a compulsive obsession with cleanliness is beaten into us from birth, donāt curse, donāt scream, thatās dirty, donāt wear that, donāt touch that, thatās dirty, have sex, donāt have sex, thatās dirty, you made a mess, clean it up, your brother made a mess, your father made a mess, clean it up, pills instead of a gun, bloodās dirty, donāt play in a dress, youāll get it dirty, open the windows and boil water with cinnamon and vanilla when da smokes, itās dirty, older brother not learning he smokes til five years later, he canāt know, thatās dirty, donāt want things, donāt need things, desire canāt be pure, not yours, are you a virgin? have someone elseās hands taken that cleanliness? would that be so bad? of course it would, doesnāt he know thereās no cleanliness left in me to take? he doesnāt care, heāll take my filth if itās all i have, as long as heās taking, as long as itās all i have left, donāt love her, donāt touch her, thatās dirty, ive cleaned this kitchen ten times, itās still dirty, da spilled his drink clean it up, he canāt know how bad heās getting, this house must be clean, clean of him, clean of sin, clean of evidence at least, iām not clean anymore but i try to be, i have to try, i canāt be dirty, and now itās not about staying clean but only appearing to be, plato said thereās a class of woman who are receptacles for filth, a sewage system of women at the bottom, and iām part of that, it feels like it, and now iām a hopeless cause, iām tainted, iām dirty, and i canāt let it spread, whatās around me must stay clean, i canāt infect the world around me, i have to hold the filth inside and keep the world safe, but every woman is this way so what world is there to care for, because no one cares, no one sees, but they donāt want it dirty either, do they.
