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I'd rather be in outer space πΈ
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
we're not kids anymore.

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@hannahsixx
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ο½ο½ο½ /ο½ο½ο½ ο½ . οΌοΌ . ο½.ο½ο½ο½ο½ .

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
happy pride month to these two freaks
if i speak iβll be arrested
why did we make fanfic mainstream?? my fanfic history is between me and god deadass
Andy writers come back Iβm begging you

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
i had to put my dog down and iβm genuinely tweaking iβm scared
BVB having a lesbian vampire bdsm orgy in their music video was not on my bingo card
and it wasnβt fetishized π₯Ήπ₯Ή it was honestly the best iβve seen from them in a while
does unc do this on purpose deadass
ππ-ππππππ πππππ ππππππ. β π.π.
01: ITβS NOT A FASHION STATEMENT, ITβS A DEATHWISH. β βdo you remember that day when we met? you told me this gets harder. well, it did.β
wc: 15.2k. warnings: bullying/violence, blood, f-slur (x1), awkward/angsty teens lmao. masterlist.
authorβs note: dedicating this first chapter to @abstem1us who has honestly singlehandedly given me the motivation to keep writing this story lol. for everyone else, if youβve never read my work beforeβ yes, every chapter will probably be this long and self-indulgent. iβm obnoxious. much love. <3
β cincinnati, ohio. february, 2008. dahliaβs pov.
β
"i can't for the life of me figure out what you're so anxious about, sweetheart." my mother's frail hands fumbled with the package of aluminum foil between her fingers, covering up the glass container of food on the kitchen counter. "i know you have trouble meeting new people, but the biersacks really are the kindest couple,"
"uh, iβm pretty sure it's not them she's worried about, ma." i could hear my brother amusedly mumbling under his breath as he walked closer to my side.
"shut up." i lifted my head from where i'd had it rested in my hands, tossing my elbows off of the kitchen table and glowering right through him when i knew he could see me. he grinned, unfazed.
"oh, bug.β mom gently shook her head, her shoulders dropping when she looked between damien and i, as if what heβd said had somewhat relieved her. βdonβt tell me youβre all worked up over that boy.β she almost laughed. βhe seems harmless. i donβt think iβve ever even heard him speak."
"i donβt know. in her defense, he does kind of look like he sleeps in a coffin. sheβs probably scared heβs gonna bite her neck, or something.β damien commented, just before he turned back to me with a devious, half smile on his mouth. βor is that more like what youβre hoping for?β his now slightly hushed, teasing words shrouded my face and neck in crimson as he playfully shoved my shoulder with his balled up fist. i grit my teeth behind my lips, burning and pushing him away.
just as my mom shot him a firm look, and i opened my mouth to fire back at his endless picking, our father walked into the room. just the sound of his footsteps immediately shifted all three of our relaxed demeanors.
βharmless is hardly the word iβd use, val,β he said, fixing the collar of his button up shirt while he put his two cents in on a conversation i wasnβt aware heβd even been close enough to overhear. βhave you seen that son of theirs? kidβs definitely got a couple of screws loose.β he pessimistically shut down my momβs much brighter perspective, as was usually par for the course. "if you ask me, sheβs better off being a little scared of him.β he spoke his opinion so starkly, as if he had a clue.
βjames,β my mother muttered with sympathy as he came nearer to her, only for him to unapologetically change the subject.
βspeaking ofββ he began. βi thought we agreed you were gonna get all that mess out of her hair before she started at school.β a chill ran down my spine as he redirected his endless criticism to point towards me, uttering his words as if turning his back to my eyes would keep me from hearing them.
i fought to swallow the lump suddenly lodged in my throat, feeling my brotherβs softening gaze digging into the side of my head as i hung it low, rearranging my now slightly faded, blue hair all to one side of my neck.
βit makes her happy, jay.β mom defended me, gently, as she always did, lowering her voice while she spoke of the impulsive decision she allowed me to make just a few weeks priorβ staining both of our hands with grocery store hair dye when i was feeling particularly emotional about how much my life was about to change in such a small amount of time. βthe day we did that was the first time i saw her smile in weeks.β
he let out a scoff, almost before she was even finished speaking. βwhatβs next? letting her get tattoos? maybe drop out of school, because it βmakes her happy?β sheβs a child. what could possibly be so terrible about her life thatβ?
βso, have you made any friends yet?β damienβs voice suddenly turned genuine, while he moved to stand in front of me, blocking what i could see of my parents out of my peripheral vision. he distracted me just long enough from the tense conversation in the opposite corner of the kitchen that i missed the rest of my dadβs dismissive comment, but not much else.
βif you had any idea how much of a toll this has all been taking on her,β
βpeople in this town knew and respected my father. i donβt need anyone seeing her; hearing her last name, and thinking i condone this kind of behaviorββ
βno, not really.β i finally answered, setting my hands in my lap and nervously picking at the skin of my cuticles.
βis everyone ready to go?β my mother purposefully overpowered her husbandβs attempt to keep their argument alive, turning her body completely away from him and calling for my and damienβs attention. aside from the shuffling of feet, and jackets being thrown over arms and closed up, we left the house wrapped in a thin blanket of tense silence.
i clung to the heavy, zip up hoodie around me as we left our new home behind, and began our short walk through the cold, mid-winter evening winds. iβd become so distracted mindlessly counting every step my shoes took against the sidewalk, my body flinched when i felt my mom rest a comforting hand between my shoulder blades. we shared a knowing look as we fell behind my dad and brother, until we all met again at the front steps of our next door neighborβs house. she only left my side when it came time to approach the entrance of the home, carefully opening the glass storm door and pressing the little button upon the frame to ring the bell.
muffled footsteps from beyond the door came quickly. "hi,β the bubbly, redheaded woman behind the threshold grinned and greeted our family when it opened, offering to take the dish rested on my motherβs hip as she let us all into the house. "so great to see you again."
"we've been looking forward to it." she accepted the hug with open arms. we all piled into the entryway as she led us, re-introducing us all to her husband as he came around the corner from the hallway.
"andy! come downstairs, please!" i flinched as mrs. biersack's voice raised to call for her son, before she followed after us again. relief and disappointment somehow joined hands within me when silence remained in the stairway.
damien and i took off our outer layers and sat quietly next to each other at the otherwise empty dining room table, while the adults stood in the connecting room and started on a conversation we were equally disinterested in participating in. my eyes darted around, twiddling with my fingers and swinging my feet slowly.
"heyβ i know iβve been pickinβ on you, but seriously. you look like youβre gonna throw up. are you doing okay?" he asked, that sincere sound returning to his voice. i could feel him looking me up and down as i stared at the wooden top of the table.
"i'm fine. i just," i murmured my white lie, shaking my head as i lifted it to face him. "i donβt know. i think just need a second." i tossed my legs over the side of the chair i'd just sat down in, walking over to peek through the open doorway that divided the rooms. "i'm sorry, um.. could i use your restroom?" i meekly interrupted their discussion, locking eyes with the woman whoβd showed us in the house just minutes before.
"of course, sweetheart. if you go around the corner right there in the hallway, it's up the stairs and to the left.β mrs. biersack stepped forward a bit, pointing me in the right direction. just as i started to pivot, she continued. βoh, and if you happen to run into my selectively deaf son,β her sarcasm was evident. βwould you see if you can get him to come back down with you? he might listen to you better than me."
"uh,β her words brought a light blush to my face, leaving me to silently ponder whether they carried any weight. βsure. thank you." i gave her a weak smile, despite knowing exactly how slim of a chance there was that i'd even attempt to do what sheβd asked of me. she beamed just before she began to turn back to where sheβd left my parents and her husband.
my legs carried me slowly until i knew i was out of sight, when i tightened my arms around myself and speed walked to the steep staircase that led to the second floor. my fingers coiled to the railing as i zipped up the carpeted steps, made it to the top, wandered down the hallway and shut myself behind the bathroom door, all in less than sixty seconds. i flicked on the switch just inside the doorway, immediately making eye contact with myself in the mirror. a sigh, heavy with discontent, filled my lungs and escaped through my lips at the sight. every detail i less than adored seemed to shine under the warm gleam of the lights above my head.
