Happily Hellenist

This was extremely disheartening for me, as I haven't shaved my legs in about a year. There are multiple reasons why I chose not to. I'm transmasculine, and having body hair is gender-affirming for me (though I'm not completely out; you can learn more about that here: @safelyhungup). I also see all of my hair, including my leg hair, as an extension of myself and my energy. Even the hair on my head, which I keep as long as I can despite it often making me appear more feminine than I'd like. I'm also disabled, and shaving my legs can be physically painful, often causing my back pain to flare up. Additionally, I have a history of SH, and the act itself was quite triggering.

I recognize that this may seem trivial to some people. I understand that some may see this as dramatic or as a non-issue. Even I have other things in my life that are objectively more pressing than this. But for me, this is about more than just shaving my legs. I'm mourning a piece of myself that took a long time to feel comfortable and confident showing. It was a literal part of me that I wasn't ready to remove and was forced to. More than that, it's a loss of autonomy. I'm 20 years old, and I feel I should be able to make simple decisions about my own body, including whether or not I shave my legs. This act was also a removal of self-expression and, in some ways, a removal of a form of social protest that I consciously participated in. Most significantly, this has left me feeling dysphoric in a way I haven't experienced in quite some time. I tend to struggle more with social dysphoria than physical dysphoria. I see the femininity in my body as beautiful, a connection to life, creation, and even the earth itself. But being forced to shave my legs wasn't an expression of my femininity, it was a feminine social expectation imposed on me against my will. I don't keep my leg hair long because "men have leg hair." I keep it because, according to the standards I was raised with, women aren't supposed to. Being comfortable enough to reject that expectation took years of work and self-acceptance. Being forced to conform to it feels like a major blow to the confidence I worked so hard to build.

So what am I going to do about it? I'm going to do the only thing I can think to do: a ritual.

I decided to make a devotional oil offering for Lord Hermaphroditus, one of the deities I'm currently working with. I plan to make a separate post soon about why I began working with him (including a better lit photo of his altar) as I've done with my other deities, so I won't go into detail here. What I will say is that I began working with him shortly before booking my first appointment to start HRT. I've included the ingredients I used and my reasons for choosing them below for anyone who may be interested. I've also attached photos of the finished oil, the sigil I added to the lid before sealing it with wax, and the paper I used while designing the sigil.

Ingredients

💜 Leg hair

- The external piece of self that’s being forcefully removed

- Representing the loss of autonomy and self expression

💜 Bay leaves

- masculine energy

- Protection of self

- Protection of secrecy

💜 Cinnamon

- masculine energy

- Protection of self

- Self expression

💜 Garlic

- masculine energy

- Protection of self

💜 Peppermint

- masculine energy

- Self expression

💜 Sage

- masculine energy

- Self expression

💜 Mugwort

- masculine energy

- Protection of secrecy

- Self expression

💜 Black salt

- cleansing

- Protection of self

💜 Rose petals

- Feminine energy (representing what I come from)

- Self expression

💜 Sealing with the color white

- New beginnings

- Protections

- Peace

- Happiness

- Continued connection to my spirituality

💜 Oil

- used as a base for the spell

- Strengthen energy

- If I’m honest, I think it looks cool, and in a spell like this that little extra bit of joy is necessary.

The current Altar I have for lady Artemis and Lord Apollo. Although initially only wanting to work with Lord Apollo, I found it extremely important to work with both if I work with one. Although I’d like for them to both have separate altars, I haven’t the space for that yet, so for now they must share.

As previously mentioned, I originally planned on only working with Apollo, but as of recently I’ve felt a much stronger connection to Lady Artemis! I’ve been participating in bone collection and cleaning, and find her domain is much more suited towards my needs for that. She’s also been helping me connect more with my feminine side. Though, on initial look at my set up, one might think Aphrodite might be better for that connection, I find she’s helping me more with my self confidence and self love overall, apposed to the specific connection to my femininity I seek. With lady Artemis, I find my connection to my feminine side to be the most strong. This is especially important to me, as I’m just starting my transition into being more masc leaning (I’m agender, and just started T a few weeks ago. Shameless plug to my blog on that here: @safelyhungup) and I feel it’s important for me to stay connected to my feminine side, as despite having different outward presentation goals, it’s still ultimately what I came from, and a very important part of who I am.

Working with lord Apollo is also significantly different than I first expected, though I believe for the better. I wanted to focus on the more artistic aspects of working with him, but due to my multiple chronic illnesses I’ve been needing to focus on the more medicinal side. He’s helped me stay positive amongst the long road to achieving a diagnosis, and has helped me stay strong as I start to finally recover. Im hoping that continuing to work with him will not only help with my continued road to becoming a bit less ill, but will also potentially help with the more artistic side as previously intended.