a wise girl kisses but doesn't love

Aries: "Dear customer service: First of all, you should know I'm writing this with my middle finger."

Taurus: "Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned."

Gemini: "Long term relationships are hard when you have the attention span of a cocaine-snorting squirrel."

Cancer: "When I'm mad, I'm a sadistic demon bitch spawned from Hell. When I'm happy, I bake cookies and shit."

Leo: "I don't care what you think of me. Unless you think I'm awesome. In which case, you are right."

Virgo: "This just in: Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole."

Libra: "Sometimes when my underwear matches, it makes me feel like I really have my life together."

Scorpio: "Mexican drug lords escape maximum-security prisons faster than I escape dysfunctional relationships."

Sagittarius: "You're cantankerous, inappropriate, self-destructive, and hopefully single."

Capricorn: "You've experienced so much failure that I am genuinely happy for your success."

Aquarius: "You're calling me weird? Bitch, please! I'm just limited edition."