digital tigergirl

Have you ever seen a child's art on a wall? A big red dinosaur with a robot arm breathing fire No worries about anatomy or clean lines pure unrestrained joy for life and unfettered desire

One day it's no longer "normal" anymore So it gets painted over and all that's left is beige A blank wall, nothing, a void some decorate With shelves or posters that have something to say

This wall was adorned with a mirror Reflecting all who would stand before it Endlessly giving, constantly neglected, irreperably cracked Was there ever anyone who adored it?

KRRRSSSCHHHINK

. … ….. Red The color of fury Of a setting sun Of a dinosaur hidden away Of blood flowing and dripping Of this wall once more

Have you ever seen an adult's art on a wall? A sleek tiger drawn with a passion that cannot be quelled A refined piece created with experience And framed by shards that will one day fall aswell

A girl on a leash A girl on her knees A girl gagged by me Good girl

Let me taste from the neck of an obedient dog As you taste from the tips of my fingers Release your mind to my encompassing fog Losing yourself letting the pleasures linger I must leave my mark to signal you're mine So stain these sheets with evidence yours Let us experience a small death so divine Glistening in the afterglow from our pores

Have you ever seen a child's art on a wall? A big red dinosaur with a robot arm breathing fire No worries about anatomy or clean lines pure unrestrained joy for life and unfettered desire

One day it's no longer "normal" anymore So it gets painted over and all that's left is beige A blank wall, nothing, a void some decorate With shelves or posters that have something to say

This wall was adorned with a mirror Reflecting all who would stand before it Endlessly giving, constantly neglected, irreperably cracked Was there ever anyone who adored it?

KRRRSSSCHHHINK

. … ….. Red The color of fury Of a setting sun Of a dinosaur hidden away Of blood flowing and dripping Of this wall once more

Have you ever seen an adult's art on a wall? A sleek tiger drawn with a passion that cannot be quelled A refined piece created with experience And framed by shards that will one day fall aswell

A year has passed What all has changed? I'm supposed to get softer Yet I feel so much more hardened

Every few months I go on a journey Blood is drawn and I acquire new gear One month I had a set of tribulations My blockers weren't available

My breasts are here I hope I keep growing I'm more confident in myself My self worth is at an all time high

I've done some incredible things Decided to find my local peers Started and finished the legal process Traveled to meet a friend

Inside my heart there spins and spins a reel Upon the film rests my memories and how I feel Memories of you, memories of me, memories of us Of good times, of lonely times, of broken promises A sensitive machine diligently winding everyday With a stray word capable of putting it into disarray

Spiraling out once the reel is stopped in its tracks The film escaping my heart through its many cracks It wraps around my eyes, my ears, my tongue My stomach, my limbs, my nerves and my lungs Strangling every inch of me as it unspools It leaves me with thoughts ever so cruel

Years have passed

I return to familiar shores

The walls and pits I built a decade ago

long since washed away by the waves

I left these shores to see what else there was

Seeking new comforts and perspectives

Guided by strangers turned companions

turned distant memories

but now i've wandered back here on my own

And though these shores are familiar, i am not

And while i am at ease here where i came from

I melt the butter over low heat And add the onions and garlic Till I'm nice and soft

Next is the spices I temper them Enhancing my flavor

Add a grated apple and puree A subtle sweetness to savor And I've become a paste, so malleable

Add broth to give me volume And stew meat and potatoes till my heart is tender And it's ready to serve two

I love working on a model kit I see myself in the process of building them Opening the box and seeing its potential Looking through the booklet to see what steps are to come Unpacking the sheets of plastic molds and taking stock of what I have

I grab my sprue cutters and begin systematically cutting pieces out of the molds First every cut on the right side, then i turn it 90 degrees and cut again and then turn it again and cut, and turn and cut Having all the cut out pieces strewn about i organize them by step and by color I marvel and think of how it will all come together in the end

I cut off the nubs for each piece as much as possible And sand down whats left and remove the final bit with a hobby knife I can never perfectly remove the evidence of where the nubs once were And as I lack the confidence to paint or weather them The places where ive sanded too much or nicked the plastic with my knife by accident Are as close to personalizing a kit as I get

With the pieces all ready I begin assembling Following instructions while listening to music or watching a video Piece by piece it begins to take shape I admire the inner mechanisms letting it articulate And the details that are only evident when looking at it closely

With all the pieces put together i'm not done yet though I grab my tweezers and steady my hand There are still decals to apply Once done all that's left to do is pose it and share the fruits my of labor with others And im ready to move on to the next build

I have found myself floating in thoughts

their weight pressing down on my chest

I sink further

the next layer i've swam through a few times

its warmth a comfort its name forbidden

i sink further

i try to swim up like every time before

but this time to no avail

i sink further

insecurity, i've dipped my toe in this layer occasionally

but never have i been this subsumed by it before

i sink further

as light begins to vanish loneliness encroaches

i know you're there but i can no longer see you and you seem so far

i sink further

the hadal zone seems so close now as i pass through hopelessness

i can't let myself drown in these feelings, however

am i still to sink further into all this?