βstupid, fuckingββ my flair for the dramatic sent my foot flying into an ultimately rather anticlimactic, frustrated kick at the doorway iβd just walked through. βget a hold of yourself.β i mumbled, cradling my forehead in my hands as i let my back gently hit the wall behind me.
it was approaching a month since my parents had practically dragged me kicking and screaming out of the only home iβd ever known in portland, oregon to live in the middle of nowhere outside of cincinnati, ohio. every second since weβd unloaded that moving truck had been nothing short of miserable, and things didnβt seem like they were going to start looking up any time soon.
for the first time in my life, i was truly left completely to my own devices. with my brother starting spring semester classes at university of cincinnati, my mom settling into her new evening and overnight job at the local hospital, and my dad, whoβs absence i didnβt mind quite as much, dealing with the stress of taking over his late fatherβs businessβ i spent the majority of my time with nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company.
i was far too realistic of a creature to not know that being thrown into a new school in the middle of the academic year was going to be hell, but just how awful it all turned out to be exceeded even the most cynical of my expectations.
iβd still hardly learned my way around the maze of hallways i was walking every day; the sheer amount of bodies filling them was overwhelming on itβs own, compared to the stuffy, catholic school my father insisted on sending me to back home.
i was spinning in circles trying not to fall even further behind the rest of my classmates in nearly every subject. the only βfriendβ i felt iβd made thus far was my middle aged music teacher, who was kind enough to let me take up space on the bench of her grand piano during my lunch period and after school, when everyone else had gone home. the possibility that iβd ever build up the audacity to speak to another living soul while i was in that god forsaken building was proving itself to be out of the question. and frankly, i was beginning to feel i had no interest.
that was all before i saw him.
my father had drilled it into my brain early in life, exactly how i could secure a future for myself; being obsessively focused, studious to a fault, and ultimately, cold and shut off to most everyone around me, like he was. iβd almost prided myself on not wasting my adolescence on the same, juvenile things my peers seemed so consumed withβ all of the social hierarchies, dating and such. before we moved to ohio, iβd hardly as much as lifted my head to glance at a guy around my age.
but there was something about himβ that pale, raven haired boy that stuck out like a sore thumb in my third period english classβ that i just couldnβt shake to save my life.
from that gloomy morning i saw him for the very first time, walking in the doorway, ten minutes late with one of his wired headphones hanging from his ear, i felt like a fish on a hook. and the worst part was that he really hadnβt done anything at all; aside from sitting in the only empty chair in the room, next to me in the far, back corner. yet, just his presence seemed to make the blood pump faster to my heart.
him, and his almost wolf-like blue eyes, often lined with black eyeshadow; the black, hoop piercing running through his plump, lower lip; his long legs, and lanky, lightly tattooed arms; that disinterested look he was always wearing on his face. catching little glimpses of him in the classes that we shared became the only thing i looked forward to in those long days. that was, whenever he decided to show up.
andy, iβd eventually learned was the name of the mystery boy iβd been melodramatically lamenting about to the journal i kept glued to my person at all times. i felt ridiculous, overtaken with an emotion so foreign to me, absentmindedly penning little hearts around presumptive words about a boy that i truly, hardly knew from adam; a boy who probably barely even knew i was alive.
but i couldnβt help but feel like we shared a similar disposition. i desperately wanted to know more, what laid behind the surface of his violently antisocial exterior; to even just know what his voice sounded like. there was just one problemβ i couldnβt bring myself to speak to him on my own if there was a gun to my head.
i fought tirelessly to convince myself that it was all just butterflies in my stomach, a feeling that would fade eventually as time went on. surely, there had to be something wrong with him; something i would find so obnoxious or unattractive that iβd finally be rid of this embarrassing feeling in my gut.
but as those days went by and nothing of the sort seemed to jump out at me, i found out just how much more embarrassing things could really become.
that thursday was just like any other day, repetitive and draining until the last bell freed me to start on the long walk back to my locker, which was nestled nearly all the way into a dead end corner of the hallway it belonged to. i followed the same routine iβd been falling into since my untimely arrival in this midwest ghost townβs only public high schoolβ hiding away behind the gray, metal door iβd been assigned among the many lining the brick walls, as the building slowly emptied. iβd take my sweet time to collect my things, knowing that if i lingered just long enough, there was a chance iβd see him stop by his own locker, which was all too ironically only about ten steps away from mine.
βi know it, i canβt feel it. well, i know it enough to believe it. and i know it, i canβt see it. but i know it enough to believe it..β
the hot pink earbuds connected to the clunky, black ipod in the front pocket of my skinny jeans played the fifth track of the 90βs grunge album as i sorted aimlessly through my folder of sheet music. no matter how much of a dick he was to me sometimes, every time i pressed the big, round button on that handheld player, i silently thanked my brother for handing it down to me. fading away into the records i loved, and the ones heβd left behind on the little device, seemed to be the only thing that worked to remedy the perpetual state of self pity i was stuck in those days.
βto better you, to better me. my bitter half has bitten me. itβs better than you, itβs better than me. sleeping with my enemy myself..β
courtney loveβs voice pounded against my left eardrum, coaxing me to pick up the right wire of my headphones from where it hung at my chest to completely drown out any other sounds around me, and ultimately give up on what i was hoping for.
truly, i couldnβt explain why i ever bothered to wait. it was so rare that he even stayed the whole span of the school day, let alone remained in the halls after most of our so-called peers were long gone. more often than not, heβd vanish like a ghost halfway through, leaving me to wonder when iβd see him again; sometimes he wouldnβt come back for days at a time. i shook my head at the ground, something like shame aching in my bonesβ this awful, puppy love was blinding my otherwise rational sense of direction, and i couldnβt stand it.
βthe pieces of jenniferβs body, found pieces of jenniferβs body..β
i rolled my eyes at my own behavior before i finally pulled myself together enough to wrap my free hand around the cold edge of the metal, locker door shielding me from the view of the rest of the hallway. but just as its old hinges began to creak, the gentle sound of thick, boot heels clicking against the white, tile floor in the distance begged for my attention. as if iβd summoned him with my doubt, there he wasβ coming just around the corner that became the near empty, dead end hallway, walking with his head down.
βjust relax, just relax, just go to sleep..β
my body stilled with every step closer he came, while he remained completely distracted by whatever was displayed across the screen of the phone in his palm. the inhale that had began its journey to my lungs halted in my throat when i watched his arctic eyes flick upwards, as if he was inspecting his peripheral vision for something he was unsure whether heβd seen. instinct forced to me to shy away when our pupils suddenly locked like opposite magnets, hiding right back behind my locker door.
very subtle, dahlia, my subconscious berated me, immediately assuming the worst of his impression of me now that iβd been caught red handed. but much to my surprise, i spotted him again out of the corner of my eyeβ taking a step out into the middle of the hall, and leaning his head just enough to the side to see me despite my attempt to camouflage myself.
heβd taken one of the wired earbuds sticking out from his backpack out, squeezing it between his black-nailed thumb and finger. i worried my heart might beat right out of my sternum when he let it fall to bounce off his chest, using his hand to gently wave at me instead.
as he came closer to what i shamefully memorized as his locker, the sheepish, side smile on his pierced mouth had almost coaxed my arm up to shyly return his silent βhelloββ only to watch it vanish off of his face when his slim body pivoted towards the row of metal doors.
it was only then that iβd seen it; the messily arranged pieces of paper littering his locker door, each one haphazardly decorated with cruel words written in permanent marker. only the most typical bullshit and name callingβ fag, kill yourself, freak, and so on. nothing particularly original or intelligent, but cruel nonetheless.
βjesus christ,β i read his lips from the distance between us as he let his head fall back for a beat, before he straightened his long neck with a huff and reached forward to destroy the evidence. the sound of paper crumbling between his palms and the frustrated, but less than shocked look painting his face told me this was far from the first time something like this had happened.
sympathy filled my bones as something gravitational pulled me towards him, desperately trying to lure me from where my feet were glued to the tile floor, and simply ask him if he was alright. iβd nearly convinced myself i was brave enough, just in time for an absolutely grating sound to enter the hallway, and send goosebumps running rampant up my spine.
βwhat, biersack? donβt like what we did with the place?β a male voice mocked in the near distance. i peeked out to see a pair of practically identical, jock-y boys i couldnβt be bothered to learn the names of stomping by andy, as if they were waiting around for him to notice their handiwork. their chuckling was like nails on a chalkboard.
a judgemental scowl touched my lips. someone should really tell these assholes itβs not fucking nineteen eighty five anymore, i thought to myself as i studied them from my hideaway, sure to not make any sudden movements or sounds.
βha. ha.β he responded with what sounded like the fakest laugh he could muster, not moving even an inch to give them the time of day, let alone make eye contact. βsuck my dick.β he hissed as he tore the last, homemade sign off of his locker, balling it up and throwing it to the ground.
my shoulders flinched hard as the unmistakable sound of a body slamming against metal filled the air, hardly but a few seconds after the words left andyβs mouth. my skin turned cold at the sight i knew i would findβ him pinned by one of his scrawny shoulders, caught between the wall and two young men much broader than him. still even, the firm expression on his pale face was unrelenting, not a stitch of fear showing in his features; only pure vexation.
βthe fuck did you say to me?β the boy with his grip wound tightly to andyβs upper arm snarled, so clearly threatened by such a small bruise on his planet-sized ego.
