little joys

Tomorrow is the one week mark. My first year as lead teacher is coming to a close and with all the cliche in the world associated with this phrase it really went by in the blink of an eye. There’s this event that happens at the end of a school year and I’ve taught enough years now that I know it’s going to happen but every single time it comes and goes and I am left scratching my head. Just as they appear at my classroom door in the the muggy tail end of August in the month of May they walk out of the classroom for the final time and just like that they are gone. Off to a new school, new adventures and happy memories. I am thrilled for them of course and very proud but at the same time it leaves me a little bit dejected and empty feeling. I count my blessings and I know many families will keep in close touch but as this May has rolled around I’ve come to realize that several children walked out of my class this time last year and I haven’t seen them since. A whole year of new things has passed us by with such speed it is actually the tiniest bit frightening. I am not naive enough to think that I should have a close relationship and stay up to date with every family who passes through my classroom but damn it, I sure would love to see those little faces now and again just to hear them tell me what is new in their lives or even just give me that shy knowing smile that says “hey, I know you…”

I am looking back and reflecting on the first year with myself in the driver’s seat so to speak. There were so many moments and it seems they all were incredibly fleeting. There were joys and sorrows. Moments where someone would raise their hand and tell me exactly what I was trying to teach them, moments where I wondered if I’d taught anyone anything at all, laughter echoed from my classroom, tears were shed by students, parents and teachers alike. There were moments and situations that I wasn’t sure what my next move should be, there were moments of overwhelming pride when a student was absolutely excited and engaged and learning. Hugs, smiles, questions, the same questions repeated, interruptions, confusion, clarity, spills, fish tank malfunctions, learning to read, learning to write and truly everything in between. I had glorious moments of patience and moments where my patience ran short, I survived parent-teacher conferences and actually enjoyed talking to each parent, there were good ideas, bad ideas and days where the children themselves just took over the teaching and I was along for the ride (and thank goodness they did.)

I think a requirement for being a good preschool teacher is that you wear your heart on your sleeve and lord knows I do… this year I also found that some people just might not be cut out for this work. I second guessed myself many times because I wanted to be completely sure that I was doing right by each one of those tiny humans I had in my care and I wanted to be sure that their parents were behind this effort and believed in what I was doing… which admittedly is a tall order. Being in the second half of your 20s requires one to begin to really navigate relationships and social situations in order to really figure out what you need in your life and what you truly don’t. There is a lot of pressure doing what I do and the weight of people’s judgements can be heavy. I had to remind myself frequently that this is a job that matters, a job that I studied hard to learn how to do, a job that I can continue to grow into and learn about for as many years as I am doing it. I’ve come to realize that people in life are going to surprise you and disappoint you and there are lessons and beauty in any and all of those scenarios. Last week a mom of a younger child in our school told me that she expected me to hang around a few more years so she could be sure her daughter would have me as a teacher. I laughed and told her that I wasn’t going anywhere and I know I didn’t communicate to her exactly how much that meant to me. To know that someone has admired my work or noticed what I am doing and they want to be sure that their child has me in their life... I am not sure there is a higher compliment or a better testament to how hard I am working or just how much it means to me to hold this job.

After a lot of transition and turmoil a woman landed at the door of my classroom who would become my assistant teacher in late September. She challenges me, supports me and is truly herself which is such a gift. I am lucky to have someone to laugh with and talk to when I need an adult (Although 4 year olds offer great advice and conversation 99% of the time.) Life hands you a friend when you need one sometimes and though we are in completely different chapters in our lives with very different stories that precede this chapter she is the dose of honesty and reality that I really needed this year. During a particularly challenging period this winter when I fell ill for an extended period of time this woman and an entire community of families rose up behind me and supported me with such selflessness and grace it still really moves me to think about. Knowing that an entire group of people are in your corner is something that still heals my soul long after the illnesses have left my body. I will truly never forget Alex finding an envelope on our doorstep coming home from work after what felt like my umpteenth sick day in a row. In his hands is a christmas card filled with cash (something I was lacking after missing so much work… especially at christmas) and a note thanking me for all I do for the children in my class… To say I burst into tears would be an understatement. I have never known such generosity and I hope I can return that karma into the universe one day.