earth bound angel

i downloaded tumblr because it seemed intriguing, turns out it is

i will mostly use this account for emo posting (i love post hardcore and screamo) as well as posting myself and my photography. i may use this as some what of a journal for personal things or poetry and things of that nature. if i decide to do that, i feel i must add that i have bpd, which affects my daily life as well as my art and expression

Things are incredibly weird right now, i just got broken up with 2 months ago, and i have a new boyfriend now. I really really like him, but id be lying if i said there isn’t some part of me that feels bad, because I’m not sure why i moved on so quickly. and don’t get me wrong, i AM moved on. It’s not like I’m hung up about it. It wasn’t the best relationship and that’s okay, but also, i feel like i am supposed to have some sort of obligation to grieve. And I’m just not.

He drank a lot, he would be mean to my friends for no reason, as well as my family. That’s why we broke up, because he didn’t like my family. Not for any reason, i love my family, they’re amazing, but since he has issues, he refused to look at that. He refused to let them have any chance what so ever. It was upsetting. He wouldn’t talk to me, and he only would if he was drunk. He texted me the other day asking why we couldn’t be friends, and i know he was drunk. I just know. And that frustrate me so much, he couldn’t open up unless he was drunk, even after our relationship. We also didn’t do much together, which was slightly my fault because i was doing very badly with my chronic illnesses, but we just sat in his room most days and watched movies or had sex. There wasn’t much going on most days besides that. He was so nihilistic, he hated everything, he hated life, he hated people. He would say “there’s no such thing as good people, there’s just less bad” and i feel like that’s such a sad way to live. If you can’t see the good in anything, how will you ever be happy? I think he needs to take a step back and think why he can’t be happy most days, why he feels lost. It’s because you are.

With my new boyfriend, he takes me on dates, he talks to me, he opens up without me begging, and he lets me speak about my issues and then tells me his. its a change of pace for sure. Hearing someone say “Hey, let’s have a conversation about this so we can work towards a shared goal” is so different, and so refreshing. It’s amazing.

I met you when I was 12 years old. It was 2020 I believe, and I was still in 6th grade. I was so bored and sad I lost all of my friends from covid restrictions that I redownloaded drawcast. I remember following you on sammich, then I think you went inactive, and now I don’t remember if that exactly was your username on drawcast, but I remember that was the name u went by. i remember also before you went inactive, I said that word, that we would always joke about being our first interaction, “pewdiepie.” Then, after weeks, maybe even months of inactivity from you, you posted a picture. And the even funnier thing is, I remember exactly what the picture was. A blurry photo of you screaming at the camera, with the caption “follow me at @j30bxx5 idiots” so I did. Eventually you followed me back.

I remember when I was dating my friend Kaiyo and I was only dating them for around 2 or so weeks, and then you ended up breaking up with max. I remember how messy that was, and I remember how violent and angry you were. I remember when you threatened to cut Fem’s head off, and then we got messages for months afterwards talking about how horrible you were and how horrible I was for condoning your behavior. i also remember how right before I broke up with Kaiyo that Max texted me after I had posted a drawing of us holding hands, telling me to breakup with her before going for you and expressing my love for you because he didn’t want me to hurt her. So I did.

I didn’t get with you for a while afterwards, but I remember how hard we would flirt, and how openly we would. And I remember the moment I knew you liked me, it was when you drew the drawing of you hugging a pillow all flustered with hearts around you with the song ‘the world is ending lets make out” and I remember hoping that it was about me. And then I remember someone asking us “are you guys dating” and you said “I dont know are we?” And I said “do you want to?” And you said “sure” and that’s how it all started. I was really happy someone cared about me. I was happy I was wanted after being cast away for so so so long.

When I started to write this letter, I wanted to convey a story to you, show things how I remembered them from my perspective. Im not sure I want to do that anymore. But not necessarily because I don’t want to, it’s because I don’t remember. You used to tell me your fears that your trauma made you forget, that there was something down in your soul, something so evil and distressing that your brains blanketed it with forgetfulness. That’s what my brain has done to you. I get flashes of memories, stories my brain decides to grace me with, although they aren’t very comforting. But I don’t have a timeline. Something I laugh about it how I used to lie about your age, saying that you were a year younger than you truly were, which is very funny now because that lie still affects me now. I don’t remember what age you really were sometimes, I confuse myself! It’s funny how we can create false memories from such small things. I lied for maybe a year and that completely overrode my brain with what was really true.

i could never get a bat tattoo. your mark would be on me forever

i know if i knew u in person that you wouldve hit me and that makes me the saddest out of everything

3/3/25

ive lost my passions, i do everything out of necessity. i dont like anything, i dont like doing anything, its all automatic. its because im meant to.

i feel like nothing but a burden. i feel like everytime i speak i get stared at. i feel like i will never be enough for some people. i feel like i will never be seen.

i dont remember the last time someone asked what was wrong. the last time someone sat down with me at let me talk about what is wrong right now. the last time someone tried to help me figure out how i could help myself. or how they could help me.

sometimes i think about reaching out, begging for some sort of attention, but i always stop myself. i think about how they could be upset, something could have happened and i could make it worse.

on the rare time i reach out i get met with a “im sorry :(“ or a “i hope youre doing better” no one ever wants to know about why i react this way. why my brain works how it does. why i am who i am. why do you not want to help me? i really just want you to talk to me, to dig deeper. to know who i am.

but i cant nap. my brain is too rampant to allow me to do something like that. its too much to allow myself to take care of myself.

i have no motivation. when im home, all i want to do is be out with my friends, and when im out, all i want is to come home and lay down. nothing is ever enough for me, nothing will make me feel like im where im meant to be.

i do love my friends, but i cant be around them anymore. everyone is bland. everyone makes me feel bad.

i cant eat or drink either. i cant get out of bed to fill up my water bottle, and every piece of food i look at makes me nauseated.

i dont know why this is all happening. everything in my life is so overwhelming, yet underwhelming. its all too much and too little.