βyouβre right. iβm sorry,β he faked him out with a faux submission and a shake of his head, all just to double downβ βi said suck my fat cock.β he only changed his tune to become more vulgar as he leaned forward, spitting the same words right back in his face. βget the fuck off of me.β he snarled, using his free arm to shove his attacker away, but to no avail. i clamped my hand over my mouth to deaden the sound of my own gasp when i watched as a fist flew right into his face, my gut twisting at the groan that escaped his throat. βwhat the fuck.β he swore as he covered his battered nose with his hand, crimson beginning to pool into the gaps between his fingers.
βgo ahead. fucking say it again.β the young man barked after his calloused knuckles had met their target, while his clone joined in on the torment, pulling andy by the back of his t-shirt, forcing him to stand up straight again. i recoiled at the sight of the blood staining the lower half of his face as he winced in pain, somehow still holding his head high, even when it was so clear he was outnumbered.
i knew i couldnβt stomach watching another second of this awful scene go on, standing by, cowering and doing nothing to help. i had no way of knowing what would happen if i were to throw myself in the crossfire; if these two, particular boys even had enough of a moral conscious to not put their hands on a five foot nothing girl, if i got involved. but i slammed my locker door shut as loud as i could while i still had the gallβ immediately calling their attention to me instead as the sound echoed through the corridor.
the shout i was prepared to let out had barely filled my lungs when, seemingly just at the sight of me, the pair shared a quick, knowing glance, one muttering an βoh, shit,β before they threw andy to the side like a rag doll and scattered. i could hardly believe how quickly their confidence vanished. the only explanation i could muster for the panic in their eyes was that they simply werenβt smart enough to realize they werenβt alone before they cornered him. at the end of the day, the details of why didnβt matter to me; i was just relieved they were gone.
but it didnβt take long for that airy, peaceful feeling to dissipate. my legs carried me a few, audacious steps towards him as he struggled out of the ragged lean heβd been forced into against the wall of lockers.
βare you okay?β three troubled words flew from my lips as i watched him steady back onto his feet, reach up to his nose and flinch at his own touch.
his eyes, much heavier than before, flicked up towards me at the sound of my voice, with a gaze that i swore wouldβve cut right through my skin if he hadnβt turned away. swiftly, he picked up the bag that had fallen from his shoulder off of the floor, and began to walk away as if i hadnβt said anything at all; as if i wasnβt even there.
βandy,β my quiet, sympathetic call of his name had hardly touched the air before he shoulder-checked me as he pushed by, his head tucked down into his chest.
βfuck off.β my heart sunk at how he chose to dismiss me when our arms roughly collided. complete silence would have stung less. he pushed himself through the swinging, double doors at the end of the hallway and disappeared from my sight as quickly as possible. it had been a good while since iβd sincerely called to the god my parents raised me to know, but in that moment, as regret made a home in me, i prayed that i could just disappear.
he didnβt show up to school the next day, which wasnβt exactly uncharacteristic. but that little, insecure voice in my head wouldnβt go away until iβd convinced myself it was because of me. the nauseous feeling threatening my body every time my mind lingered back to the memory of the day before was enough to convince me to never even look his way again. i was too embarrassed to even just face him; i was sure iβd killed and buried the possibility of us ever exchanging as much as a word going forward.
but unfortunately for me, much like just about everything in my life around that time, things didnβt go how iβd planned them to.
for whatever reason, i couldnβt settle that friday night. the digital clock on the nightstand in my still only half-unpacked bedroom glowed a white β1:47amβ as i penned some series of melodramatic words onto a new page in my notebook. the period iβd dotted next to the single sentence iβd written had yet to dry when an explosion of noise from beyond my second floor window ruined the still tranquility of the midnightβ the distinct sound of a loud, car engine, and tires screeching as they made a last second turn.
as it often did, my curiosity got the best of me when i realized the mystery vehicleβs stereo was blasting an early afi song iβd heard no less than a hundred times before in the passenger seat of my brotherβs old pickupβ βthe boy who destroyed the world.β
i slipped off of the edge of my bed and carried myself to my window to follow the sound, pulling the curtain open with an irritated yank. i wondered who in their right mind would ever do something so obnoxious in the middle of the night, in such a terribly quiet neighborhood, no less.
nothing could have prepared me for just how cold my blood ran through my veins when my tired eyes landed on the culprit, climbing out of the front seat of his old, beat up car, far below in the driveway next door to mine.
βyouβve gotta be fucking kidding me.β i mumbled under my breath as i slumped against my window pane, trying to convince myself for even a split second that i couldβve been wrong. but his details were far too incriminating for me to have been mistaken, even from the distance between us. him and his pale skin, black clothes, and shaggy hair, splitting between his fingers as he ran his hand through his bangs. there wasnβt a doubt in my mind it was him, i just couldnβt believe it had taken me this long to noticeβ to realize that the boy whoβd been plaguing my thoughts lived all of about fifty feet from where i laid my head at night.
my pupils followed his footsteps from the second he slammed his driver side door closed, to when his image disappeared into the front doorway of his home. i pulled my curtain closed again, turning my body just enough to press my spine to the wall and slide down to the floor. i allowed the thought to cross my mind, that it couldnβt possibly get any worse than this, as i tucked my head between my knees; that surely this was the last punchline in this long, fucked up joke the universe was clearly trying to tell me.
but all it would take was one night of tossing and turning to pass for me to realize the worst had yet to comeβ when my mother, sweet and oblivious as she was, optimistically greeted me with our plans for the evening when i finally drudged downstairs that morning. weβd been invited to our next door neighborβs house for dinner, and short of faking a medical emergency, there was nothing i could do to get out of it.
which all brings me to where i found myself in the presentβ shut in the bathroom of what i could only assume was andyβs childhood home, dreading the moment he would see me. after our last interaction, there was no doubt in my mind that he hated my guts. my head was spinning in circles, dreaming up how vexed heβd be to see me in his house, of all places. i was sure iβd have to avoid even looking his way all evening, that heβd be dead staring me from across the table if i dared to lift my head during dinner. the pressure and anxiety of what iβd made myself believe was enough to make me consider staying locked behind that door for as long as i could get away with.
i could hardly make sense of my own behaviorβ why, even though i was so sure his first impression of me was completely and utterly irredeemable, that i was still staring into the same, dimly backlit mirror on the wall, overthinking even the most insignificant of my details.
why, before we arrived, iβd spent an hour throwing clothes all over the floor of my bedroom, until i had no other choice but to wear the plain outfit iβd thrown on when my mom called me downstairs to get ready to leaveβ the same pair of black, low rise skinny jeans i wore every day, and a matching henley top layered over a gray camisole. and somehow, i still walked out of the house unsure of myself.
why, if there was no point in trying to earn his favor, was i leaning against the sinktop, readjusting the dainty, silver cross pendant around my neck for the hundredth time, worrying that the nervous flush on my face was ruining the hard work iβd put into my makeup.
the why to it all may have been lost on meβ but i was self aware enough to know exactly what was motivating my obsession, even if it felt pathetic to admit it. that even though the only words heβd ever spoken to me were a vulgar rejection delivered through bloody lips and clenched teeth, i still wanted to impress him. there was something magnetic and unrelenting pulling me towards him, and all i wanted to do was turn it off.
as much as i wouldβve loved to make myself comfortable on the tile floor of that tiny, quiet bathroom and avoid everything iβd been fretting over all dayβ i was mature enough to know i couldnβt. or, at least smart enough to know i couldnβt possibly get away with it. no, instead, i had to get it together; survive the next few, suffocatingly awkward hours until i could go home, face plant into my pillows, and recover from yet another precious day of my only life, wasted in this suburban hellscape.
i gave my reflection a final glance as a long, forced inhale filled my chest and slowly escaped through my lips. with my head tucked down, i loosely wrapped my fingers around the metal doorknob and let myself back out into the hallway. my gaze glued to the floor, allowing my hazy muscle memory of the hallway to guide me on my way back to the top of the staircase.
i only managed to take a few steps forward before my peripheral vision proved itself completely useless, when i felt myself harshly collide with what i immediately knew was another bodyβ one much taller, broader than my own. the muted clatter of what i was almost positive was a cell phone falling to the carpeted floor carried itself to my ears. my arms instinctively shot up to find the balance iβd nearly lost, tragically meshing my palms against a warm chest.
βsorry!β i squeaked, mortified as i pulled my hands away, a sudden heat overwhelming my skin and shrouding me in red.
βwoahββ a deep, gravely voice filled my ears and left me with a sense of familiarity, making me realize exactly whose firm grip my tense shoulders were now caught between. βuh,β he stammered. my throat dried up and left me without a word to say when i forced my neck to hesitantly crane upwards, finding none other than the very face iβd been so nervous to see. our height difference was abysmal, certainly not helping to remedy how intimidated i already was by him; the top of my head just barely lining up with the middle of his chest. βhey.β his pierced lips opened once moreβ just one, awkward greeting from his mouth enough to worsen the already frantic beating in my sternum.
