and the title

The fact that he was in her arms, that her chin was resting above his freshly picked hair, was comforting to her, it made her squeeze her thighs which were locked on either side of his right hip. Even though the thick quit she could feel the soft rise and fall of his chest. It was even breathing, as if he was nearly relaxed even with all of the chaos that the outside world held. Maybe it was because the world, as disturbed as it may have been, was streets away. Because their family was locked behind the farmhouse doors without a real worry about what went on outside of them. “you’re worried” his melodic voice filled her ears and she shut her eyes for a moment, taking in the silence instead of responding. “everyone’s home safe, you don’t have anything to worry about.” she could have listened to him talk for hours. It felt like so long since she’d heard it. a caramel hue popped open as she looked down at him, his own eyes stuck on her, “this is going to be nothing soon, we’re all going to get through this.” Had he not learned that despite his smile, his gentle tone, she could see through him? she knew that he worried more than he’d let on. that he knew that the moment he stepped outside of the house for anything all of the devastation and loss would hit him like a ton of bricks falling off of a meek bridge. He always tried so hard to be the tough one. Tried to pretend like his gifts didn’t crucify him where he stood. she countered his words, “I’m okay” she replied softly, index finger reaching out to trace his bottom lip as she felt his arms tighten around her, slipping under the blanket as his rough pads grazed her skin just enough to sooth her. it was then that she exhaled a deep breath, the cool feeling of waves on the beach engulfing her, lulling her chest to unlock, her shoulders to drop as the feeling of sunshine kissed her forehead and the soft breeze of a tropical paradise balanced her out. when his touch left her she could see a dark taint to those coffee eyes. “I told you, nothing to be afraid of. i’ve got you squeak.” for years now she’d been trying to decide if the comfort that his gifts brought were worth the strain that it put on him, even when he argued time and time again that if it was relaxing her, it was worth whatever it might have been doing to him. she didn’t believe it. but if there was one thing she’d learned not to do through the years, that was argue with elijah. those were battles she’d always resoundingly lose. with a light laugh and a chin lifted to kiss the tip of her nose, she felt a burst of sunshine behind her eyelids for a fraction of a moment, “so what do you think? will your brother and key finally stop playing their game of hide around the hedge?” a brow quirked at his words, “first of all, you sound like an old man …and second I don’t understand where you ever get that from. if she had a thing for boston I’m pretty sure she’d tell me.” that was one thing that key had never mentioned to her, they told one another everything. “whatever you want to believe miss vee.” not that she would have had a problem with it …if it were a thing. because nothing would have been better than her brother and best friend being happy. If anyone deserved that it was the two of them. “you need to get back down there and check on them. before they start to think you snuck out squeak.” he was right and she didn’t want to admit it. she didn’t want to have to open her eyes. “can’t I just stay with you? They’re fine down there for a little while longer.” the difficulty she was having lately was growing increasingly worse. avelyn knew it was because the pills were beginning to dwindle. once the pills were gone she wasn’t sure how she was going to get the high that would take her away from everything, that would replicate the feeling of him being right there with her. she’d be in trouble then. “go ahead squeak, open your eyes. It’s okay.” although a stronger part of her wanted to relent, to hide in the moment with him longer and pretend that the world didn’t exist, she found her eyes slowly blinking open to the paint splattered walls of her bedroom, the sun kissing her cheeks from the windows. shifting from her position on the floor to sitting up straight against her bed took effort, bones cracking from stiffness. running the base of her palm against her eyes she heard the clatter of the key she used to crush the pills into powder clatter to the floor beside her. how long had she been out? cheeks were crusted with dried tears, sweatshirt was still damp with emotions …it couldn’t have been that long. with a final stretch she counted the pills in the bottle, 12 left. she could last 12 more days without losing her crutch, without the burning need eating her alive …12 more days that she could escape to find him in that lucid conscious. prying away the floorboard beside the window she dropped the pill bottle, straw, and key that were wrapped up in one of elijah’s old tee shirts. with so many knocks and cracks in the floor that space had become her hiding spot, the area that she figured none of her housemates would ever think to look for anything. avey stood up from the spot on the floor, running her hand through short matted waves. it was time to get back to the new normal of life, time to harass key into watching a movie or boston into ordering them dinner… or if she was real lucky getting maty into a lucky charm war with the neglected marshmallows she’d put aside from the morning in case a new game was needed for entertainment. anything to try and force a smile out of what was left of her family.

