genuine. I see a body that is nourished and beautiful. I have so much more energy and I actually have space in my brain to enjoy every moment In leu of every neural synapse being taken over by thoughts of food and anxiety around it. I finally know and have experienced that life is actually something quite wonderful. ❤️ Even throughout all these months of working hard at recovery I always swore to myself when my grandfather, the love of my life, when he passed away I would be right back at square one. I am so proud to say that I am not. The urge to starve my feelings has been so very prominent this past month since his passing. But the memory of his pride in me for being in recovery is even more bold than the former. His love, joy, courage and support for me is truly what has kept me going and I am so glad that I have. I'm not usually one to brag about myself but I am honestly so proud. All of this has been the hardest fight of my life and thanks to my family, friends and doctors, I'm still winning. So if you know anyone who struggles with anything similar, I hope that you can love them regardless. I hope that you can show them that they are worthy of your time, your love, and your friendship. Show them that nothing they have ever done or could ever do, even if no one knows it, could ever change the fact that they are worthy. I hope anyone that reads this that struggles with similar things can know that life isn't supposed to be that way, that Ed is a liar, nothing will be better if you lose 10 lbs. that your life's work isn't to lose weight. You were made for so sooo much more and that life, a free life is only a leap of faith away. Recovery, full recovery is possible. No matter how deep in the caves of addiction or depression you are, recovery is possible. I know because I'm in it, I'm living it. Although I'm not perfect, I still struggle and some days are worse than others, perfection is unattainable and it's not what I'm striving for. Joy is what I strive for and recovery is where I find it, vulnerability I truly believe is key to that. #soworthloving #edrecovery #neda