βhi.β i muttered, averting my gaze from his diamond blues, meekly holding my forearms against myself when he hadnβt yet loosened his oddly protective hold on me. the smell of spray bottle cologne and cheap cigarettes filled my senses in those brief seconds our bodies remained so closeβ a combination of scents i wouldβve probably found nothing short of nauseating just six months before, was now making my heart flutter out of control. neither of us seemed to think to move a muscle as his thumbs pressed softly into my upper arms.
βfuck, that is tonight, isnβt it?β a rhetorical question fell sharply from his tongue when he finally rid me of the feeling of his long fingers encasing my biceps. i chewed on the inside of my cheek as i took a shaky step away from the heat of his body, still unable to look anywhere but the floor. βcanβt stand it when they do this shit. as if i feel like spending my saturday night small talking with people i donβt even..β he carried on, grumbling his frustrations with his parents to the void.
his voice had begun to gently fade from me as my anxiousness draped a thin veil of static over my ears, only to be ripped away when he halted halfway through a sentence iβd barely heard. my every nerve stood at attention when he laid his hand back on my shoulder.
βwoah,β he repeated, just like before. βare you good?β he asked with a tone i was shocked to hearβ something like genuine concern.
βwhat?β i asked when my head came instinctively back up at the sensation of his touch.
βi donβt know. youβre, likeβ transparent.β he leaned down just slightly, as if to get a better look at me. βyou okay?β
all it took was those crystal eyes of his scattering over me to make me feel as if my vocal cords had been cut in half. but what had really, truly left me without words was how gentle he was being with me; the kind tone in his low voice as he made nearly the same observation my brother had just minutes before. i must really look awful, i pondered, lost in my thoughts until the moment quickly caught up to me, making me realize just how long iβd been staring up at him in complete silence. his dark brows furrowed in confusion.
βsorry,β i finally forced a response from my dry throat, searching my mind for an answer, knowing i certainly couldnβt tell the truthβ that he made me so humiliatingly nervous. βi have, uh, low iron. like, if i stand up too fast, i get dizzy, βn stuff.β my line of sight fell to my own hands as i murmured a half-lie; something true, but completely irrelevant to the situation.
βdo you need to, like, sit down, or something? my roomβs right there.β his misguided, yet gracious offer brought my attention right back up to him in a silent panic, my pupils bounding between him and the cracked open doorway he was motioning towards. i could just barely see inside from where i was stood, enough to spot the countless posters covering the walls, and an unmade bed.
βno, iβm fine. really.β i shook my head, delusively hoping heβd missed the subtle crack to my timbre when my lips formed the word βno.β βbesides, i should probably.. get back down there.β i spared him the extra details; specifically the ones about how my dad would undoubtedly have both of our heads if i was gone long enough for him to put the pieces togetherβ that i was not only talking to the boy heβd been condemning hardly a half hour before, but that i was alone with him, in his bedroom.
for a fleeting second, i thought iβd found an out, as i tucked my head back down and took a step towards the staircase.
βdahlia, wait.β my name suddenly on his tongue would have been more than enough to paralyze me on its own, but coupled with how his outstretched hand wound around my bicep and tugged me effortlessly back into him, i was sure my heart skipped a beat.
i peered up at him, wide eyed, with my bottom lip caught between my teeth. his grip on my arm loosened, as if heβd regretted being so forward. yet, he still had my full attention squeezed tightly between his fingers.
βuh,β his voice stalled as his hand hesitantly fell away from me. βcould we.. talk? like, just for a second?β
despite how my better judgement screamed in my ear the moment i heard what heβd asked of me, he got me behind that door with ease.
my eyes danced around the four, excessively decorated walls now surrounding me as i slowly sat down on the very edge of his bed. i waited patiently as he turned off the misfits song playing on his stereo, folding my hands in my tightly wound lap.
βokay, uh,β my pulse sped right back up at the gentle sound of his sigh, just as i had begun to convince myself to relax. he seemed to purposefully avoid looking my way as he turned back in my direction, his fingers coursing through the strands of midnight on his head. he loosely crossed his arms as he leaned his lower back against the edge of the desk behind him. βhereβs the deal..β he stalled, as if he hadnβt quite come up with the words yet.
he let his head slightly back as he quietly breathed out, like something was weighing too heavy on his mind for him to hold it upright. when his spine straightened, our eyes met just like they had in the hall that day, the last time iβd seen his faceβ instantaneously, and unavoidably.
we both grew rigid for a moment, staring back at the other, equally in wait, until he finally turned his head. i felt like i could breathe for those mere seconds in between, before his footsteps carried him to meet me at the edge of his bed, creating his own dent in the comforter beneath us when he sat by my side. his hands folded into each other to make a fist and laid between his slightly open thighs as he gazed upon me, a look i was hesitant to recognize as shame taking over his expression.
βi just wanted to say sorry for being such a dick the other day.β his deep voice carried a sound so soft and genuine, that i could hardly believe what i was hearing. his eyes fell from mine once again as i silently questioned my intuition. βi donβt know what it is about you that has me feelinβ all guilty βn shit, but,β he grumbled, only to stop short when his head lifted back to my level, his adams apple bobbing as his lips briefly sealed shut. βum,β he stammered. βyou didnβt do anything to deserve that. telling you to fuck off, βn everything. i know you were just trying to be nice.β
his knee bounced as he recounted the moment that had been playing in my head for days now; one i was shocked he even remembered. i never would have imagined heβd been carrying it around himself.
βjust not exactly a huge boost to my ego to get, like, kind of saved from a fight by a girl half my size. i was a little embarrassed, if you can understand that.β he muttered to the black nails on his fingertips before our pupils glued together once more. βbut i shouldnβt have snapped at you. iβm sorry. i mean it.β
for a breath or two, i could hardly open my mouth; the nightmare scenario iβd created in my head leading up to that evening had crumbled and turned to dust right before my eyes in just a matter of seconds. and i hadnβt a clue what to make of it. but as those seconds continued to pass, he was watching me, waiting. i had to spit something out.
βitβs okay.β i said. he subtly shook his head at the two, merciful words before theyβd even fully formed on my lips.
βyeah, except itβs really not. but i appreciate you saying it, anyway.β he graciously refused my forgiveness, like he was sure he didnβt deserve it. little did he know, that in my mind, his slate was wiped clean the second he uttered that first βsorry.β
our meshed silence permeated the already quiet room, a thick tension i couldnβt put a name to settling between us like a third body. the sound of my own heartbeat in my ear had become terribly noticeable, only growing more frantic when i caught the round, inky centers of his cloudy blues dancing from my eyes to my shaky mouth, and back again. i knew i mustβve looked like a deer in the headlightsβ completely frozen every time he looked so closely at me.
βum,β that stutter i swore iβd heard him mumble a hundred times now fell from his lips as he pivoted his neck away. βthatβs it, i guess.β despite how the words he spoke said the opposite, something in his heavy exhale told me that he was carrying the weight of so much more than what heβd admitted. βjust felt like i needed to say that. sorry i held you up.β he chattered, softly, before suddenly pushing himself back onto his feet. βyou can go if you want. join everyone else.β he wandered back to the messy tabletop across the room, turning away from me to mindlessly flick through the stack of cds next to his stereo. βmaybe let my mom know iβd literally rather slit my own throat thanββ
i assumed that his grumbling wouldβve ended with some damnation of our familyβs shared plans for the evening, but i just couldnβt seem to keep my mouth shut. βdoes this happen a lot?β i asked, my voice shockingly overpowering his enough to stop him in his tracks. his shoulder turned just a touch, so he could look behind himself.
βwhat?β his dark brows wrinkled, his confused tone making me wish i couldβve just kept my thoughts to myselfβ but there was no turning back now.
βthe fighting.β i explained, briefly. βdoes it happen a lot?β
an amused scoff immediately left him when i repeated myself. βcalling getting my ass handed to me βfightingβ is pretty generous.β the ironic, half grin on his face faded slowly when i didnβt move an inch, like heβd caught on to just how earnest i was being. βuh,β he cleared his throat. βi donβt exactly go looking for it, but.. yeah. yeah, i guess.β that self-conscious timbre of his from the minutes now behind us returned. βwhy?β he questioned, sharply, as if such a small amount of sympathy was something so foreign to him.
βi donβt know.β i lied through my teeth, eyes shying away to my palms as they laid atop my knees. but he saw right through my faked indifference.
βdonβt waste your time worrying about me, fawn.β he verbally pushed me away, catching me completely off guard with the sound of my last name, enough to persuade my hung head back up. no one had ever called me that before. βgod knows youβd be lonely in that.β he grumbled under his breath, instilling a sad, sinking feeling in me. βin fact, if youβre ever around to see something like that happen againβ do me a favor and just look the other way.β he commanded. βi shouldnβt have taken it out on you, but you shouldnβt have tried to get involved like you did.β he wouldnβt even glance my way, as he pried open the red and black alkaline trio cd between his hands and placed the disc in the player. βyou got lucky. you donβt know those guys. theyβre not above much.β
the harsh rhythm of his words reduced me to silence for a beat. βokay.β i finally muttered, not much louder than a mouse. βiβm sorry.β the first track to the record faintly began to play as i studied the pattern of his bedroom floor.
