a sort of online journal

I can’t believe it????? It all just by so fast. I’m a little sad for the summer to end. I feel like I live in a very different reality once school starts and I am just not sure if I am about it anymore... good thing it’s my last year????

But anyways... this year is about to be weird. I can’t believe it will finally be my year of Lasts (what technically should have been last year... but then I got into our BS/MS program). I’m not sure if I’m ready for it. This summer has been a nice distraction. 

A nice distraction from what my life is really like. The responsibilities I will have during the school year. The decisions I will have to make this coming year. The lasts I’ll have this year. Some of the complicated relationships I’ve had with some friends. 

Although this coming year will be exciting & hard, this summer also gave me what I needed -- hope and a new lease on life. 

Being stuck on T for almost 3 fucking whole years has been so tough. Words can’t say how disappointing it has been to deal with this for such a long time. 3 years? This pretty much took over my sophomore, junior, and senior years of college. Did he ruin my college experience? No, not at all. He didn’t play that BIG of a part of my life, but he took up a decent amount of space in my head and I wish this had been something I’d gotten through sooner. Am I afraid I’ll fall again? Yes... but I also feel better about this situation and I am not too worried that it will happen again. 

I hate that it took me to hold on to someone new to let go of T, but obviously this new situation is just a crush... Chances of it evolving into anything else? Slim as hell. But it’s nice to not feel like I’m drowning because of a person anymore. It’s nice not to hold on to stupid What Ifs anymore. It’s nice to breathe again and feel stupid crush-like feelings even though realistically nothing is going to happen. 

It’s nice to breathe again. 

I’m not sure exactly what this year is going to bring, but I hope that all it does is surprise me like this summer did. Not much happened this summer, but I am so thankful for what it did for my mental health & soul and I am excited to begin my last year at Tech finally feeling like myself again. 

& in a way, that’s good. 

I’ll be in a completely different place this summer, with (likely) plans to move to another state to begin the next step of my career. And in a way, I don’t need a potential relationship to affect in any way that decision of where I would like to end up. 

Because I know, in the end, that no matter how hard I try to compartmentalize my feelings for a person from my decision on what program would be my top choice internship, I know that it would be very hard to do that. No matter how much I put my mind to it. 

Others ask me why I’m not adventurous. Who cares if I just have one year left in this town, why not pursue a relationship if it miraculously comes around? 

Well first of all: 

1. What the fuck, there were multiple chances for that. 

2. I’m not totally opposed to this... but I just know how I am and I have a pretty huge decision ahead for me. 

But on the bright side, even if nothing happens... it’s good to feel my mind CLEAR again. Last night, for the first time in years I listened to Bon Iver and /really/ appreciated the music. Not that T had any relationship with this artist, but ever since I met him I feel like my relationship with that type of music has just been off. And finally, it just felt like HOME. 

It feels good to not feel like I had already met The One. Like I no longer had any other choices... that it was him or no one else. Obviously the rational part of me KNOWS that wasn’t actually true, but considering the nonexistent amount of suitors I’ve had since then, it just felt like it WAS true. 

It was honestly a little sad, but also kind of freeing. But a part of me started overthinking and like... why unfollow me if I meant nothing? Or did I actually mean something & he was too scared to speak up?

Obviously it wasn’t NOTHING. How did he go from liking almost my every post from last summer, to nothing, but still viewing almost every single story, to then unfollowing me?

Like I said, it was good. And necessary. But it still stung a little.

He wasn’t The One. There’s no such thing as The One, and there will always be Others afterwards. This is not a before/after, but it does feel like it.

You know, for once I’m not actually bitter on this holiday. I’m happy for people and their significant others. But it would be nice to have someone to do all this cliche & cute stuff with.

It’s been a while. At least since October since I made an actual personal post.

Things have happened: my parents are getting a divorce (not really a surprise) and everyone is reacting to it in very strange ways, I’m not sure if my mom and A will stay at this house or what will happen, dad’s possibly moving to Texas and eventually taking the dogs with him so that kinda sucks ass, I finished the craziest academic semester (fuck group projects in basically every class!!!!!) but somehow managed to get my highest GPA (I think... I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a 3.9), ran a total of 180-something miles this year which isn’t a lot for actual runners but for me it is, rode a bus to Florida and back and had a pretty exhausting bowl game trip, can somehow slowly feel the T fog FINALLY FUCKING LIFT (I’m scared bc I’ve felt like this before) but like... where do I go from here?, ate a ton more sushi, still love getting drunk but I hate the hangovers more than anything, had a pretty unproductive winter break but at least my eyeshadow game has improved, our cat has become super super needy (idk i mentioned that we got a cat... but A adopted one over a year ago during last winter break)

Anyways

Life is weird life is strange, not really sure where 2018 is going to go. It’s an exciting year but still a scary year. Can’t believe my four years of school are pretty much over.... good thing I have a fifth-year master’s left (-: of course I know what to expect this year, but there’s also a lot of uncertainty. Where will I e this summer? What will life be like when my dad moves out? What will holidays be like? What will writing a goddamn thesis be like? (Fuck I’m so scared!!!!!) what will second semester of senior year be like? What will it be like to continue in school without all the people who came in with me? Will I ever have a love life???

The world may never know