“i almost wish you’d fall” she could bet that the woman with the silver hair who’d watched them walk out of the grocery store would have scowled had she heard the sentence that had just come out of the young black boy’s mouth. the wish that she’d stumble and fall from her tight rope walk along the ledge of the library’s high walk, down onto the broken and cracked sidewalk. instead, it was a remark that made the slightest quirk happen to the corner of avey’s mouth. of course, he wished that. “sorry to disappoint you, babe” the lightest sigh dropped between them as he hung his head, the silver chain around his neck catching the light as she stared at him. “you kill me miss vee.” pressing the pads of her fingertips against her lips she blew him a kiss. the best she could do. “one day you’re gonna let me do it, you know. one day.” he wished. maybe one day she wouldn’t know that the gentlemen that rang them out at the market would go home to find out that his wife’s lung cancer had returned. or that the woman they’d passed on the bus had just come from a doctor’s appointment confirming that the child she and her husband had spent both of their retirement funds on was no more. maybe one day she wouldn’t know things that would cause him to feel the pain of the universe. “think here’s good?” the streetlights gave the darkened street a little bit of light as she stopped her steps and pointed in the direction of the old parking lot. the church was pretty much abandoned. it had been for as long as avelyn could remember walking past it. “i don’t think anyone even remembers it exists squeak. good’a place as any.” hopping off of the ledge and landing perfectly on her feet she watched as he shook his head again, brief disappointment. “gimmie the goods” she motioned as he once again shook his head at her antics and yet held the plastic bag out for her anyway. “get on the ground mr. anders” a cheeky smile came out with her command and he shook his head at her one final time before flipping his hood up and laying down on the hard cement. “you’re so weird squeak.” he should have known by now that that was a compliment. throwing a glance at him over her shoulder she watched him settle himself, the way his eyes closed so peacefully, how everything just faded into nothing. she’d gotten so caught up in watching the simplicity of his actions she’d almost forgotten what she was doing. lifting the plastic box to her mouth, she bit at the seal, pulling the wrapper off till the cover came loose as well, a puff of powder from the factory floating up into her face for a moment as she drank in the fresh colors. this was always more fun for her than anyone else could understand. the way that it felt to break in a new container of chalk, how it felt to mix the colors, to break what was once perfect. the way the colors bled together on the sidewalk. she pulled the light blue chalk first, rolling the stick between both hands as she turned back to find him watching her, enamored. she hated it sometimes. the way that she could see just how badly he wished that he could reach out to her, to sweep the blonde waves from her eyes, or rest his palm against her cheek. she felt all of that, nowhere near on the level he would have felt her pain if he actually took the chance to do it. that just wasn’t a price that she was willing for either one of them to actually pay. the chalk dragged against the pavement, the crisp scraping sound filling her ears as she carefully outlined him, her hand lingering as close to his outline as she could get without skin making any contact with his body, a mere pause where the hoody road up to reveal the dark skin underneath it. silence took over the small area as she concentrated on her movements until she reached his head again, as she connected the lines their eyes met, chocolate into mocha. the only thing she wanted was to learn in, to press her lips against his. instead, white teeth bit down harder on a plump bottom lip, “alright lijah, your turn.” his inhale of breath told her that once again he felt the exact same way she did, had the same wants as her. they stood their ground from one another, lingering for a bit longer as they switched places. “i’m using yellow” he broke their silence, a distraction, as she laid down on the ground, making herself comfortable within his traced lines, fingers walking carefully against the pebbled ground as eyes shut and for the moment she gave herself the illusion that the traced mark was his hand, that she could actually lace her fingers through elijah’s. “You always use yellow.” “that’s because you’re sunshine to me.” heart tugged in her chest for a moment with the ache to reach out to him. he started at the top of her head and she closed her eyes, avoiding his gaze. it wasn’t until she felt it, for a fraction of a second the warmth that spread through her as he bumped her jaw with his finger, the elimination of all pain that made her exhale worries. she lowered a glare at him for the move only to be met with his perfect smile. her glare all too quickly failed and turned to horror as a cloudy image hazed over her gaze. the scene played out in her minds eye and she knew that there was nothing she could do to stop it before it happened. instead, she could only brace as a car door a little ways away gave off the start of what she’d just seen, “lijah…” she rasped out only to be cut off, “freeze” the officer demanded and she felt every drop of blood in her veins go cold. she hated this, she hated the conclusions that they all jumped to just because he wasn’t society pegged as the perfect male. “officer, we were just playing with chalk.” she countered, even knowing it was no use, that there was nothing she could do that would stop the events that were going to play out. “son, i’m gonna need you to step away from the girl.” elijah smiled at her, a move she knew he was trying to reassure her with, yet she could feel no reassurance in it. instead, when he stood up from her all she could feel was the bitter cold of the early spring evening. “over here.” the air felt heavy around the whole scene the officer’s gun pointed at lijah. elijah listened to everything the officer requested, taking steps away from her, closer to the armed cop. “got some identification on you?” her heart was in her throat as lijah nodded and started to reach into his pocket for his id. a troubling yank then was all it took, the officer’s hand brushing against elijah anders skin. she watched then as elijah’s expression changed all at once. worse than that of a gunshot going through him, the pain from the officer ripped through him, taking all of the joy and playfulness from his eyes and reminding her of why she couldn’t let him touch her for more than a fraction of a second. It was as if all of the stars in the sky had gone out at once and shrowded them in complete darkness. ...and yet the officer smiled. his pain and anger gone and transferred without his knowledge to the male in front of him. “mr. anders, i’m sorry, this has been a difficult night for me. you two get home safe tonight, ya hear? best not worry that young lady’s mama” as quickly as the chaos had begun, the officer turned on his way and headed back to the car while elijah stood motionless, reeling from the events that he’d absorbed through the contact.