βyou donβt have to apologize, justβ hey.β the strict tone carrying every syllable he spoke seemed to disappear, just before i could feel his presence slowly drawing near again. βiβm not, like, mad at you, or anything. i just,β he filled the space heβd left on my side, shaking his head as he sat just a touch closer to me than before. βi donβt need anyone to defend my honor, okay?β something almost like a smile threatened his lips, but faded quickly. ββspecially not a little thing like you.β his eyes scanned me up and down, making the blood rush to my cheeks without a touch of mercy. βwouldβve weighed on my conscious like crazy if youβd gotten hurt.β
i blinked slowly with a gentle nod, to mutely tell him i understood when the words heβd used to describe me robbed me of any of my own. as if the warmth of his sincerity hadnβt already melted me right into the palm of his hand, his arm carefully raised from his side, guiding his fingers to delicately graze my flushed face, and push the loose strands of blue behind my ear.
βthe colorβs coming back to your face a bit, i think.β he observed with an innocence to his tone; one i had a hard time believing. either he knew exactly what he was doing, or he was truly just the most oblivious, socially unaware person iβd ever met.
βyeah. uh,β iβd almost forgotten about the fib iβd come up with after our collide in the hallway. βgood.β i muttered, touching my own fingertips to the spot his hand had brushed on my cheek. βis, umβ is your nose alright?β i quickly changed the subject.
βoh,β he breathed a sardonic sort of laugh. βyeah. that looked a lot worse than it was. still a little sore, but, yβknow.β he shrugged his shoulders and my concern off, his ironic grin returning to a flat line. βwhatever.β
βitβs not βwhatever.ββ i quietly protested, his eyebrows immediately scrunching up at me. βitβs not fair that they treat you like that.β
βright. iβm gonna let you in on a fun, little secret about lifeββ he chuckled at me again. βnothingβs fucking fair.β his cynicism showed its face again. βiβm not gonna sit around and wallow because a couple of idiots have an issue with the way i present myself. i donβt need their approval, nor do i want it.β
βi get that, but,β i breathed out. βdonβt you think you should say something?β the memory of the two on one clash iβd bared witness to replayed behind my eyes.
βto whoβ? a teacher?β he questioned, looking back at me like i had three heads. βyouβd be hard pressed to find anyone in that place that would take my side. iβm not really what youβd call a star student.β i couldnβt exactly argue with him; the empty seat he often left in the classes we shared was enough to prove him right. βbesides, i donβt need any of those assholes thinking theyβre getting to me. you canβt give power to people like that. thatβs what they want. theyβll get whatβs coming to them eventually.β
i didnβt bicker with him any further, coming to know even in the brief time weβd been speaking just how stubborn he was; it might have been a better use of my time to run repeatedly into a brick wall. but it mustβve shown on my face just how unconvinced i still was, a light sigh separating his lips before he spoke again.
βbut i think itβs very sweet that you care so much.β he leaned his head down just a hair and hushed his voice, as if he was trying to meet me at my level. he paused for a beat, his cold eyes covering my skin in goosebumps as they wandered up and down my image another time. βeven if i canβt really figure out why.β
βi donβt blame you for walking away. iβd do the same if i saw me. i swear itβs not contagious,β matt skibaβs faint vocals were the only thing breaking the soundlessness of the room, while that same sensation of disbelief i felt when he touched me fought for my attention. i thought i was being so terribly transparent, that there was no way he couldnβt see right through the sheer disguise iβd been hiding my feelings behind. my lips parted as we both drowned in the same, awkward silence, but my tongue just couldnβt seem to catch up with my brain.
βwhat?β he questioned, softly, as if i might scatter like a frightened animal if he raised his voice back to a normal volume.
βhowβd you know my name?β he coaxed me to blurt out whatβd been plaguing my mind, the sound of his airy chuckle making me feel silly for asking.
βyou knew mine, didnβt you?β his one sided grin returned, coupled with a slight crinkle of the pale skin between his brows. i didnβt answer, a bit embarrassed by the reality of this truth; the one he wasnβt aware of. βfawn, you sit next to me in lit every day, and you have blue hair.β he continued, as if every word he said was so glaringly obvious; that i wasnβt nearly as invisible as i assumed i was to him. βi guess iβve noticed you a few times.β his tone changedβ naturally, but completelyβ to a sound so pillowy and genuine, but so open ended.
the smugness in his smile seemed to fade the longer his words simmered, replaced by something more tender. i felt the hot redness iβd been trying to keep away seeping through my cheeks as he subtly bit at his bottom lip, toying with the metal ring that decorated it. he gazed at me through heavy eyelids, unrelentingly, as if there was anything out of the ordinary to see. it was like his eyes had turned to giant, blue stage lights, shining down on my face and exposing my every feature to their glow.
i couldnβt help but timidly bow my head and shift in my seat, unsure of what to do with my body as i stared at my hands and overanalyzed his wordsβ wondering what exactly βnoticingβ me entailed.
βso,β my nerves stood at attention when he erased the touch of distance iβd put between us, scooting a bit closer to face me instead of sitting rigidly shoulder to shoulder like we had been. βyouβre from portland?β his leg bent up and laid flat on the bed, while he rested his elbow on his knee and leaned just a hair forward.
βuh,β i stuttered, taken aback not only by his question, but how leveled our faces had become. βyeah. yeah.β i nodded, knotting my fingers together as i glanced between him and my lap.
βand..β that borderline devilish curl on the end of his lips reappeared, arriving alongside a confused squint and scrunch of his brows. βwhat exactly gave your parents the million dollar idea to move to bumfuck, ohio?β
βoh my god,β those three, exasperated words seem to flow more naturally than anything iβd managed to say all evening. βmy, uhβ my dad grew up about fifteen minutes from here.β i let my lashes grace my cheeks as i gathered the details of oh-so my tragic backstory. βbut when he went to school in oregon and met my mom, his dad made him promise that when he died, heβd come back home and take over the family business. and, uh,β i sighed. βhe had a pretty massive heart attack in november and didnβt make it, so.β i couldnβt mask my bitterness, even if i wanted to. βhere we are, i guess.β
βah. iβm sorry i said anything.β my head perked up a bit when he put his tail between his legs, as if what heβd asked was so insensitive.
βdonβt be.β i quipped, not so reluctant to speak ill of the dead in this particular case. βhe was awful. just another bigoted, old, catholic, white guy.β i shut my mouth while i still had the control to, knowing just how long i could grumble of my resentments for that man if i didnβt hold my tongue.
βdamn.β he laughed through his nose, grinning like he wasnβt expecting me to be so curt. βalright. fuck βem, then.β
βyeah.β i almost felt myself relax enough to smile when he immediately took my side. βi just wish he wouldβve waited a little longer to drop dead so i couldβve had a choice in all of this. like, leaving everything iβve ever known.β the slight grin that had touched my lips faded when i reminded myself of the heartbeat to my troubles as of late. βand to come here of all places. my mom keeps saying i just need to give it time, but,β i fidgeted with my own fingers. βi donβt know how tβexplain it. itβs so lonely. feels like iβm standing on the outside of everything looking in, or something.β
i rambled, feeling uncharacteristically transparent until i straightened my neck, finding him exactly where iβd left him; looking over me so attentively, like he might miss something if he dared to glance away.
βiβm sorry,β i backtracked under my breath when he didnβt break the lull of quiet that lingered after my rant. βyou didnβt ask to hear all of that.β my eyes fell right back to my hands, embarrassed that iβd let that much of myself show.
βno, iββ he tried to interject.
βit makes a lot more sense in my head.β i continued to try to justify my melancholy, stopping short when he beat me at my own game, speaking right over my insistent voice with a gentle call of my surname.
βfawn,β he won back both my attention and my silence when he naturally shifted closer. βitβs fine. you donβt have to keep, likeβ apologizing for existing.β
for such a softly spoken string of words, their sentiment hit me like a brick. i stared back at him like my eyes like little planets, frozen in place with nowhere to look but straight into the mirror heβd effortlessly held up to me.
βbesides,β he went on before i could fully process the feeling heβd saddled me with. βi know how you feel. really. you have no idea.β he assured me of his empathy, the color of his voice enough to convince even my always so skeptical head.
the black circles that centerpieced his icy blues jumped up and down the features of my face, just like before; as if he had to force himself to look in my eyes, instead of whatever was distracting him below my nose. i almost thought to probe him about it, before he abruptly cleared his throat, sitting up just a touch from the relaxed position heβd settled into.
βso, uhβ what did he do?β he changed the subject with a question that left me lost for a moment. βthis family business.β he elaborated. βmust be important shit if your dad moved you all halfway across the country for it.β
i scoffed when i finally understood. βnot exactly. itβs just a funeral home.β
βoh, well. thatβs kinda cool, at least.β he replied in a oddly optimistic manner.
βwhat?β i couldnβt stop the light laugh that escaped me fast enough.
βi donβt know, likeβ in a creepy sorta way.β he quickly defended himself, joining in on the giggle i was trying to suppress; needless to say, never in my life had i thought to try to see the bright side in my fatherβs work with dead people.
βif learning everything thatβs gonna happen to your body once you die while youβre trying to eat dinner is the kind of thing youβre into. then, uh. yeah. totally.β i reduced my laugh to a little grin as i played along. βitβs not nearly as addams family as it sounds.β
βgotcha.β he pressed his lips back together to form that heartbreaker smile of his. βwe donβt have to keep talking about your family.β those nine words wouldβve been a breath of a relief, if it wasnβt for the eight that followed them. βiβd honestly much rather know more about you.β his husky voice seemed to purposefully soften as he gave me yet another once over, only slower this time, easily rewaking the butterflies resting in my stomach.
βthereβs really not much to know.β my usual timidity suddenly returned to me as i slipped away from the eye contact iβd been managing to hold with him. if there was anything i hated talking about more than myself, i had yet to discover it.
βcβmon. i know thatβs not true.β he pushed, obviously not willing to take my passive no as an answer. βi mean, at the risk of sounding like a total creep, i passed by everettβs room while you were playing the other day.β the cold chill of anxiety fell over me when our school choir teacherβs name left him. βthatβs somethinβ to know, isnβt it?β
βi guess so.β i muttered, somewhat ignoring his faithful attempts to keep our conversation alive, as every little mistake i could recall making on that piano bench in just the last week rushed over my thoughts like a tsunami wave. every missed key, every cramp in my fingers, every un-memorized note, every twinge of pain running up my spine and shoulders. just the thought that he may have been listening, watching me when i was too in my head to realize i wasnβt alone stained my cheeks scarlet.
βyou guess so?β the sound of his disbelief miraculously lured me to face him again, looking up to find him gaping at me, as if i was speaking a language heβd never heard. βi thought she was playing a fuckinβ beethoven cd or something the first time i heard you.β he doubled down, but i still wasnβt convinced he wasnβt just exaggerating to flatter me. βyou donβt have to act so humble. youβre really good.β
i fought myself to not visibly cringe at the sound of those two, seemingly harmless words he ended his compliment with, opting instead to fake half a smile, before returning to my gloomy stare at the floor.
βsorry. did i say something wrongβ?β he asked, tenderly, as he leaned in to try to get a look at me from behind my hair; he saw right through my act, as if i hadnβt even tried to pretend in the first place.
βno,β i answered, a sigh much like a gasp for air pushing its way out of my teeth. βitβs not you. itβs justβ my dad is literally always saying βno one gets into julliard on really good.β that i need to be, like, exceptional if i want to end up anywhere worth being.β i repeated my fatherβs criticisms nearly verbatim, watching from the side as that puzzled crinkle reappeared between his brows. βjust a little ironic, is all.β
βuse whatever word you want.β he joked. βyouβre, like, crazy talented. i think he oughta give you a bit of a break.β
βi donβt know. heβs kind of right, iββ i winced at the faint sting coming from my left, ring finger, looking down to find where iβd unconsciously ripped into the skin around my cuticle with my nail and accidentally drawn blood; a stress induced habit iβd always had, and could never seem to shake. βi could always be better.β i made two, loose fists to hide the little, fresh wound and all of the slightly healed, red spots on my other nailbeds. βwork harder.β
the quiet that followed after i pushed him away for the last time was thick, the look of pity he was giving me creeping up the side of my body like a spider when i refused to glance his way to fully see it.
βjulliard, huh?β he mercifully shifted the conversation, earning the smallest nod from me. βis that the dream?β
βsort of, yeah. lately itβs feeling more like the expectation.β i replied, pessimisticly wearing my heart on my sleeve. if he wouldβve asked me the same question even just a year prior, i probably would have perked up and talked his ear off; rambled about how iβd fantasized about it since i was small. but realism had been catching up to me, and the dread that iβd fail began to cloud my childlike hope.
βfrom him?β he asked, dimly. i could hear the disdain for who he would continue to not so affectionately refer to as him building in his voice even then; before i knew just how much more hate his tongue could hold.
βitβs not that i donβt want it too.β i didnβt answer him directly. i felt we both already knew. βbecause i do. you have no idea. itβs justββ a heavy exhale left me, one that belonged to someone much older, much more weathered than i. βi know he pushes me because he wants me to be successful, but itβs a lot of pressure sometimes. kind of sucks the fun out of playing.β
βi mean, yeah. i can imagine.β he agreed. βthatβs a pretty heavy weight to put on a kid. they donβt let much of anyone into that place.β
βiβm aware.β my saddened reply left me through a near whisper, as my stomach sunk at the sound of my own, defeatist thoughts spoken from another mouth.
βiβm not saying you couldnβt do it.β he corrected himself, digging his heels into his opinion just like before. βactually, i think you have the talent part down. i just,β i couldnβt open my mouth fast enough to water down his blind confidence in me before he went on. βi donβt know. i canβt picture someone like you living in new york. feel like the city would eat you alive, or something.β
the hairs on the back of my neck instantly stood at attention, as if my body knew my brain was being challenged. his words provoked not only my ego, but also my spine, forcing it to straighten enough for me to leer at him through narrowed eyes.
βwhatβs that supposed to mean?β i asked, firmly, only growing hotter when he so obviously had to stop himself from laughing in my face.
βfawn,β he tried to withhold his smile, his cadence full of doubt, like he couldnβt believe i didnβt already know what he was thinking. still, i waited for him to answer, brows pinching as i tightly crossed my arms to show i was serious. but from the patronizing look he was giving me, you wouldβve thought i was a puppy showing its baby teeth. βyouβre so shy. itβs pretty kill or be killed there. donβt yβthink?β
βiβve lived in a city my whole life. iβm pretty sure iβd learn my way around.β i stood my ground, wrinkling my nose and holding eye contact with him, despite how he continued to chuckle at me.
βokay, big girl. that doesnβt change the fact that youβre, like, three feet tall.β he quipped, taunting me as his laughter melted in a sly, knowing smirk, his eyes studying me. βnot to mention probably ninety pounds soaking wet. someone could just throw you over their shoulder and carry you away if they wanted to.β
βthat is notββ
βi literally didnβt see you when you fell into me earlier. youβre, like, completely out of my field of vision.β he proudly spoke over my attempt to defend myself, measuring out the distance between the top of our heads with his hand, as if i couldnβt see it clear as day.
βfirst of all, iβm five foot and a half. thatβs only, like, three inches below average.β finally, i cut in, literal as always, as i reached up to push his arm down from where it hovered above me. i knew i was giving him exactly what he wanted, a reaction, but i just couldnβt help myself.
βoh, is it?β he asked, so purposefully condescending, like he couldnβt even pretend to take me seriously. βreally hanging onto that half inch for dear life, arenβt you?β i tried to ignore the obvious bait he was dangling in my face, but with the way he raised his brows, chewed on his grin and tilted his head at me, i couldnβt resist biting down.
βiβve met plenty of people that are shorter than me.β i argued.
βwell, yeah. i mean,β he paused, as if he was going to throw me a bone. βiβm pretty sure everyoneβs met small childrenββ
βoh, fuck off.β instinct forced my hand forward, my palm harshly shoving at his shoulder, enough to make him flinch back. his eyes blew up wide on impact, a laugh so warm and full leaving him as he touched his hand to the spot of the blow.
βoh my god. itβs, like, babyβs first cuss word.β he didnβt waver for a second, completely unfazed by my efforts to push him away. "i guess i kinda had that one coming, huh?β he asked, answered only by my silence. βaw, what? are you mad at me now?β his sarcastic condolence carried itself to my ears when i let the seconds roll by without saying another word. his knuckles gently but repeatedly pressed into the side of my arm, pestering me until i budged.
βyouβre being a jerk.β i grumbled when i finally, blindly swatted at his hand, turning my head away to avoid his gaze when his teasing painted me cherry red. i nervously pulled on the ends of my long sleeves, any amount of ease iβd found since iβd walked in that room dissipating. how quickly our conversation derailed to circle around something i quietly hated about myself made my stomach twist in knots.
βiβm just fucking with you, fawn.β he defended his innocence as i sat up uncomfortably straight, beginning to shift further away from him, only to glance to my side and realize there was no bed left to move to. βyouβre small. itβs not a bad thβ oh, cβmon. where are you going?β he asked through a half laugh as soon as my shoes hit the floor, although something like disappointment seemed to interrupt his cockiness when i didnβt stop moving.
βmy parents are probably wondering i am.β i quickly made up an excuse, avoiding the temptation to glance his way when he called out to me.
maybe this is it, i thought to myself as his voice turned to white noise behind me, and i set my sights on the closed door across the bedroom. maybe this is what i was looking for, the fatal flaw of his that would finally kill the insufferable feeling in my body every time he did something as simple as look me in the eye. that he was fucking annoyingβ like a little brother who just couldnβt help but pick at you, prodding at the most vulnerable, insecure parts just to get you to fight back. god knows i got enough of that at home; i had no desire to subject myself to something so pointless and juvenile.
iβd almost fully convinced myself of this quickly made conclusion of mine when iβd made it about two steps away from the edge of his queen sized bed, only to feel the unmistakable grip of his hand wind tightly around my wrist.
βdahlia,β his husky, suddenly kind voice drawled, a sound one would think so simple slowing down time around me.
his repetitive uttering of my last name had little to no effect on me; iβd never learned to identify with that four letter word my father gifted my brother and i. but the way he smoothly pronounced my name, the one that was truly mine, was killing me slowly. like he considered every syllable, as if he savored the way they tastedβ dah-li-aβ like his lips were fighting to say βdarlingβ instead. i couldβve fallen right into his arms from that alone, but the universe had something much more ironic in mind.
my foggy brain caught up with reality as he seamlessly spun me back around to face him, like i was made of nothing but the oxygen i breathed. unfortunately for my pride, i wasnβt anywhere near as graceful as i was light, instantly gasping when he yanked on my arm and nearly tripping over my own feet. my free hand stuck a rough landing on his shoulder when i felt myself falling and searching for balance, while his opposite palm steadied me by the curve of my waist. that smug, little grin of his sheepishly fought for a place on his mouth as his wide eyes stared up at me.
βiβm sorry. iβll stop.β he promised, reluctantly taking his hands off of my body and ridding me of the warmth of his touch. βplease donβt go.β
his soft plea made me bite down on my tongue and instinctively turn my head away. my arms crossed over my chest in defense, but my feet stayed glued right where they wereβ stilling my figure between his open legs.
βi wasnβt trying tβhurt your feelings, or anything.β i could see him shaking his head out of the corner of my eye as he went on. βyouβre just,β a grin instantly reappeared on his lips when i snuck a glance at him, a breathy kind of laugh slipping out of them. βyouβre real fuckinβ cute when youβre mad. i couldnβt help myself.β he tilted his chin up at me, like the evidence of his excuse was right in front of him.
as if his words werenβt enough to make me shake, his hands lifted just enough to grace my hips as he spoke them, caressing the curve in my jeans with his thumbs; so naturally, like he knew that i wouldnβt mind. if i didnβt know better, i wouldβve thought my heart completely stopped beating for a moment. a disgruntled look painted my expression as i turned my jaw completely away, scrunching up my nose, lips and brows in utter frustration.
just like that, i thought. one, little apology, a couple blinks of those stupid, blue eyes, and a simple compliment, and i wasnβt mad at him anymore. not even a little. what the hell is wrong with me?
βcβmon. donβt give me that face.β his smile slowly turned to a straight line as he muttered, downturning his brows and tugging on the black hoop threading through his bottom lip with his teeth.
with a great deal of hesitance, i looked him in the eye, only holding firm for about three seconds before i was covering my blushing face with my hands and letting out a sound that was almost involuntary; a groan of pure, genuine exasperation with myself.
βwhat? what did i do?β his laughter immediately followed the noise i made as i hid in the darkness behind my palms. βwhy do you keep hiding?β he questioned, not allowing me to break out of his hold on my middle.
βbecause! youββ i exclaimed, stopping short when i made the grave mistake of allowing my arms to relax just enough that i could see his face; gazing at me with that relaxed, naturally sly look in his frozen blues. βugh.β i hurriedly shielded my eyes again when iβd seen all the proof i needed. βyou keep looking at me like that.β i lamented, getting the brilliant idea to try to pull away from him a second too late.
a little squeak escaped my lips when i felt his grasp on me smoothly shift up, pulling me right back into place by the curved center of my body and startling me enough to make me naturally lower my arms. my pupils bounded down, the single glimpse i caught of his hands around the center of my waist almost taking my breath from meβ the tips of his thumbs nearly met one another as his long fingers spread on the small of my back, holding me right where he wanted me to stay. if i couldβve found even an ounce of nerve or self respect, i wouldβve reprimanded him; scolded him for throwing me around like a rag doll. but there was something about it, the mere sight of how much bigger he was than me in just about every way, that left me barely able to open my mouth.
βlookinβ at you like what?β there was a gentle earnestness in his heavy voice as he asked me to explain myself, tilting his jaw up to trap me in eye contact. and for a second in time, i believed it; that he couldβve been just blind enough to not see right through me. but the longer he eyed me, slowly and subtly caressing the fabric of my top with the pads of his thumbs, the corner of his mouth twitched upwards, until he could no longer hold a straight face. in a matter of seconds, his guilt was written all over his details, but i was sure he felt no remorse. he fucking knew.
the bridge of my nose scrunched hard, hellfire spreading over my cheeks as he smirked so knowingly at me. βoh, you littleββ my fist flew at his right shoulder, shutting my mouth before the first, vulgar name i could think to call him fell from it.
βhey, now.β he chuckled, lifting his left hand off of my torso to touch the spot iβd hit twice now on his opposite arm, taking the punch in stride.
βyou know exactly what youβre doing.β pushing his other arm away, i finally broke out of the spot he had me locked in, opening up the space between us and turning my back to him for the sake of my sanity. i was so unbearably hot with embarrassment, i wondered if iβd actually start to see steam pouring from my head and into the air around us.
βyeah, i..β his laughter faded as he began to admit exactly what iβd accused him of. βiβve honestly kind of,β he hesitated, like he wasnβt sure whether he should finish the sentence heβd started. βknown the whole time.β his volume fell, the quietest of his words earning the most of my attention.
a cold feeling ran through my body at the speed of light. βwhat?β my voice cracked just enough to be noticeable as i warily looked over my shoulder, finding a half smile on his pierced mouth and a sympathetic gloss over his eyes.
βthat youβve,β he paused, treading lightly, as if he still wasnβt entirely confident in what was about to roll off his tongue. βgot a little thing for me. βn you obviously donβt really know how tβfeel about it.β
βohββ my head lowered right back into the safety net of my hands, as i slowly caved into myself, blushing violently and thinking this is it. this is what it feels like to burn alive.
βokay, maybe i havenβt known, necessarily.β he spoke just loud enough that i could hear him over the sound of my own distress.
ββmy god.β
βhad a pretty strong suspicion is probably more accurateβ whatβre you doing?β he kept on talking to himself until he noticed me melting down to the ground next to the foot of his bed, laughing at me as i tucked my legs to my chest, draped my arms over my knees and buried my face into them.
βiβm think iβm gonna throw up.β my muffled voice freely admitted, now that i was sure i had nothing worldly left to lose.
βfawn,β his amused sounds grew softer, briefly turning to a warm coo of my name.
βthe whole time?β i completely ignored his call, repeating his words back to him, speaking into the sleeves of my shirt.
βwell,β he paused, pondering for a moment before he answered with what i was sure was the most blunt turn of phrase he could think of. βwhenever you started staring at me all the time, i guess.β i lifted my head just enough to flash my mortified stare at him. βyeah. you havenβt exactly mastered the art of subtlety yet, there, mozart.β he joked, hardly finishing his sentence before i was right back to hiding in my own legs. βi mean, honestly, i thought for sure youβd be totally over me after the other day. but then you came in here all squirmy βn shitββ
βoh my god.β my neck turned harshly to rest my temple against my kneecaps, much too humiliated to show even an inch of myself. βyou must think iβm such a freak.β i murmured, frozen in place and fixated on the countless posters on the rightmost wall of the bedroom. afi. the sisters of mercy. the misfits. dropkick murphys. social distortion. motley crue. alkaline trio. alkaline trio. alkaline trioβ band names echoed and repeated in my head, distracting from the sound of the bedframe shifting behind me.
βi donβt think you realize,β he breathed a faint huff as he made his way down to my level, brushing my shoulder with his own as he settled at my side. βjust how weird youβd have to be for me to think that.β
his words briefly soothed the third degree burns on my self-esteem, tempting me to look his way again, but i couldnβt seem to muster the bravery. i only budged to set my chin on top of the arm rested on my knee, sealing my lips shut as if he hadnβt said anything at all.
βcould you just look at me for a second?β he tried to reel me in gently again.
even completely turned away, i could feel his eyes digging into my skull. but i refused to move an inch to acknowledge him, leaving only the sound of the stereo on the other side of the room to keep him company. a little, weighted breath escaped him when enough time had passed to make it obvious that i wasnβt going to be the one to concede.
βyou know what? yeah.β he broke the near silence iβd created. βyouβre right. i take it back. youβre a total weirdo.β there was something so temporarily convincing about his tone, i almost started to unravel my legs and come to my feet. but the next line he dropped held me in place. βi mean, really. a girl as pretty as you, giving a guy like me the time of day. thereβs gotta be something seriously fuckinβ wrong with you.β
suddenly, his voice was like a magnet, instantly luring all of my attention right back into the palm of his hand. still, my heart was uncertain, hammering against my sternum at a pace so unfamiliar. meekly, i turned to face him again. he tilted his head just enough to get a look at me as it relaxed back against the edge of the mattress, a coy grin growing on his lips.
that first comment heβd made was lighthearted enough to brush off; to not assume he meant anything beyond surface level by it. βyouβre real fuckinβ cute when youβre mad,β his voice rang in my head. iβd convinced myself he must have meant it in an ironic sort of senseβ cute, like a small animal, or so impossible to take seriously, it was almost cute. i could ignore cute. i could even ignore the way he gently palmed the black denim hugging my hips when he uttered the word. but there was just no escaping the intent in βa girl as pretty as you.β
βyou got an extra toe, or something?β he softly nudged the side of my foot with the front of his shoe when iβd gone blank and didnβt respond, startling me enough to shake me back into reality.
βwhat?β i asked, my voice hushed from being out of use.
βsome other type of deformity i canβt see?β his hand loosely wrapped around my forearm, picking it up and tipping his head to the side, as if he was trying to get a closer look to find something out of place.
βno.β i easily slipped my wrist out of his grip, furrowing my brows as the most delicate laugh teased my vocal cords, my body still apprehensive to trust him. he echoed me, visibly adoring the way i reacted to his perpetually tongue-in-cheek way of speaking.
βso,β he carefully approached the stillness that followed our shared, quiet laughter, a touch more solemn than heβd been acting before. βare we, like,β he stalled. βon the same page now?β his voice faded into a mutter as his relaxed eyes fixated on me, dashing to a new detail of my face after every few words. βor are you really gonna make me spell it out?β
i blinked, absentmindedly squeezing my own fingers and chewing one side of my bottom lip close to raw. even if i was almost certain of what he wanted me to say, i couldnβt push it past my teeth. that little bit of doubt kept me right in my mute, comfort zone, staring back at him like i simply didnβt know any better.
βcβmon.β he just about whispered, his pupils shamelessly stilling on my lips for a few, long seconds. those two, slightly dilated, black circles distracted me long enough to keep me from noticing his hand moving towards my left cheek. βyou canβt possibly be that innocent.β he tucked the other side of my hair he hadnβt yet touched behind my ear, leaving my undoubtedly flushed face completely on display.
my consciousness cursed my mouth when it refused to do anything but lay slightly open, every thought in my head that couldβve turned into a response halting halfway through my throat. the overwhelming, bumping noise in my ear returned as his fingers brushed my jaw, only overtaken by that little word he called me repeating in my mind. innocentβ something i was beginning to think he was surely far from.
βthis wonβt take long, you said. go wait in the car. go wait in the car..β the outro to the fourth track of the cd he had spinning chased a bit of the awkward silence away, but couldnβt even begin to touch the tension between our lingering stares at one another. it wasnβt until then, in the stillness between songs, that i truly took in just how much closer heβd gotten. any space left between our bodies had been erased, aside from the few inches that remained between our faces. his breath faintly warmed my cheek when his lips began to open again, the anticipation of what might leave them tying my stomach in a thousand, little knots.
but suddenly, like thunder waking me out of my sleepβ exactly five, loud knocks sounded from the opposite side of the bedroom door. i nearly jumped out of my skin, while the boy on my side merely shut his eyes and grimaced at the sound, reluctantly turning his head to face the doorway.
βandy, your momβs called you about ten times. we have company. come downstairs.β his fatherβs disembodied voice ordered from the hall, instantly painting his face in complete annoyance.
βyeah, okay. sure.β the back of his skull tapped the bedframe as he raised his volume, enough for his irritated reply to slide over the threshold. the sound of heavy footsteps from outside of the room grew further away until they dissolved entirely, leaving us to sit in the partial silence we were surrounded by before. i heard him release a hushed, but audibly frustrated breath as i carefully unraveled my legs from the tight hold iβd had them in, watching my hands as i set them in my lap.
βi put it all on black, no color youβre all dressed in..β a new collection of guitar riffs, drum patterns and vocals resonated from the right half of the room as i frowned at the dried blood staining the edge of my ring finger. βand a stab in the back left you bleeding on the floor.β i peeked just enough to my side to find him with his eyes back open, solemnly and thoughtfully scanning me.
a hint of a grin sat on the corner of his mouth when i turned my head fully back to him. βsorry.β he quietly apologized, as if he was the one who gave me such a scare. βif itβs any consolation, iβd way rather sit on this hard ass floor with you all night.β he pulled on my heartstrings with his baritone, no rush to his words as they spread a gentle warmth across my face.
a faint smile tugged at the edge of my lips, but the timidity he effortlessly brought out in me forced my eyes back down. only a few seconds passed before the sound of his legs shuffling alerted me again. a cold sensation rushed through my body when i saw him on his feet, leaning his long arm down to offer his hand as he towered over me.
βi donβt bite. i promise.β he smiled softly, grabbing at the air between us when i didnβt move a muscle at the sight of his outstretched palm. βthere yβgo.β a half grin lifted the pierced side of his mouth as i hesitantly reached up, offering my wrist to his grip. a little, alarmed cheep sounded from my throat when he pulled me to the soles of my shoes like i hardly weighed anything at all. βyouβre good. youβre good. i got you.β he chuckled, holding me by the plush below my shoulders when i instinctively clung to his arms, afraid i might trip on my own feet again.
dΓ©jΓ vu fell over me like a shiver as i tipped my neck back just enough to look up at him, somehow still no less bashful than i was the first time weβd found ourselves like thisβ our bodies hardly a single pace from becoming one, with hands gently shifting, visibly hesitant to let the other go. the soft tips of his thumbs slowly circled my tense biceps until they began to relax, while he gazed down at me with a hypnotized gloss coating his round blues.
βsweet blasphemy, my giving tree. it hasn't rained in years. i bring to you this sacrificial offering of virgin ears..β
as the pop-punk record heβd selected droned on, my thoughts wandered to the memory of the many times iβd picked on damien for his love of the same kind of music; the way iβd tell him how repetitive, overly formulaic, lyrically uninspired and vocally whiny i found the whole genre to be, and beg to listen to anything else. i knew thenβ somehow even more than beforeβ when those same songs suddenly sounded so seamless and melodic to my ears, that i was absolutely, helplessly, and irrevocably caught in his web. i was sure i couldβve listened to them on repeat all night long without a single complaint if it meant heβd stay as close to me as he was in that moment; holding me up like i was made of glass, watching me through heavy, starry eyes.
βwe should, uh,β his hushed, raspy sound threatened my once steady knees as he began to let me goβ slowly and reluctantly, like it almost pained him to do so. βprobably get down there.β
my arms slipped away from his and hugged my body tight, completely unraveling the knot weβd found ourselves in. he stifled the smirk creeping on his mouth, but not fast enough for me to miss it. subtly reaching up again, his fingertips brushed the slightly exposed skin on my collar, igniting my nerves as he delicately adjusted the silver cross hanging around my neck when the clasp had fallen down to the front.
βwouldnβt wanna, like, get you in trouble, or anything.β he commented, softly, but with his tongue in his cheek. even with my eyes wide and a mind half empty, i knew he could see the naivety written all over my blushing face; that he could surely feel how impossibly fast my heart was beating against the edge of his hand. it was written all over him in the almost belittling look he was giving me as he loosely held the pendant between his thumb and first fingerβ gazing down at me like i was the most unaware, little creature heβd ever laid his eyes on, and heβd love nothing more than to sink his teeth into my innocence. he wouldnβt just get me in trouble. he was trouble in-fucking-carnate.
if only i had a goddamn clue just how much of it i was in for.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL, MY FAVORITE FIC IS HOMEEEEEE
blah blah blah proper name place name side boob out back story stuff
where when what the fuck THE SHIRT OMFG

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why is posting on instagram so sickening
was not prepared for andy acknowledging how huge his hands are on tas today. like do u think he Knows
he has to
thereβs nothing i hate more then entitled ppl who think they come up with every idea ever
i have a great solution but i donβt think theyβre going to like it π
just read the most insane vampire andy x reader on ao3 and have come to the conclusion that i could definitely let my freak flag fly just a little bit more freely in my writing. itβs what The People want
DROP THE LINK???
wait i think i know EXACTLY what youβre talking about

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
just read the most insane vampire andy x reader on ao3 and have come to the conclusion that i could definitely let my freak flag fly just a little bit more freely in my writing. itβs what The People want
DROP THE LINK???